Feb 202014
 

The answer is ‘DON’T’

Don’t under any circumstances give an idiot a sword or indeed any other weapon, but look what those bunch of monsters in Saudi Arabia have done! They have armed themselves and an idiot from England with the damn things.

Idiot with a sword

I have a feeling that this is the big ritual performed by the Saudi royal family before they chop off the head of a princess or two for wearing lippy, or secretly hiding a picture of Tom Cruise in their underwear drawer, though I am not sure and they are conflicting reports as to what the ugly bunch of sword wavers are actually doing.

If you read the international (non-British) press they heavily criticise the idiot from the UK who likes to dress up in fancy dress as commander in chiefs of this and that in the navy, army and air force and wear an imitation gold sword at his side and probably jumped at the chance of wearing a real gold sword at his side and having the opportunity to wave it about with all the other clowns.

However if you read the British press they will say that “prince charles joined members of the Saudi royal family for the Ardah – or sword dance – in the capital Riyadh.” Then they will go on to describe the outfit, called a ‘thobe’ if anyone cares? And then drone on about the number of sequins and jewels hand sown into the fools ankle length garment, yes that right a ‘thobe’ to you and I! I would say that the word ‘thobe’ could be used as a perfect description of what that moron from England looks like wearing traditional Arab dress… a right royal thobe in fact.

Idiot with a sword3

Just look at this pompous ‘prince’ oops I think I spelt ‘prick’ wrong there sorry!
Idiot with a sword 2

No wonder the Aussies and Kiwis want to ditch the British royals as their heads of states, because it won’t be long before this right royal thobe is their head of state too and has the opportunity to flounce around the world looking like the fool in the pictures above on their behalf.

I honestly didn’t think that the Aussies or Kiwis had such taste, all I can say is good luck to their campaign and fingers crossed that one day an enlightened British people, hopefully by that time minus Scotland (they deserve their independence they have suffered for long enough) do the same.


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

I would like to tell you all about something new and rather nice that you can get from the Apple iBooks store, no not ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book you have been able to get that for ages, no something else rather wonderful. You can get John Woodcock’s brilliantly illustrated book the first in the series called ‘The Trams of Prague’

This heavily illustrated books created especially for iPads, Pods and Phones called Tram No 6 is the Naughtiest of Trams and it looks amazing.

If you would like to get this exceptional book the easy way, just click on this link:
Trams of Prague – Tram No6 is the Naughtiest of Trams


Don’t forget dear cuddly readers one and all that my translator’s heavily illustrated book has just been made available at the iBookstore or iTunes – what was it with Steve Jobs and all of the ‘i’s’?

To get whizzed straight to the store whatever it’s called just click on the picture of the cover of that wonderful book below.

Trams of Prague ePub Cover 2 1 13 225x225 75

Feb 292012
 

I don’t know if you saw the cover of Hello magazine this week? (If you didn’t I have added it below). I did, on a book stand in Berlin and I was rather surprised to see the person walking a rather nice Black Spaniel was wearing a Kate Mask©.

At first I thought that the good people of Hello magazine had been using photoshop but on closer inspection I don’t think they did, still I compensated for that below tee hee.

The reason why I thought Hello magazine had been a photoshoping was firstly the rather odd fixed stare of the over sized face under the hat and on the cover and secondly because Kate Masks© are in very short supply as this is a Jubilee year and no one in their right mind wants to wear a queen mask©.

Kate Mask

As you can see in the next snap I am so pleased that I was able to get hold of a few very rare Kate Masks© and join in the latest craze becoming a look-a-like for princess Cindy or is her name ‘The Duchess’ I forget!

My Kate Mask

If you don’t want to be left out of the most amazing craze since Planking then do drop me a line I have a few Kate Masks© reserved for my closest friends and if you are prepared to outbid them then a Kate Mask© will be posted to you immediately after your cheque, credit card or money order has cleared.

Qatar Mask 2

Honestly though I urge you to act fast because already I have has several UK cabinet ministers, some US senators and indeed a very close aid to the royal families of both Saudi Arabia and Qatar contacting me enquiring about availability of Kate Masks©.

Well this is a very special year for the British royal family of course, the queen will have been living in a life of luxury at the taxpayers expense and taking protracted exotic holidays for what seems like forever so this year the nation and indeed the rest of the world want to congratulate her on getting away with it for so long and what better way to do that than with a finely crafted (so long as you cut it out neatly) Kate Mask©?

Just a thought from a caring Cat!

What a shame that being married to a royal and having to exist in ‘that’ family has turned the good looking young woman (below) into the one above! Do you think she needs counselling? You have to ask yourself what is she going to look like after a couple of kids, having to deal with all the nannies and servants will be tiring and if her husband turns out to be the same sort of git as her father in law then she is going to be worn to a frazzle or less.

Another Kate Middleton

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Oct 072011
 

Recently I had the misfortune to go to Budapest while researching my forthcoming book The Cat’s Travelogue and I found it to be a tatty place, the buildings are much the same as all other parts of the ex Austro-Hungrarian Empire the plaster covering them is dropping at an alarming rate into the streets.

