Oct 282013
 

I saw this hose in a DIY store in Russia and was so tempted to get it, but I resisted because I just didn’t know if I would ever found a use for it!

For the insane Russia

Baffling isn’t it?

I love the word ‘baffling’ don’t you?


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

I would like to tell you all about something new and rather nice that you can get from the Apple iBooks store, no not ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book you have been able to get that for ages, no something else rather wonderful. You can get John Woodcock’s brilliantly illustrated book the first in the series called ‘The Trams of Prague’

This heavily illustrated books created especially for iPads, Pods and Phones called Tram No 6 is the Naughtiest of Trams and it looks amazing.

If you would like to get this exceptional book the easy way, just click on this link:
Trams of Prague – Tram No6 is the Naughtiest of Trams


Don’t forget dear cuddly readers one and all that my translator’s heavily illustrated book has just been made available at the iBookstore or iTunes – what was it with Steve Jobs and all of the ‘i’s’?

To get whizzed straight to the store whatever it’s called just click on the picture of the cover of that wonderful book below.

Trams of Prague ePub Cover 2 1 13 225x225 75

Jan 052013
 

Of course this is China and of course the sign is going to be monumentally stupid but please what does this all mean! This really takes the fortune cookie doesn’t it?

Using stairs has never been so complicated

This sign raises some serious questions in particular about the mental health of the Chinese at large, and they are at large aren’t they? That is worrying and while you worry about that do read the questions.

How do you not move on a staircase?

Who is the “keeper” charged with looking after the old folks and children, where is he?

What is “bestriding?”

Have you ever see a bicycle put in a staircase?

Then there is the question of allowing your “tartness” to “be protruded out of the staircase.” All I have to say on that is WHAT!

I have never heard such nonsense in all my life and I have dealt with Rossiya the state owned domestic airline of Russia! But that is another matter.


Don’t miss my Kickstarter Project

For a limited time only, as they say, you can help with what has been described as the best Kickstarter project ever, namely The Cat’s 3D Animated Movie Project.

Yes that’s right if you click here MY KICKSTARTER PROJECT you can help yourself to a piece of what will be movie history. I’m making a trailer for my up coming movie and I really need your help! Give as much as you like for wonderful and valuable rewards.

Sadly we live in a suspicious world so if you send this link to a friend you might like to use this one to show that there isn’t any funny business involved, there never is on my blog or site but then only you and I know that don’t we!

They can paste it into their browser and go straight to my 3D animated movie project page on Kickstarter.


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Dec 272012
 

Here is a useful public information sign slapped up on the wall of a public toilet in Beijing by the ‘Food and Environmental Hygiene Department.

Is that disturbed by the sign the filth or something else

The only question I have about this sign is are they asking if you have been disturbed by the sign, the filth or something else? And where has that toilet roll been?

Which reminds me have you been to the toilet in Russia, in the old days there was never any toilet paper because the Communists used to use all of the toilet paper for… well no one knows quite what for but there wasn’t any. Nowadays if you need toilet paper (which is an odd grey colour) you have to collect it as you go in to the stall from a dispenser in the first room you enter.

Which just goes to demonstrate how ‘The Put’ and his government of Oligarchist yes men are modernising Russia doesn’t it?


Don’t miss my Kickstarter Project

For a limited time only, as they say, you can help with what has been described as the best Kickstarter project ever, namely The Cat’s 3D Animated Movie Project.

Yes that’s right if you click here MY KICKSTARTER PROJECT you can help yourself to a piece of what will be movie history. I’m making a trailer for my up coming movie and I really need your help! Give as much as you like for wonderful and valuable rewards.

Sadly we live in a suspicious world so if you send this link to a friend you might like to use this one to show that there isn’t any funny business involved, there never is on my blog or site but then only you and I know that don’t we!

They can paste it into their browser and go straight to my 3D animated movie project page on Kickstarter.


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Jul 202012
 

Today, July 20, 1969, America achieved something amazing, astronaut Neil Armstrong became the first man to walk on the surface of the Moon. And below is a marvellous photograph of his footprint in the lunar dust.

Neil Amrstrong Foot Print

So much for all of the idiots who say that this monumental event was staged!

Buzz Aldrin photographed by Neil Armstrong 20 July 1969

Sadly as far as this Cat is aware, neither the people who came up with the peculiar idea that the lunar landing was a hoax or just a publicity stunt, nor the daft people who have blindly repeated this nonsense over the years have achieved anything on this day July 20th or indeed at any day in the past.

Of course before any humans ever went into space animals had been there already. There is no truth in the rumour that any of these animal pioneers from the very beginning of spaceflight there volunteers. On the contrary animals had no choice in the matter whatsoever they were simply bundled up and tied down in the cockpits of various rockets destined for the heavens.

