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Killer Bees!

Feb 162011

“The Warm Prompt…in order to avoid has the danger Thanaks your coordination”

The above nonsense comes from Taiwan which is odd, no not Taiwan, but the fact that I was talking about them yesterday and praising the people who come from Taiwan, (oh what do you call them – ah yes Chinese tee hee) and look what they go and do to a simple KEEP OUT sign!

You know I couldn’t have put that better myself, dangerous Honey Bees are a danger that has to be avoided, sadly though it is the other way around, mankind is killing the Honey Bees with pollution and you better stop soon because even though Einstein was wrong when he said that “If the bee disappears from the surface of the earth, man would have no more than four years to live. No more bees, no more pollination … no more men!” he was almost right.

Oh the reason why Mr Mad Hair was wrong was that most cereal crops such as Rice, Wheat and Corn that humans live on are actually pollinated by the wind and not Bees the planet would be an even worse place than it is now without Bees, no Honey, Fruits and so much more, though happily still Prawns.

I worry about a time when the fighting between humans breaks out about food who will fish for Prawns, I don’t think I can go without Prawns!

Anyway I have been wondering “A warm prompt” – what is one of those? You understand I don’t want one I just want to know if that is ok and while we are on the subject what other nonsense did Albert talk well here is a prime piece of rubbish straight from the scientists mouth try this flash of brilliance. “Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour,” which proves we aren’t all perfect are we?

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Bandit The Cat Saves Family From Fire

Cat World No Responses »

Jan 112011

Bandit Saves Family From Fire.jpg

While Bandit’s family slept the brave 15 year old Cat from Lincolnshire in the UK, braved flames to raise the alarm that the kitchen was on fire and possibly saved his family’s lives.

Bandit braved the flames to raised the alarm by scratching his human’s face, Marie his human who then woke up her partner David and his two daughters and then with with Bandit, four other Cats, four kittens and two dogs as well as hamsters, gerbils and rabbits managed to get to safety outside as the blaze raged.

The Fire Brigade were called and promptly and efficiently as usual bravely brought the blaze under control.

Later when they learned of Bandit’s bravery they said “If the Cat hadn’t woke you up, the occupants of the house would have died from toxic fumes and smoke.”

Happily that is not the case and thanks to Bandit all of the 20 occupants of the house escaped unharmed.

As you can see from the picture Bandit is a shy cat who really doesn’t like having his picture taken and frankly was wondering what all the fuss was about, all he wanted to do was to get down on the floor and check for Prawns – the usual reward for clever Cat’s.

Animal lover Marie proudly said that “Bandit is a very intelligent Cat although I didn’t expect him to do something like that, which I am amazed by. He can actually talk. He can say things like ‘hello’ but people don’t believe me he can talk.”

Shy bandit.jpg

Sadly the family didn’t have insurance and will have problems renovating the rented property they live in and replacing the ruined appliances in the kitchen which was badly damaged by the fire.

Happily for them and for Bandit after the brave men and women of the Lincolnshire Fire and Rescue put out the fire and they then installed smoke detectors which means that Bandit will have some help if something happens like this again.

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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I Was Going To Have A Day Off!

Cat World No Responses »

Dec 262010

As the title says I was going to have a day off today – but the Czech rubbish men’s rubbish collection on Christmas Day both impressed me and shamed me into stirring into a some sort of action today – yes it took me a whole day to even consider working on what should be my day off – am I lazy or just a feline committed to the ‘old ways,’ I prefer to think that the latter is the case if it is all the same to you!

But you have to be impressed with the dedication of those orange boiler suit clad warriors fighting against full rubbish bins making their third collection of rubbish in a week, they are amazing – where else would that sort of dedication occur? Not in any of the ‘civilised’ countries I know of like err England, France or even the good old US of A.

So unfortunately I couldn’t sit here – well lie here – next to a radiator waiting for a warm human lap to appear and then lazily plonk myself on it and beg for Prawns could I?

By the way there were Prawns aplenty yesterday you could say that the place was “awash” with Prawns. I have to announce proudly that I had more than my fair share and managed to keep them down, although I did have dreams about the sea last night! I wonder if there’s any connection?

Anyway that is enough deviating from the point that I know I haven’t made yet. The point I want to point out is this latest outrage from those spoilt spongers who call themselves the “Royal Family of Great Britain and Ireland” or whatever today’s title is.

