Jun 062014
 

The latest crazy to sweep New York is the Buttock Sandwich, sounds filling!

A new way to serve Buttock New York

I was going to say that this sounds like a cheeky sandwich, but then I thought that might sound a bit predicable and I wouldn’t like my dear cuddly readers to think I was a silly arse would I?


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

I would like to tell you all about something new and rather nice that you can get from the Apple iBooks store, no not ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book you have been able to get that for ages, no something else rather wonderful. You can get John Woodcock’s brilliantly illustrated book the first in the series called ‘The Trams of Prague’

This heavily illustrated books created especially for iPads, Pods and Phones called Tram No 6 is the Naughtiest of Trams and it looks amazing.

If you would like to get this exceptional book the easy way, just click on this link:
Trams of Prague – Tram No6 is the Naughtiest of Trams


Don’t forget dear cuddly readers one and all that my translator’s heavily illustrated book has just been made available at the iBookstore or iTunes – what was it with Steve Jobs and all of the ‘i’s’?

To get whizzed straight to the store whatever it’s called just click on the picture of the cover of that wonderful book below.

Trams of Prague ePub Cover 2 1 13 225x225 75

Mar 062014
 

In the movie ‘Soylent Green’ mass industrialisation leaves the world permanently overcrowded, polluted, stagnant and it only can get worse. The movie is set in a time when there’s 40 million people in New York City, housing for all is dilapidated and overcrowded; homeless people fill the streets; 20 million are unemployed with the few “lucky” ones with jobs scraping by, and food and working technology is scarce. Sounds like India today doesn’t it? Anyway…

Most of the world’s population has to survive on rations produced by the Soylent Corporation, whose newest product is Soylent Green, a green wafer advertised to contain “high-energy plankton”, which is more nutritious and palatable than any of its predecessors “Red” and “Yellow”, is the food of choice, but there’s one problem it’s in short supply, and there’s a reason for that, like the French Cola below, it’s made from … gulp! Humans.

Worrying Cola France

Oops I hope that I haven’t just written a spoiler, either for the Cola or the movie, but I shouldn’t worry, who in their right mind would buy French Coke or see a seventies film with Chuck Heston in it? No one right?


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

I would like to tell you all about something new and rather nice that you can get from the Apple iBooks store, no not ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book you have been able to get that for ages, no something else rather wonderful. You can get John Woodcock’s brilliantly illustrated book the first in the series called ‘The Trams of Prague’

This heavily illustrated books created especially for iPads, Pods and Phones called Tram No 6 is the Naughtiest of Trams and it looks amazing.

If you would like to get this exceptional book the easy way, just click on this link:
Trams of Prague – Tram No6 is the Naughtiest of Trams


Don’t forget dear cuddly readers one and all that my translator’s heavily illustrated book has just been made available at the iBookstore or iTunes – what was it with Steve Jobs and all of the ‘i’s’?

To get whizzed straight to the store whatever it’s called just click on the picture of the cover of that wonderful book below.

Trams of Prague ePub Cover 2 1 13 225x225 75

May 312012
 

Authorities in Orange County, California have developed a plan to trap Feral Cats at two Santa Ana elementary schools, traps will be set at Frances E. Willard Intermediate School and El Sol Science and Arts Academy in the belief that trapping Feral cats might – wait for it stop the spread of Typhus.

Cat Running

It might sound odd to most reasonable people, but the authorities have stated that they believe that Feral Cats might be carrying fleas infected with Typhus and that those fleas might spread the disease to humans. I hope you caught the word ‘MIGHT’ there, it appeared quite often didn’t it!

Sadly after being caught the Feral Cats won’t be tested for Typhus or indeed any of the fleas that they may have oh no they will simply be will be sedated and then euthanised.

The reason why all of the Feral Cats in the area will be killed is simple last month, one person living in the area contracted Typhus and that person might have been in contact with a Feral Cat who might have had fleas, and the fleas might have be carrying a Typhus virus – so many ‘mights’ again. And yes you read that right just one person contracted Typhus, there isn’t a plague!

