Jun 142011
 

Dead Rats Old
I thought I would share a couple of photographs which I took when I was in Paris the other day.

Etablissements Julien Aurouze, Paris is an odd little shop as you can see from the display in the window they sell Rat traps and all sorts of other things that snap and dispatch the furry kind such as gulp yours truly.

As you can see from their window display of far too many dead Rats the stuff they sell does seem to work all too well.

Mind you for those of you who are like me and have a delicate constitution to match their stomach I can tell you happily that the rats in the window are preserved Rats and have been on display since 1925.

It’s a bit worrying that they look so fresh until you realise that Madam Tussaud was born in the neighbourhood and look what she has done to major and minor celebrities.

Some say that the shop was featured in the Disney movie Ratatoullie maybe one of my clever readers could say whether that is true or not because of course I don’t watch movies about Rats or Dogs for that matter so I don’t know if that is the truth.

Dead Rats Colour

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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May 242011
 

My dear lovely cuddly readers I am afraid that I have to insist that you watch the ‘Ultimate Dog Tease video which I have just put up on my www – wickedly wonderful website.

To make it really very easy for you I have added a link that will whisk you to the correct page here Ultimate Dog Tease.

This video is not only one of the funniest videos I have seen it makes even the hardest hearted Cat feel sorry for at least one dog in the world.

Dog Tease

Who’d have thought that one day I would say “poor Doggie?”


About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

The Cat & Kindle

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Apr 152011
 

Signs sometimes don’t mean what they say but they can be a lot of fun all the same!

Be brave Butt It Will Hurt



About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Mar 182011
 

Cat: “You’re not only a very good looking Parrot, I am sure that you’re very clever as well.”

Parrot: “Thanks, I think I am clever and not only a pretty boy!”

Cat: That’s what I thought and now this is your opportunity to prove that to the world.”

Parrot: That would be nice! Thanks!”

Cat: “My pleasure, ok, so all you have to do is to get just a little closer to the window and then show me just how clever you are by reaching up to the window catch and undoing it with your beak.”

Parrot: “Sounds like a plan!”

Cat and Parrot


About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Dec 262010
 

Christmas Wreath.png

As the title says I was going to have a day off today – but the Czech rubbish men’s rubbish collection on Christmas Day both impressed me and shamed me into stirring into a some sort of action today – yes it took me a whole day to even consider working on what should be my day off – am I lazy or just a feline committed to the ‘old ways,’ I prefer to think that the latter is the case if it is all the same to you!

But you have to be impressed with the dedication of those orange boiler suit clad warriors fighting against full rubbish bins making their third collection of rubbish in a week, they are amazing – where else would that sort of dedication occur? Not in any of the ‘civilised’ countries I know of like err England, France or even the good old US of A.

So unfortunately I couldn’t sit here – well lie here – next to a radiator waiting for a warm human lap to appear and then lazily plonk myself on it and beg for Prawns could I?

By the way there were Prawns aplenty yesterday you could say that the place was “awash” with Prawns. I have to announce proudly that I had more than my fair share and managed to keep them down, although I did have dreams about the sea last night! I wonder if there’s any connection?

Anyway that is enough deviating from the point that I know I haven’t made yet. The point I want to point out is this latest outrage from those spoilt spongers who call themselves the “Royal Family of Great Britain and Ireland” or whatever today’s title is.

Just look at the person who calls herself “queen” in this snap taken in Norfolk land of the yokel and windmill! The dreadful old wrinkly is wearing a Cat as a hat – that is awful – some poor animal suffered there it would seem and worse the equally dreadful camellia ‘queen of pies’ seems to have got wind of the fact that the oldest royal wrinkly was going to wear large parts of an animal on her head and has joined in the ‘fun’ wearing what looks like ‘Bambi’ above her very prominent facial lines on her face that could only be described as a face that a plastic surgeon dreams of renovating.

Cat in a Hat.jpg

There is worse to come as well – not that the snaps of these women of a certain age are not awful enough on their own – take a look at the older woman’s handbag in the picture below. The logo in particular – does CC stand for ‘culled Cat’ are the royals – known for their mass murder of all animals in the name of hunting now turning to persecuting only Cats? Has my campaign against these over privileged spoilt brats who have no idea about the real world got them rattled? It looks like it doesn’t it!