Just look at the person who calls herself “queen” in this snap taken in Norfolk land of the yokel and windmill! The dreadful old wrinkly is wearing a Cat as a hat – that is awful – some poor animal suffered there it would seem and worse the equally dreadful camellia ‘queen of pies’ seems to have got wind of the fact that the oldest royal wrinkly was going to wear large parts of an animal on her head and has joined in the ‘fun’ wearing what looks like ‘Bambi’ above her very prominent facial lines on her face that could only be described as a face that a plastic surgeon dreams of renovating.

There is worse to come as well – not that the snaps of these women of a certain age are not awful enough on their own – take a look at the older woman’s handbag in the picture below. The logo in particular – does CC stand for ‘culled Cat’ are the royals – known for their mass murder of all animals in the name of hunting now turning to persecuting only Cats? Has my campaign against these over privileged spoilt brats who have no idea about the real world got them rattled? It looks like it doesn’t it!

A WORD FROM DAVE THE CAT

“It’s going to be more than one word I can tell you.” Pause for long explanation. “Oh sorry I didn’t know that the title of my bit was just an English phrase – my English isn’t as good as yours and I still don’t know why I can’t write this in ‘Cat?’

“Anyway all I wanted to say was that that pair of wizened old ladies should be told that hats are for Cats and should not be made of them – that sounds like a really bad idea and what may I ask happens to the poor Cat whose fur you decided to use as a hat?”

“Furthermore!”

(Cat’s note; sorry about this but when Dave the Cat starts to talk he is difficult to shut up).

“I would imagine that Cat’s make really poor hats because they do tend to wriggle in their sleep and could easily slip off some old queen’s head, fall to the floor and if they were fast asleep get left behind, and I know that some Cats like me for instance are very sound sleepers and if, goodness forbid, some old queen wanted to use me as headgear I would probably slip off and get left behind.”

“Personally I think that the oldies in this picture are really unkind and callous…” “What do you mean I have to stop there – I have loads more to say…”

Editors note

Sorry Dave the Cat would have rambled on for hours if I hadn’t accidentally unplugged his laptop, it’s actually the first time he has ever used it, well apart from turning it on and either sleeping on top of it as it heats up to a level of spontaneous combustion or lying down wind of the hot air being extracted from inside with his nose pressed up against the fan grill and a really weird and not very nice look of satisfaction on his face that may contain at its root a smile of contentment.

Dear cuddly readers Dave the Cat wanted you all to know that the hat colour is “protest red” and I thought that I should pass that on because I was convinced it was a sort of ‘santa’s little helper red’ as it is Christmas, but he got very angry when I told him, I think he is worried about becoming a hat against his will – like the rest of us decent law abiding Cats.

Signs That Make You Laugh

Cat World No Responses »

Dec 212010

Most of the photographs of signs that ‘friends’ send me or I have ‘snapped’ on my travels are from countries where English is probably not even a second language and where speakers of our (well my adopted) tongue twisting language try their very hardest to create a sign that is understood by the rest of the planet and of course fail.

But even if those brave souls who spend such a long time scratching their heads trying as hard as the can to communicate in English fail surely there is no excuse for people who have spent their life speaking, and one hopes writing, English is there? And with that question I bring you a photograph of a sign from a small village in England; mmh 1 out of ten and that mark was only awarded because the writer had remembered to bring paper!

Of course the next picture is one, for me at least, to treasure! As an author I have always been interested in any place, house or indeed flat where there is a sign that says that the author of ‘Great Expectations’ and so many other wonderful books lived. And as someone who is that interested in old Charlie I am never disappointed because he was always one step ahead of the debtors and moved around an awful lot.

Still I had, until now of course, never seen his birthplace, no wonder Charlie wrote so eloquently about poverty, he was born at a bus stop! Knowing that explains a lot!

Today’s last and in my opinion oddest sign comes from the good people of Egypt where one feels that they don’t really know about Prawns and that in this Cat’s book is a crime and even putting aside what can only be described as the ‘peculiar’ sandwich on the right the one on the left look awful, those Prawns have never been shown a grill have they?

About the Author

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Sad News!

Cat World No Responses »

Dec 152010

Mourning Ribbon LHS.png

Today I am saying goodbye to Randolph the Mountaineering Cat who unfortunately yesterday met a mountain that he wasn’t able to climb successfully.

You know I met Randolph the Mountaineering Cat on his travels while I was doing research for my next book ‘The Travelogue,’ unfortunately the chapter with Randolph the Mountaineering Cat in it was ‘bought’ by the country where we met and so it won’t be in my next blockbusting book.

Actually I am finding that a lot of governments, mayors and anyone connect with countries, cities or towns which feature in my soon to be published Travelogue are ‘buying out’ chapters related to their countries, cities or towns so that they don’t have to suffer the embarrassment of being ‘exposed’ in what is the most honest travel book every written by a Cat!

