Tag Archives: The Cat

More икра comrade?

икра is good! Mmh should I add ‘comrade’ there or should I first explain what ‘икра’ this strange collection of back to front letters is for those of my readers who are just a little hard of understanding and or can’t read Russian!

Well’икра’ is this (in the picture below) and the ‘икра’ or ‘Caviar’ I am currently up to my eyes in is ‘red’ as you can see.

Caviar

Don’t get me wrong though just because currently my snout is more than covered in икра doesn’t mean I haven’t forgotten about my first love, Prawns and what could be better than the bowl I am about to move onto now (also pictured below). Ok yes I agree what could be better is at least a dozen bowls of what I am about to move onto now of course.

Prawns for me

Have you guessed where I am yet or what I am going to do today? Well I’m in Moscow (that is the easy part to guess) at the moment and as it is a rather chilly 6 degrees ‘C’ and rather cloudy I thought I would sneak into a little restaurant and treat myself. I’ll tell you the harder bit to guess in a moment bout first a bit about Moscow.

Moscow is rather nice but frankly they should turn the heaters on because six degrees of anything is cold especially at around 10 in the morning, but the restaurant is open and they seem to have an endless supply of fishy things and so I don’t really dislike Moscow especially as the Russians are treating this little comrade and doing something Russians find almost as difficult as putting the cap back on a bottle of Vodka – they are ‘paying.’

But then if anyone wants a legendary feline author to visit their city and its shops to pawtograph copies of (what is to them) my latest book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ in their ‘книжный магазин’ or book shops then they have to expect to shell out on mountains of seafood especially Prawns don’t they!

Apparently I am already a giant in the Russian literary world and people are saying that I should write my book in the same place that Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn wrote one of his blockbusters the Gulag Archipelago! Now frankly I have never heard of Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn or ever been tempted to read any Russian joke books (I presume that he writes comedy like me) but I rather fancy the idea of spending a few weeks on a sunny chain of islands don’t you? Well so long as the archipelago in question isn’t around Scotland which has over 700 islands offshore!


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Easter and how it affects Chocolate Bunnies

You have to feel sorry for all of the Chocolate Bunnies around the world who gave their ‘everything’ to make this Easter and of course for the one that came a week or so later, if your religion disagrees with the one that has just celebrated Easter!

My Bum Hurts

As I watched so many Chocolate Bunnies get eaten I started to wonder just how many Chocolate Bunnies have been eaten this Easter and so I asked that ever ‘reliable’ source of information on the internet (Truthful Sarcasm Alert) – Google. And as Google has no idea about anything except advertising I was directed to one of their most successful customers an ‘august’ body, who’s advice, along with anything suggested by Google, I wouldn’t use to save a life – Huffington Post.

According to Huff Huffington Post “‘approximately’ (a lovely vague word don’t you think?) 90 million Chocolate Bunnies eaten this Easter,” it has to be said that this figure of munched Bunnies obviously accounts for the number of Chocolate Bunnies devoured by the folk who believe that Easter comes at least a week before the other bunch of Christians, who in turn prefer their Easter and indeed all of their religious holidays to come sometime later in the year.

While dawdling on the internet I also noticed that 74% of American children believe chocolate bunnies should be eaten ears first! Although another source said that figure was actually 76% but then again that website was one of those awful sites that offers ‘answers’ together with ‘Phosphate for sale’ on the page I was reading.

After a short while of reading so many ‘interesting’ web pages I dozed off and woke up to discover that I had arrived at a web page owned by Newport Television LLC or more to the point Local 12 which is WKRC Cincinnati and we all know who they are right? You know it’s amazing what a sleepy Cat’s paw can do for a boring web search.

Now Local 12 was running a little competition where bored viewers tired of watching dreadful television programmes (and I am not suggesting here that those programmes are anything to do with Local 12 of course which I think might be a TV station in Cincinnati) can read ‘interesting’ facts and something called a “Freeze Warning” which rather disappointedly said that the “”Freeze warning” was going to expire at 9.00 am.”

Bunnie

Anyway I digress and if you read my books you will be used to that sort of thing. Back to Chocolate Bunnies but actually staying with Local 12 or their website at least. As I said above there was a competition running to see if viewers either knew or cared about the answer to the question “Approximately how many chocolate bunnies are made each year?”

