Feb 102014
 

This week the royal family hit a new low when the possible future king, if the monarchy last that long, was off playing at what they call “the sport of king’s” or in other words he was blasting away with both barrels at any animal that got in his way, on a wealthy pal’s estate in Spain, although it is reported that he was only looking for wild boar maim or kill.

Hunting wild boar Spain

All of this was happening a day before the royal hypocrite will be participating in a UK Government hosted conference on the illegal wildlife trade along side the other well know small animal murderer, his father charles. The conference will also signal the launch of a campaign jointly run by these two hunters called laughingly “Let’s Unite for Wildlife!” which aims to highlight the devastating impact of poaching animals such as rhinos, and elephants and calls for international action.

I wonder if anyone has sat these two idiots down and explained that the best way to “Unite for Wildlife” is to put their guns away and stop shooting at anything and everything that twitches?

But then I suppose if they can make their campaign “Let’s Unite for Wildlife!” a success it will clear all of the riff raft out of the shooting game and leave it just for the super rich all of which would be far more to the taste of these two cold blooded animal killers.

Prince William Hunting

The royal family regularly visit the sprawling 37,000-acre Finca La Garganta estate to kill things, this time william was accompanied by his ginger haired brother. Because although kate likes to kill things as much as any cold blooded royal this time she couldn’t because happily the royal couple have worked out that the sound of guns blasting here, there and everywhere tends to annoy the nannies because it makes the baby cry and her advisers have warned that public opinion, even the royal loving Brits, would take a dim view of her accompanying the royals for a shooting spree and leaving the baby at home with the nannies so she sloped off to the Caribbean instead to sun herself in a $20,000 a week Caribbean bungalow while the prince was busy shooting wild boar in Spain, all of course paid for by the hard pressed UK tax payer.

It s alright being a royal

Why shiver with the rest of the UK and have to endure the reports of UK citizens losing their jobs and then their homes and the ‘tedious’ reports of so many ordinary working people who are still in work but have to visit food banks to feed their children when you can sun yourself and relax by a pool? Why kate indeed?

Kate middleton

It’s alright being a royal isn’t it kate?

Obviously I have to declare my interest when writing a blog such as this one so that you, dear cuddly reader don’t think I am bias. I honestly believe that the George Washington and his merry men, the Bolsheviks and Oliver Cromwell had the right idea and that is why although I am English I live in a republic!

Oliver Cromwell


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

I would like to tell you all about something new and rather nice that you can get from the Apple iBooks store, no not ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book you have been able to get that for ages, no something else rather wonderful. You can get John Woodcock’s brilliantly illustrated book the first in the series called ‘The Trams of Prague’

This heavily illustrated books created especially for iPads, Pods and Phones called Tram No 6 is the Naughtiest of Trams and it looks amazing.

If you would like to get this exceptional book the easy way, just click on this link:
Trams of Prague – Tram No6 is the Naughtiest of Trams


Don’t forget dear cuddly readers one and all that my translator’s heavily illustrated book has just been made available at the iBookstore or iTunes – what was it with Steve Jobs and all of the ‘i’s’?

To get whizzed straight to the store whatever it’s called just click on the picture of the cover of that wonderful book below.

Trams of Prague ePub Cover 2 1 13 225x225 75

Aug 072013
 

A Phuket Special

Seedy holiday destinations seem to offer so many interesting things don’t they? I wonder if prince William knows he can get a personal massage here – or is that sign offering something else to someone else.

What do I know I am just a Cat happily and have no idea or interest in what you humans get up to!

About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

I would like to tell you all about something new and rather nice that you can get from the Apple iBooks store at last, yes it’s my wonderful first book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ so what are you waiting for you lovely Apple users?

Apr 302011
 

It is true to say that I have deliberately avoided commenting on the royal wedding because it is tedious and every other idiot who can type has, but I couldn’t resist this little gem of a picture. It sums up the day and the dynasty.

I had heard that she gave good head but as a Cat I thought that she was generous with some of the best bits of left over fish!

They say that every picture tells a story and wow what a story this one tells! Poor little kate I bet she felt a bit of a knob on the balcony, she should have told whatever his name is to wait until they got inside. But then that’s the royals for you, if they want something they want it now!

One of the many reasons that they have to go!

Bet she felt a bit of a knob on the balcony

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Jan 252011
 

I thought as there had been a few stories recently about yours truly and wonderful, intelligent Cats in general I would give you humans a human story for a change.

Everyone knows Facebook.com I suppose and most people if you tie them to a chair and shine a light into their eyes for long enough would recognise Kate Middleton, the mousey young woman who is going to marry prince thingy in a couple of months and together they are going to raise the spirits of a bedraggled nation, or cost that nation a small fortune for a wedding, your choice depending upon whether you support the monarchy or are a grown up, but it has to be remembered that only one Kate Middleton is going to marry the balding prince thingy.

