Tag Archives: The Cat

The Cat Goes To The Mystic East And Starves!

As the title says I have been to the mystic east – they call it that because no one knows what they are doing and therefore daily life is as much a mystery to the people there as it is to the casual tourist!

Having said that I loved Japan and its exotic mystery but when it comes to food the mystery deepens and frankly I was just to confused to eat to say nothing of being afraid of the descriptions of the food.

Here are two examples of ‘simple’ (you would think) juice and ice cream treats available in Tokyo.

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Cool what?

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Bluebelly lovely!

Things got worst I have to say when I went to Hong Kong, Dave the Cat had wandered off which is why this menu seemed somehow ominous.

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Braised fresh Dave – No!

So what was I doing in the mystic east apart from starving of course, well I am over half way through my ‘Travelogue’ it is going to be my next book and will soon be out on Amazon.com, any really good bookshop, www.thecatsdiary.com and frankly hundreds of thousands of top quality stockists just like my latest masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ which will be a movie one of these days.

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Trams of Prague

It has come to my attention that people are buying a book which was written and illustrated without any of my help by my translator John Woodcock called ‘Trams of Prague’ when they buy a copy of my book at Amazon.com and also at the store on my www – wickedly wonderful website here my store at www.thecatsdiary.com.

Actually I have given it a read and I have to say that it isn’t bad and the illustrations are just darlin’ as my adopted southern auntie says in Georgia so if you would like to have a peek at the book it’s called ‘Trams of Prague’ for those of you are a little hard of understanding then do, you’ll find it at Amazon and also on my website the addresses are above.

Trams of Prague Kindle Edition

If you have bought any of John Woodcock’s books, after you have bought mine of course, do let me know because, ‘Astromouse’ and a ‘Dino Dogs’ will be out soon I believe and I could arrange for you to pre-order them and I won’t charge you a cent just take a small ‘consideration’ from Mr Woodcock tee hee.

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Once in 823 Years

I’m not superstitious – just super, but I found out recently that this year JULY has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays. And I thought that I aught to tell my lovely readers because this happens so rarely once every 823 years to be precise.

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In China, where they fail to make things properly but have interesting calendars, they call this occurence “The Month of the Money Bags” and it is supposed to bring you luck at the very least of loads of money, paws crossed for the latter for all of us don’t you agree?

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Mad Cat Toys

Mad Cat Toys

Recently I was approached by those ever so nice and slightly deranged people at Mad Cat Toys who asked me if I would consider doing them a very, very big favour and be an ambassador for their range of eccentric and must have toys.

Well I have to say that I liked that idea, first because the name of the company is Mad Cat Toys.

Secondly because they do have some really wonderful toys on their website that I think my wonderfully cuddly readers might just like some if not all of these must have toys, to say nothing of my dotty readers who I know will empty their bank accounts buying most of the ‘stuff’ that Mad Cat Toys have to offer and in turn send most, if not all of it to me, which I will of course treasure always especially if it is one of these rather grand robots.

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And of course third or what is known here as ‘lastly’ I liked the idea for the simple yet useful reason that they are prepared to pay me a small fortune in hard currency if my dear beloved and cuddly readers buy any of their amazing toys after using a link from my website – yes that is your que to click here Mad Cat Toys and start melting either your plastic or someone else’s!

So if you want to order a toy or toys for your favourite person, Cat, Dog or best of all ME just click here Mad Cat Toys.

Do let me know what you get if you decide to not get me one of the really cool toys, I promise I won’t sulk because I am sure that some nicer reader will send me some of Mad Cat Toys toys, and of course do let me know what you think of them, if you get a Robot we could have races couldn’t we!

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Bandit The Cat Saves Family From Fire

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While Bandit’s family slept the brave 15 year old Cat from Lincolnshire in the UK, braved flames to raise the alarm that the kitchen was on fire and possibly saved his family’s lives.

