Tag Archives: The Cat who writes blogs

Snow Comes To My Website & Blog

Once again this year to celebrate the season, Christmas and of course because I like the effect a lot, it has started snowing on The Cat’s Blog and my www.wickedlywonderfulwebsite www.thecatsdiary.com, or to be more accurate because as I explain in both my books Cat’s have a dreadful curse, we can’t tell a lie, it’s snowing all over The Cat’s Blog but only over the picture at the top of the page on my my www.wickedlywonderfulwebsite www.thecatsdiary.com.

I don’t know if you can see the snow in the picture below but I can truthfully say that it’s there (not being able to tell a lie is such a curse, I can tell you) maybe you should go to The Cat’s Blog and check out all the lovely snow for yourself.

There is also something new about the snow for this year on The Cat’s Blog and that is that you can make the snow go mad, change direction and even rather godlike make the snow stop! Just by using your mouse, track pad or if you are reading my The Cat’s Blog using an iPhone, iPad or iPod touch – your finger!

I wonder if that’s how god does the things he does? If that is there is a god ‘up there’ you have to imagine a Cat pointing his paw in a confused way ‘up’ as you read this bit!

Snow on Blog

Very soon this Christmasy kind Cat who writes blogs is going to bring you the ever popular Christmas lights to both The Cat’s Blog and my www.wickedlywonderfulwebsite www.thecatsdiary.com and yes don’t worry just like last year you will be able to pop, smash and generally destroy the pretty little twinkling lights when the ‘pleasure’ of all that Christmas fixed smile giving and general ‘joy’ gets the better of you and you feel an overriding urge to smash something.

Xmas Holly.png

Now for a little Christmas Quiz

Question: Where can you buy copies of my wonderful books?

Answer: Here!

Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary

Paperback edition of Getting Out at Amazon.com

Kindle edition of Getting Out at Amazon.com

The Cat’s Travelogue

Paperback edition of

The Cat’s Travelogue

Kindle edition of The Cat’s Travelogue

Mmh I don’t think I’ve quite got the idea or format of quizzes right, don’t worry I will keep trying while you go off and jingle you own bells – don’t you just love Christmastide?

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Oldham’s Sign Erection Crew Visit Leeds

Oldham s Sign Erection Crew Visit Leeds

The lads and possibly lasses (in this politically correct world we live in) of the Oldham road sign erection crew have struck again, but this time you have to go to Leeds to see this marvellous example of the sort of careful workmanship and workwomanship (in this politically correct world we live in).

Their work is a fine example of the type of British craftsmanship and craftswomanship (of course) that David Cameron and all of the other deluded British politicians believe is going to make the UK a world power once again, to say nothing of ensuring that everyone has nice shiny shoes and all the trains not only run on time but are clean! Isn’t it great to ‘believe?’

If you don’t remember the fine example of Oldham’s road sign erection crew’s work from my previous blog here is an example as published by the Cat who writes Blogs i.e. me just before my birthday on November 14th.

If You want Craftsmanship don t go to Oldham

Of course if you missed my birthday you will be pleased to hear that I have no problem with presents, cards and cash arriving late, in fact I have said on any number of occasions that I am just like a politician in this respect – open to ‘presents’ at any time during the year!

Of course if you don’t remember when Oldham’s sign erection crew last struck just click here, aren’t they clever?

Don’t forget that the holidays are upon us, Thanksgiving in just a day or so away and Christmas as usual is lurking around the corner which means that you may well be stumped for what to get the children, the Dog, the family and all of the others that you have to buy presents for, my advice is don’t panic just go to either my www-wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com or indeed good old Amazon.com and order dozens of copies of my books. May I helpfully suggest that for people you really like you give both of my books to and for people you aren’t so keen on just the one!

Here are a few useful links to save you time and cut out the hours of concentrated thought that you would normally devote to choosing the right present for everyone.


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Toilet Confusion in Laos

The English language is a wonderful thing, it being the language of international business, used by airline pilots and ship’s captains of every nation and used in so many different ways.

The English language is also reasonably easy to use once you have learned a few rather odd idiosyncrasies such as the difference between ‘there’ and ‘their’ and just because the plural of Mouse is Mice don’t automatically expect House to do the same! All of which means that the English language like all good tools is easy to use.

However having said that the English language does seem to be a rather difficult brute to use if one wants to use it in translation, do check the example below a simple translation of Lao, the language of the country with almost the same name Laos, but then maybe learning English in a country that was once known as the kingdom of Lan Xang (or Million Elephants) is a problem, they certainly seem to have made it so!

Preventing Toilets In Laos From Doing What

If any dear cuddly reader can tell the poor confused cat what on earth preventing a toilet is then they may well win a copy of my latest unputdownable book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue.’

Travelogue by John Woodcock

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Rear Guard?

There are some traffic signs in this world that defy explanation and here is one of them from Valetta in Malta for your education and amusement!

Rear Guard

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Worrying Switches At An Hotel In China

Here is yet another sign that I noticed on my recent travels around the world bumping into idiots and obviously their signs, this one is from the capital of China a dreadful backward place with little or no morals as the end of my little tale will demonstrate.