Oddly enough the rest of the website after the title which was in normal sensible and most of all readable mixture of upper and lowercase letters was from there on all written in capitals, as it first of all told anyone who didn’t know that “this Sunday was Easter Sunday” and then asked a repeat of the title or more to the point – “Approximately how many chocolate bunnies are made each year?”

Excited readers or is it viewers? No it must be visitors were given a choice of three possible answers neatly arranged in a column as answers 1,2,3 like so:-

1- 22.5 MILLION

2- 45 MILLION

3- 90 MILLION

Then just below without a hint of mystery and to ensure that the question wasn’t too difficult for anyone who might be viewing the page was the answer and happily for us a credit as to where Local 12 got the information.

“According to the website for the National Confectioners Association, candyusa.com, 90 million chocolate Easter bunnies are made for Easter each year.” I have out of courtesy to my readers changed the text from all capitals to something more readable and sensible.

Actually there was more information from those obviously good people at National Confectioners Association after the obvious answer and as it’s mildly informative I though I would share it with you:-

“Here are some other sweet facts about the holiday: 16 billion Jelly Beans are made for Easter, red is the favorite Jelly Bean color for children, and 76% of people eat the ears on Chocolate Bunnies first.”

Again I have changed the capitals to something more readable but I have left the misspelt words like ‘colour’ and ‘favourite’ because sometimes it’s quite nice not to see the French influence in our shared language. Although of course I would usually moan about the American mangling of my beautiful language but at the moment a thought has just struck me and that is if the really useful information above came from the National Confectioners Association, and their web address is www.candyusa.org then maybe the information about eating Easter Bunnies is not very accurate as it probably only applies to the country that sometimes thinks that it’s the whole of the world namely the good ‘olde’ US of A.

All of which means that the true number of Easter Bunnies eaten at Easter probably will never be known and I for one have decided that I don’t really care because I have become rather bored with the whole Easter Bunny project and frankly am glad that not being an Orthodox anything I can have almost a whole year off between now and Easter.

Incidentally I checked out the website www.candyusa.com and it didn’t load in my browser which is odd but when I did a little checking I discovered that the good people at Local 12 had used .com and not .org which is the correct address tisk tisk! But sadly even when I used the correct web address – www.candyusa.org the site still didn’t load!

Easter Bunnies


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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It’s ‘Flea Time’ so look after your Kittens

Kitten

This unlike most of my writing in books and blogs is not a work of comic genius but (I hope) an informative article that will save the lives of more than one Kitten because I have noticed that the vast global conglomerates who make Flea spray are advertising their products so Flea time has come around again and we are all about to get sprayed with pesticides most of which would be banned if they were used on humans.

What my rather eye catching headline means is this. Ok we all get Fleas because we have fur coats, or are like Hedgehogs and live outside, but that is no reason for you humans to reach for a can of Flea spray without first thinking and definitely reading this article for some helpful hints and tips before you start to mist up every Kitty in sight.

Why you may ask is this Cat getting all serious, well the answer is pretty simple, if you use Flea spray or Flea powder on a Kitten there is a good chance that you will kill it, because kittens are really very fragile.

Ok call me a “daft Cat, Fleas have to be got rid of!” I hear you mumble. Well you are right and there are ways to get rid of Fleas in young Kittens without getting rid of the Kitten permanently.

As you humans may or may not know Fleas can actually do young Kittens a lot of harm, they can cause death by Anaemia and of course that means that Fleas have to be dealt with quickly and efficiently.

If your Kitten or Kittens are with their Mum and nursing it’s more than likely that Mum has a Flea problem so the first thing you need to do is to treat her, when she is taking a break from looking after her Kittens if you can. If there are other cats or dogs in the household you need to treat all pets and also your house.

Not many people know that the safest way to treat a Kitten under 6 weeks of age for Fleas is simply to give them a bath in warm water and a very mild shampoo like a baby one, then just pick off the Fleas that don’t jump ship so to speak.

Most mild shampoos can be effective against Fleas and will kill them quickly which just water won’t. When you wash a Kitten or indeed a Cat the best way to do it is in the kitchen sink, gently dip the Kitten in the water and then using your hand pour water over their fur then gently rub in the shampoo around the neck, face, head, ears, and under the chin.

I can’t stress this enough do please be careful not to get soap in the Kitten’s eyes. You may notice that Fleas are not daft and as your Kitten gets wet they will scurry up the Kitten’s body heading for the high dry ground of the head area you can stop this by carefully washing the head but don’t forget what I said about the eyes.