Bandit braved the flames to raised the alarm by scratching his human’s face, Marie his human who then woke up her partner David and his two daughters and then with with Bandit, four other Cats, four kittens and two dogs as well as hamsters, gerbils and rabbits managed to get to safety outside as the blaze raged.

The Fire Brigade were called and promptly and efficiently as usual bravely brought the blaze under control.

Later when they learned of Bandit’s bravery they said “If the Cat hadn’t woke you up, the occupants of the house would have died from toxic fumes and smoke.”

Happily that is not the case and thanks to Bandit all of the 20 occupants of the house escaped unharmed.

As you can see from the picture Bandit is a shy cat who really doesn’t like having his picture taken and frankly was wondering what all the fuss was about, all he wanted to do was to get down on the floor and check for Prawns – the usual reward for clever Cat’s.

Animal lover Marie proudly said that “Bandit is a very intelligent Cat although I didn’t expect him to do something like that, which I am amazed by. He can actually talk. He can say things like ‘hello’ but people don’t believe me he can talk.”

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Sadly the family didn’t have insurance and will have problems renovating the rented property they live in and replacing the ruined appliances in the kitchen which was badly damaged by the fire.

Happily for them and for Bandit after the brave men and women of the Lincolnshire Fire and Rescue put out the fire and they then installed smoke detectors which means that Bandit will have some help if something happens like this again.


About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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The Cat Takes A Close Look At Road Signs

I can imagine the conversation between the dazed drive and the traffic cop after the (hopefully) small accident that this sign created all on its own!

Traffic Cop stands looking on bemused.

Driver pointing to undamaged yellow sign: “Turning left seemed right somehow officer!”

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Ok so the next sign is not technically a road sign however before cars most highways were trails – yes I know that is a sort of tenuous introduction but I really like the Californian honesty behind this sign and so we couldn’t leave it out could we?

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Censorship

Yesterday I was highlighting just how awfully politically correct and authoritarian the UK government is with a very small example of the madness of not allowing someone to put posters up asking if anyone has seen his Cat.

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Today I see that in the US there is the same sort of politically correct nonsense going on and worse this form of political correctness seems to be firstly generated by a commercial company and secondly against one of the 19th/20th century literary geniuses and his books Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn which of course was one of the first anti-racist novels and some would say the greatest.

In the ‘new’ editions of both Adventures of Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn which contain the offensive racial epithets “injun” and “nigger” have had the words replaced with “Indian” and “slave” respectively.

Now I have to say that the words replaced are by today’s standards probably not very nice words, and here obviously I would like to apologise to all the rap artists, hip hoppers and other generally black musicians, actors and comedians who refer to themselves and each other loudly and regularly as ‘nigger’ but spelt with an ‘a’ I believe, who should stop using the word and cut it out of any recordings, live acts and the like forthwith!

Personally I think that the people who carried out this censorship have the same political views as all of the famous fascists and communists regimes of the past rolled into one – they should be ashamed of themselves for tampering and ruining a great piece of art.

All of which makes me wonder what will happen to my books in 100 years time? Which words will some little Hitler want removed from my masterpieces of feline literature, or will my book and so many more see the hot end of a bonfire before that time? Sadly when you look at the way things are going I have a feeling they will, but then I will be in illustrious company and happily not around to have to endure the world these idiots are creating.

No wonder in his Notebook in 1894 Mark Twain wrote; “If man could be crossed with the Cat it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the Cat.”


About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

The Cat & Kindle.png

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A Sobering Thought For The New Year

I thought that I would start the year with a sobering thought, it’s healthy to occasionally face up to reality and of course to realise that you humans are not the super race you seem to believe you are!

I don’t suppose that many of you super human humans know that the human brain has been shrinking for the last 20,000 years and the really bad news is that this decrease in the size of humans brains follows two million years of steady growth in the size of the human cranium.

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And don’t think for a moment because you are a man or a woman or you come from somewhere that seems to breed bright very intelligent people you can escape this problem because the incredible shrinking of human brains is happening all over the world, to both sexes and every race.

