Tag Archives: The Cat

Only A Dog Could Be This Daft!

Just look what this dumb Dog did!

Rebel an eight month old German Shepherd Dog was heading for trouble when he decided to check out an interesting looking hole in the wall.

As you can see from the first picture ‘clever’ Rebel somehow managed to squeeze his head into a really small hole in the wall of his garden in Los Angeles, California, and then the curious bone headed bow-wow got his head well and truly stuck.

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Unfortunately Rebel’s owner was out and it was only when a friend of the owner heard Rebel whining, whimpering and generally expressing a wish not to have his head sticking out of the wall that he found the pitiful pup, in what could be described as “a bit of a tight spot” he took pity on him and called the authorities.

County Animal Services officers arrived and decided the Dog was not in serious danger and obviously thought that the dim Doggie was making a song and a dance out of his predicament so they decided that if Rebel could get his head into the hole then he could jolly well get his head out of the same hole – with a bit of help of course.

Obviously the County Animal Services officers’ main concern was not to hurt Rebel, with officers on either side of the wall, they tucked in the silly pup’s ears and gently pulled him back and forth for about 30 minutes before they managed to free him.

Happily no one, either canine or human was hurt and as you can see from the next picture Rebel seems to have rather enjoyed the experience, proving that Dogs are really very dumb!

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Well I don’t know about ‘a rebel without a cause,’ this Cat would say the this was ‘a Rebel without a clue.’

Sadly I have a lot of experience with German Shepherd Dogs and I would caution anyone who believes that German Shepherd Dogs are ‘intelligent’ they really aren’t and the ones that appear to be are pretending I promise, as you will know if you have read any of my blogs, my book or indeed my www – wickedly wonderful website my German Shepherd Dog ‘Ben’ is how can I put this in the most flattering way possible err – ‘challenged.’

If you didn’t get my book for Christmas don’t worry there are plenty here Amazon.com or if you want you can order one from my website here www.thecatsdiary.com.

I hope that eventually everyone will have a copy of my book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and not only because that will make me ‘J-K-Rowling-Rich’ but also because unlike Harry Potter my books will make you laugh and therefore the world a brighter place.

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Some Red Signs!

Obviously if you see a sign and it is printed in red it has to be important!

Here are two of the most ‘important’ signs I have ever seen.

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PS

The Circus sign comes from Austria – you think they would know better wouldn’t you? I won’t even bother to tell you where your children, if left unattended, will be sold to the Circus because the writing is a dead give away and the Chinese are not only really dreadful at manufacturing err ‘anything’ they are really rather cruel. Oops I seem to have told you the country anyway – silly me!

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet such as.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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10 Great Things About Being A Cat

As the New Year approaches and I complete my list of people who have made my life a little brighter and of course vice versa I seem to have slipped into reflective mode and while there I have been thinking just how wonderful it is to be a Cat and of course in particular how wonderful it is to be ‘this Cat.’

All of which led me to the title of this little blog, in fact to tell the truth I could have come up with a list of 100’s of great things about being a Cat which involve things such as not being a Dog.

But I know just how short the average human attention span is (I only have to look at the average length of a visit to my www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com; and so a list of 10 great things about being a Cat seems about right and better still for those humans still reading I’m going to publish the ’10 Great things about being a Cat’ or indeed ’10 best things about being a Cat’ depending upon how you look at it, occasionally and here as logic dictates is the first great thing about being a Cat.

1. Cats don’t have fingerprints like humans.

Fingerprint.pngAt first if you are keen on the human philosophy of ‘identity’ and ‘self’ and indeed ‘self importance’ then the lack of fingerprints seems not to be an advantage, but if like most Cats you like to go to places that are how can I put this “off limits” then not having fingerprints is a distinct advantage.

Imagine being able to rife an ex-partners apartment and not leaving an incriminating mark! Imagine being able to permanently ‘borrow’ shiny, useful, expensive objects and quickly call them your own. No wonder humans are often envious of Cats.

The benefits go on and on but I think I should stop there and let your imagination take over – I don’t want my nice cuddly readers to think that this Cat is err, how can I put it – ‘has criminal tendencies’ do I!

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The Happiest Of Christmases To You

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Although I am a superstar and probably now ‘bigger’ than John Lennon – a reference which I hope my older will appreciate and of course before they throw rotten tomatoes at me is a joke – I never forget the people who have helped me become ‘immense.’