The first animal in space was a rhesus monkey called Albert I, he was blasted off from White Sands, New Mexico on June 11, 1948, in a V-2 Blossom rocket. Of course if you look at the V-2 Blossom rocket closely, you’ll note that it is actually the same as the ones used to ‘bomb’ London towards the end of the war.

Albert II V2 launch

Now I am not suggesting that these were exactly the same rockets that made such an impact on London or that the ones that hit London were a result of what is called ‘friendly fire.’ But I am suggesting that the Nazi technology which vanished from Germany at the end of the war turned up in New Mexico along with the scientists who had planned to use these V-2 rockets to completely re-arrange the landscape of London!

For those of you who like Cats, the nicest people in the world as far as I am concerned, I thought I would mention that the first Cat to be launched into space, very much against his will, was called Felix. Felix made a brief but successful flight on October 18, 1963 and Felix happily was landed successfully after a parachute descent.

Felix

Sadly the rocket which was carrying the second Cat to be launched into space by the French, just six days, later ran into difficulties that prevented recovery. No one knows what happened to the Cat sadly.

All wasn’t so bad for the SpaceCats though because the French government had quite a few Cats in intensive training for possible space flight in 1963. Unfortunately ten had to sacked or as the French government put it ‘decommissioned’ the official reason rather embarrassing is that under the strict training regime the Cats put on too much weight to be able to fit into the spacecraft. I have to say that I admire those ten almost as much as Felix don’t you?

This episode also reinforces the idea that the Cats used in the french space programme were starts from the streets of Paris and if they were I am sure they made the most of their good fortune.


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Jul 192012
 

While I was away or possibly asleep the Chinese have been beavering away building space rockets and even a space station. It goes without saying that they have given their space craft silly names like the “Long March” and probably “Mao’s Delight” but amazingly considering how badly they make products for western consumption their rockets are achieving low Earth Orbit.

Of course we shouldn’t encourage the Chinese by congratulating them because they might get carried away attempt to do something spectacular and actually relevant in space and not just copy the Russian and the Americans achievements from the 60’s and 70’s then over reach their abilities, which we all know are desperately limited you only have to open a newly purchased box of some electronic something or other to know that!

Still you have to hand it to the Chinese they are sending their Sinonauts, as they call their Astronauts, into space quite regularly and under their own power unlike the Americans sadly, but then that has more to do with the cash they have earned from the west than any other reason I suppose.

All of which brings me on nicely to a picture I saw, and was touched by, this week. It’s of three brave members of the party and army (of course) one of whom had not only to be qualified and fit enough to get fired into space but also to had to be married and had a baby (guess which one). Surely these requirements are a little odd for anyone wanting to go into space aren’t they well that is what I thought.

The picture that caught my attention was of the brave trio, one of whom was married and had had a baby, saluting, I don’t actually know who or possibly what they were saluting but that is not important. What I thought was important and rather touching was that the three, as you can plainly see, were allowed to take their Cats into space, safely housed in their Cat carriers for the journey.

I think that the Chinese authorities have been rather nice in allowing their Sinonauts to do that and in addition I think that it is such a wonderful co-incidence that all of the Sinonauts on this mission to nowhere own Cats, although the Cat carrier of the lady Sinonaut might be adapted to carry the baby that she had to have had to qualify for the journey mighten it!

Sinonauts and their Cats


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Mar 152012
 

I saw these pictures of the Moon, Jupiter and Venus online (unlike the real thing sadly) and thought I would share them with you my dear cuddly readers.

They clearly show that we live in a wonderful Universe which when we start to get to know it will be an exciting and magical place with endless surprises and opportunities.

Venus and Jupiter

Moon venus jupiter

What a shame then after thinking of all of that ‘higher’ stuff that I read in the newspapers that Russia wants to send a man or two to the Moon, not to explore, consider the wonder of the view like the first men on the Moon, but to dig it up for rare earths and collect something called Helium 3 which is apparently very very rare and so worth a big fortune.

I suppose that the next ‘Put’ as they will no doubt call future Tsars will then want to hold the rest of the world to ransom by limiting supply of this stuff like they do to Europe at the moment with their natural gas, just like the Arabs do with their oil and the Chinese do with their rare earths.

It is such a shame that the marvellous Cosmos is regarded by most humans as a place where they can go eventually to dig it up and make the same mess of the Universe as they have made of the home planet. What say us Cats rise up and do something about this. Oh look a plate of Prawns and someone has puffed up my pillow – maybe I can start the revolution tomorrow!


About the Author – The Cat who writes blogs!

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Sep 272011
 

Although Russia and in particular Moscow is a tamer, more civilized place when compared to twenty years ago it’s a wild and dangerous place compared to America or England which have their moments of course.