If you’re looking for Smallpox then look no further because at a flick of a switch you can have a dose at this hotel in Beijing and it doesn’t stop there! So dedicated to service and satisfying your every whim this hotel can at the flick of another switch give you lights that can kill.

Chinese Lighting System Small Pox Ded Lights

Just how many hotels do you stay in offer a “Ded Light Switch?” None I bet! So if you want to make sure that the Smallpox Switch does it’s job properly and kills you, you can use your Ded Light Switch they really leave nothing to chance in China.

Mind you if you are a small child and want to end it all you just have to go out into the street in China and either get run over twice by passing motorists like poor little Yue Yue or more recently a 5 year old boy who was killed in a traffic accident in Sichuan province, it wads alleged that the driver of the truck reversed over his body to ensure that the little lad was dead because he didn’t want to have the expense of hospital bills.

In a rather disgusting aside the boy’s family then argued with the truck drive for five hours about the size of compensation he would pay, and if you think that is bad just think about a statement from Li Zekun the head of the Luxian county traffic police team who said that after an investigation found no evidence that the boy had been run over twice, which leads this Cat to think that it is ok to run a 5 year old over once in China.

But really all of the people involved from the Chinese officials, to the truck driver and little lads parents are just plain disgusting, what a good think that it is only a small proportion of the world who are like that, oops it happens in India too and if you combine the populations of those two countries you are getting on for half of mankind who are really quite awful, what a good job there are some nice people in the world and of course millions of Cats great and small.

I have to say honestly that I do like writing blogs and chatting with my lovely readers but, and I hate the fact that Cats can’t lie, I do have an ulterior motive I have to get lovely cuddly readers in the first place and not only of my blogs, oh no it is very important that people buy my books so that I can call them my lovely cuddly readers in the first place – you do understand that.

So if you aren’t one of my lovely cuddly readers and you want to be then all you have to do is to start clicking the links that are below, they will take you to either one of two safe places my www.wickedlywonderfulwebsite here www.thecatsdiary.com or good old www.amazon.com where you can buy as many books as you like and if you want to be merry here is a little tip I understand that you humans have a saying the more the merrier!

Here are a selection of links that will take you straight to right places in www.amazon.com to buy either The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or The Cat’s Travelogue ebook.

Because I love the design is the cover of my latest unputdownable book The Cat’s Travelogue, isn’t it great?

Travelogue by John Woodcock

And don’t forget you can buy either a paper edition of either or better still both of my books or an ebook format.

The Cat & Kindle

Lastly if you missed clicking on the links above here is another chance tee hee!

Gosh that is a lot of information and I have to say it seems as though I might just come over as a bit pushy but a Cat has got to be kept in a life style he is accustomed to doesn’t he?

We all have heard the terrible news today that poor old www.amazon.com have seen their profits drop by 73%. Between you and me I was told (confidentially) that it’s only the sale of my books keeping the poor devils afloat, so that means that you are not only going to make a Cat very happy when you buy loads of my books but also the poor staff at www.amazon.com whose jobs depend on the sales of my books!

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Personal Hairdressing In France

There are very few words to either explain or describe this photograph from a Paris suburb and frankly even this genius of a Cat who writes books and who writes blogs doesn’t have any of them! But all the same I thought you my dear cuddly readers would giggle at the ridiculousness of our french cousins.

Personal Hairdressing In France

I believe that ‘french cousins’ are the cousins in a family that no one talks about you know the ‘special’ ones for whom everything is a challenge.

Big news, my wonderful masterpiece of second book (electronic and paper) ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ will be in book stores, on Amazon.com waiting for you to buy it in your thousands this coming week I believe. I will let you have more information as soon as I can but stand by with your pocketbooks open.

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It’s A Very Exciting Day Today!

It’s really a very exciting day today. I am with my designers in New York going over the final selection of cover designs for my soon to be published second book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue.’

You know I was pleasantly surprised, the cover designs are all really nice, except one that is which uses the most unflattering photograph of me, I do hope that we don’t use that design!

Unfortunately I have discovered that I have a little problem and that problem is that book publishing is (according to my publisher) a collaborative endeavour so we will be using the cover that is chosen by the majority. Mmh what do you think about that dear cuddly reader, you know what they say about things chosen by committees don’t you!

I have to say it came as something of a shock to discover that publishing my book was a “collaborative endeavour” because I would like to know where the designers, my agent Mr. Todd A Leibowitz call me “Todd” and my publisher were when I was knee deep in some of the less attractive countries around the world and just how close they were from swooping in and rescuing me when a mob of Pakistani religious fools were after my ‘Bacon’ just because they thought I was Danish? Not close at all is the answer.

Still I’ll forgive them their stupidity if we “sell as many of these ponies as we did the last Buckaroo!” To quote my Agent Mr. Todd A Leibowitz call me “Todd.” We apparently will be in “millionsville” once again. What can I say? I am so pleased and of course confused.