Apparently the person who contracted Typhus was hospitalised but has since made a complete recovery. Which all seems a pretty thin reason to exterminate all of the wildlife in the area don’t you think dear cuddly readers?

Cat in a Cage

The same happened at JFK Airport a few years ago although the Feral Cats there weren’t accused of an possible public health violations they were just living at the airport, minding their own business but The Port Authority of New York who manages the 5,000 acre facility decided that hundreds if not thousands of Feral Cats that lived on their property were best dealt with by exterminating them.

The reason this time because no one had been clever enough to think up the public health wheeze was air and passenger safety. The Port Authority claimed that “the wild Cats were a danger to aircraft and passengers,” if you can believe that and so they trapped them, and then killed them.

Most owners of large plots of land discover Feral Cats living on the bits that they don’t use, to be perfectly true it’s probably untrue that the wild Cats would pose much of a threat to humans or their machinery as humans seem to pose to them and that is because Feral Cats tend to stay away from humans and have no idea how to fly aeroplanes or operate other machinery airport related or not!

These land owners will of course throw up their hands in despair and say that Feral Cats are un-adoptable, this is not true. What is true is that it would cost a lot more to tame, feed and then find homes for the Feral Cats and would cost too much, so killing them is the best way because it is cheap.

Cat behind planks

Well I have news for all land owners (and I am not the only one) Feral Cats can be ‘tamed’ and can make great house Cats. Cats aren’t stupid they respond to love, care, attention and most of all food. It’s true that humans can’t get a Cat to do what they want them do, when they want them to do whatever it is. That not because Cats are wild it is because they aren’t stupid!

Below is a photograph of a very good friend of mine who was a Feral Cat for most of his life who was ‘lucky’ enough to get knocked down in London and while most humans just stared at his body lying in the road my translator stopped to actually help the stricken animal, he ignored the call from one old scrote to “kill the stray and put it out of its misery”. Instead he carefully picked the crumpled Cat up and took him to a Vet.

Six months later after fixing, breaking and re-fixing a broken leg ‘Bumper’ came to live with John Woodcock in the English countryside where he used to sit in the sun, sniff plants, lie out stretched on John’s desk while John was working and generally and make the most of his retirement.

Bumper was the gentlest, calmest, nicest Cat anyone could share a house with and never once fought with any of the other Cats who he lived with let alone attacked any humans who came to visit and never once gave anyone or anything an infectious disease.

The only naughty thing he ever did (and he never got tired of his little joke) was when lying full out on John’s desk he would occasionally without getting up knock a pen or rubber of the desk and look up at John just to make sure he was not being ignored and when you said ‘Oh Bumper look at what you have done” He would grin and go back to sleep safe and sound which is exactly what he deserved.

Poor Bumper died of cancer, probably from all of the pollution in London, one of the most polluted cities in the world, caused of course by humans!

Bumper


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Oct 312011
 

With the unexpected snow, that obviously doesn’t have its alarm clock set for ‘Winter,’ falling all over New York I though it was about time to look at silly road signs yet again and I promise you on my travels researching my latest book buster of a book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ I saw loads.

Oops I nearly forgot you can get a copy of my latest unputdownable book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ here The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or if you are more than a little wired the ebook here The Cat’s Travelogue ebook.

It seems that people who erect ‘drive safely’ signs are causing havoc with innocent motorists and here is the very latest example.

I bet the poor driver was too busy reading the sign in heavy snow to watch the road and a dangerous piece of ice that started this accident. I do wish that people who are responsible for safety signs would be more responsible don’t you?

Still I suppose the old saying is true, “where you get motorists you get accidents!”A saying that is also true if you replace the word ‘motorist’ with human in this Cat’s experience!

Drive Safely

I am so sorry I can’t resist the urge to show you the cover of my latest book!

Travelogue by John Woodcock

There it’s better to get these sorts of urges over and done with isn’t it?

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Sep 272011
 

Although Russia and in particular Moscow is a tamer, more civilized place when compared to twenty years ago it’s a wild and dangerous place compared to America or England which have their moments of course.