Not only would I like to thank Ginger, Bert the Black and White Cat and of course Dave the Cat I would like to thank all of my loyal and adoring fans who I hope like me because I am a great writer and make them laugh and not only because I can act like a very warm furry stole on their knees which is handy now that the dead fur stole variety is out of fashion. Which of course makes me wonder whatever happened to all of the queen of England’s furs? She had an amazing collection and presumably inherited her Mum’s even bigger collection.

So after getting side tracked a little I would like to say “thank you to all my fans and the three aforementioned moggies, this year has been a wonderful ‘whirlwind’ and next year with all of your help I am expecting a ‘tornado’ of a year especially with the new book.

I sincerely hope that your Christmas is as good as the one I will have and that the new year brings everything that we hope it will.

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MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL

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About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Thanks & Happy Christmas

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So as in most households over the world the presents are wrapped, the tree is dressed and is twinkling and makes strange robotic Christmas Carol sounds, the vegetables stored, most of the chores are done and the Turkey is looking decidedly worried and keeps checking the calendar.

We, it would appear are ready for Christmas and that means that we have a few guests here at Cat World HQ and a place will be set at our table of a few good friends and of course some of the relatives that either no one else will entertain and indeed they must have came up with much better excuses for not inviting to their Christmas lunches.

It is at moments like this when you are surrounded by family and friends that Cats like me want to escape, but unfortunately that’s not always possible and so one has to get on with it – Cats can’t grin and bear it because ‘grinning’ is very much like smiling and that of course as I have explained a few times on my wonderful blog and in my peerless masterpiece of feline literature, ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cats Diary,’ is because ‘smiling’ and don’t forget ‘grinning’ makes Cats look sinister.

So before I lose the plot and the point of this blog I would like to just take a moment to thank everyone who has bought, read and liked my book and been kind enough to leave such nice comments about it and of course done the same with my blog.

I would also like to thank all of my fans for so much because I know the best way to show appreciation these days is with loyalty and last but by no means least I want to mention my ‘special’ but never retarded friends, Ginger, Dave the Cat and Bert the Black and White Cat who individually and as a rather shabby group make me smile when I report to a wider world the things that they do. Each one has a special place here at Cat World HQ the trouble is that they won’t stay in it.

It is possible that I could go on forever thanking people and patting them on the back, massage a few egos and generally sound all smarmy but I think I will save that for my Oscar speech because I have just thought of something that happened years ago, it made me laugh and I hope that it raises a smile with you.

Back in the days when television wasn’t quite tuned in properly and the pictures always seemed to be in black and white I was minding my own business dozing lightly on the arm of a sofa thinking to myself that someone aught to tune the TV in properly so that the picture was in colour when a Dog race started and I forgot all about the complaint I was going to make.

I was transfixed, here before my eyes was the perfect use for Dogs but as with all things Doggie after a few minutes of barking and racing around a track trying to catch what was obviously an ‘electric bunny’ and never going to be caught I started to lose interest.

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It might have been minutes or hours later, I am not sure, but when I woke up the races were over and a winner had won something called ‘The Grandstand Greyhound Cup’ which was odd because even in black and white I could see that not all of the hounds were grey. Oddly enough appears to be a sort of race of superfast racing Dogs and not a description of the colour of their fur

As with all sporting events it wasn’t the winner who was being interviewed it was the trainer, but then an interview on live TV with a Dog might not be as funny as what happened next.

The trainer of the winning ‘Greyhound’ was doing what trainers of athletes, no matter whether they are human, equine or canine, do – he was taking all of the credit. But this trainer had several handicaps, he was overcome with emotion, he was on live TV and he was Irish.

When asked the question “I suppose you have a lot of people who you would like to thank!” – which of course wasn’t a question, the trainer’s mind either went blank but he was being ‘interviewed on TV’ and we all know that if someone points a TV camera at you, holds out a microphone and asks a question they they must be important and deserve an answer if you don’t believe me just ask a TV reporter or interviewer they will tell you they are.

So with the glare of the TV lights on him and the Greyhound loving world holding their breath to hear what the trainer had to say, he said.

“Yes that’s right I have a lot of people to thank!” The interviewer wanted more though and waited patiently for the trainer to continue – he didn’t and a few glorious embarrassing seconds of live TV ticked by.

The interviewer cracked first as the crowd around him surged and swelled. “There must be one person who you would like to thank above all!”

“Yes that right there is!” Replied the trainer.

“One person who you owe it all to.” It was clear that the TV interviewer knew more about this mystery person than the trainer.

The trainer closed his eyes for a moment in what might have been confused as thought to the causal viewer but was really due to another surge from the crowd of people surrounding the cameras wishing to be filmed on live TV.