I am afraid when I listen to my agent Mr. Todd A Leibowitz call me “Todd,” publisher and the designers all talking excitedly at once I feel a little handicapped, not by the fact that they are speaking American, a language which is very close to English the language I first learned when I started to write my first ‘unputdownable’ book, the trouble is that when I hear them all talking at once, firing buzz words into the conversation as if they were machine gun bullets at a we hate Saddam/Americans rally in Iraq I just can’t keep up, and worse every so often they clap a hi five above my head and shout “YAY” when they agree on something all of which is beyond me.

I just hope that the last hi five and round of “YAYS” wasn’t something to do with the committee choosing the design for the book! I feel I should ask but they are just too busy congratulating themselves currently. Maybe there will be time later, although after lunch I am being whisked out to the airport and sent home, yes my agent Mr. Todd A Leibowitz call me “Todd” is paying for my stay which is probably why it’s so short.

Anyway as soon as I can I will post the ‘winning’ design on my blog and hope that all my fans let me know what they think of it. I think it’s really a good idea to let my lovely fans see the cover of my new book in advance of publication because then they will know what to grab off the book store’s shelves.

Of course ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ will not only be available in your local bookstore it will also be available on Amazon.com as an ebook or a proper book and all of the other places you can possibly think of to get ebooks and the old style paper books.

The timing of publication is designed cleverly to catch the Christmas rush if the banks don’t bankrupt us all first! So please make sure that you buy at least two copies and one for your good self dear cuddly reader because they make excellent presents for everyone!

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Chef’s Dick Confit – French Cooking At Its Best!

Now here’s a new way to eat the good old English Chip or as Americans know it the French Fry just go to France and order ‘Chef’s Dick Confit’ and don’t be too surprised if (hopefully) you get chips.

Obviously the french who hate the idea of using ‘foreign’ words in their language decided that they couldn’t call a fried potato a ‘chip’ because the English use that and then they thought the damn Americans use french fry so they couldn’t call their chips “Frit Française” could they? And that meant that they had to come up with some ‘radical’ language and frankly you can’t get more radical than having a Chef’s Dick on your plate can you?

Chef s Dick Confit  French Cooking At Its Best

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Illegal In Most States

The say that religion makes you a better, more moral person, but this sign surely tells a different story. Surely this sort of activity is illegal in most states?

Illegal In Most States

I am happy to say here that Cats like all other animals are not at all religious and are usually not at all welcome in places of worship no matter what god or idol they have been erected for and that is a great source of comfort and relief.

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

Throwing Caution To The Wind In China

The Chinese XXXXX XXX XXXXXXXXX XXXXX XXXXX XXXXX. XXXX XXXXX XXXX
X XXXXXX, XXXXX XX XXXXXX XXX XXXXX XXX XX. XXXX XXXX, XXX XXX XX
XXX XXXXXX X XXXXX XXXXXXX XXXXX. XXXX XXXXXX XXXXXXX XX XXX XXXXXX
XXX XXXXXX XXXX. XXXXXXXXXXX XXXX XXX XXXXXXXX XX XXX XXX XXXXXXXX
XXXXXX.

XX XXXXXX XX XXXXX X XXX photograph I saw in China, XXXXXX XX XXXX XXXXXXXX XXXXXXX XXX XXXXXX
XX X XXXXXX XXXX XXX.

X XXXX XX XXX XXXXXXXX XXXXX idiots XXXXX XX XXXXXXXX XX XXXX XXXX XXXX XXX
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX.

X XX XXXX XXX XXXXXXX XX X XXXX XXXXX XX XXX XXX XXXXXX XXXX XXXXX XX
XXX X XX XXXX XXXXXXX XXX X XXX happily they can’t read English or indeed translate Chinese into English of course, just look at this picture taken in XX XXXXXX XXX X XX XX. Or do they simply use Google Translate? X XXX XXX, XXXXX X XXX!

CENSORED BY THE PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF CHINA

Throwing Caution China

Well dear reader as you can see China has agreed to sponsor my latest book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ and in accepting their sponsorship I have agreed to allow them to review all of my blog posts and delete the chapters dedicated to my travels in China from my wonderful book.

My sponsorship arrangements do extend to other countries and tends to work like this. I sent a copy of the relevant chapters to countries which I thought might be interested in ‘sponsoring’ me and in exchange for a large ‘consideration’ I will exclude their country from my unputdownable thriller of a book.

Unfortunately this practice has been describe by some of the more outraged countries as “blackmail” but to my way of thinking blackmail is a dirty word and I prefer sponsorship.

My sponsorship deals have had a significant impact on my book though and mean that the book is growing and shrinking more than an Accordian playing the Star Wars theme, it also means that if the countries in question stop providing their generous sponsorship my wonderful forthcoming book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ may well be one of very few books to actually get bigger with each imprint as my sponsors have been warned!

Having said that the word ‘sponsorship’ is nicer than ‘blackmail’ I have to say that the Bush administration truly knifed the word ‘sponsorship’ in the ribs at the rear didn’t it, when they started to describe countries as sponsors of terrorism. Odd really that you never saw a car bomber or indeed his car emblazoned with the logos of their sponsor countries!

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