CC logo - Culled Cat.jpg

A WORD FROM DAVE THE CAT

“It’s going to be more than one word I can tell you.” Pause for long explanation. “Oh sorry I didn’t know that the title of my bit was just an English phrase – my English isn’t as good as yours and I still don’t know why I can’t write this in ‘Cat?’

“Anyway all I wanted to say was that that pair of wizened old ladies should be told that hats are for Cats and should not be made of them – that sounds like a really bad idea and what may I ask happens to the poor Cat whose fur you decided to use as a hat?”

“Furthermore!”

(Cat’s note; sorry about this but when Dave the Cat starts to talk he is difficult to shut up).

“I would imagine that Cat’s make really poor hats because they do tend to wriggle in their sleep and could easily slip off some old queen’s head, fall to the floor and if they were fast asleep get left behind, and I know that some Cats like me for instance are very sound sleepers and if, goodness forbid, some old queen wanted to use me as headgear I would probably slip off and get left behind.”

“Personally I think that the oldies in this picture are really unkind and callous…” “What do you mean I have to stop there – I have loads more to say…”

Dave the Cat.png

Editors note

Sorry Dave the Cat would have rambled on for hours if I hadn’t accidentally unplugged his laptop, it’s actually the first time he has ever used it, well apart from turning it on and either sleeping on top of it as it heats up to a level of spontaneous combustion or lying down wind of the hot air being extracted from inside with his nose pressed up against the fan grill and a really weird and not very nice look of satisfaction on his face that may contain at its root a smile of contentment.

Dear cuddly readers Dave the Cat wanted you all to know that the hat colour is “protest red” and I thought that I should pass that on because I was convinced it was a sort of ‘santa’s little helper red’ as it is Christmas, but he got very angry when I told him, I think he is worried about becoming a hat against his will – like the rest of us decent law abiding Cats.

Xmas Holly.png

Dec 242010
 

Xmas Holly.png

Although I am a superstar and probably now ‘bigger’ than John Lennon – a reference which I hope my older will appreciate and of course before they throw rotten tomatoes at me is a joke – I never forget the people who have helped me become ‘immense.’

Not only would I like to thank Ginger, Bert the Black and White Cat and of course Dave the Cat I would like to thank all of my loyal and adoring fans who I hope like me because I am a great writer and make them laugh and not only because I can act like a very warm furry stole on their knees which is handy now that the dead fur stole variety is out of fashion. Which of course makes me wonder whatever happened to all of the queen of England’s furs? She had an amazing collection and presumably inherited her Mum’s even bigger collection.

So after getting side tracked a little I would like to say “thank you to all my fans and the three aforementioned moggies, this year has been a wonderful ‘whirlwind’ and next year with all of your help I am expecting a ‘tornado’ of a year especially with the new book.

I sincerely hope that your Christmas is as good as the one I will have and that the new year brings everything that we hope it will.

Xmas Holly.png

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL

Xmas Holly.png


About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

The Cat & Kindle.png

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Dec 222010
 

Christmas Wreath.png

So as in most households over the world the presents are wrapped, the tree is dressed and is twinkling and makes strange robotic Christmas Carol sounds, the vegetables stored, most of the chores are done and the Turkey is looking decidedly worried and keeps checking the calendar.

We, it would appear are ready for Christmas and that means that we have a few guests here at Cat World HQ and a place will be set at our table of a few good friends and of course some of the relatives that either no one else will entertain and indeed they must have came up with much better excuses for not inviting to their Christmas lunches.

It is at moments like this when you are surrounded by family and friends that Cats like me want to escape, but unfortunately that’s not always possible and so one has to get on with it – Cats can’t grin and bear it because ‘grinning’ is very much like smiling and that of course as I have explained a few times on my wonderful blog and in my peerless masterpiece of feline literature, ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cats Diary,’ is because ‘smiling’ and don’t forget ‘grinning’ makes Cats look sinister.

So before I lose the plot and the point of this blog I would like to just take a moment to thank everyone who has bought, read and liked my book and been kind enough to leave such nice comments about it and of course done the same with my blog.

I would also like to thank all of my fans for so much because I know the best way to show appreciation these days is with loyalty and last but by no means least I want to mention my ‘special’ but never retarded friends, Ginger, Dave the Cat and Bert the Black and White Cat who individually and as a rather shabby group make me smile when I report to a wider world the things that they do. Each one has a special place here at Cat World HQ the trouble is that they won’t stay in it.

