Oct 222012
 

As a lot of my dear cuddly readers know I went to Siberia recently looking for some of the biggest Cats on the planet.

And to cut a long story short. I failed to find more than a paw print of the amazing Siberian Tiger despite spending an enormous amount of time and my own (if you ever did) cash on guides, helicopters and the like.

In my defence the range of the Siberian Tiger is vast all the way from Korean demarcation line (possibly) to to the very coldest bits of Russia and if you look at a map you’ll see that is a vast tract of land.

Mind you even though the area that Siberian Tigers ‘could’ be found in is enormous and the sad fact is that they maybe extinct.

Not so long ago there were only a few hundred of them left but I was lucky I did know (more or less) where to look for them and you will understand that is why I am not posting any photographs of the place we were looking in because as you will know if you read my twitter feed the Chinese want all sorts of ‘bits’ of the poor old Siberian Tiger to make them more vigorous or grow or something like that, silly little sods.

Siberian Tiger

However I will be saving up the proceeds from the sales of my books again and plan to go to Siberia next year around this time, hoping that we get a dry spell like we did this year before the temperature drops as far as Mr Obama’s jaw will if they tell him Mr Romney was elected Pres., to have another look, so do buy loads of my books so that I can afford to spend longer there, in what again will be a rather uncomfortable Mosquito back of beyond.

But honestly I don’t care about the lack of baths, the Mosquito bites or the other many hardships I want to discover if my biggest relation and the largest Cat to grace the planet has been completely killed off by poachers working for Chinese billionaires, don’t you?

All of which means that I am a bit short of photographs for this blog, but as I am a resourceful Cat I am not short of ideas and I thought that my dear cuddly readers would like to get a glimpse of life inside Russia’s third largest city.

I promise that I didn’t go to what are the poorest parts of Novosibirsk and I didn’t deliberately pick out the sort of images that charities use to drum up cash. I just went around the area close to the airport and took a peek into Putin’s Russia and frankly the ‘Put’ should be ashamed of himself.

These cheerful (in the main) people have a very hard life, they swelter uncomfortably in the summer and more than freeze in the winter, they pay a small fortune to live in Communist built flats that are tumbling around their ears and hardly keep the cold out and yet they survive. Which is a surprise to me because they can’t afford healthcare and consequently unlike any other country on the European continent their life expectancy under Putin and his cronies has fallen dramatically while of course the billionaires get richer and buy another yacht!

I met a family, just ordinary people really and had a long chat with them, the Dad has been out of work for two years, the Mum is in remission from cancer and now supports the family by working 12 hour shifts six days a week, the son had a blood transfusion a decade or so ago before they checked for hepatitis C when giving blood transfusions so… well you can guess and their granddaughter has Kidney failure and has a Molluscum contagiosum on her head.

Molluscum contagiosum is a viral infection of the skin which affects children and adults, sometimes they call it water warts and is a disease that is rapidly spreading across Russia. No one seems to know why or care though, my bet is pollution.

As these people told me of their troubles, trials and health problems they didn’t expect me to do anything, drop some cash in a box or whatever they were just being matter of fact, like ordinary people everywhere!

Now isn’t that something we should think more deeply about? Take any country in the world and the rich are getting richer and the poor, and these days middle class, are getting the rough end of the deal, what on earth are you humans up to? Beats a clever Cat I can tell you.

Still enough of wondering! Here are some pictures of normal life in Novosibirsk and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone!

Folks waiting for a bus, sadly I couldn’t ‘get’ the bundle of toilet rolls being carried by the old couple at the back clearly, which is a shame because you dear cuddly readers with soft sentiments and toilet paper would have been amazed at what ‘they’ use! I was!

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The most modern bus I saw in the whole place.

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A tram. The youngest trams are 50 years old and they bounce! That is no exaggeration, I promise, they bounce on their tracks which don’t seem nailed down (or whatever you do with tram tracks) very securely.

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The Mall! Need a hunk of cow, chicken or pork or even a pig’s head? Yes! Well this is the place to shop.

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Fresh food Novosibirsk Grouse (I think) Chicken or Rabbit for you madam?

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These Rabbits belong in a pet shop don’t they? Well not in Novosibirsk they don’t!

