Aug 032012
 

I am ashamed to say it but this picture makes me ravenous!

Lunch

No before you call the emergency tree hugger brigade I have to explain the men on the boat are eating Prawns and frankly I want them, yes I want all their Prawns now and while I am at it anyone else’s too!

Please give me a Prawns or buy loads of copies of my wonderful books so that I can buy my own Prawns, after all that would be a great deal wouldn’t it? I like Prawns and my books are top of the Summer reading charts I am happy to say with millions of satisfied readers already so if you are doing some last minute shopping for you fortnight in the sun you could do no worse than getting one or both of my books and happily the covers are sun lotion proof.

In addition I have it on good authority that if you fall asleep with a copy of my book on your stomach it will protect you skin more efficiently than factor 80 suncream, how about that!


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Aug 012012
 

Toulouse where the bastards come from

Fancy that!

The only thing you can say in favour of this French sign is that it is bilingual! How cruel is it to highlight the number of people born out of wedlock as they used to say in the victorian times and still do in the Conservative Party in the UK.

Still at least we know where all the bastards come from in Toulouse don’t we!


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Jul 312012
 

Franky the Fox an adorable young fox cub had what couldn’t exactly be termed a Bond like escape from a muddy spot of bother recently when he was pulled from a deep muddy hole on building site caked in mud.

Fox1

Four-month-old Franky the Fox who was rescued from an site close to London’s Canary Wharf, wasn’t apparently looking for a secret way into the London Olympics without paying he had just lost his way and fell into the deep hole and had little or no chance of escaping.

Happily a kindly builder spotted Franky the Fox and his slimy predicament and phoned the South Essex Wildlife Hospital who arrived promptly on the scene to take care of Franky the Fox.

The only harm that was done was that Franky the Fox was covered in a thick layer of dried sludge from head to foot which as you can see washed off – eventually.
Fox2

After a lot of rest and even more food Franky the Fox will be released into the wild with the warning presumably, “Don’t go near any deep muddy holes!” Let’s hope that Franky the Fox remembers this important warning in the future.


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Jul 302012
 

We hope you like home cocking Tokyo

TEE HEE

It gets a bit embarrassing when the “About Me” section is long than my blog but I thought this picture spoke for it’s self, don’t you?


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Jul 262012
 

According to articles in today’s English press, Mitt Romney has questioned whether Britain is ready for Olympic Games.

Yes believe it or not the Republican party presidential nominee actually questioned our/Britain’s ability to host London 2012 Olympics and asked whether the country is genuinely willing to “celebrate” the Games.

Mitt

So with one simple thoughtless comment Uncle Mitt has done what the London Olympics Organising Committee couldn’t do, the Prime Minister of the UK – sorry I forget his name, tall inconsequential faffy type of chap… you know, what’s his name? And indeed the rest of the people involved in the London Olympics, or should that be according to Lord Coe after so many years of calling the London Olympic Games the “London Olympic Games” – the “UK Olympic Games,” I’d call Mitt ‘a bit of a Prawn” but I like Prawns so I won’t, i’ll do better than that and let my cuddly readers on both sides of the Atlantic decide what to call him!

Of course no one in the UK, most of whom are jealous of London and Londoners if they live outside of London didn’t like the Olympics!

We, that is, the people, and Cats of course of the UK, don’t actually like most things including ourselves, but when some jumped up asset stripper and presidential no-hoper comes to our country and suggests that we are a bunch of idiots who couldn’t organise a polygamist wedding in a Tabernacle or whatever it was he said it strikes home I can tell you.

Only the British allow themselves to be criticised by the err… British and no one else, I bet Mitt and his various wives, if he is a true follower of the faith, can expect to be one of the 3,500 people in the new modern London Aquadrome who won’t be able to see the top board in the diving competition because of the curved roof which obscures the view of the highest diving board.

What a shame that the UK Border Agency immigration staff were working at Heathrow Airport when they let him instead of being on strike as they promised they would be, or is that why he came early?

Still I pity poor Mitt I wouldn’t like to be in his brogues, during this trip and then when he so many more foreign policy mistakes on the next legs of what is probably his first trip outside of the US, and then gets roundly beaten by the presidential incumbent who let’s face it has disappointed too many people all too often.


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Jul 262012
 

Now that we all have to pay for our plastic carriers bags, to help save the environment, well that is the excuse that is made by retailers and the one time great providers of free eco-friendly carrier bags, is it time that we got something in return for our hard earned cash that is value for money?

Yes I think so!

Well that answer to my question was a little obvious because I am writing this blog from that point of view! But I hope you see what I mean.