It is possible that I could go on forever thanking people and patting them on the back, massage a few egos and generally sound all smarmy but I think I will save that for my Oscar speech because I have just thought of something that happened years ago, it made me laugh and I hope that it raises a smile with you.

Back in the days when television wasn’t quite tuned in properly and the pictures always seemed to be in black and white I was minding my own business dozing lightly on the arm of a sofa thinking to myself that someone aught to tune the TV in properly so that the picture was in colour when a Dog race started and I forgot all about the complaint I was going to make.

I was transfixed, here before my eyes was the perfect use for Dogs but as with all things Doggie after a few minutes of barking and racing around a track trying to catch what was obviously an ‘electric bunny’ and never going to be caught I started to lose interest.

Greyhound.png

It might have been minutes or hours later, I am not sure, but when I woke up the races were over and a winner had won something called ‘The Grandstand Greyhound Cup’ which was odd because even in black and white I could see that not all of the hounds were grey. Oddly enough appears to be a sort of race of superfast racing Dogs and not a description of the colour of their fur

As with all sporting events it wasn’t the winner who was being interviewed it was the trainer, but then an interview on live TV with a Dog might not be as funny as what happened next.

The trainer of the winning ‘Greyhound’ was doing what trainers of athletes, no matter whether they are human, equine or canine, do – he was taking all of the credit. But this trainer had several handicaps, he was overcome with emotion, he was on live TV and he was Irish.

When asked the question “I suppose you have a lot of people who you would like to thank!” – which of course wasn’t a question, the trainer’s mind either went blank but he was being ‘interviewed on TV’ and we all know that if someone points a TV camera at you, holds out a microphone and asks a question they they must be important and deserve an answer if you don’t believe me just ask a TV reporter or interviewer they will tell you they are.

So with the glare of the TV lights on him and the Greyhound loving world holding their breath to hear what the trainer had to say, he said.

“Yes that’s right I have a lot of people to thank!” The interviewer wanted more though and waited patiently for the trainer to continue – he didn’t and a few glorious embarrassing seconds of live TV ticked by.

The interviewer cracked first as the crowd around him surged and swelled. “There must be one person who you would like to thank above all!”

“Yes that right there is!” Replied the trainer.

“One person who you owe it all to.” It was clear that the TV interviewer knew more about this mystery person than the trainer.

The trainer closed his eyes for a moment in what might have been confused as thought to the causal viewer but was really due to another surge from the crowd of people surrounding the cameras wishing to be filmed on live TV.

Suddenly the trainer remembered that he indeed ‘had’ to thank someone special, someone in particular for his success which is just what he did next.

“I would like to thank someone very special.” It was obvious that he had started the sentence well. “That someone has ensured that we were successful tonight.” He paused. “That special person is why we are here now.”

The crowd were excited they wanted to hear who this very special person was, millions of TV viewers held their breath and the interviewer pushed his microphone closer the the Irishman’s lips.

“I would like to thank that special person for everything he has done. I can’t remember his name at the moment but I owe everything to him.”

Can you imagine Johnny Depp or Kate Winslet at the Oscars or Ange Jolie or little Brad Pitt at some fashion award ceremony giving a speech like that? Of course not, but then those simple uncomplicated days of black and white TV are gone forever and that is a little bit of a shame because memories are like the stars that make them these days ‘instant.’

Happy Christmas to everyone I hope to keep you all smiling and laughing for a long time to come.

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet such as.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

The Cat & Kindle.png

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Dec 212010
 

Most of the photographs of signs that ‘friends’ send me or I have ‘snapped’ on my travels are from countries where English is probably not even a second language and where speakers of our (well my adopted) tongue twisting language try their very hardest to create a sign that is understood by the rest of the planet and of course fail.

But even if those brave souls who spend such a long time scratching their heads trying as hard as the can to communicate in English fail surely there is no excuse for people who have spent their life speaking, and one hopes writing, English is there? And with that question I bring you a photograph of a sign from a small village in England; mmh 1 out of ten and that mark was only awarded because the writer had remembered to bring paper!

Hot Bottoms.jpg

Of course the next picture is one, for me at least, to treasure! As an author I have always been interested in any place, house or indeed flat where there is a sign that says that the author of ‘Great Expectations’ and so many other wonderful books lived. And as someone who is that interested in old Charlie I am never disappointed because he was always one step ahead of the debtors and moved around an awful lot.