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Fresh vegetables covered with goodness knows what pollutants and contaminations from one of the dirtiest countries on the planet which seems to have no environmental laws at all.IMG 0662

Off the back of a lorry! An old lady buying meat.

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One of the newest buildings in Novosibirsk, a church, now I am not against churches in anyway whatsoever! BUT do these people need a CHURCH? I think a free medical centre would have been a better way to spend the money don’t you? Or am I the only Cat in the world who thinks like that?

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The foreground isn’t a car park it’s a scrapyard or bus depot! I couldn’t really tell, but even the poshest and most pointless new building in Novosibirsk is surrounded by ruin, mind you I like the glittery bits, shame the white paint on all of the big arches is peeling off before they lay the footpaths up to the front doors isn’t it!



About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Jun 222012
 

There has been talk recently that Comrade Putin is, even at this early stage in his dictatorship, planning for his retirement and investigating the possibilities of launching his own brand of Vodka.

Comrade Putin

I would like to here and now put the record straight on this and tell you what he told me in a slurred telephone conversation recently. He “is not thinking just yet about anything but running Russia.” So I suppose you could say he was “Putin it off!”

Putinoff Vodka

I am, I have to say not convinced and if you happen to live in Europe check out the supermarket shelves of Lidl and tell me that this is not a clever bit of trial marketing!

PS.

Sorry about the old photo Vlad, but doesn’t it remind you of the old days?



About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Mar 062012
 

If you ever go to Tallinn in Estonia you are going to be in for a really treat; if you like old, clean, uncrowded cities with lots of bars, cafés, friendly locals and places to see and it is as pretty in the Winter (picture below) as it is in the Summer (the picture of which you will have to look at on line – what do you think this is? A tourist information site? I think not!).

Tallinn

It’s easy to get around in Estonia too if you want to visit not only cities in Estonia but also Russia if you feel brave enough to venture into Putinistan there are direct train routes to Moscow and a new one to St Petersburg the place that has to own up to being the birthplace of the great Put the Election Rigger.

There is only one small problem with train travel in Estonia and that is that it is very likely that you will get misled by the timetable, it isn’t deliberate you understand it is just a national custom!

Train Timetable From The Tallin Bureau Of Disinformation



About the Author – The Cat who writes blogs!

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Dec 122011
 

Ok I know that I have been “out of the loop,” as they say for a short while. I am sure that you have noticed that your favourite Cat who writes blogs and more has been missing from the internet, not making a single Tweet on Twitter.com and unable to perform even the most basic computerised chore – but I have a great excuse.

To write my masterpieces of Feline Literature, compose wonderful award winning blogs and generally get in most people’s way electronically, I use an Apple Computer, I have used one for years, but I don’t want all of my wonderful cuddly readers to think that I am a computer bore on top of all of the other subjects which I can, and do, bore them with, so I won’t go into just how long I have been a Apple user or at the heartbreak caused by being left out of Steve Jobs Biography completely! But that is another story for another blog I fear.

Right now I want to tell you of the awful problem that I have spent the weekend trying to resolve with my Computer Boffins here at Cat World HQ.

Trying not to sound too dramatic (of course and failing) all I can say is that I have been attacked by a Lion.

The Lion took the form of a so called ‘operating system.’ In fact I spent most of the weekend trying to fix all sorts of madness and confusion that installing Mac OSX Lion caused.

From watching my mouse pointer go backwards to my zippy computer being reduced to the pace of Dave the Cat on a stroll – I probably have to explain here that Dave the Cat hates walking, and even strolling for that matter, I personally think it has a lot to do with the bobble hat, it covers his eyes as you will know if you are a regular reader and if you aren’t I’m not going to help you here, you’ll just delve into my archives and find out the connection for yourself. It’s enough to say that I think I have seen twigs walk faster than Dave the Cat if you ever a manage to trick him into a walk.

Lion OS X

There are loads of problems, as I discovered, with Mac OSX Lion and they are all to disappointing and frustrating to mention here frankly, but I will say this I used to love Apple…

Still I think I have managed to sort out most of the problems with the help of my light-fingered boffins – not they aren’t that clever with their hands to be called ‘light-fingered’ the description comes from their habit of pocketing all of my nice little screwdrivers, pens and pencils, still what can you do? As I explain in the book I am writing at the moment which has the working title of ‘The Cat’s Memoir’ (so that you know who wrote it) getting ‘help’ that is useful is practically impossible.

