Tag Archives: Queen Victoria

It Was Snowing!

Koyla In a Tree.png

Today I got up just like any other normal day, hopped out of the bedroom window and into the very tall Pine tree outside. A devastatingly dangerous maneuver which I accomplish every day with not only elegance but also bravery and most of all style.

Outside it had started to rain and the Pine needles were giving off a sort of ‘Badedas’ aroma which if you happen to know what ‘Badedas’ actually is will tell you that I paused for a little while to enjoy the Pine Freshness while I got lightly soaked, but it was worth getting wet just to breath in the aroma.

After I had wriggled and squirmed my way down the centre of the tree, in a sort of worm like ‘on your belly like action’ I stepped out onto the grass which was wet and really very cold, actually I think that was when I noticed that the rain was very cold and to be honest it wasn’t really rain anymore it was sleet. I have always thought that sleet was nasty and insidious stuff which creeps into you fur and makes even a warm cuddly Cat feel cold.

To shelter from the sleet and try to stay warm I hopped, skipped and jumped under the cover of some beautiful white Chrysanthemums and started to – err well how can I put it? I did what I do every morning and night and sometimes at midday depending upon how the fancy takes me and my um, err ‘needs.’

No! You still haven’t worked out what I was doing? Humans! I was going to the toilet of course! Cats prefer an outdoor convenience whenever possible and so would you if you had to scrape around in a litter tray and although I don’t like plugging my wonderful book “Getting Out Excerpts From A Cats Diary” the Cat being me of course – you can read all about litter trays in it and if the fancy takes you buy it here Amazon.com and if you don’t want to feed a giant multinational you can always feed a really good looking Cat and get a copy from my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com.

So I was doing my ‘business’ as my Mum used to call it – she didn’t actually she was far to mock posh for that, but it is a great euphemism don’t you think? Then the sleet turned to snow right there in front of my eyes, now wonder the rain had been so cold nature was working herself up into a frosty frenzy!

I can tell you that I very quickly did a cover up that most politicians would envy, and made a snowy dash for the Pine tree and the warmth of my bedroom.

Have I mentioned my translator John Woodcock I do quite often in my wonderful book (see above) he is not the most exceptional member of the human race and when you humans actually finish your ‘race’ I expect him to be very close to the back. Like most marathon runners these days he will get a medal because have you noticed any idiot who can stumble across any ‘open’ charity marathon after 12 or so hours still ‘wins’ something! Only humans could do that because everyone has to be a winner – you are all quite mad.

Oops I interrupted myself didn’t I! Where was I – oh yes my translator, mmh guess what my ‘gifted’ translator did today, just to annoy me I think? He closed the window, yes of course it was the window I had so elegantly, stylishly and bravely leapt from only minutes before and indeed the window I use up to three times a day unless I have ‘eaten something’ if you know what I mean and have to use it more regularly and in a hurry.

Me? Oh you’re concerned. You want to know what happened next and in particular to ‘me’ – you are so kind and of course the best sort of humans – my cuddly fans. I bumped my cold nose on the close icy unforgiving glass that is what happened to ‘me!’

Then I sat on the very cold and extremely wet windowsill and got annoyed. When that didn’t work I pawed at the window in frustration and when that failed I cried as pitifully as I could! You must know that sound it’s the stock and trade of any trapped, bored or playful Cat, the “I’m stuck up a tree sound.”

It’s brilliant and works every time, usually a fire engine will turn up and I had great expectations for that very occurrence, passers by were stopping and pointing into the sky and ‘windoward’ (if that is a word).

Unfortunately, because I like a scene, the fire brigade or Hasiči as the fire brigade are called here in the Czech Republic didn’t attend this Cat emergency because the idiot translator heard the very loud cries of the Cat on the windowsill – namely me of course. The noise may have broken some windows somewhere and caused nightmares in little children but in my defence I believe that the volume of the screams was merely proportional to the emergency.

The window opened (though I noticed not very wide, obviously to not let in the cold and snow hrrumph!) and I scampered in making as much noise as I could while running over the bed covers, polished desk and scatter rugs, then with a flourish to finish the polished hardwood floor. It is astonishing just how much mud one can collect on four paws and then distribute liberally around someone’s home if ‘one’ is very annoyed.

