Aug 282013
 

Slovenia is a nice place, some say the Switzerland of Eastern Europe, which is a fair comparison because I have had had some terrible means there too!

You can always expect pee in your food in Slovenia

About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

I would like to tell you all about something new and rather nice that you can get from the Apple iBooks store at last, yes it’s my wonderful first book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ so what are you waiting for you lovely Apple users?

May 142012
 

It was the Spanish F1 Grand Prix this weekend and although I didn’t have the opportunity to see it at the track in Barcelona I do intend to see it on TV so please don’t tell me the result.

When I go to the GP in Barcelona or indeed visit any part of Spain I have to say I always love it, although I also have to say that the average Spaniard’s attitude to animals is worse than absolutely awful, because they are cruel and seem to think that animals should be treated like err… um… animals, which as you will know if you have read either of my masterpieces of feline literature ‘Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ or ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ you will know that I don’t agree with animals being treated in that way. Sadly if you have read both of them you will also know that it isn’t only the Spanish alone from the world’s over population that treat animals badly, but as I say in my more Martin Luther King moments “our day will come!” Or did Ruby & the Romantics say it in a song that Amy Winehouse sang it before her clogs were popped? I don’t really know the answer to that and if I did it would spoil the little jokette tee hee!

Having said all of that Spain is a nice place to visit and as a holiday destination caters for all tastes and pockets even odd minorities as you can see from the label below, they even make a cheese especially for morons bless them! That is bless the Spanish and the Morons of course, we Cats can’t be criticised for being exclusive in our blessings.

Spanish cheese for morons

And before you all write in, in your tens, I know that the cheese is actually Swiss and made by the Morons of the Canton of Jura on the shores of Lake Geneva, but the hunk of cheese above was on sale in Spain and I wanted to mention the Spanish GP, well I didn’t want to mention the Spanish GP really I wanted to watch it by my translator said that if I didn’t write a blog first I couldn’t watch it. Grrr!

Usually I would include a picture of the Spanish GP but if I do that I will probably find out the result and it goes without saying that I don’t want to know the result just yet because that would spoil my viewing pleasure wouldn’t it?


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Dec 202011
 

As the title correctly says for a lot of us it is time nearly to slide into some shiny Gore-Tex, sharpen our elbows and practice being rude to anyone who gets in our way as preparation for attacking the nearest ski slope! Or it would be if you are going skiing anywhere that caters for the British and German riff raft tourist.

The areas blighted by these ignorant ski slope bullies include most of France, Austria and Italy and unfortunately a lot of the slopes on the west coast of the US.

If you want a nice quiet ski without being knocked over by some idiot who believes that they can ski in-between breaking a leg then the best place to go is, in my case, ‘local.’

There is of course is yet another reason to go ‘local’ this year and that reason is that a lot of the ‘popular’ (and for ‘popular’ just substitute ‘cheap’ ski resorts where the skiing riff raff assemble to knock each other over on the slopes by day and drink each other under the table by night) don’t actually have any snow – something to do apparently with global warming.

Still never mind about the riff raff happily they won’t be skiing where I am going skiing this year or indeed where we took a little Winter hol at the begging of this year, as you can see from the picture below we went to Switzerland at the beginning of the year.

I have to say that Switzerland is a spooky place. While we were up in the Swiss Mountains we decided to take a tour of the many and various Cheese and Watch factories instead of skiing it is amazing what you will do when you get bored isn’t it?

Anyway we hopped on the Snow-Express which is the name for a little coach tour can you imagine our surprise at the name of the tour company? Well happily though of you who are hard of understanding and imagining don’t have to imagine actually or indeed to imagine too hard because it’s on the back of the bright red coach below.

Swiss www

I have to say that after the unusual experience of our little wwwank-tour we felt rather glad to be back on the ski lifts the next day as you can imagine.

I have to say I love ski lifts, probably more than skiing, well you try skiing with four skis strapped to your feet! Skiing is hard enough to do when you just have the two! Although I don’t like the concept of snowboarding I’ve had a go a couple of times now and think that it’s really a way of getting down a snow covered mountain that was probably designed more for Cats to use than for humans. I took to it like a Duck to water.

So this year when I go skiing I won’t be getting someone to lug all of my skis to the slopes I will just get them to carry my snowboard instead.

Skilift

Although nothing to do with any of the above really, I mentioned that I was going off skiing in the New Year to Špindlerův Mlýn in the Krkonoše Mountains which is one of the highest and the most popular mountain ranges in Bohemia and indeed the Czech Republic’s best known ski areas and a nice group of Czech fans of The Cat who writes blogs made some Cat Cup Cakes just for me, aren’t they nice – the cup cakes and the fans!

Cat Cup Cakes


About the Author – The Cat who writes blogs!