Still my point is that Tesco and all of the other supermarket bandits shouldn’t be allowed to sell carrier bags that don’t live up to what name suggests and sadly fall well below the expectations of even a Cat, when the contents that have been crammed into the aforementioned carrier bag disappear out of the bottom and land below even the eye level of this vertically challenged Pussy!

There is, if I am not mistaken a point of law that says (in civilised western countries at least) that something which is bought from a retailer or any old third party should be of merchantable quality, isn’t there?

So having said that, would you my dear cuddly readers suggest that the carrier bag below is of that particular quality? Of course you wouldn’t, would you?

Tescos Carrier Bag

It not only failed in its mission to transport a sizeable shipment of mouth watering Prawns. It also spread those contents plus some rather personal items, which I prefer not to name, across the shopping mall floor, a shattering experience for the bottle involved and a highly embarrassing one for this poor humiliated and as yet uncompensated Cat.

Something has to be done to ensure that when we buy a carrier bag we get something that will do what the name suggests doesn’t it?

I suggest that someone start a campaign with of course my full moral support and backing, so long as I don’t actually have to do any hard work for that campaign because I am currently in mourning for a bag of Prawns and couldn’t bring myself to chain my person to the doors of a branch of Tesco – hint hint!

You know I have a feeling that there is more to this carrier bag nonsense than merely a clever supermarket getting extra cash for something they used to give away for free don’t you?

So convinced was I that there was something more to this that I even searched in the wonderful organ of misinformation and confusion ‘Google’ after typing “what happens to the money collected from selling plastic carrier bag that were once given away” I got these answers.

1. – “Americans throw away 100 billion plastic bags every year” Yeah right always blame the poor Americans, but what has that got to do with my question? Nothing of course!

2. “Firms faces penalties of up to £5000 if they give away single use carrier bags.” That seems a bit strong doesn’t it – still it was the Welsh Government website so…

3. Why do charity shops charge 5p for a used carrier bag when they’re selling clothes for 5 pence and selling books for 50 pence each?” Why indeed?

So after all that research – well I couldn’t stand reading more than a page of the nonsense that a Google search throws up so I gave up without any answers, but I did get loads of adverts served up to me selling things I didn’t need, have you noticed that Google always vomits nonsense doesn’t it? You would think that at least one advert would have mentioned “shopping bag” but it didn’t!

So sadly I can’t tell you where the 5p collected goes, although I suspect it goes towards the profits of the retailer involved and don’t blame them the scheme has to be inforced because it is the law.

I did laugh at this quote from one government website.

“What is a single-use carrier bag?

A single-use carrier bag is a bag that is not designed for substantial reuse and are often given out with the aim of transporting your goods home for just one trip. These are most often plastic bags but can also include paper bags too.”

Now I don’t know about you but I use paper and plastic carrier bags more than once to carry my Prawns home from the shop in and after that I use them as bing bags for my kitchen bin, although I have a suspicion that I should buy bin bags and use them for shopping first because they are so much cheaper at 2p according to the Tescos website page here Tescos website – Bin Liners and pictured below.

Tescos Bin Liners

It’s so true these days that high earning tax avoiders, The Tax Man, Politicians, Bankers, Multinationals and of course Supermarkets are all looking to take advantage of us.

As Leonard puts it in the Big Bang Theory when he trying to tell Dr. Sheldon Cooper that he has been compromised.

“Alright, well let me see if I can explain your situation using physics. What would you be if you were attached to another object by an incline plane wrapped helically around an axis?”

Dr. Sheldon Cooper: “Screwed?”

Leonard: “There you go.”


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Jul 242012
 

I came across this picture of a seal Pup and a Human off the coast of Northumberland and thought that my dear cuddly readers would like it. Personally as the title says I find it difficult to ‘like’ any water that is bigger than a few mouthfuls and can’t understand why other animals like it so much.

But I have to say that these two seem to be enjoying gallons of the wet stuff.

Cheeky Seal Pup

The more I looked at the this picture the more it seemed to me that Seals are like Dogs with fins, mind you this Seal, if he is representative of the breed, seems to suggest that his kind are a lot more intelligent that your average Bow-Wow, don’t you think?

You know, I think I like Seals! I wonder, if in addition to the usual Horn honking and Beach Ball tricks they learn in Circuses, whether they can be persuaded to catch Prawns for hungry, Prawn deprived Cats?


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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May 172012
 

On my meandering way around the world researching my latest unputdownable masterpiece of feline literature ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ I dropped off in a lot of places, but then human cities, after a while, get very samey don’t they and frankly they could send anyone with as little interest in human activities (except Prawn fishing of course) to sleep.

One of the places I did stay awake in was Buenos Aires. I also felt rather hungry all of the time and unfortunately after I got back home I had to dump the entire chapter of my masterpiece of feline literature ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ because it was drivel which was odd because at the time of writing it I though that it was amazing, and one of the best things I had ever written.