As usual in these circumstances there were some benefits on the fringe and quite right too I say – I was given a bowl full to the brim of fresh Prawns which was nice, but I expect more this afternoon and some Tuna would help to salve my dented pride for supper and if it isn’t too much trouble to ask i would be delighted if the window was left open while I am outside taking my ‘constitutional’ as Gladstone or Queen Victoria probably called ‘it.’

There is one thing that you may be able to help me with dear reader because this question has always bugged the paws off me because I just can’t seem to find the answer and you all know that I am a genius which of course makes all of this even more frustrating – who is Christmas Carol and why is she so famous at Christmas, and what on earth does she do for the other 48 weeks of the year?

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Frenchman Imprisoned For Sending A Joke Email

Now I have to first of all put my paw up and declare that like 99.999% of the entire population on the planet (well the cognisant ones anyway) I don’t like the French over much, no that isn’t true I don’t like the French at all – until now that is, so what has changed my opinion? Well it was hearing of the plight of one brave and funny Frenchman that did it.

Unfortunately because of French law I can’t tell you the name of this plucky Parisian because French law doesn’t allow it but I can tell you his age – he is 40 years of age – and frankly that is of no importance what so ever but then that is probably why French law allows me to tell you – the law of a country always reflects the nature of the people – French law is anal, British law is snobbish and American law is expensive.

So what can I tell you about this poor cheerful chap who finds himself in chokey (a British slang word for prison derived from the Anglo-Indian Hindi word caukī which actually means a shed), mmmh I have meandered off the subject, sorry, regulars readers and fans understand this, indeed according to some of the reviews of my wonderful book “Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary” it is a “charming facet of a delightful book.” happily you can get it here at Amazon.com for a very small consideration if you haven’t bought it already and be delighted for yourself.

Oops there I go again anyway here is the background to this story and a demonstration of ‘Frenchness’ at its most ‘French’ if you see what I mean.

Last week Rachida Dati, the former Justice Minister in the French Government who is an MEP at the European Parliament in Strasbourg appeared on a French national radio station and confused the words “fellatio” and “inflation” – which sound similar in the rather silly French language, though of course the slip could have been ‘Freudian’ something that no one – until now – seems to have mentioned.

Anyway you can imagine the hue of poor Ms. Dati cheeks and the short period of embarrassment that she must have suffered, but the world didn’t collapse as a result of her ‘slip of the tongue’ if I can use that phrase when talking about ‘fellatio’ and not get put into prison, but some bright (unnamed) spark decided to send Ms. Datia an email asking for a little or a lot (I am not sure exactly how much) ‘inflation.’

Rachida-Dati the consequences of a joke.jpg

As you can see from the picture Rachida Dati probably rarely laughs though it is understood that she did laugh the incident off at the time but Ms. Datia obviously takes herself very seriously and was as Queen Victoria once was “not amused” when the email arrived.

Ms. Dati was so not amused that she had the police trace the sender through his IP address and then raid his home seize his computer and remand him in custody for 48 hours. It probably helps being the ex-Jusitce Minister here don’t you think?

After being kept in a cell the unfortunate joker was placed on bail and ordered to appear in court on December 3rd charged with displaying contempt towards a public servant, an offence which is so serious that it is punishable with a prison sentence of up to a month and a 10,000 Euros ($14,500) fine.

Of course I will let you know what happens to the poor joker – as it happens, because this is worrying isn’t it? If displaying contempt towards a public servant is a crime then we are all guilty because let’s face it politicians, the police, Kings, Princes, Princesses, Queens, Presidents and so on are all public servants, to say nothing of all of the public servants and we all have at some stage called them at the very least “idiots” and that of course means we are all criminals at least in the eyes of French law, oh sh** – now look at that my * key is working now and I didn’t have to type ‘shit’ for a change. But really the French are a bunch of w**kers aren’t they especially the public servants it would seem – tee hee see you in a French jail soon!

Just so that you know the french for ‘inflation’ is ‘l’inflation’ and the french for ‘fellatio’ is, strictly speaking, ‘fellation’ but then if you were to translate ‘blow job’ into french it would be ‘fellation’ as well so I am guessing that Ms. Dati use a slang word – oh how dirty!

I could speculate what word Hugh Grant might use while parked up in a Parisian back street but I am too nice for that and when my movie comes out it will be animated and has to have a ‘universal’ certificate so I won’t do that.

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