Web Design Kittens

While you change the water to rinse your Kitten wrap your Kitten in a blanket change the water and then carefully and gently put your Kitten back into the water with most of the Kitten’s body underwater and leave the Kitten like that for a few minutes to drown as many Fleas as you can.

It almost goes without saying, but I know you humans are a little hard of understanding so I will say it having two people wash a Kitten makes life a lot easier, one to hold the Kitten and the other to wash, and of course two humans almost equal a Kitten in Brainpower – well that is what I have found tee hee.

The things to remember when washing a Kitten are.

1. Don’t let the Kitten get cold

2. Don’t let the Kitten’s head go underwater

3. Don’t get shampoo in the Kitten’s eyes

4. Kittens can break so be gentle

After you have given your Kitten a bath use a flea comb. If you don’t own a Flea comb then the good news is that they are cheap to buy and very effective and will get all of the Fleas that have been clever enough to stay in the Kittens fur in spite of the bath.

The best time to comb your Kitten is it’s still damp. Just comb over his body with a flea comb and then pick off the last of the Fleas while they are struggling to get away through the damp hair.

It’s a good idea to have a container of boiling water handy so that you can drop the fleas into it as you catch the little blighter.

I promise that hot water is best because I remember as a Kitten watching Fleas actually jump out of cold water. Another idea is to have some sticky tape placed sticky side up and put the captured fleas on this. Combing may be easier on a shorthair kitten than a longhair one.

The things to make this easier.

1. You can put some Vaseline at the bottom of the comb’s teeth. It will stop the Fleas escaping the comb

2. Put a little Vaseline on the tip of your fingers that is you see a Flea on your kitten you can dab it quickly with a blob. I know it sounds as though I am pulling both of your legs but I assure you that it will stop the Flea from running away and so make it much easier for you to catch the Flea.

Kittens 3


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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As the recession bites in Spain ordinary people make do

Around the world saving money to even ‘attempt’ to balance the family budget is difficult these days and sadly so many people fail because of the banker’s balls ups and politicians inept attempts to make life better.

Recently in Spain I saw a perfect example of people like you and um… you, well not me because I am a Cat remember, trying so very hard to make a delicious meal (or in this case dessert) out of, um what on Earth do you call the ingredient they used, oh yes an ‘uncommon’ ingredient!

As The Recession Bites People Turn

How yummy Scum Ice Cream, where do you think the ‘scum’ comes from the London rioters? Politicians? Or Bankers? Or, as I think for what my thoughts are worth a coulis blended of all of them.

Can you imagine what that tastes like? No neither can I!


About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Snowball is waiting for a letter

Petrified postmen are currently refusing to deliver mail to a house in Peterborough, UK, after being repeatedly attacked by what some describe as a terrible unseen sharp clawed monster which lies in wait for them behind a front door in a normal suburban street which roughly translated from Postman speak means a tiny Cat.

3yr old Snowball actually stands a ‘towering’ 10 inches off the ground (on two paws) but don’t for goodness sake tell him he isn’t that impressive when he’s rearing up to his full height, rather than being what his owner describes as ‘harmless and playful’ because Snowball might scratch your finger as he does when an unsuspecting Postie who posts letters through the door.

Fighting Snowball

Bearing in mind just how ‘harmless and playful’ Snowball’s owner believes him to be, imagine how shocked he was to get a letter from the UK’s Royal Mail telling him his little pet was a ‘health and safety risk’ after a postman’s finger was scratched while putting mail through the letterbox. The Royal Mail letter went on to claim that Snowball posed an ‘unacceptably high level of risk’ and was a ‘potential hazard.’ Bless him!

The long letter explained that 3 postmen had been attacked and one poor postie had suffered ‘quite deep’ cuts to a finger after delivering to Snowball’s home in Peterborough, Cambridgeshire, UK.

Trying not to laugh as he read the letter Snowball’s owner discovered that following a complaint by one of its staff, The Royal Mail conducted a health and safety assessment and decided, in their opinion, that it was just too risky to deliver post to Snowball’s house any more.

The Royal Mail’s officials said deliveries would be suspended until Snowball’s owner finds a way to stop Snowball mauling its postmen or an ‘alternative safe delivery point’ is put in place.

Currently as you can see below Snowball is still waiting for a postman to pop a letter and a finger through his letter box! Tee hee!