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So why can’t Facebook, a social something or other network, realise that there may well be humans with the same name in their system – let me explain.

It may come as a shock to you and I know it will to Facebook if they ever enter the real world, but the world is full of ‘Kates’ – they are young and younger women who were called ‘Kate’ by their proud parents. Kate is a girl’s name after all and incidentally means ‘pure!’

The name Kate is a shortening for the longer female name of Katherine which can also be shortened further to ‘Kat’ which is nothing to do with us felines I have to say, the name ‘Kat’ has more to do with err… how can I put this more – down to earth people, ok common people.

According to WikiAnswers.com there are 200,679 Kate’s or Katherine’s in total in the world but quite frankly that answer could be like most answers from that website either total rubbish, copied from Wikipedia (which I believe is more or less on a par with rubbish) or completely and utterly untrue.

The ‘fact’ that there are so many ‘Kates’ in the world is something that anyone with an average IQ would agree to and frankly you can decide if you believe WikiAnswers.com or not because the numbers are not important, the most important fact about the name ‘Kate’ is that there are a lot of women, and of course to ensure that this Cat isn’t being sexist probably some men, called ‘Kate.’

So what does all that mean? Well a few things, up to 400,857 parents liked the name Kate, the name Kate is a bit common, the name Kate is nothing special really!

Usually females called Kate have a last name, and some of those will be unfortunate enough to have the last name of ‘Middleton’ it is also a reasonably common name.

Currently in the United Kingdom there are 20,573 people with the last name ‘Middleton’ where it is ranked the 269th most popular surname in the country.

In the United States of America there are nearly double the number of people with the surname of Middleton 40,708, but because there are more people in the states the surname is ranked only 771st, all of which means that as with the christian name ‘Kate,’ ‘Middleton’ is a common name and there is nothing what so ever wrong with that – is there folks?

Well let me rephrase that – there is nothing wrong with that unless you just happen to be called Kate Middleton and are on Facebook the well known and dreadfully dull way to keep in touch with people you would normally avoid but ‘befriended’ when they asked to avoid a confrontation of some sort where it would seem that the idiots are in charge of the controls.

Now why does that “know it all of a Cat” say that against poor defenceless but awfully profitable Facebook? Well the answer is simple to this Cat and I am sure that you humans will catch up eventually!

Recently the intellectually challenged minors at Facebook who ‘control and regulate’ Facebook decided to suspend the account of a 29 year old lady from Northants UK because oddly enough she was called ‘Kate Middleton.’ But as we have seen above the names Kate and Middleton are not uncommon and of course it is almost certain that these two names would be linked together by a pair or more of loving parents who named little Kate, Kate when she was a baby.

Little did these unsuspecting but proud parents know that 29 years later another ‘Kate’ an unremarkable woman with mouse-bum brown hair would be marrying a balding British prince who is second in line to a redundant throne and in turn be risking the family curse of divorce after a few years as her husband to be’s Father, Uncle and Aunt all suffered from that curse, divorce must run in the family and the family and its members must be dreadfully hard to live with.

So Kate Middleton’s Mum and Dad didn’t think that there would be any problems calling Kate ‘Kate’ and when Kate Middleton joined the oh so mundane website Facebook they accepted her as yet another person that they could flog crap to through their soon-to-be launched advertising system that rivals Google.com in its pointlessness.

Unfortunately Kate Middleton who is a Healthcare Assistant has recently had her Facebook account suspended because the ‘clever people’ at Facebook said that she had registered on their network with a fake name – as if they would know what a fake name is, does anyone know what ‘facebook’ means?

So why have the dicks that are clever at Facebook victimised this particular Kate Middleton and deny her access to her library of contacts and photographs, well unfortunately the answer is all too simple some other Kate Middleton will be marrying a balding British prince and be risking divorce in a few years in April and the British and obviously Facebook are wetting themselves in anticipation and excitement indeed Facebook has moved to stop anybody impersonating that particular unfortunate Kate Middleton.

Now I am only a Cat, yes a clever one, but still a Cat and I think that before banning this Kate Middleton I would think that Facebook should have had a look at this Kate Middleton’s pictures, read her bio, or even contacted her to establish that she was a real Kate Middleton before denying her access to her account if they had had the courtesy to do that they would have realised that this Kate Middleton was who she said she was.

There is of course a hint there if Facebook needed one – the real Kate Middleton doesn’t have any pictures of her standing next to a balding British prince and his dreadful family in exotic locations, shooting things and doing all of the action-girl/boy stuff that you can do when you are living in sin with a rich playboy.

Not only that, the real Kate Middleton not only had a Facebook page but she also has a boyfriend all of her own – his name is ‘Jonathan Ross.’ Mr. Ross has a Facebook page all of his own. The irony is that Jonathan Ross is also the name of a reasonably famous British television presenter and by all rights – well Facebook’s rights that is – Kate Midddleton’s boyfriend Jonathan Ross should have his account suspended for impersonation as well shouldn’t he?