Suddenly the trainer remembered that he indeed ‘had’ to thank someone special, someone in particular for his success which is just what he did next.

“I would like to thank someone very special.” It was obvious that he had started the sentence well. “That someone has ensured that we were successful tonight.” He paused. “That special person is why we are here now.”

The crowd were excited they wanted to hear who this very special person was, millions of TV viewers held their breath and the interviewer pushed his microphone closer the the Irishman’s lips.

“I would like to thank that special person for everything he has done. I can’t remember his name at the moment but I owe everything to him.”

Can you imagine Johnny Depp or Kate Winslet at the Oscars or Ange Jolie or little Brad Pitt at some fashion award ceremony giving a speech like that? Of course not, but then those simple uncomplicated days of black and white TV are gone forever and that is a little bit of a shame because memories are like the stars that make them these days ‘instant.’

Happy Christmas to everyone I hope to keep you all smiling and laughing for a long time to come.

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet such as.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Signs That Make You Laugh

Most of the photographs of signs that ‘friends’ send me or I have ‘snapped’ on my travels are from countries where English is probably not even a second language and where speakers of our (well my adopted) tongue twisting language try their very hardest to create a sign that is understood by the rest of the planet and of course fail.

But even if those brave souls who spend such a long time scratching their heads trying as hard as the can to communicate in English fail surely there is no excuse for people who have spent their life speaking, and one hopes writing, English is there? And with that question I bring you a photograph of a sign from a small village in England; mmh 1 out of ten and that mark was only awarded because the writer had remembered to bring paper!

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Of course the next picture is one, for me at least, to treasure! As an author I have always been interested in any place, house or indeed flat where there is a sign that says that the author of ‘Great Expectations’ and so many other wonderful books lived. And as someone who is that interested in old Charlie I am never disappointed because he was always one step ahead of the debtors and moved around an awful lot.

Still I had, until now of course, never seen his birthplace, no wonder Charlie wrote so eloquently about poverty, he was born at a bus stop! Knowing that explains a lot!

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Today’s last and in my opinion oddest sign comes from the good people of Egypt where one feels that they don’t really know about Prawns and that in this Cat’s book is a crime and even putting aside what can only be described as the ‘peculiar’ sandwich on the right the one on the left look awful, those Prawns have never been shown a grill have they?

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About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet such as www.pawsperouspets.com.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Is It So Hard?

You would think that if a Mouse and a Cat could make peace at Christmas and agree to share the same territory for their mutual benefit (in this case a Christmas tree) then you would expect no less than all of the argumentative humans around the world especially the ones who allegedly believe in ‘peace.’

And frankly I’m not going to waste my breath on pointing out who needs to try and live peacefully either with their neighbours or indeed with the rest of the world – you all know who you are!

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All I will say is that all of you ‘intelligent’ humans could do better and follow the example of us ‘dumb’ animals.

About the Genius Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in history, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

The Cat & Kindle.png

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Can’t Get Out For Xmas Shopping? Don’t Panic!

It sounds as though my fans in the UK (especially) but all across europe are having a torrid time trying to do just a little bit of Christmas shopping.

The UK seems to have suffered worst of all and there is panic breaking out to do last minute shopping for Christmas according to all of the major newspapers and that is where this clever Cat can come to the rescue – by delivering all of your gift requirements before Christmas with my very cunning plan.

My cunning plan, like all good plans since the Norman invasion of England in 1066 is simple – then it was bash everyone on the head and take over – but this plan is less Gallic and violent and so simple it will work like a dream and the result will be that everyone gets a gift at Christmas even though people can’t get to the shops.

The first part of my very cunning plan is to go to my either my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com or Amazon.com and download an ebook of my masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary,’ my site has them in lots of options including a pdf version which can be read on any computer no only ebook readers and of course Amazon.com have the peerless Kindle.

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The second part of my plan is possibly even better and more cunning than the first part and you have to admit just the first part of the plan was a winner!

Everyone knows that although electronic or ebooks are wonderful, easy to read, weight nothing, immediate and best of all you can get thousands of them on your reader, there is nothing like being able to give someone a present that is wrapped up and to watch them unwrap present on Christmas morning their eyes growing wide and their complete joy as they realise that you have given them a copy of my amazing book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary.’