Fortunately I can confidently predict that you humans have a lot of time left to be the super race that you so enjoy being but you all are obviously going to have to be careful of a another race that already gives you taller animals a run for you money – The Cat and of course this Cat in particular!

The good news is that some scientists believe that humans will never become as daft as – oh say a German Shepherd Dog.

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Indeed some scientists have recently said that the human brain may have stopped shrinking and started to get bigger, which is all very well and good for your children’s children’s children but doesn’t say much for the humans kicking around at the moment, which I believe is err one up for Cats again.

There are some exceptions to the rule that Cats are very intelligent and as an example I give you – Dave The Cat, founding and only member of the ‘Bobble-Less Hat Club’ sporting his latest bobble less hat, bless him!

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If you didn’t read yesterday’s blog because you had accidentally locked yourself out of your house, unfortunately trapped your head in some railings or had to call out the Fire Department to help rescue a Cat from a tree you probably missed my wish that all my readers have a wonderful New Year so here it is again.

Happy New Year!

PS

First I would like to say that this is the third or fourth ‘PS’ in a row in my blogs recently I think, and that is in my opinion three or four ‘PS’s’ too many but here is an important PS anyway!

The ‘Bobble-Less Hat Club,’ founded by someone who calls himself a friend of mine, is looking for new members and if you are interested in joining then do drop me a line at my usual and of course unique email address thecat@thecatsdiary.com or you can do the same through the contact form on my wickedly wonderful website – www.thecatsdiary.com.

Actually I wanted to say that the ‘Bobble-Less Hat Club’ was ‘desperately’ looking for new members but the founding member, chair Cat and general Dog’s body (a term he still hasn’t quite grasped) asked me to delete the word ‘desperately’ because he thought that it sounded as though the club was having problems recruiting new members!

The founding member, chair Cat and general Dog’s body qualified this statement by saying that he hadn’t had any trouble at all joining this excellent club when he joined!

Sometimes I worry about Dave the Cat and then other times I don’t, those are the times when I decide that he is really happy being Dave the Cat and we should be pleased for him too!

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I Don’t Know What To Say!

Very occasionally I am lost for words! Yes really I mean it, I think it is because I write so many words so often that sometimes they just slip away unnoticed and disappear and then I am flummoxed and don’t know what to say, although it occurs to me if a Cat, no matter how clever, who is currently lost for words can come up with the word ‘flummoxed’ then there is no hope for mankind who’s children seem to be leaving school these days in their teens with reading and writing ages of children half their age – but then as usual I digress.

Back here at the point for a moment – I am occasionally I am lost for words! When I find that I can’t think of anything to type either for my amazingly wonderful blog or my latest blockbusting book (which is a Travelogue and yes there is still time for you to pay to have your country ‘removed’ from my incredible book that some say is the most truthful account of what a travel might experience in any of a number of countries) I do a bit of casual ‘web surfing’ – if they call it that these days – to see if I can find an idiot or two to expose, or indeed something note or news worthy that my lovely cuddly readers may have missed along their way – obviously the titbit of information has to be animal related and preferably Cat related.

Today I was surfing the web to do exactly that and guess what I found – no you would never guess in a million years it is so stupidly ridiculous.

I found a website which offers information, tips, hints and so forth on magic – ok so far that doesn’t constitute ‘stupidly ridiculous’ I agree but I think you will see what I mean by “stupidly ridiculous” when you start to read the BLACK CAT HAIR page. Especially when you discover that you can buy – how can I put this – ‘a sample’ I suppose is the best way to describe what the seller calls the – ‘Lucky Mojo Black Cat Hair Curio Pack’ he or she offers for sale.

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Now to this casual and extremely untrained connoisseur of Cat hair or ‘fur’ as we like to call it, although obviously witches differ, the ‘sample’ looks more like humans pubes – if I can say that on a website that attracts children – but then as I stated above they probably can’t read or understand what I am on about so I think I will be able to say ‘pubes’ don’t you?