Still I had, until now of course, never seen his birthplace, no wonder Charlie wrote so eloquently about poverty, he was born at a bus stop! Knowing that explains a lot!

Charles Dickens was born here.jpg

Today’s last and in my opinion oddest sign comes from the good people of Egypt where one feels that they don’t really know about Prawns and that in this Cat’s book is a crime and even putting aside what can only be described as the ‘peculiar’ sandwich on the right the one on the left look awful, those Prawns have never been shown a grill have they?

I Don't Know what .jpg

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet such as www.pawsperouspets.com.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Dec 192010
 

It sounds as though my fans in the UK (especially) but all across europe are having a torrid time trying to do just a little bit of Christmas shopping.

The UK seems to have suffered worst of all and there is panic breaking out to do last minute shopping for Christmas according to all of the major newspapers and that is where this clever Cat can come to the rescue – by delivering all of your gift requirements before Christmas with my very cunning plan.

My cunning plan, like all good plans since the Norman invasion of England in 1066 is simple – then it was bash everyone on the head and take over – but this plan is less Gallic and violent and so simple it will work like a dream and the result will be that everyone gets a gift at Christmas even though people can’t get to the shops.

The first part of my very cunning plan is to go to my either my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com or Amazon.com and download an ebook of my masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary,’ my site has them in lots of options including a pdf version which can be read on any computer no only ebook readers and of course Amazon.com have the peerless Kindle.

The Cat & Kindle.png

The second part of my plan is possibly even better and more cunning than the first part and you have to admit just the first part of the plan was a winner!

Everyone knows that although electronic or ebooks are wonderful, easy to read, weight nothing, immediate and best of all you can get thousands of them on your reader, there is nothing like being able to give someone a present that is wrapped up and to watch them unwrap present on Christmas morning their eyes growing wide and their complete joy as they realise that you have given them a copy of my amazing book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary.’

So while you are following the first part of this very cunning plan and ordering the moderately priced ebook, which of course can be delivered immediately, simply order a copy of my amazing book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ at the same time from either my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com or Amazon.com for the same person, that way even if you can’t get to the shops, or copies of my book can’t be delivered because of the snow or any other disasters natural or unnatural, you will be able to wrap my book when you get it and happily give it to someone safe in the knowledge that they are already reading your first present a copy of my brilliant ebook.

Just for you from now until Christmas morning I have a team of people working 24/7 ready here at Cat World HQ to take your order and then send you the ebooks you need and the great thing about my shop here my online store is open 24/7 and if you don’t like clicking links just copy and paste this address into you browser to be whisked to my store – http://www.thecatsdiary.com/store.

Here at my brilliant store, which as I said is open 24/7 until Christmas morning, we not only offer a guaranteed service backed up personally by me – The Cat but we also take all major credit cards and you can if you wish pay using the excellent and safe Paypal payment system. And of course we can send the ebooks immediately to any email address anywhere meaning your gift will be guaranteed to be delivered before Christmas.

Oh and my translator Mr. John Woodcock also asked – well begged – me to tell you about a pair of his ebooks which I graciously sell online at my store ‘Trams of Prague – Tram No 6’

trams-cover.jpg

‘Astromouse’

astromouse.jpg

If you want to have a look at either of these excellent books or read a synopsis then simply click here my online store is open 24/7 or as I said above if you don’t like clicking links just copy and paste this address into you browser to be whisked to my store – http://www.thecatsdiary.com/store I am sure that anyone would love any all or all of the ebooks that you can find at my amazing store.

So once again this clever Cat comes to the rescue and makes the difference between not having something to give someone at Christmas and being able to give on ‘the day’ and then remember ‘the day’ afterwards when you watch someone open their second present.

I wish you all a warm and very Happy Christmas!

PS

I watched George Clooney in ‘The American’ last night and here’s a tip if you haven’t seen it – don’t bother it’s dreadful! The best thing about the movie is George’s hair cut though unfortunately his side burns are like the movie is far too long! Even the Italian scenery is dull, grey and dreary – and that is an amazing cinematographic accomplishment because Italian countryside is normally lovely.

The Cat’s tip for the holiday season until my movie comes out is ‘Despicable Me’ it’s fun, funny and everyone can watch it and find something to enjoy!

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet such as www.pawsperouspets.com.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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