Dec 092011
 

Bentley the Border Collie is probably the saddest Dog in Britain, if not the world.

He has had a trying and very difficult life bless him and it has left him scared of Cats, afraid of the dark, suffering from monophobia, the fear of being alone, he has very sore paws because he suffers from such bad anxiety attacks that he bites his nails in fact he has to wear mittens on his feet to stop him making them worse but worst of all poor Bentley the Border Collie (aged six) desperately needs a new home and we all know that is going to be his biggest challenge because getting a new home is hard enough, but when you are in desperate need of masses of love, companionship and reassurance you might be considered a bit ‘difficult.’

Bentley the Border Collie isn’t difficult in any way though, the main cause of all of his ails is anxiety which started soon after his first human’s death and it didn’t help that his second human was unable to cope with his constant need for reassurance, cuddles and company.

Bently

Bentley the Border Collie tends to cower away from Cats, even when they are only on the TV, which suggests that he is not really as cowardly as most humans think and is actually showing a lot of intelligence! Cats are always up for a bit of ‘Boxing’ with a Dog no matter how big they are (the Dogs that is)and Dogs almost always come off worse, but that is only one on one or “Cato a Dogo” as they say in um… err… somewhere ‘Latin!’

Dogs have a tendency for wandering around in packs and a pack of Dogs is a bit of a pawful for any Cat,all of which means it’s a good job we can climb or so this Cat the Cat who writes blogs thinks, but I am veering away from the star of my blog today Bentley the Border Collie.

Unfortunately if the doorbell rings Bentley the Border Collie goes into orbit, yes you guessed it this distressed Doggie is frightened of not only the doorbell but what might also be outside in the dark.

Not all is doom and gloom for Bentley the Border Collie the lady who manages the Dog’s Home where he is currently spending his days, at night he is taken home by one of the carers who at first felt sorry for him and now just enjoys his company, and that is because this blue bow wow’s behaviour changes completely when he is surrounded by humans and happily he loses all his little ways, problems and insecurities.

Bently 2

All Bentley the Border Collie is a bit of love and company a home where at least one person is home for the
most of the day and night. Bentley loves human company both adults and children and when with them will happily play, fetch the usual stuff that fits in a mouth and then snuggle down and curl up on a conveniently situated lap after a long walk.

Bentley the Border Collie just needs is a second chance really he has had a difficult time so far in his short life and needs to forget the trauma of losing a loved one when he was young and enjoy the rest of his life being just a normal Dog let’s hope that this Christmas Bentley the Border Collie finds a home along with all of the other animals who are in shelters.

Xmas Holly.png

As it was such a success I have brought back my little Christmas Quiz

Unfortunately the people who won last time can’t enter this time!

Question: Where can you buy copies of my wonderful books?

Answer: Here!

Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary

Paperback edition of Getting Out at Amazon.com

Kindle edition of Getting Out at Amazon.com

The Cat’s Travelogue

Paperback edition of

The Cat’s Travelogue

Kindle edition of The Cat’s Travelogue

All correct answers (written on a postcard) and sent to me at my email address will get a really big prize – no not a Motor Yacht that’s what I want. Mmh it still doesn’t seem as though I have got the quiz format quite right yet! I may try again next week which of course means there will be more prizes up for grabs so do visit my blog again soon. Did I ever tell you I like having you here!

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Nov 212011
 

The English language is a wonderful thing, it being the language of international business, used by airline pilots and ship’s captains of every nation and used in so many different ways.

The English language is also reasonably easy to use once you have learned a few rather odd idiosyncrasies such as the difference between ‘there’ and ‘their’ and just because the plural of Mouse is Mice don’t automatically expect House to do the same! All of which means that the English language like all good tools is easy to use.

However having said that the English language does seem to be a rather difficult brute to use if one wants to use it in translation, do check the example below a simple translation of Lao, the language of the country with almost the same name Laos, but then maybe learning English in a country that was once known as the kingdom of Lan Xang (or Million Elephants) is a problem, they certainly seem to have made it so!

Preventing Toilets In Laos From Doing What

If any dear cuddly reader can tell the poor confused cat what on earth preventing a toilet is then they may well win a copy of my latest unputdownable book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue.’

Travelogue by John Woodcock

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Sep 282011
 

There are very few words to either explain or describe this photograph from a Paris suburb and frankly even this genius of a Cat who writes books and who writes blogs doesn’t have any of them! But all the same I thought you my dear cuddly readers would giggle at the ridiculousness of our french cousins.

Personal Hairdressing In France

I believe that ‘french cousins’ are the cousins in a family that no one talks about you know the ‘special’ ones for whom everything is a challenge.

Big news, my wonderful masterpiece of second book (electronic and paper) ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ will be in book stores, on Amazon.com waiting for you to buy it in your thousands this coming week I believe. I will let you have more information as soon as I can but stand by with your pocketbooks open.

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Sep 192011
 

It’s really a very exciting day today. I am with my designers in New York going over the final selection of cover designs for my soon to be published second book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue.’