Worst of all the people are not only tatty (they can’t help that can they?) they are the most miserable bunch of scuffers I have every had the misfortune to be scuffed at.

You can read more about Budapest in my new book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ because unlike China, India, Taiwan, Saudi Arabia and a whole host of other depressing and repressing countries Hungary couldn’t afford the ‘sponsorship’ required to keep their entry out of my very revealing travelogue – tee hee.

So with that in mind the sign on a Budapestian Restaurant car park was more than a little confusing as you can see!

A very Moral Sign From Hungary

Don’t forget to get a copy of my latest unputdownable book and chase those financial blues away as you lose yourself in my world.



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Jun 132011
 

It isn’t often, especially in the middle of a Middle East Spring when you can pat the Saudi Arabian authorities on the back and say “job well done.”

But you have to give credit where credit is due and as this sign shows the Saudi Arabian government has decided to outlaw ‘barking.’ In this Cat’s humble opinion (yes the humble bit was a joke) the outlawing of barking hasn’t come too soon. Barking is a dreadful noisy habit and should be outlawed – maybe next the Saudi’s will go further and outlaw Dogs as well after all they have some pretty daft laws don’t they?

No Barking Saudi Arabia

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Dec 102010
 

Reports (and oddly enough very sharp pictures) are coming in to Cat World HQ that Queen camilla, “our queen of pies” as the mob now lovely call the chubby camilla the Duchess of Cornwall because of the weight she has so gracefully gained since she became an honest woman and married charles, and her husband the once and future king charles were attacked last night by a mob of hungry students.

Apparently students were tipped off by the British media, who needed a good picture story for today’s editions and in addition some outrageous table thumping moral editorial, that the ‘queen of pies’ and her prince were going to be attending yet another charity show where they get the free tickets and the champagne on the understanding that they rub shoulders with the commoners and plebs, who have paid thousands of pounds for a ticket, for as short a time as possible.

But last night the regal free jolly went wrong and the heavily armoured Rolls Royce car paid for by the royal loving British taxpayers and the other equally subsidised cars in the royal convoy were attacked and horror of horrors paint was thrown!

As readers of my blog can see – inside the royal car there was absolute panic from the regal couple and camilla was heard to scream “they’re trying to steal our Pies!” In the picture ex-naval captain prince charles can be seen being defended by the queen of pies who hold several honorary military appointments including Royal Colonel of the 4th Battalion of The Rifles and the rest in a list below* all which of course are unpaid positions but do carry hefty expenses for the organisations concerned which are of course in turn funded by the ever poorer British tax payer. Some on lookers say that prince charles retaliated and screamed at the mob after he had recovered some of his composure “get your own pies you filthy swine, there are our pies!”

After the attack the Metropolitan Police Commissioner said that no one had been injured and that was mainly because the press had failed to warn the London’s Metropolitan Police of the impeding attack, he went on to say that “had the press informed the police they could have had several thousand stick wielding riot police on hand to deal with the students efficiently and effectively – as I discovered on a recent trip to China whacking students and other protestors definitely beats catching criminals for a living and helps to ensure the rule of law!”

Comments and wishes of sympathy have yet to come in from all around the world however the Chinese Vice Premier Mr Li Keqiang was reported saying after he heard about the attack that “if people allow the Nobel Prize organisation to criticise China then this cruel attempt to steal an old woman’s pies, just because she lives off state handouts that others aren’t entitled to, shows how the rule of law is breaking down in the west; 19 other countries including the great friends of the royal family Saudi Arabia and Kazakhstan immediately issued statements agreeing with what Mr Li Keqiang had said.

Some time later charles’ father the rarely seen, secretive and mysterious ‘Dook’ was reported to say that “the idiot (we believe he was referring to charles) hasn’t got himself into a scrape with another bit of fluff in a car has he?”

The ‘Dook’ then rambled on as he was led away however this reporter thought he heard the words “still the good news at least with this one we don’t have to deal with the frenchies, nasty swarthy, squat and sinister buggers your average frenchie!” Then after a gap the Dook wrenched the hand that was covering his mouth and shouted. “Still glad the car was a ‘roller’ this time, stronger than the rubbish the krauts make, is the car still drivable – maybe we can salvage some parts this time.”

Paint on car.jpg

Background information

Prince Charles is heir to the British throne but few if any apart from his diplomatic son believe that he will ascend to the throne after his Mummy dies because of his ridiculous behaviour belief in odd cults such as homeopathy and statements like the one in September 10th, 1996 below, which was reported by the daily newspaper ‘The Sun’ on the front cover.

Never Marry.jpg

*The Queen of Pies honorary military appointments

Honorary Air Commodore of RAF Halton, United Kingdom Honorary Air Commodore of RAF Leeming, Commodore-in-Chief of the Naval Medical Services,Commodore-in-Chief Naval Chaplaincy Service, Lady sponsor of HMS Astute

Author’s background information

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in history, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com.

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