Goodbye Randolph the Mountaineering Cat.jpg

This purchasing of chapters means that the book is constantly getting smaller and in turn means that I in the interests of value for money have to keep traveling to new countries, of course the extra work is annoying but let’s face it the ‘hush money’ or as some call them ‘bribes’ come in very handy – just ask any african politician or sporting body committee member!

What I can say without breaking the confidentiality agreements I have pawed is that I first bumped into Randolph the Mountaineering Cat on the way to Nepal as he was enduring a stop over at a shabby and rather smelly airport in a rapidly developing country that will one day take America’s place as the leader of the world… sorry I have to stop there for two reasons the first is mentioned above and the second is that I am laughing so much I just can’t type.

After that, our paths seemed to cross as we went from country to country Randolph the Mountaineering Cat was off to climb yet another mountain and I was… well I actually can’t tell you too much about what I was doing or you won’t buy the next book and that would be a little like shooting myself in the Paw with a keyboard! Mmh ‘shooting myself in the paw with a keyboard’ doesn’t sound right does it? But I think you know what I mean.

You know in the short time that we had together Randolph the Mountaineering Cat and I got on rather well and shared a curry together and later the same toilet. It was then while we were both in a lot of pain that something he said stuck in my mind as the dysentery did its worst “chaps and Cats that suffer together form a bond that nothing can break!” I knew exactly what he meant and I also knew that I would possibly sometimes miss-quote Randolph the Mountaineering Cat but I would never forget him or what he said.

Sadly yesterday that bond was broken but not but me. I heard that Randolph the Mountaineering Cat was swinging one pawedly from snowy boulder to snowy boulder in a scree 6,000ft above Base Camp 3 when something went wrong and he slipped.

You know, we got on so well that I had even arranged for him to have ‘exploratory’ talks with my translator John Woodcock in the hope that with Randolph the Mountaineering Cat’s amazing adventures and our very own Mr. Woodcock’s feeble talent together they could produce a bestseller similar to my work a masterpiece of feline literary genius – ‘Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ available here Amazon.com if you are one of the few people on planet earth who haven’t bought it yet and of course my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com where you can buy my book, read my blog and get so much more including loads of free online games both festive and not so festive.

It’s a shame and a great loss that as with Randolph the Mountaineering Cat that book is lost forever.

So in conclusion I would just like to say that Randolph the Mountaineering Cat was a fine Cat and a good friend and I know that it is not only me who will miss him because the world is a poorer place without him and his adventurous kind!

Mourning Ribbon RHS.png

Oh take all of what I said about Randolph the Mountaineering Cat back, he has just called me, he’s in town and we’re going out for Prawns on Friday. I asked him about the photograph and he said that it was the first in a series of ‘shots’ taken for a magazine of him clawing his way to the summit of Katmandu.

Apparently the photoshoot was supposed to be ‘dramatic,’ I didn’t have the heart to tell him how ‘dramatic’ the story that was that I was given about the first picture in the series! I don’t know you can never trust the media these days. Still I am looking forward to catching up with Randolph the Mountaineering Cat almost as much as I am looking forward to the Prawns.

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It’s Funny What You Find In The Kitchen

Cat, hors d'œuvres, Pineberry, Prawns, Strawberry No Responses »

Mar 312010

As the title of this blog says it is funny what you find in the kitchen! Obviously a lot of what I ‘find’ in the kitchen has never actually been lost in the first place, but then again I have to say in my defence that I am not looking for most of what I find in the kitchen, if you follow my logic.

Personally when I am looking for something in the kitchen it is almost always Prawns, and sadly you don’t find them in the kitchen everyday in fact I usually find things that are inedible like vegetables or worse Cat food!

Can you imagine my surprise last night when I was having a stroll around the kitchen work surfaces looking for a lost, stray, forlorn, forgotten Prawn when I can across something truly unusual.

The something was actually a collection of somethings and all of them looked the same, and the only way to describe what they looked like was odd!

I suppose the best way to describe the pile of somethings is that they looked like a collection of inside out Strawberries with white albino skin and red seeds dotted over them.

Of course I thought that I should taste these odd looking berries and I have to report that they all tasted rather peculiar and I know that because I nibbled on each one, well I took a bite out of the first couple and then ever smaller bites out of the next few until I was definitely nibbling because disappointingly none of them tasted of Prawn.

Sadly to a Cat’s taste which has been fine tuned to Prawns these ugly berries tasted ugh! Almost like Pineapple in fact and I only know what Pineapple tastes like because once in a quick raid on a table laden with hors d’œuvres I thought I had kicked a plate of Prawns to the floor and when I dived off the table to eat as many as I could before being discovered, I was faced with a collection of Pineapple and Ham as a punishment for not pushing the right plate of the table in the first place.