So while you are following the first part of this very cunning plan and ordering the moderately priced ebook, which of course can be delivered immediately, simply order a copy of my amazing book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ at the same time from either my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com or Amazon.com for the same person, that way even if you can’t get to the shops, or copies of my book can’t be delivered because of the snow or any other disasters natural or unnatural, you will be able to wrap my book when you get it and happily give it to someone safe in the knowledge that they are already reading your first present a copy of my brilliant ebook.

Just for you from now until Christmas morning I have a team of people working 24/7 ready here at Cat World HQ to take your order and then send you the ebooks you need and the great thing about my shop here my online store is open 24/7 and if you don’t like clicking links just copy and paste this address into you browser to be whisked to my store – http://www.thecatsdiary.com/store.

Here at my brilliant store, which as I said is open 24/7 until Christmas morning, we not only offer a guaranteed service backed up personally by me – The Cat but we also take all major credit cards and you can if you wish pay using the excellent and safe Paypal payment system. And of course we can send the ebooks immediately to any email address anywhere meaning your gift will be guaranteed to be delivered before Christmas.

Oh and my translator Mr. John Woodcock also asked – well begged – me to tell you about a pair of his ebooks which I graciously sell online at my store ‘Trams of Prague – Tram No 6’

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‘Astromouse’

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If you want to have a look at either of these excellent books or read a synopsis then simply click here my online store is open 24/7 or as I said above if you don’t like clicking links just copy and paste this address into you browser to be whisked to my store – http://www.thecatsdiary.com/store I am sure that anyone would love any all or all of the ebooks that you can find at my amazing store.

So once again this clever Cat comes to the rescue and makes the difference between not having something to give someone at Christmas and being able to give on ‘the day’ and then remember ‘the day’ afterwards when you watch someone open their second present.

I wish you all a warm and very Happy Christmas!

PS

I watched George Clooney in ‘The American’ last night and here’s a tip if you haven’t seen it – don’t bother it’s dreadful! The best thing about the movie is George’s hair cut though unfortunately his side burns are like the movie is far too long! Even the Italian scenery is dull, grey and dreary – and that is an amazing cinematographic accomplishment because Italian countryside is normally lovely.

The Cat’s tip for the holiday season until my movie comes out is ‘Despicable Me’ it’s fun, funny and everyone can watch it and find something to enjoy!

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet such as www.pawsperouspets.com.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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We All Believe In Something!

As the title of this blog says “we all believe in something!” You humans believe in a white bearded, chubby old fella in a red suit with a posse of elves and little helpers, this old fella in the red suit is not very organised and instead of delivering presents over a period of a year he chases around on Christmas Eve trying and hopefully succeeding to deliver presents to children the world over in one night.

On the other paw we Cats believe in ‘Santa Cat’ who isn’t that chubby but does wear a red suit, fortunately we Cats don’t believe that all presents should be delivered on the same day and so as you can see Santa Cat is able to work in a very relaxed manner.

Actually I am really excited because just as with ‘your’ Santa our Santa Cat is rarely seen and almost never photograph and so when I came across a picture of Santa Cat on the internet I was not only astonished but excited, obviously the reason why we Cats rarely see Santa Cat is because he is almost always curled up somewhere comfortable catching up on sleep he would have missed by briefly waking up, stretching, yawning and falling asleep again.

I’m so excited I thought that I should share the picture with you especially as Christmas is almost upon us and I expect your Santa’s blood pressure is at record levels. Have a very Merry Christmas!

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About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet such as www.pawsperouspets.com.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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A Very Big Thank You From A Humble Cat

“Here is a very big thank you from a humble but good looking Cat,” there that is a better description of my good self, I wanted to add clever, genius, wonderful and so much more but frankly it seemed a little ‘mauve’ of me. But having said that the ‘thank you’ is very, very sincere – I won’t smile here and if you are reading (or have read) my book I know you will know why – Cat’s look just a little sinister when we smile unfortunately – I personally think it is the teeth some say it’s the whiskers though.

I’m thanking everyone who has bought my book and launched it, and in turn me, into the rarified atmosphere of the top 100 books on Amazon.com.

So of course we are celebrating here at Cat World HQ now that my book is where it belongs in the top 100 humour books on Amazon.com

It goes without saying that I will be delighted if you all leave glowing reviews after you have read it and of course make sure that you bully your friends to go to Amazon.com and order my book – and you can still get it before Christmas, which is pretty good isn’t it?

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So thanks again I do really appreciate you all spending your hard earned folding stuff on the work of a wonderful and tremendously talented Cat – I hope you do exactly what I intend with the book and laugh until you have to put it down and look on the internet for a cure of hiccups!

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