Thinking back to my time in Argentina I have a suspicion that all of the rambling drivel I wrote and my feeling of euphoria might have had more to do with the rather nice sweeties I became rather partial to while I was there!

Oddly enough when my supply was curtailed, after leaving the country, I was rather depressed for a while and even now a few years afterwards I still have the occasional craving for Crack Crocante.

Addictive sweetie for all ages Argentina

You don’t have any in your pockets do you? Just a little taste, that’s all I want, I’ve got Prawns!


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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May 162012
 

As the title says imagine my horror when I was casually leafing through my admiring Twitter followers and weeding out the spammers and porn artists, who I seem to attract for no reason that I can fathom, to discover that this political organisation follows me.

Twitter horror

The picture of that chap who leads the organisation and goes by the odd title of ’10’ is enough to put anyone off their breakfast Prawns isn’t it? What a shifty looking character he is, personally I don’t ever trust people with very high foreheads do you?

After I recovered from the shock and came out from behind the sofa and meowed a bit to let my translator know what might have ‘happened’ (if you see what I mean) close to where I was cowering – well in my defence I was terrified by that haunting smirk ’10’ has, I started to wonder why ‘they’ would wish to follow me, they can’t be fans of mine can they? I somehow doubt that.

So what other reasons could there be for reasonably powerful political institution that’s so unpopular with the British people that it had to share power with a minority party which it referred to before the election as “irrelevant?”

Makes a Cat wonder doesn’t it! Oh! As to the question above! I have no idea why that lot follow me but I hope that they are telling all of their members to buy at least one copy of my wonderful books it may well cheer them up especially as they and their political allies will get what my old Mum used to call a “drubbing” at the next election assuming that they last that long.

So if you ’10’ and your politicos are reading this, and of course it will appear and even get retweeted on my page at Twitter I hope that you take some of this Cat’s wisdom to heart, especially the occasional serious stuff which is usually about animal welfare.

The UK is not a good place for a lot of animals to live today, with idiots training Dogs to fight and to be like weapons, with what look like ‘normal’ middle aged women putting a Cat into a dustbin just because the Cat was sitting on a wall near one, and worst of all the fact that even the royals can’t keep their itchy bejewelled, privileged fingers of the triggers of their Purdey & Sons 12 bore shotguns much to the cost of anything that is either furry or feathered and wild.

As you can see from the picture below of the exterior of Purdey & Sons shop in South Audley Street London, all of the royals from the queen downwards like their double barrelled fun and have given Purdey permission to use their coat of arms.

Purdey

Of course a royal warrant means that the royals either get their weapons and ammo cheap or don’t pay for them at all and the company gets their warrant, a seal of approval, and with that can double their prices even when they aren’t selling their hardware to folk from the middle east who are tired of hunting with hawks and want to do what the royal family do with such grace and blow large holes in deer, rabbits, pheasant, grouse, and any other wild creatures that cross their sights.

And just to show that this cat isn’t exaggerating look at the picture below. Nothing demonstrates the result of a successful royal hunting party better than a picture of the participants carrying away the corpses of so many defenceless little wild creatures, in this case a brace or two of pheasants. While one of them wears a hat that was killed earlier!

Wills Kate shooting

Finally this is just an observation, but have you noticed that both William and Kate share that ominous human characteristic I mentioned above, a very high forehead, it has to mean something doesn’t it?


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Mar 152012
 

I saw these pictures of the Moon, Jupiter and Venus online (unlike the real thing sadly) and thought I would share them with you my dear cuddly readers.

They clearly show that we live in a wonderful Universe which when we start to get to know it will be an exciting and magical place with endless surprises and opportunities.

Venus and Jupiter

Moon venus jupiter

What a shame then after thinking of all of that ‘higher’ stuff that I read in the newspapers that Russia wants to send a man or two to the Moon, not to explore, consider the wonder of the view like the first men on the Moon, but to dig it up for rare earths and collect something called Helium 3 which is apparently very very rare and so worth a big fortune.

I suppose that the next ‘Put’ as they will no doubt call future Tsars will then want to hold the rest of the world to ransom by limiting supply of this stuff like they do to Europe at the moment with their natural gas, just like the Arabs do with their oil and the Chinese do with their rare earths.

It is such a shame that the marvellous Cosmos is regarded by most humans as a place where they can go eventually to dig it up and make the same mess of the Universe as they have made of the home planet. What say us Cats rise up and do something about this. Oh look a plate of Prawns and someone has puffed up my pillow – maybe I can start the revolution tomorrow!


About the Author – The Cat who writes blogs!

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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