Still to cut a story that seems to be getting longer short when I finished downloading Mac OSX Lion it was very unstable now it is just simply terrible.

I can’t think where I went wrong with Mac OSX Lion! Like an sensible computer user of long standing I am not an early adopter I let other fools rush in and watch their tears at leisure.

Unfortunately I needed to upgrade from the wonderfully cool Snow Leopard to Lion because I wanted to be part of the iPhone,iPod, iPad ‘app’ development process for an ‘app’ that the boffins and I have decided you my dear cuddly readers need and so I had to upgrade to Mac OSX Lion so that I could use the latest app development software.

Mistakenly, but confidently (at the time), I thought that as Lion was on its 10.7.2 incarnation it would be “a-okay” as they say when things are um ‘ok’ I suppose.

Grudingly I paid my real hard earned folding stuff to get a virtual product and like you, I am sure, felt cheated from the moment I watched with a tear rolling down my furry cheek the sum disappear from my bank account electronically, it’s amazing just how that happens, if we tried getting cash in the same way at night I bet we’d fail.

Lion OSX 10.7.2 arrived and I have to say, at the time, I was excited I have rather enjoyed the ‘Cat’ series of Apple Operating Systems and still get excited at the tantalising prospect that the final and ultimate incarnation of this (till now) amazing product could be ‘The Cat OSX’ with a picture of you know who on the box, cover or downloading badge.

Apple New Logo

Isn’t that picture wonderful? I think so and I am confident that with the final Cat representing the Mac OSX being me The Cat, Apple will go from a company doing quite well to one that is unbelievably successful, but sadly I think we are digressing here, my time like Apple’s will come.

Lion arrived and what can I say? Maybe it should have arrived with a notice like this one from San Diego Zoo……….

Californian Lions Don t Like to be climbed on

Actually I have to say that Mac OSX Lion arrived reasonably quickly thanks to the Czech republic considering that fast broadband was something that would not only prove to be ‘handy’ for everyone but also would help business.

Unlike some backward countries like oh say for instance Cameronland, the island that is now totally isolated from Europe and soon to be free from Scotland and Ireland with any luck but not if the Chief can help it which of course means that it will happen very soon now.

Isn’t it odd that the Chief of Cameronland wants to stick with the ‘Micks’ and the ‘Jocks’ and have nothing to do with the other “Johnny foreigners” in Europe as I believe he calls them.

Still I suppose you can’t moan too much about idiots like the Chief of Cameronland who at least has been elected fairly. Unlike the Gremlin in The Kremlin who at long last has been seen for what he is by the Russian People – I am taking bets that ‘Putin the Bootin’ will be the next thing the hamfisted government will do in ‘free’ Russia, then there will be a ‘Moscow Winter’ followed by a ‘Russian Spring’ and he will be out of the game completely by the ‘Russian Federation Fall.’

Oops did I say we were veering off the point – sorry we have done that again but there is so much going on and without a computer that was working properly thanks to Mac OSX Lion I haven’t been able to see any news, talk to anyone and do all of the rest of the stuff that you expect to be able to do these days.

So here at long last is a nice picture of my Christmas Lights which I managed to put up on my www.wickedlywonderfulwebsite www.thecatsdiary.com at long last. So that it could complement the snow that I mentioned in this blog – blog.thecatsdiary.com/2011/11/27/snow-comes-to-my-website-blog.

Now if only I could get the snow to work on my home page once again I would be a happy Cat, but I probably won’t be happy until ! am free from a certain Lion which seems to have its paw on my head all the time!

Christmas Lights

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Nov 252011
 

Here is a big tip from a little financial genius ‘The Cat’ on Black Friday. Whatever you buy today and of course I hope it is at least a dozen of each of my books, do spend any Euros you have because it looks like the whole thing is going to come crashing down in flames and odd bits of nasty around the ears of the Germans and French leaving a sort of garlicky sausage smell in its wake.

Flaming Euro

And when the Euro balloon pop finally does go pop do you really think that there will be a lot of sour krauts around? Well the honest answer is no! Most of the Germans led by a shadowy ex-East German, who is only know by the code name Angela Merkel, want their beloved Deutsche Mark back as soon as possible and nothing whatever to do with the over sexed latin nations led by the folies at the Palais Bourbon, by the Seine.

