Nov 292012
 

There is something rather sad about this poor little ‘A’ board standing alone and proud outside of a shop in Royston, Hertfordshire and it isn’t that it lives in Royston, Hertfordshire, I think, though it could be that of course!

Announcing your own end

No I the sad thing about this ‘A’ board is the fact that it appears to be announcing its own demise, which must be a terrible thing to have to do.

I wonder what the poor have little ‘A’ board will do next? Probably become a Pixar movie, they all seem to be getting a little alike these days if you ask me and the ‘A’ board looks a bit like ‘Wall-E’, but then I have to declare an interest in the quality of 3D animated movies, I want to make my own and need shed loads of cash, but nowhere near as much as Pixar, Disney and the other studios seem to spend I have to say.

It crossed my mind the other day that there is something wrong with the size of 3D animated and indeed 2D animated movies especially when I heard that mine would cost a mere $30 million.

Now I am not saying that $30 million is peanuts, that would be stupid and only worth of a Dog, no it is a fortune, but in comparison to what Disney, Pixar and Dreamworks claim to spend on their movies it’s one third yes you read that right, which all goes to show that my movie is going to be incredible value for money and better still I can make two more for the price of ‘Brave,’ ‘Shrek,’ ‘Tangled’ or any of those other ‘winners.’

Who knows if the trend I am setting catches on you might get cheaper Movie Theatre seats and less expensive Popcorn – who said I am only dreaming?

Actually I don’t think I am dreaming, surely anyone making a movie should get paid for its success and not as the case seems to be these days for ‘making’ the damn thing, this sort of thing leads to too many real turkeys getting through the wire doesn’t it? Which means that worst of all, you the movie going public, pay the best part of a couple of days wages to take your kids and some of their friends to the movies and fill them up on all of the over priced goodies available in the foyer like the aforementioned Popcorn, Nachos, Hot Dogs and then cold drinks to say nothing of Pick’n Mix.

Did you know that ‘foyer’ in French also means ‘hearth’ which frankly is where a lot of 3D animated movies should be consigned too, except mine when it is finished of course.


Don’t miss my Kickstarter Project

For a limited time only, as they say, you can help with what has been described as the best Kickstarter project ever, namely The Cat’s 3D Animated Movie Project.

Yes that’s right if you click here MY KICKSTARTER PROJECT you can help yourself to a piece of what will be movie history. I’m making a trailer for my up coming movie and I really need your help! Give as much as you like for wonderful and valuable rewards.

Sadly we live in a suspicious world so if you send this link to a friend you might like to use this one to show that there isn’t any funny business involved, there never is on my blog or site but then only you and I know that don’t we!

They can paste it into their browser and go straight to my 3D animated movie project page on Kickstarter.


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Aug 212012
 

I hear from a lot of sources that the Pixar movie ‘Brave’ (which is a reference to those who go to watch it I understand) is being used by the Scottish Tourist Board to drum up business.

Here is why they have to pay so much to Pixar!

Small children welcome Scotland

Happy picnicking!


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Jul 162012
 

Correct me if I am wrong but are more and more movie studios greasily sliding onto what they obviously see as the lucrative bandwagon that is animation, all with rather substandard productions, and worse it seems the are all choosing to join the 3D animation bandwagon which begs the question what will happen to the rather wonderful but sadly ‘ordinary’ 2D animation?

Yes this weekend I went to see Ice Age 4, a disappointment of a movie in 3D that even Sid the Sloth couldn’t rescue with his usual humour, despite a rather novel encounter with his wonderfully negligent parents.

Ice Age 4 Poster

To my way of thinking too much time in this confused movie was devoted to ‘amazing’ 3D effects of landmasses sliding over each other, not that these effects weren’t impressive of course, it’s just when you’ve seen one landmass slide over another the rest gets just a little tedious.

Maybe that is the trouble with modern day ‘Pixar’ style animation. Producers, writers, directors and teaboys in charge of these enormously costly productions think that they are compelled to include ever more startling special effects at the cost of… oh things like storyline, comedy and even relevance!

