Dec 022011
 

Scientists at the Cern Laboratory in Switzerland and my front room say that they are very close to finding the God particle. Using the Large Hadron Collider and a Fingertip Search down the back of my sofa they have, they say, got very close to the elusive god particle and that means that they are the verge to announcing their evidence.

Cern

Just in case you aren’t sure the picture above is of the Cern Laboratory and the one below is of my front room, the sofa that scientists have been studying is the leather one on the right!

My front room

Cutting through all of the scientific waffle I am happy to let all of my cuddle readers into what until now has been a great big secret, without (hopefully) ruining the scientist’s ‘big day.’ The god particle that the boys and girls at Cern and my from room have discovered is a tiny bit of dandruff that I shed years ago and it’s said that in the hands of a well trained scientist this tiny piece of scientific gold can be used to clone more good looking geniuses like me.

Below is a photograph of my god particle dandruff taken while it was being scanned with a reflection electron microscope, the magnification is about 10,000,000x and that means that what appears to be an alien city, on an alien world with tiny beings inhabiting it, is no threat to mankind whatsoever because the tiny aliens and their world are really so very small. So there would be no point in training any nuclear missiles at my flake of dandruff I promise or indeed any other potential threats from my skin, if I had dandruff these days which I have to stress I don’t thanks to years of hard research by another scientists Dame Eumelanin Wella!

City

So taking a deep breath I would just like to take a moment with you all my dear cuddly readers for some quiet and maybe a little refection to consider this momentous discovery by the boys and girls at Cern and my front room, err… yes you can hold hands if you want to, but please don’t call me the prophet!

What has been achieved at Cern is… well you know, err… um… big! The whole endeavour is enormous, dangerous some say, but then it would be with so many people from different countries working there wouldn’t it. Whatever Cern is you must all agree it’s spectacular and happily as I have said before it’s built under a part of the world that if it had caused the vortex to open and Zardoz and his screaming minions to leap out not many people would have noticed.

Happily the outcome is one that we can all celebrate and although some are referring to my tiny flake of dandruff as the ‘god particle’ and by association me as ‘godlike,’ I just prefer to think that what has been achieved by the scientists at Cern and in my front room is so far beyond the comprehension of most of us that everyone from believers in the old chap with a snowy white beard, to the one who is an odd colour and has several more arms than one would think anyone could possibly need, to (and even at the risk of a fatwā or two), Allah.

What could be better than that, the scientists are happy, the religious followers will be happy sadly fanatics from the Tea Party to the Taliban won’t be happy with this momentous news, but then until they change their way of looking at the world they will never be happy with anything which is a shame.

It almost goes without saying that I’m happy for everyone involved. Mmh is that a little godlike possibly!

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Dec 062010
 

My first Christmas shopping tip is “in amongst the crowds of shoppers, always use your elbows like a pensioner and barge anyone in your way out of it!” But at the moment with all the snow and in England the wonderful organisation UK Uncut closing shops all over the place on the busiest Christmas shopping day that tip is a little useless tee hee.

The very new organisation to ‘out’ and ‘punish’ big personal and corporate tax dodgers is called UK Uncut and it is a little like the American organisation the Tea Party but with a smaller agenda and that is basically to campaign for fairness in the UK this Saturday the busiest on the calendar this year for shopping saw people of all ages closing shops and supergluing themselves to the shop windows of tax dodgers tee hee.

UK Uncut.jpg

The main ‘victims’ or is that tax dodgers they targeted were Vodaphone Shops who used a very clever avoidance scheme to slip 4.2 billion pounds out of the country and therefore avoid paying tax on it and the shops of the arch tax avoider Philip Green who owns Top Shop among others (and of course advises the newly formed UK Govt) and managed to sneak 1.2 billion pounds of untaxed income out of the UK last year. Keep up the good work I say!

I was going to go to Barcelona for my Christmas shopping I do that every so often because there are some great shops there with very different present-like stuff in but sadly the air traffic controllers were on strike.

So I (tip number two) shopped on Amazon.com where of course you can see and more importantly buy just by clicking here Amazon.com har ha. Shopping online is so easy and before I knew it I had exhausted several credit cards – I don’t know about ‘maxed’ these had ‘melted’ still as you will know from my book I learned long ago that it is better to use someone else’s credit card when shopping online it is (a) cheaper and (b) such a nice surprise of the beneficial owners of the card in question.

Sadly Christmas shopping tips are thin on the ground this year although I might suggest to Philip Green and the Directors of Vodaphone that if they want to open up shop in the UK then they had better pay the taxes they owe and not sneak most of what is owed in tax out of the country and then expect the ordinary British people to pay more on their behalf – there is a revolution coming by the looks of it.

Christmas Tree and presents.jpg

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