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Dec 022011
 

Scientists at the Cern Laboratory in Switzerland and my front room say that they are very close to finding the God particle. Using the Large Hadron Collider and a Fingertip Search down the back of my sofa they have, they say, got very close to the elusive god particle and that means that they are the verge to announcing their evidence.

Cern

Just in case you aren’t sure the picture above is of the Cern Laboratory and the one below is of my front room, the sofa that scientists have been studying is the leather one on the right!

My front room

Cutting through all of the scientific waffle I am happy to let all of my cuddle readers into what until now has been a great big secret, without (hopefully) ruining the scientist’s ‘big day.’ The god particle that the boys and girls at Cern and my from room have discovered is a tiny bit of dandruff that I shed years ago and it’s said that in the hands of a well trained scientist this tiny piece of scientific gold can be used to clone more good looking geniuses like me.

Below is a photograph of my god particle dandruff taken while it was being scanned with a reflection electron microscope, the magnification is about 10,000,000x and that means that what appears to be an alien city, on an alien world with tiny beings inhabiting it, is no threat to mankind whatsoever because the tiny aliens and their world are really so very small. So there would be no point in training any nuclear missiles at my flake of dandruff I promise or indeed any other potential threats from my skin, if I had dandruff these days which I have to stress I don’t thanks to years of hard research by another scientists Dame Eumelanin Wella!

City

So taking a deep breath I would just like to take a moment with you all my dear cuddly readers for some quiet and maybe a little refection to consider this momentous discovery by the boys and girls at Cern and my front room, err… yes you can hold hands if you want to, but please don’t call me the prophet!

What has been achieved at Cern is… well you know, err… um… big! The whole endeavour is enormous, dangerous some say, but then it would be with so many people from different countries working there wouldn’t it. Whatever Cern is you must all agree it’s spectacular and happily as I have said before it’s built under a part of the world that if it had caused the vortex to open and Zardoz and his screaming minions to leap out not many people would have noticed.

Happily the outcome is one that we can all celebrate and although some are referring to my tiny flake of dandruff as the ‘god particle’ and by association me as ‘godlike,’ I just prefer to think that what has been achieved by the scientists at Cern and in my front room is so far beyond the comprehension of most of us that everyone from believers in the old chap with a snowy white beard, to the one who is an odd colour and has several more arms than one would think anyone could possibly need, to (and even at the risk of a fatwā or two), Allah.

What could be better than that, the scientists are happy, the religious followers will be happy sadly fanatics from the Tea Party to the Taliban won’t be happy with this momentous news, but then until they change their way of looking at the world they will never be happy with anything which is a shame.

It almost goes without saying that I’m happy for everyone involved. Mmh is that a little godlike possibly!

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Nov 032011
 

Is it just me or are you worried too?

I ask this question because things, it seems, have gone rather quiet at the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland, in fact things have gone too quiet if you ask me!

Why hasn’t there been any news from the Large Hadron Collider, only a month or so ago were were promised a glimpse at the ‘God particle’ as it is known to say nothing of a look up the skirt (as it were) at the Higgs boson but sadly the hypothetical massive elementary particle remains firmly ‘hypothetical’ as far as I am aware.

Higgs event

So what has happened? Has something gone wrong? I’m worried aren’t you? No I am very worried why aren’t you? If that baby ‘goes up’ some say that their flat world will sink, worrying stuff isn’t it?

I was wondering if I’d had my iPod on too loud and missed a large bang just a few countries away? There has been a lot of fog in Prague recently, but that is just fog not smoke, well that what I tell myself, it comforts me!

Surely something should have happened by now at the world’s most expensive experiment, well the world most expensive experiment if you don’t include the one currently being held to discover exactly what talent Justin Bieber possess; 2 billion hits on YouTube teh!^ It just goes to show exactly how poor the taste of 28% the world’s population actually is!

If anyone can tell me what Justin Beiber does I would be grateful he is either so far below or above this Cat’s radar that he actually doesn’t exist or maybe, just maybe Justin Bieber is what the Large Hadron Collider has discovered or worse created and they are keeping very, very quiet about it.

Oh look what I have found a picture (below) of little Justin Bieber. For those of you who are old enough you must remember Donny Osbourne? Surely Justin is a Donny clone? (Picture of Donny below as well to prove this clever Cat’s point!)

Justinbieber

Donny O

I wondered what Donny Osbourne is doing these days so I searched for ‘osbourne’ in Google of course and came up with this recent snap. I see he is still in the music business and isn’t that Marie in the background at the Mormon tabernacle? They both look as though they have gone through a spin cycle at the Large Hadron Collider don’t they? I think it’s them though of course I could be wrong I am only a Cat after all!

Blacksunday

^Note

The word teh above is not a typo it’s used to describe the sound that a Cat makes when expressing disbelief! Just thought I would tell you so you don’t think I’m uneducated.

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