 

You never saw much in the way of special effects in Daffy Duck, Wile E Coyote or Bugs Bunny animated productions. Just a lot of gags and a bit of madness. Oh how I miss them these days and cringe at the announcement of the latest animated feature production especially when it is in 3D – when will they get that right?

Looney Tunes

There was one good thing about seeing Ice Age 4 this weekend though, I saw a trailer for Universal Studio’s first stab at making a large pile of cash from animation. It was called ‘Paranorman’ and if the trailer – where they include the best bits I believe – is anything to go by then we should all give this awful 3D turkey a very wide berth indeed.

 

Come on Disney, Fox, Sony to say nothing of Dreamworks please at least try to make a 3D animated movie that is entertaining and makes the audience laugh and not leave the movie theatre looking sheepish and embarrassed for having wasted so much time in the dark.

Here is just an observation about the Apple IOS 5 it recognises the made up word that is the part of the name of ‘Pixar’ Animation and not only auto-suggests it when you type one fingeredly on any iPhone, pad or Pod’s cramped keyboard but will also auto-correct a misspelling of the word ‘Pixar,’ but does not do the same for the made up word that’s the name of a competitor ‘Dreamworks’ really Apple how banal is that?

Finally, imagine my surprise, shock and horror to discover that Peaches, the daughter of Manney and Ellie the Mammoths in Ice Age, looks like a friend of mine! No I don’t think I am brave enough to say who though!

Peaches


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Dec 142011
 

I have been asked constantly recently a range of questions about poor old Dreamworks’ latest chump of a movie ‘Puss In Boots!’

Puss in Boots

The questions range include;

1. Is there any thing I can do to help Dreamworks write either a funny or successful movie (or preferably both) in the future?

2. Is there anything I can do for this turkey of a movie that they have in the Movie houses at the moment?

3. Can I think of anything to do with enormous surplus of ‘Puss In Boots’ merchandise that Dreamworks have.

Puss in Boots Toy

The sad fact (and I have a feeling that the Cat already knows it judging but his pose in the picture above) is that I can’t help the movie or the people behind it or assist in shifting tons of ‘Puss In Boots’ figures, cuddly toys, action sets. Although I do believe that I could find a use for any ‘Puss In Boots’ toilet paper!

‘Puss In Boots’ the movie suffers from being spun from a rather frail character in a successful franchise, like so many TV series that none of us can quiet remember.

The movie itself suffers from the fact that Dreamworks really doesn’t have any idea what young people find interesting, funny and most of all engaging; indeed I wonder if any grown-ups at Dreamworks asked even just one child if they liked actually liked ‘Puss In Boots?’ And not the one caught up in the obvious regard that they had for the Puss in footwear in Shrek.

The original ‘Puss in Boots’ story always bored the diapers off me when I was a kitten! And I am sure that goes for normal ordinary children as well.

The reason why ‘Shrek’ was so successful was that it was ‘different’ the reason why ‘Puss In Boots’ is a Dog of a movie and has had incredibly disappointing box office receipts is that it is just um, err, well, just that it’s bland, grey, tired, unoriginal – need I say more?

So onto something that is wonderful, colourful, funny, marvellous and the work of a genius and I have to say closer to my heart and will make a small fortune. I am currently looking for funding for a movie based on my first masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and judging by the fact that people with money are idiots and to prove that have invested heavily in a mess of a movie like ‘Puss In Boots’ I am expecting the cash any day.

As far as I can tell I think I have only one problem, and that is that if the idiots with money are prepared to pour so much cash into a Donkey of a project like ‘Puss In Boots’ will they put vast sums of money into something that is brilliantly written, desperately funny, and a work of some considerable genius! It is probably doubtful because that would require taste and imagination!

Can you see that I am face by an awful dilemma! Should I dumb down the script, take out the jokes and worse base my story on a tired nursery rhythm or English Pantomime? And believe it or not there is yet another problem with that scenario!

Are there any tired children’s stories left? Haven’t Disney and Dreamworks animated all of them already and are now at their wits end running around saying “oh no, we have to do something original now!”

Of course that won’t get them anywhere you only have to look at Pixar to see that, they provide movies with amazing technical brilliance, incredible animated tricks and so on and so forth but the storylines tend to be weak.