But in either America or England you won’t find any personal physical threats in advertising, especially food advertising. The dreadful ‘love story’ coffee commercials on both side of the Atlantic come to mind here.

No one in New York or London is going to grab you by the collar and tell you to explore the taste of America or England – that as you can see from the shop window advert below is not the case in Moscow.

Explore The Taste Of Russia  Or Else She ll Get You

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Mar 022011
 

Ok so Russia is fabled for its high level of Vodka consumption but very sober air traffic controllers in the cold east of Russia recently claimed that they were ‘buzzed’ by a UFO travelling at 6000 mph – yes ‘6000 mph.’

And (it gets worse) when they spoke to the pilot she replied “with a female sounding alien voice in a language that was unintelligible but sounded Cat-like,” said one air traffic controller who probably needed at least a double Vodka or five to calm his nerves.

The Cat has decided to call out latest extra terrestrial visitors ‘Catliens’ and hopes that they are just a little more interesting and indeed ‘real’ than ET, who made one great movie but was never heard of ever again! Makes you wonder what Steven Spielberg did with the poor little guy doesn’t it?

The speed of the craft is almost as exceptional as the language of the pilot – what a shame I wasn’t there to translate, maybe I will be called into act as a consultant now that would be a nice little earner wouldn’t it – because it was travelling so fast. If you earthlings look here on Wikipedia you’ll see that the fastest manmade aircraft, the rather terrifying looking, Lockheed SR-71 Blackbird #61-7958 set the fastest time every by a man made jet on 28th July 1976 of 2,193.2 mph while being flown by Capt. Eldon W. Joersz and Maj. George T. Morgan.

Lockheed SR 71 Blackbird

The UFO was assigned a numerical code on the Russian radar of 00000 because the air traffic control system could not identify the aircraft and it can be seen clearly in the picture below flying straight towards the capital of the region Yakutsk. On the picture below I have circled the ‘object’ in red so that you can see it easily!

Radar Image of UFO

The air traffic controller told a passing Aeroflot pilot “I kept hearing some female voice, as if a woman was saying mioaw-mioaw all the time.” Unfortunately as you will hear on the video, which I have
posted on my www.wickedly wonderful website’s new video page my new Video page the air traffic controller’s contact with the Aeroflot pilot was disrupted by interference from the UFO as though it was jamming it – ‘da dah da’ sorry that is not a lot of russian ‘yes’s’ it is obviously a musical accompaniment to a significant fact!

Last night there was no comment from airport officials on the Catlien UFO contact, the video or indeed anything but then we were talking to Russians, which is odd because although the video has only recently come to light it was made some time ago (and surely they would have had time to get their story straight wouldn’t they?) because you can’t see any snow outside the control tower windows and currently Yakutsk is covered in the stuff with an air temperature of minus 30C and that is how it will be for eight months of the year.

Of course some experts, and frankly some people who are totally the opposite, claim that it is widely known that UFOs have made contact and landed on Earth but details have never been made public, is this the first time we, the more general public have made ‘contact?’ Actually that would be nice because ‘Contact’ was a great movie and little what’s her name who starred in it hasn’t really worked since, no let me correct that she hasn’t done anything as good since ‘Contact!’

Oh by the way I thought that I would mention that when I do chat to the other super intelligent Catlike beings I will put in a good word for most humans, but of course a Cat has to live (preferably in luxury) and if anyone feels like chipping in with the expenses then now, I strongly recommend, is ‘the’ time because you’ll go to the top of my list.

If you want to know the things I like you could do some research by reading my book Getting Out – Excerpts Cat’s Diary and you can get it here Amazon.com or you could read my www.wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com and of course it should go without saying that you must make sure that you get my next book which should be in the shops very soon it’s a brilliantly written ‘Travelogue.’

One thing I can assure you earthlings of is that, as yet, I haven’t travelled away from our planet, that is the planet that will belong to Catkind very soon of course it used to be called Earth though as yet we Cats haven’t actually agreed on a new name for our planet.

I can assure you it definitely won’t be called ‘Planet Fish’ as Dave the Cat suggested. He is more annoying than usual after eventually grasping the fact that the new overlords of the earth will be err… us and now keeps making buzzing noises and has stuck a wire coat hanger and two knitting needles into the top of his woolly hat and keeps repeating “I am an alien give me your fish earthling!” Then he throws his wonderful toy Space Rocket, which he got here from my friends at Mad Cat Toys, into the air and whistles like a Pig – or is it more like a Banker – I can never tell the difference.

If you want to do the same as Dave the Cat or just own one of these wonderful toy Space Rockets then do please click the little link that rather convenient says “Mad Cat Toys” on my blog and you will be whizzed there to choose your Space Rocket and more and I’ll get a very small ‘consideration’ for sending you there which is nice isn’t it?