Once I had given up the search for Prawns or Prawn flavoured or related snacks on the kitchen work surface I thought I would find out a little more about the odd fruits that I had encountered but all I can add to the facts above is that they ‘are’ called Pineberries, they are desperately expensive and shouts of “who has nibbled the Pineberries” carrys all the way from the kitchen to the upstairs study where I use the internet.

Just to show you what a Pineberry looks like I did manage to find a picture before I went into hiding for a few hours to allow the ‘situation’ that had developed to calm down.

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Prawns With Feelings!

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Feb 112010

People are surprised when I say that I read, but frankly it isn’t anything special is it? ‘Reading’ that is, not being ‘surprised!’ In fact being surprised is a little boring if like some people you are surprised all the time, because it means that you haven’t got much in the way of an imagination.

People are also surprised when I talk to them, a Cat that talks “what did they put in my coffee?” People usually ask, then they ask if I am a ‘special’ Cat and of course as well as being clever and a good looking Cat I am special, but not in the sense that has been used to denigrate people (and this Cat once) I hasten to add.

It is odd what some people think is normal and other people think is ‘unusual’ isn’t it? But when all is said, read and done I am mostly just a regular Cat who happens to read, talk and of course write wonderful books what make people split stitches – literally and literary if you see what I mean.

Just read one of the lovely reviews on Amazon.com if you chose to disbelieve me, which by the way is a great insult to Cats because we can’t, as I have said before, ‘lie’ which is a terrible shame if you want to know, and has hampered my career I am sure.

So to prove I am just a regular ordinary Joe type of Cat I thought I would talk about Prawns again, I was reading the other day that scientists have discovered that Prawns have feelings, no honestly they have!

I must say I thought it was a bit daft when I read it and imagined all of the Prawns who’s feelings I had obviously hurt in the past, poor little fellows.

Then I started to think about the scientists. What an odd bunch they must be to actually be interested in Prawns’ feelings in the first place, then as my mind burrowed deeper in to the whole Prawn feeling thing I started to wonder just what the research goals of the scientists was.

Did they think that Prawns’ feeling might be easier to research and study than humans? Did they think that by discovering if Prawns had feelings then they could use that information in say space, or industry? I wonder and of course doubt that they could.

Then I thought what a load of nonsense humans get up to. Then I decided that I would like to offer a nice home to anyone who has either very delighted or depressed Prawns, I know a great way to make them happy and of course become so much happier myself.

Lastly, though of course with me you don’t know that this paragraph will in fact be the last one of course, I must apologise for mentioning Prawns again, it is I have to say a bit of a habit with me, but I suppose it proves that I am just a Cat after all!

Finally tee hee and oops! I thought there was another paragraph in me – you can learn all about Prawns in my ‘un-put-down-able’ book I suggest that if you haven’t bought it Amazon.com is as good a place as any to get it, your eyes will love you and if you don’t laugh a lot then I will eat my words – so long as they are ‘Prawns, Prawns, Prawns…’ yes I am sure you get the picture!

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The Cat Thanks Everyone

Book, Cat, Cat Diary, Cats, Good Looking Cat, Prawns, Royal Family No Responses »

Feb 092010

This good looking Cat would like to thank everyone who came to the ‘Bring A Prawn Dance!’ last Saturday/Sunday and for some hardened party goers Monday too!

All in all we had a wonderful time in general and as you can see from the picture it got just a little wild.

Actually I do wish that I had used a picture on the invitations because some people and I won’t mention any names here brought err, how can I put this – oh yes – complete idiots, instead of Prawns.

Apparently a ‘Prawn’ in the human language can also mean a person who is not only not quite the ticket and has bought a bus ticket when they should have got one for a train, what can I say?

Well I suppose I could say that we had a right royal time with the idiots, but I won’t because a lot of people have accused me recently of being a bit of a royal basher and those who know me will agree that isn’t true, give me a choice between a Prawn and a royal and I will always eat the Prawn!

Actually I heard from a ‘reliable’ source that a well known royal had bought my best selling book and loved it, apparently it props the drawing room door open perfectly!

I wonder if they bought it here at Amazon.com that would have been nice.

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The Cat's Blog

Killer Bees!

Bandit The Cat Saves Family From Fire

I Was Going To Have A Day Off!

Signs That Make You Laugh

Sad News!

It’s Funny What You Find In The Kitchen

Prawns With Feelings!

The Cat Thanks Everyone

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