Just think of any of those dreadful driving movies staring someone called ‘Vin,’ the special effects are um… ‘special’ but that’s as far as it goes. Once you have seen a string of special effects you tend to be immune to them but not to the drone of the movie.

So if you have a few mill or even a few thou don’t let it go to waste, buy a share in what will be the animated movie moment of the century and help fund my wonderful movie as soon as possible so that we can get on with the production of that and the sequel at the same time.

If you need to have a quick read of my wonderful book before you decided to fund my movie then you can get it here Paperback edition of Getting Out at Amazon.com and of course the movie sequel here Paperback edition of The Cat’s Travelogue and do get a move on, I want to start filming as early as possible, I am a Cat who writes blogs who is in a hurry to be the first Cat to win an Oscar.

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Mar 282011
 

As you may or may not be aware the British royal family is about to have a wedding, the marriage of St Diana the peoples princess’s son to someone or the other. The hope is that this time a royal marriage might be less disastrous than most of the family’s recent weddings which have not lasted long, caused enormous scandals, and even worried MI5 the British secret service and it is possible the happy couple have been more or less married in common law since they shacked up together at university.

So to celebrate ‘the occasion’ as some would call it, the merchandising department of Buckingham palace has been busy giving the regal nod, for a ‘consideration’ to all sorts of tat that is in the shops now, including some sort of dreadful game from the bride’s family who are as eager as the groom’s family to cash in on their daughter’s good fortune, as they probably see it.

Obviously with every merchandising ‘event’ from Disney Movies to well err Pixar movies the quality of the merchandising has to be monitored carefully by the rights holder so that the ‘right’ impression of the event and the status of those involved is forever carved in plastic.

The merchandising mangers in Buckingham Palace have been careful to ensure that the image of the ‘happy couple’ and their royal relations is one that creates the right impression and so they have only licensed “appropriate” merchandising.

Here for your delight, if you really adore rubbish, is a selection of the royal wedding merchandising that seems to have slipped through the net and not been given the royal seal of approval, which is odd because the selection beautiful sums up the regally happy couple, the family into which the bride is marrying and indeed the ‘entiresome’ event.

Let me explain the word ‘entiresome’ it’s a newly invented word (I invented it for this article in fact) and it’s used to explain, in one word, something that’s not only ‘entirely’ ‘tiresome’ but also everything that is to do with it is as well.

So here for your pleasure are just a few merchandising items that I think beautifully sum up the happy event with a commentary where ‘unnecessary’ tee hee!

If you are like me the first example of royal wedding tat is something you really couldn’t do without.

Sick

I am sure that you will agree with me I can’t understand why these uncannily lifelike moulded plastic replicas of the royal family and the happy couple weren’t approved by Buckingham Palace! It’s sad that a lot of Chinese workers hard work has it would seem gone to waste, still i believe there is one scrap of silver in the lining of the story and that is that the models are recyclable.

Lifelike

It is a mystery to me why these excellent single cup tea bags haven’t seen the royal nod, the images look, let’s face it, very much like the royal subjects especially wills and tea is the national drink of the UK.

Bags

Just look at the craftsmanship that went into producing the salt cellar below and then think about the poor souls who slaved away for little or no wages to help celebrate the happy occasion, I feel for these people when I think their exquisite commemorative condiments were not on the offical list of rubbish that is being sold to help everyone celebrate this ‘momentous’ occasion.

I have to say I am using the word ‘momentous’ in an entirely new what here because I hope that when used in the same sentences as the words ‘royal wedding’ it will come to mean something that is forgotten in a moment.

Idiot Salt

Last but not least The Cat and his friends have produced their very own tribute to the happily royal couple ladies and gentlemen we give you dave the Cat and Crown! Dave the Cat as always is elegant, tasteful and regal in a bobble hat.

Dave the Cat and Crown

If you would like to purchase a copy of Dave the Cat’s commemorative picture you can do so reply to this blog or write to me The Cat at thecat@thecatsdiary.com for details. If you have bought or want to buy any of the official or unofficial tat that is on sale to commemorate this happy occasion do let me The Cat know and I will arrange for someone to visit you and provide counselling.

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