Or if you can’t see the nice little logo of a Mad Cat then click here blog.thecatsdiary.com and you will be taken to my blog’s main page and “hey presto!” As magicians say when they are annoying Rabbits – you will see it!

If you want to see the whole Catlien experience do click here and watch the video on my www.wickedly wonderful website my new Video page where you can actually see that the UFO is travelling at a much faster speed than any of the aircraft nearby.

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Oct 282010
 

Ok this blog is not for the fainthearted or readers with weak stomachs.

Guess what Yogi’s big brothers in the north of Russia are up to? Well it really isn’t very nice. Bears are so hungry because of a shortage of their usual foods up in the frozen wastes of the Russian Arctic Circle that they are dropping down to the nearest cemetery and tucking into the frozen remains of humans.

Yep I am afraid that is right, graveyard grub is catching on in a big way up where brass monkeys fear to tread and this appalled Cat expects most restaurants in France to start dishing up their version very soon because of course all ‘French Cuisine’ as it is laughingly known comes from other cultures, mainly Italy of course where the people love food and love to cook wonderful delicious food.

Sad to say all the French did was to steal their recipes and get anal about the way the stuff should be served whereas the Italians just think that good food should be served ‘generously’ and if you don’t believe me just think about Pavarotti – he would never have been the size he was if he had eaten Nouveau Cuisine would he?

So back to the Russian Bears and their enormous refrigerators full of – oh! sorry that is just too revolting to think about or write any more about – just like writing about French Cuisine to say nothing about the way the idiots drink their wine.

RussianBears.jpg

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May 182010
 

“Has the Cat got your tongue?” Is like all of those humans expressions about Cats it casts Cats in the role of villain and quite frankly not at all nice.

Why is it that Cats have such a bad reputation when it comes to old sayings or expressions? It is something I have puzzled about when sitting very comfortably and warmly on various human laps and knees recently as apparently the flood water in Central Europe gets deeper and Poland, Hungary and the Czech republic start to drown, but back to that later.

Honestly I have no idea why Cats have such a bad reputation and would be interested to hear from any reader why they think it is the case! Apart, of course, from the reader who asked me why I hadn’t written a blog for a few days and they, in turn, hadn’t had anything funny to read.

Well I replied to them that they really ought to read my book of course book which anyone can easily get here at Amazon.com as if you all need reminding tee hee, and I also let them into a bit of a secret and that is that everyone will soon be able to read my wonderful book on a Sony eReader because those nice people at Sony and this wonderful Cat are going to start ‘bundling’ my amazing ebook with their cute eReader so that you can all buy them as a set if you see what I mean – do contact me for details.

Still the note from my fan did make me think about the phrase “Has the Cat got your tongue?” though, and I thought that I would share those thoughts with you below.

1. What would a Cat do with your tongue or indeed anyone else’s tongue – make a tongue necklace? I hardly
think so!
2. Where would we keep all of the tongues we collect? We don’t have pockets you know, or if we do I have never found mine!
3. Old sayings are as mental as the people who use them.
3. Couldn’t really think of a third point.
3. I think I am a little confused with the numbering system here and anyway I am getting bored with this
list.
4. Dropped off for a while until I was woken up by someone standing up and me falling on my feet (of course).
5. Why do humans stand up unexpectedly when a warm Cat is comfortably asleep on their lap?
6. I may have lost my train of thought and veered off the subject I was thinking about!
7. What was the subject?
8. What am I doing here.
9. Does existentialism have any relevance to the modern feline.
10 My head hurts!

It is so unlikely that a Cat and this cat in particular would want to steal a human tongue that I had to commission an artist to show a Cat stealing a tongue.

Cat Stealing Tongue.png

Artist’s impression of Cat lulling human to sleep before stealing tongue.

One last thing before I go off to find a lap and have a well deserved sleep. The weather here has been pretty terrible recently ‘but’ and it is a very big but just as the idea that Cat’s collect tongues is a myth so is the ‘fact’ reported by the BBC News that the Czech republic, Poland and Hungary are flooded – they aren’t I promise you, so please stop if you were reaching for the inflatable life raft catalogue and wondering if they deliver to Prague. Prague and the surrounding countryside is as dry as a bone, or it was a couple of days ago when I flew over it on my way back from Moscow – the Russian bless them are buying my book now.

Not only that currently I am looking out over Prague from the largest film studios in Europe on a hill above Prague where I can see for miles or kilometres as they say here and I can’t see a drop of water that isn’t in the place it should be ie., the Vltava river which flows, usually in an orderly fashion, through Prague and then down to Slovakia where it is given a new name and eventually ends up in the sea somewhere.

Floods.png

Artist’s impression of BBC news imaginary flood water.

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