Still does it matter if the bag contains pubes (hopefully human) to be honest! It’s bad enough if the product being offered for sale is real “Cat hair” (please call it fur) because if there is any demand there must be hundreds of bald moggies shivering across the west coast of America, the home of the producer of ‘Lucky Mojo Black Cat Hair Curio Pack’, but believe me the outrage of this item goes much further than either relieving hundreds of black Cats of their fur or snipping of clumps of black pubic hair and bagging it for sale, oh yes it definitely does.

The charlatan who previously probably sold a ‘patent cure’ from the back of a covered wagon says about the amazing product that black Cat hair has the following amazing properties –

  • Black Cat hair is lucky for Gamblers

  • Black Cat hair is used in a bottle spell to make a couple break up. (I suppose that the couple in question aren’t gamblers and what is a ‘bottle spell’ when it is at home?)

  • Black Cat hair can (only because it is associated with black Cats as far as I can ascertain) grant Invisibility or the Return of a Lost Lover. (Which is the opposite oddly enough. But that isn’t important, what is important is the reason why I say that black Cat hair must, in this case, be useful because it is associated with black Cats and that association enables the magic spell. Why is that well as every practitioner of magic knows it’s the magic or lucky bone that a black Cat is suppose to have that does that ‘trick.’ However it isn’t really lucky for a black Cat to possess such a prized bone because the only way to get at it, and presumably the luck it contains, is to get to the bone after boiling the black Cat alive!

The website does say “Obviously this spell is cruel and we do not endorse it. For folks in search of invisibility after a fashion, we offer Law Keep Away.” This Cat wonders what are the ingredients of ‘Law Keep Away?’ You’ll notice that they don’t say that this spell is gross, cruel, distasteful, daft and most importantly of all like all other spells from any religion, craft just doesn’t work!

I bet you are dying to know how to use the black Cat hair that you are just about to purchase to make you so much luckier a gambler than you currently are aren’t you – well for those with very good glasses the directions and some of the above are printed on the very unappealing label of the evidence bag style packaging that your black Cat hair comes in. But for those slightly less well endowed optically I have transcribed it below. Mind you I bet if you dig around in this unsavoury website you will probably find a potion that will sort out your eyesight once and for all.

So here is what you must do to become rich beyond your wildest dreams – do nothing – the black Cat hair it would seem does it all – whatever that is. Unfortunately there aren’t any clear instructions for use of this magic black Cat hair.

But if you want to cause lovers to Quarrel and Separate and in that order I suppose – although personally I have discovered in the normal world when you quarrel and separate you then do a lot more quarreling after the separation, all you do is this – mix the black Cat hair with Black Dog Hair, 9 Coffin Nails, 9 Needles, and 9 Pins (not of the bowling variety I presume) simple!

The page of the website I was reading didn’t say if it sold black Dog hair and the coffin nails etc., but I expect they do don’t you?

Oddly enough after the enormous effort of accumulating all of the ingredients there is no ‘method’ no explanation as to what to do with what amounts to a pocketful of trash.

Or indeed thinking about it – they don’t say what you do once you have done what you are supposed to do with the ingredients if you follow me and frankly I think I got lost there somewhere, but I think you know what I mean! The people who wrote the label don’t say that you have to mix the ingredients together and then they follow that lack of instruction by not saying what you have to do when you have done what they haven’t told you what to do – my head hurts now does yours? Yes – let’s move on then.

I just imagine a lot very annoyed witches and I suppose an equal number of dissatisfied warlocks staring down at the crap they have in front of them and thinking – huh!

By the way do let me know if you give this a try – well let me rephrase that! Do tell me if you try this at home because then I know I can blacklist you and block your rabid emails because you obviously must be insane or desperate to try this and either way you have to be very dangerous har ha.


  • Of course I can add one or two more facts about black Cat hair and so I will:
    Take black Cat hair (or fur hrrumph) from a black Cat without asking nicely and you will probably lose one of your thumbs you humans are so proud of.