Of course there is worse to come from the idiots at Facebook who, despite repeated attempts from the real Kate Middleton to have her account reinstated, have ignored her communication. All of which is really rather galling when you consider that Kate has pictures of her nephew on Facebook who is growing up, and all of her contacts, some of those she hasn’t seen for 15 years since she was at school.

Just in case you are like Facebook – terminally confused – here are two pictures of Kates – the top one is a real Kate and guess what, so is the bottom one, she is just another Kate Middleton!

The Real Kate Middleton.png

The Real Kate Middleton

Another Kate Middleton.png

Another Kate Middleton

Of course this is just a tea cup with a storm raging in it, but if you think about it for a moment there are some really worrying issues here:

The first is that Facebook is acting as a self appointed censor on behalf of the British royal family who do a lot of dreadful things and expect far too much from an ungrateful nation, but even that bunch of ego maniacs probably wouldn’t ask Facebook to do a ‘King Herod’ act and get rid of all of the ‘other’ Kate Middletons in the world just because one was about to realise a little girl’s dream and become a princess.

The second issue is just plain worrying. Facebook do not allow you to communicate with them – they just ignore you and that is because they are too busy with the other five hundred and ninety nine million, nine hundred and ninety nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety nine other users! Let’s face it, no system can cope with 600 million users personally and of course Facebook don’t actually care about you, all they want you to do is to click on ads just like Google.com and make them even more cash.

The Third and probably most important issue here is this – there is a move from companies such as Google.com, Apple.com and Microsoft.com, who are all entirely capable of making terrible miscalculations of judgement about the real world, to get you and I to use something called ‘Cloud Computing’ where you entrust these idiots with all of your computer ‘stuff’ and they house it in a ‘cloud’ on their computers to keep it safe and save you the stress of having it all on your own perfectly good computer.

The aforementioned ‘stuff’ of course can be anything, personal information, financial information, your treasured electronic pictures – I am sure that you are getting the idea here.

So what happens if in the future these idiots do a Facebook and say that you are an impostor and deny you access to your ‘stuff’ what are you going to do? Nothing is the answer, you and I are powerless against these fools so do the only thing you can and don’t trust these berks in the first place and of course ignore the royal wedding in April the people involved are just a lot of expensive attention seekers who mistakenly believe that they do the UK some good – they like Facebook.com are so very wrong!

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Dec 152009
 
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Hello to all of my wonderfully good looking readers from your humble servant The Cat.

I was so very pleased and frankly incredibly touched to hear that you wanted to know what I would like for Christmas. Of course I know that the question is one that is asked of a lot of very famous people and quite rightly we are a very important bunch with mostly fascinating opinions.

Looking down the list of people who have already filled in what they most desire for Christmas was a humbling experience I can tell you and before I let you in on my entry I thought I would share with you some of the hopes and aspirations of some very famous people indeed.

Most of the Politicians at the Copenhagen Climate Conference – want a cleaner, fairer, safer world.

President Obama – wants world peace. Presumably to match his Nobel Prize.

President Putin – wants to reduce nuclear arms.

President Sarkozy – wants to end hunger.

Nelson Mandela – wants to end injustice.

The Pope – wants stop premature infant death.

Elton John – wants more to be done to fight HIV/Aids

Mohammed Ali – wants more understanding between different races.

Prince William of England – wants a nice shiny Aston Martin like his Dad’s!

Aston-Martin-Vanquish.png

It makes you proud that we have such altruistic celebrities and elected representatives. Not one of the ones who have earned their status were as selfish as they are often made out to be.

All of which brings me onto what I would like for Christmas.

The Cat – wants an end to hunting, shooting and fishing for amusement.

I do wish my readers a very Cool Yule and a Happy Christmas and remember if you need any present ideas you still have time to buy my book from Amazon.com it really is very good and that is because I am an inordinately good looking and talented Cat.

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Dec 062009
 
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In conjunction with the announcement from Her Majesty the Queen and indeed prompted to some extent by her stand on the paparazzi taking pictures of her and her family in what she describes as ‘private moments’ I feel that I have to make a stand against some of the gutter press’s most recent outrages.

A ‘private moment’ of mine was splashed all over the press recently by the paparazzi, it was awful, embarrassing and the picture was frankly very unflattering! Surely just because I am famous it doesn’t give anyone the right to take paparazzi pictures of me in my litter tray does it? And I am sure that the Queen would be the first to agree with me!

Having said that I am not like Prince Willie, and that nice little mousey Katie Middleton person, worried about the paparazzi taking pictures of me out shooting small furry animals with my Dad and Step Mother and that is because obviously being a small furry animal I have a ‘thing’ against shooting them in the first place!

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