You know I was pleasantly surprised, the cover designs are all really nice, except one that is which uses the most unflattering photograph of me, I do hope that we don’t use that design!

Unfortunately I have discovered that I have a little problem and that problem is that book publishing is (according to my publisher) a collaborative endeavour so we will be using the cover that is chosen by the majority. Mmh what do you think about that dear cuddly reader, you know what they say about things chosen by committees don’t you!

I have to say it came as something of a shock to discover that publishing my book was a “collaborative endeavour” because I would like to know where the designers, my agent Mr. Todd A Leibowitz call me “Todd” and my publisher were when I was knee deep in some of the less attractive countries around the world and just how close they were from swooping in and rescuing me when a mob of Pakistani religious fools were after my ‘Bacon’ just because they thought I was Danish? Not close at all is the answer.

Still I’ll forgive them their stupidity if we “sell as many of these ponies as we did the last Buckaroo!” To quote my Agent Mr. Todd A Leibowitz call me “Todd.” We apparently will be in “millionsville” once again. What can I say? I am so pleased and of course confused.

I am afraid when I listen to my agent Mr. Todd A Leibowitz call me “Todd,” publisher and the designers all talking excitedly at once I feel a little handicapped, not by the fact that they are speaking American, a language which is very close to English the language I first learned when I started to write my first ‘unputdownable’ book, the trouble is that when I hear them all talking at once, firing buzz words into the conversation as if they were machine gun bullets at a we hate Saddam/Americans rally in Iraq I just can’t keep up, and worse every so often they clap a hi five above my head and shout “YAY” when they agree on something all of which is beyond me.

I just hope that the last hi five and round of “YAYS” wasn’t something to do with the committee choosing the design for the book! I feel I should ask but they are just too busy congratulating themselves currently. Maybe there will be time later, although after lunch I am being whisked out to the airport and sent home, yes my agent Mr. Todd A Leibowitz call me “Todd” is paying for my stay which is probably why it’s so short.

Anyway as soon as I can I will post the ‘winning’ design on my blog and hope that all my fans let me know what they think of it. I think it’s really a good idea to let my lovely fans see the cover of my new book in advance of publication because then they will know what to grab off the book store’s shelves.

Of course ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ will not only be available in your local bookstore it will also be available on Amazon.com as an ebook or a proper book and all of the other places you can possibly think of to get ebooks and the old style paper books.

The timing of publication is designed cleverly to catch the Christmas rush if the banks don’t bankrupt us all first! So please make sure that you buy at least two copies and one for your good self dear cuddly reader because they make excellent presents for everyone!

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Aug 152011
 

The Chinese XXXXX XXX XXXXXXXXX XXXXX XXXXX XXXXX. XXXX XXXXX XXXX
X XXXXXX, XXXXX XX XXXXXX XXX XXXXX XXX XX. XXXX XXXX, XXX XXX XX
XXX XXXXXX X XXXXX XXXXXXX XXXXX. XXXX XXXXXX XXXXXXX XX XXX XXXXXX
XXX XXXXXX XXXX. XXXXXXXXXXX XXXX XXX XXXXXXXX XX XXX XXX XXXXXXXX
XXXXXX.

XX XXXXXX XX XXXXX X XXX photograph I saw in China, XXXXXX XX XXXX XXXXXXXX XXXXXXX XXX XXXXXX
XX X XXXXXX XXXX XXX.

X XXXX XX XXX XXXXXXXX XXXXX idiots XXXXX XX XXXXXXXX XX XXXX XXXX XXXX XXX
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX.

X XX XXXX XXX XXXXXXX XX X XXXX XXXXX XX XXX XXX XXXXXX XXXX XXXXX XX
XXX X XX XXXX XXXXXXX XXX X XXX happily they can’t read English or indeed translate Chinese into English of course, just look at this picture taken in XX XXXXXX XXX X XX XX. Or do they simply use Google Translate? X XXX XXX, XXXXX X XXX!

CENSORED BY THE PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF CHINA

Throwing Caution China

Well dear reader as you can see China has agreed to sponsor my latest book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ and in accepting their sponsorship I have agreed to allow them to review all of my blog posts and delete the chapters dedicated to my travels in China from my wonderful book.

My sponsorship arrangements do extend to other countries and tends to work like this. I sent a copy of the relevant chapters to countries which I thought might be interested in ‘sponsoring’ me and in exchange for a large ‘consideration’ I will exclude their country from my unputdownable thriller of a book.

Unfortunately this practice has been describe by some of the more outraged countries as “blackmail” but to my way of thinking blackmail is a dirty word and I prefer sponsorship.

My sponsorship deals have had a significant impact on my book though and mean that the book is growing and shrinking more than an Accordian playing the Star Wars theme, it also means that if the countries in question stop providing their generous sponsorship my wonderful forthcoming book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ may well be one of very few books to actually get bigger with each imprint as my sponsors have been warned!