Cat looking through letter box


About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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One of The Most dangerous Places in India

Here is a jolly place that is worth a visit if you happen to be tricked into visiting India and if anyone knows what a “Psycho Homoeo” is, this inquisitive Cat would be grateful to know because this much travelled Cat has absolutely no idea. All this Cat knows is that humans are strange.

One of The Most dangerous Places in India

Speaking of strange humans does anyone know why this coming Friday is called “Good Friday?” I know that in the old days when the latest iPad was made of slate the word ‘good’ had a sort of pious meaning, and therefore was a holy word, but these days when iPads are overheating on laps across the world the word ‘good’ means um… err… oh yes – something not made in China surely?

Let’s face it to call the day on which christians say the head of their religion became a martyr can hardly be described as a ‘good’ day these days with our current understanding of the word ‘good.’ Maybe we should look at changing the name of Good Friday, but to what though? That is a good question, oh I know how about Cross Day!

All of which goes to show that if all of you humans are not mad a fair proportion of you must be in this Cat’s opinion tee hee! Still what do I know when I typed ‘Good Friday’ for the first time above I actually missed of the ‘d’ from the word ‘good’ and so I called the sacred day ‘Goo Friday’ first oops silly old Cat! I blame the paws though.


About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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A Museum that will shock you!

When Mrs. Anonymous (who I have to say I don’t know) sent me this picture from Cape Town someone had to explain the subject of this Museum to me because when I opened the file I had no idea what treasures were hidden behind the doors of the Natale Labia Museum.

Cape Town s Labia Museum

Now I know though and frankly I wish I didn’t!

Changing the subject – quickly – I hear from my publisher that the ebook versions of my wonderful books ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary‘ and ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ will soon be available at the Apple Bookstore, the Sony Bookstore and on something called Kobo – whoopee I say if it means that more of the folding stuff comes in, or should that be – wonderful news that my books are available to a wider audience, well I suppose so, although the extra cash sounds nice too!

As you would expect from one of the world’s foremost self-promotionalists I will keep you informed of the developments as and when they happen so that you can buy my books at these great retailers as well as on www.Amazon.co.uk and www.amazon.com to say nothing of the shop at my www wickedlywonderfulwebsite My Store although because it is a beautifully designed website and very posh I call that page my ‘store’ which has a certain ring to it like um… Apple Store.


About the Author – The Cat who writes blogs!

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Dare you book a holiday with this travel agent?

If you live fast then you may want to use this travel agent! Based in Seoul, Korea and Swansea (obviously) Dai Young Travel never fail to deliver death defying holidays with their partner airline which is obviously JetBlue.

Dai Young Travel

JetBlue I hear you cry, where is the joke in that? Well my cuddly boys and girls if you read the paper you would have read all about the fun and games laid on by the pilot of the JetBlue flight from JFK to Las Vegas as the ranting pilot was pinned down by passengers, one of whom then made an emergency landing in Amarillo Texas.

JetBlue

I could of course have added a picture of the poor unfortunate devil being ‘de-planed’ (as they used to say) strapped to a gurney and screaming, but I thought that was a little sick and so my dear cuddly readers you will have to be content with a picture above. Of course if you want to witness the poor devils suffering you can turn to any national newspaper and of course Google or YouTube who all obviously have much lower standards than this Cat.

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HillBilly Humour

HillBilly Humour
Well that is one way to deal with Junk Mail, I wonder what they do to all of the spam that Google’s Gmail attracts?


About the Author – The Cat who writes blogs!

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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It’s Monday

It happens every week, well it has happened so far every week since I was born and I expect (based on evidenced gained from various calendars and enormous research to see if they all said the same) that it is going to happen every day, about this time of the week, for the rest of my life and dare I say ‘yours’ if I may be so bold. It’s Monday!

This Monday is bright sunny, a bit nippy and promises to be rather special if not a little long as it is 6.20 am EST.

I have saluted the flag that is usually the Euro flag flying above the studios here in Barrandov, but is so tightly wrapped around the flagpole it looks as though it had a bit of a fright in the night, and now I am heading off to my studio to create some feline themed magic, wish me luck!

Barrandov Studios

Of course when I took this picture there was an unexpected gust of wind (not Feline) and the flag in question (the one on the right) decided to billow, they do that don’t they? Flags. Still as they say that is life.

On this day:

Did you know that on this day 26th of March 1612 absolutely nothing that could be considered interesting or noteworthy whatsoever happened. Trust me to start a series entitled ‘on this day’ and pick a day where nothing of interest happened!


About the Author – The Cat who writes blogs!

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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