I suppose you would like to know just how this clever Cat got all of the latest information, well it’s simple! Who notices a Cat as it slinks around the furniture even in the places and palaces of power, the answer is of course no one!

Just think of all of the information I collect as I wander the halls of power and fame, to say nothing of the things I see, here is a classic example of what I mean, a pushy German poking a pretend Russian muscleman who just after this picture was taken burst into tears complaining that “она была запугивание его, и что не было разрешено, потому что он крутой парень” or in English “she was bullying him and that was not allowed because he was a tough guy!” tee hee.

Putin Merkel The Cat

You would be surprised with what I have seen and heard and I have to say so am I! So if you want the inside track on world events then keep reading my blog, later I am off to an Hotel just off Rodeo Drive to keep an eye on an unmarried young member of the royal family and a junior officer in the British Army to see if he can not only keep it real but clean, although on past performances I doubt if he can do either!

Harrytitsthumb1

That is right prince harry we are watching you and of course all of the other Troggs of course!

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Apr 012010
 
pg-16-collider-circ_344432s.jpg

In England we have a sense of humour which is rather funny but not understood completely by the rest of the world, and of course in this case I mean England and not the other bits that are tagged on to the end of England where they don’t have a sense of humour (examples Billy Connolly, Bono, Gerry Adams).

Our sense of humour even extends to making one day special, well half a day actually as I will explain.

Today is that special day, April the first and on April 1st we can tell funny, tall stories until noon and anyone who believes them is an ‘April Fool’ but anyone who tells an April Fools joke after noon is an ‘April Fool’ themselves.

There is a tradition to have an April Fools day (usually on April 1st) in most countries and so you probably know what I am talking about, which makes a nice change!

Anyway I don’t know if April Fools jokes in other countries extend to the ‘media’ as they do in England and even if they do I still wanted to share this story from the Independent with you all, not only for the nonsense article itself which I think is funny, but also for the wonderful comments that the general public have added to the article.

So here is the article!

Hadron Collider II planned for circle line

I am sure that you will enjoy it for the nonsense it is and please do have a look at the comments if you get time some are as funny as the article itself.

I won’t spoil it by telling you what the article says, except to say that the mad scientists at the Cern laboratory are ‘reported’ saying that the 23km Tunnel which currently serves the London Underground’s Circle Line could house a successor to the Large Hadron Collider and if building work started soon it would be ready by 2020, tee hee.

Few people know the origins of April Fools day and so I thought this clever Cat would shed a little light on it for you!

In the 9th Century the Church in England wanted to take control of running the country and after putting their case to one of the madder of the current Queen of England’s relatives Edward 1st the Confessor both parties struck a deal to take over the administration of England and more importantly the collection of taxes.

The deal was a surprisingly good one for both parties, the Monarch for the first time had a marvellous network of administrators who administered laws and collected taxes efficiently and he didn’t have to lift a finger to do anything and the Church skimmed enough of the top to build Cathedrals, and become the second richest institution in England.

The arrangement was announced on April 1st in the year 878, the news took almost 11 months to travel the length and breath of England but that time scale was nothing in comparison to the length of time it took for the ruling class to adopt the new legislation and that is because no one with any sense could believe what had happened and thought that the whole thing was some sort of terrible not funny joke.

For this reason it took years for the country to completely come to terms with the new Church administration and adopt it fully because everyone believed that the demented King wasn’t serious.

So that is the reason why April 1st became known as the day to tell ‘tall’ stories although of course the first one wasn’t either ‘tall’ or funny and England suffered from the Church’s mis-administration, corruption and embezzlement for centuries.

Sort of reminds you of Putin’s Russia doesn’t it? With the Church’s part being played by the oligarchs this time. Anyway England became so desperately weak and discontented that it was easily conquered in 1066 by the Normans or the French if you like and the English don’t like so we call the French the Normans.

After Willy the Conk’s successful invasion, some say with the help of the Church who thought that they would get a better deal from the French, the Church managed to do a deal with the new King and so continued to collect taxes for hundreds of years thereby managing to keep their fingers in the England’s till for centuries.

Bayeux Tapestry.jpg

I hope that you have a very happy April Fools day.

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