Having said that the word ‘sponsorship’ is nicer than ‘blackmail’ I have to say that the Bush administration truly knifed the word ‘sponsorship’ in the ribs at the rear didn’t it, when they started to describe countries as sponsors of terrorism. Odd really that you never saw a car bomber or indeed his car emblazoned with the logos of their sponsor countries!

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May 102011
 

Recently in a suburb of London it took twelve firefighters, a road closure, a water cannon and 30 hours…to rescue a KITTEN from a tree, and to this Cat that seems to be about the right number of humans, the appropriate amount of fuss and confusion to expend on something as precious as a Cat!

A dozen firefighters sealed off a road for 30 hours and eventually brought in a hydraulic hoist to rescue a Cleo a Kitten who had lost her way when climbing a tree and instead of climbing down had gone the wrong way and climbed almost all the way to the top of a 50ft tree.

The Tree

The wonderful, brave and patient firefighters at first used a water cannon to ‘encourage Cleo the Kitten to climb down the tree, not to knock her out of the tree it has to be stress but that only forced Cleo to climb higher up the tree – but then we all know about Cats and water don’t we?

It was only after the firefighters called in reinforcements and a ‘cherry picker-style’ hydraulic device, that a fearless fireman was able to grab Cleo and bring her back down to earth.

A Happy Ending

Before leaving the patient firemen advised the Kitten’s human to put wire mesh around the base of the tree so that the Cleo wouldn’t be able to climb up the tree and cause such a commotion in future.

The Cat’s Opinion

First I have to say that people who have Cats and trees in their garden and don’t want to repeat the palaver described above should do what the clever firefighters suggested and put Chicken Wire around the base of the tree.

Secondly I think that firefighters are just wonderful and should have their salaried doubled immediately.

Lastly as I said above, but it is worth saying again twelve firefighters, a road closure, a water cannon and 30 hours to rescue a Kitten from a tree, seems to be about the right number of humans, the appropriate amount of fuss and confusion to expend on something as precious as a Cat!

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

The Cat & Kindle

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May 052011
 

At the moment there are some pretty good holiday and short break deals to all sorts of interesting destinations and they are very cheap, so cheap these holidays seem to be almost like gifts – but like any gift horse do look at the dental records first before you book anything.

The giveaway holiday destinations include Bahrain, Egypt, Morocco and other really rather volatile destinations where the locals have either that had or are having a little bit of a revolution, and have dusted off their Kalashnikov’s and taken to the streets to demand things – who knows what they are demanding and they don’t really know either but they seem to be enjoying themselves all the same.

Obviously considering any one of a number of Arab states where currently not all the shooting is into the air is a little dumb even if the price is extremely good because the likelihood of not everyone in your holiday party returning home suntanned and fit is rather high and semi-automatic bullets tend to make laundry very expensive. But there are other reasons for not holidaying in these dreadful places even if the people weren’t rioting and the reason is below.

Here is a picture I took while researching my latest blockbuster of a book – “My Travelogue.” The picture is of a top of the range toilet roadside in Tunisia, please note the various ‘classes’ of toilet from “Normal” to “Confoo” and onto the three star “Deluxe.” Of course all of these conveniences are believed by the Tunisian proprietor to be “Toilettes Confortable” which sounds like a sort of soft aftershave on paper at least!

Top of the Pile in Tunisia

Imagine the brain of the architect that ‘comes up’ (you couldn’t call it designing could you) with this block of conveniences! The two on the lefthand end are, I presume, for the poor and the cheapest is probably the one without a door. It is also possible that the doorless toilet is for poor people who are small – the Disney style height gauge nailed across the entrance is the clue there!

What is really worrying about this picture is what the Tunisians consider to be “Deluxe” the blue door on the right offers an entrance to the best toilet in the area and that says it all!

Just think, this is the only toilet for several hundred miles in any direction! And it’s a chilling thought isn’t it and the chill deepens when you consider the state of the places behind the doors!

I am not even going to describe what was there because I am a nice Cat and statements like “shit covered walls” are just not my style and neither is “dirty Arab bastards” for that matter.

Finally I leave you to guess exactly what the rolls of ‘stuff’ are that lie to the right of the cosy broken toilet block or to consider just how the area, for half a mile around, smells because of course there aren’t any sewers in the area.

The best and safest thing you can do to save money this year and help the country’s economy into the bargain is to holiday at home and then you won’t get shot at or poisoned by cheap Arab holidays or indeed catch dysentery from toilets that were obviously inspired by Indian architects and sewerage engineers.

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Apr 052011
 

Zuma img 2

If you like balls and Frogs have I got the perfect games for you!

All you have to do is to shoot lots of different coloured balls from the Frog’s mouth at a growing line of coloured balls to make them all disappear. Zuma is simple, addictive and the most fun you can have with a Frog and still stay on the right side of the law.

If you want to play wonderfully addictive free on-line game online then simply click here Zuma or you can go to my games page here on my www.wickedly wonderful website My Games Page.

If you don’t like weblinks and who can blame you then just copy and paste this web address into your browser http://www.thecatsdiary.com/games.php.

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Zuma