But in either America or England you won’t find any personal physical threats in advertising, especially food advertising. The dreadful ‘love story’ coffee commercials on both side of the Atlantic come to mind here.

No one in New York or London is going to grab you by the collar and tell you to explore the taste of America or England – that as you can see from the shop window advert below is not the case in Moscow.

Explore The Taste Of Russia  Or Else She ll Get You

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Sep 192011
 

It’s really a very exciting day today. I am with my designers in New York going over the final selection of cover designs for my soon to be published second book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue.’

You know I was pleasantly surprised, the cover designs are all really nice, except one that is which uses the most unflattering photograph of me, I do hope that we don’t use that design!

Unfortunately I have discovered that I have a little problem and that problem is that book publishing is (according to my publisher) a collaborative endeavour so we will be using the cover that is chosen by the majority. Mmh what do you think about that dear cuddly reader, you know what they say about things chosen by committees don’t you!

I have to say it came as something of a shock to discover that publishing my book was a “collaborative endeavour” because I would like to know where the designers, my agent Mr. Todd A Leibowitz call me “Todd” and my publisher were when I was knee deep in some of the less attractive countries around the world and just how close they were from swooping in and rescuing me when a mob of Pakistani religious fools were after my ‘Bacon’ just because they thought I was Danish? Not close at all is the answer.

Still I’ll forgive them their stupidity if we “sell as many of these ponies as we did the last Buckaroo!” To quote my Agent Mr. Todd A Leibowitz call me “Todd.” We apparently will be in “millionsville” once again. What can I say? I am so pleased and of course confused.

I am afraid when I listen to my agent Mr. Todd A Leibowitz call me “Todd,” publisher and the designers all talking excitedly at once I feel a little handicapped, not by the fact that they are speaking American, a language which is very close to English the language I first learned when I started to write my first ‘unputdownable’ book, the trouble is that when I hear them all talking at once, firing buzz words into the conversation as if they were machine gun bullets at a we hate Saddam/Americans rally in Iraq I just can’t keep up, and worse every so often they clap a hi five above my head and shout “YAY” when they agree on something all of which is beyond me.

I just hope that the last hi five and round of “YAYS” wasn’t something to do with the committee choosing the design for the book! I feel I should ask but they are just too busy congratulating themselves currently. Maybe there will be time later, although after lunch I am being whisked out to the airport and sent home, yes my agent Mr. Todd A Leibowitz call me “Todd” is paying for my stay which is probably why it’s so short.

Anyway as soon as I can I will post the ‘winning’ design on my blog and hope that all my fans let me know what they think of it. I think it’s really a good idea to let my lovely fans see the cover of my new book in advance of publication because then they will know what to grab off the book store’s shelves.

Of course ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ will not only be available in your local bookstore it will also be available on Amazon.com as an ebook or a proper book and all of the other places you can possibly think of to get ebooks and the old style paper books.

The timing of publication is designed cleverly to catch the Christmas rush if the banks don’t bankrupt us all first! So please make sure that you buy at least two copies and one for your good self dear cuddly reader because they make excellent presents for everyone!

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May 172011
 

What are the French really like? Well if the recent events in New York and alleged activities of IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn prove to be true then they are a lot of French people who are not very nice at all and of course a lot of them are politicians and heads of industry and banks.

And it would seem that the French themselves know what they are like and like to advertise what they are to anyone and everyone.

Isn’t it funny how every picture tells a story and some tell so much more…

There are a lot of bastards in france

So as you would expect some bastards are estate agents and of course others are politicians!

Let’s hope that IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn, if he is guilty, is locked up for a long time and things aren’t covered up so that he can go back to France and become President, which is what would have happened if he had ‘performed’ this awful act in France where if you are a politician it would seem you can get away with such a lot just ask Dominique de Villepin, Jacques Chirac, Alain Juppe, oh and of course the forty-seven politicians and other officials who were put on trial in 2005 over a vast kickback scheme.

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