  • Black Cat hair should be called Black Cat fur.

  • Humans will buy any old rubbish if they are told it will bring them luck.

  • Humans think that they are highly evolved.

  • Humans are probably the most gullible species on the planet and the only one which believes in a God I might add – but maybe I shouldn’t.

  • Some humans think that Sarah Palin cares about them and is electable.

  • As a Cat I think that it is really odd that these sorts of potions and magic thingy’s never include bits of humans because humans don’t seem to have any qualms when they lop of bits of animals to create their magic, or is it that everyone knows that this sort of nonsense is just that and so it is better to use a bit of Cat, Toad or Newt because they tend not to sue the magicians?


As you can see for yourself the ‘product’ if you can grace it with that description has a ‘small print’ caveat – which the maker of the label couldn’t be bothered to actually make small or I suppose didn’t actually have the right spell to hand to do the job for them – or maybe he/she did and it didn’t work. So here it is using the same odd combination of capital letters as the author does across the whole of the website –

“We make no claim for BLACK CAT HAIR, and sell as a Curio only.”

You can tell that this was rubbish was collected for sale in California can’t you – it is probably the worst place in the world to sell such a thing because it is probably the only place on the planet where disgruntled witches or warlocks would actually sue the supplier because the rubbish they bought didn’t work and be taken as seriously as they took the seller in the first place.


For those ultra curious the black Cat hair – oh I do wish the idiots would call it fur – retails at a mere $3.00 however the book of spells that explain what to do with the dreadful stuff is $14.95 you’d have to be mad to buy that rubbish when you can buy my book at Amazon.com or my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com wouldn’t you!


PS
The Disney movie ‘Tron Legacy’ may well be dreadful if you listen to the critics but do, if you get the chance, take in the soundtrack by Daftpunk. It is really very good indeed.

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Only A Dog Could Be This Daft!

Just look what this dumb Dog did!

Rebel an eight month old German Shepherd Dog was heading for trouble when he decided to check out an interesting looking hole in the wall.

As you can see from the first picture ‘clever’ Rebel somehow managed to squeeze his head into a really small hole in the wall of his garden in Los Angeles, California, and then the curious bone headed bow-wow got his head well and truly stuck.

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Unfortunately Rebel’s owner was out and it was only when a friend of the owner heard Rebel whining, whimpering and generally expressing a wish not to have his head sticking out of the wall that he found the pitiful pup, in what could be described as “a bit of a tight spot” he took pity on him and called the authorities.

County Animal Services officers arrived and decided the Dog was not in serious danger and obviously thought that the dim Doggie was making a song and a dance out of his predicament so they decided that if Rebel could get his head into the hole then he could jolly well get his head out of the same hole – with a bit of help of course.

Obviously the County Animal Services officers’ main concern was not to hurt Rebel, with officers on either side of the wall, they tucked in the silly pup’s ears and gently pulled him back and forth for about 30 minutes before they managed to free him.

Happily no one, either canine or human was hurt and as you can see from the next picture Rebel seems to have rather enjoyed the experience, proving that Dogs are really very dumb!

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Well I don’t know about ‘a rebel without a cause,’ this Cat would say the this was ‘a Rebel without a clue.’

Sadly I have a lot of experience with German Shepherd Dogs and I would caution anyone who believes that German Shepherd Dogs are ‘intelligent’ they really aren’t and the ones that appear to be are pretending I promise, as you will know if you have read any of my blogs, my book or indeed my www – wickedly wonderful website my German Shepherd Dog ‘Ben’ is how can I put this in the most flattering way possible err – ‘challenged.’

If you didn’t get my book for Christmas don’t worry there are plenty here Amazon.com or if you want you can order one from my website here www.thecatsdiary.com.

I hope that eventually everyone will have a copy of my book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and not only because that will make me ‘J-K-Rowling-Rich’ but also because unlike Harry Potter my books will make you laugh and therefore the world a brighter place.

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