Tag Archives: The Cat

Mind Control For Cats

Cat: “You’re not only a very good looking Parrot, I am sure that you’re very clever as well.”

Parrot: “Thanks, I think I am clever and not only a pretty boy!”

Cat: That’s what I thought and now this is your opportunity to prove that to the world.”

Parrot: That would be nice! Thanks!”

Cat: “My pleasure, ok, so all you have to do is to get just a little closer to the window and then show me just how clever you are by reaching up to the window catch and undoing it with your beak.”

Parrot: “Sounds like a plan!”

Cat and Parrot


About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Cats vs Fishermen

In a contest that involves wit, brains, guile and of course good looks a Cat will always beat a Fisherman.

And here is the proof. As you can see in the first photograph the Cat has found something interesting in the Fisherman’s nice shiny bucket, I was going to say that the Cat had found the Fisherman’s ‘tackle’ interesting but that just sounded weird!

Cat vs Fisherman 1

Very slowly, quietly and carefully the Cat does what cats do best, helps himself to something tasty and all while the idiot on the Quay is fiddling with his rod – mmh fishing terminology sounds just a little rude sometimes doesn’t it? But only if you don’t have pure thoughts.

Cat vs Fisherman 2

Which all goes to show that it isn’t only Dogs that drool while Cats rule is it!

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Good News for Toads

Well I think that this is good news for Toads – it appears that they are the only vehicle owners allowed to park in this car park who aren’t customers.

Good News for Toads

But then it is such a good idea to have a few ground rules isn’t it – you wouldn’t want drivers in your car park who do this sort of thing, whatever it is – would you?

Not Nice


About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Just A Dog And His Master

Sometimes you hear of a story that touches you, not because it is anything grand, global or sadly particularly newsworthy in these days of 30 second news briefings, newspapers that have more naked flesh and gossip than hard news and you – yes that’s right you readers and viewers with short attention spans and shorter memories.

In your defence it is not your fault, now more than ever we are told that we have the largest amount of news (most of which is puerile gossip of course) and other information being pumped out at us from what surely is the largest collection of incontinent gossips in history – everyone is at it aren’t they? From the Huffington Post to the most lowly Cat blogger and it seems as though there is no escape from the news flow.

So unashamedly this Cat offers you a simple story of companionship, love, duty and something so much more, from two of the most admirable souls he has heard of in a long time and who like the war that they fought in will be forgotten.

It might not be forgotten today but too it will be all too soon. While people like the princely awful duke of York consorts with child sex offenders, Libyan gangsters and Kazakh fraudsters hoping first to sell his house for millions above the asking price and then to pay off his ex-wife’s debts while his elder brother talks to plants and makes vain attempts to coerce the British government into making policy the British people don’t want.

So enough of fops and fools for one moment, what I am about to tell you are just the facts, there is no embroidery, no fact-ion and that’s because I believe that this pair of heros need no gilding just remembering – so please remember them!

Lance Corporal Liam Tasker, and his Dog Theo worked in the British Army. Lance Corporal Liam Tasker was 26 and Theo just 22 months old, probably their youth helped them not only create a strong friendship but also gave them the ability to work tireless saving the lives of countless British soldiers and Afghans in the latest war that the British government can’t afford to participate in.

This dedicated pair of youngsters uncovered 14 home-made bombs and enormous quantities of weapons in just five months – a record for a dog and his handler.

Theo and His Master

They had trained together for most of Theo’s short adult life and it was said of Lance Corporal Liam Tasker that his Dog handling skills were exemplary, as they trained the pair formed an inseparable bond, which was probably why they were such a successful team, it was Theo’s very dangerous job to be the ‘front man,’ where he would sniff out any hidden IEDs, weapons and bomb-making equipment.

Recently they took part in a mission in the Nahr-e Saraj district in Helmand, a hotbed of the insurgency and one of the most dangerous places in the war at the moment.

After a firefight broke out with the Taliban and L/Cpl Tasker was shot dead. Later though uninjured sadly Lance Corporal Liam Tasker beloved Dog Theo had a seizure and died of what is believed to be a broken heart.

This humble Cat would like to thank the brave souls of the Armed Forces for taking risks with their lives, which means that he doesn’t have to.

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Now You Can Say I’ve Got An iPad2

As the title says now you can say that you have an iPad2 – or you will be able to on March 11th and unfortunately although the iPad1 was not very reliable which meant it was constantly receiving ‘attention’ at the Apple Genius Bar and then being replaced – this one has two cameras and so I for one will be dumb enough to get one, but not until my latest iPad1 gives up processing and so far, touch wood or should that be ‘touch screen,’ it has been doing a sterling job for two weeks – I feel privileged!

Here is a picture of more than one iPad2 so that if you have been living in a cave for a couple of days and not seen the news you can get your first glimpse. I have to say that I am looking forward to getting my paws on it, for us creatures that lack opposable thumbs and find typing difficult the touch screen is a boon.

IPad2

What was nice, was to see Mr Jobs, who is every bit the genius that I am, give the presentation, it sort of makes the people who have been prophesying his imminent doom look more than a little stupid – tee hee. The Cat wishes Mr Jobs well and hopes that he outlives the prophets of his doom. It goes without saying that prophets should be ignored frequently and completely doesn’t it!

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A Happy Ending – For A Change

Workers at a British supermarket recently opened a sealed crate from Malaysia and just couldn’t believe what was inside. From the warm darkness a pair of shining eyes looked up at them and they heard a little squeak.

The eyes and the squeak belonged to a brave little kitten who had survived a journey of several thousand miles for over a month by licking condensation off the walls of the crate.

It goes without saying that the kitten was tired, hungry and very thin, but when the staff of the supermarket picked her up and gave her a hug she started to purr and meow for food. This lucky kitten couldn’t have turned up, or is that have been unpacked in a better place, and the supermarket workers were soon offering small amounts of the best cat food and some water.

The sensible supermarkets workers also called in the RSPCA – which is the UK version of the ASPCA – who checked her over and declared that although she was hungry she was healthy, probably about 8 weeks old and after staying in quarantine for six months will be given a new home in the UK. Of course offers to home the well travelled kitten have been pouring in.

It is thought that the kitten most likely crawled into the crate when it was awaiting loading in the port of Penang. The crate with the kitten inside would have been first placed inside a container and sealed so that it can’t be tampered with or of course be used by people wanting to illegally enter the UK, then the container would have been loaded into the hold of the ship for the three week voyage to the UK.

At Southampton the container would have been loaded onto a lorry to complete the final part of its journey and as they say – you know the rest – there was quite a surprise for the people unpacking one particular crate.

Isn’t it nice to have a happy ending for a change?

Cat in Box

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Stop Press – Or Is That – We Interrupt This Broadcast!

You can now see some short movies with Oscar winning potential on my www.wickedly wonderful website my new Video page you can use the pretty blue link or click the video screen capture to watch it in all of its wonderfulness.

The Cat's Video Library

One marvellous movie stars my very good friend Jimmy the Black Cat and the other exquisite movie, which I would say has Oscar winning potential written all over it – or would have if my web boffins had let me have ‘my’ own way – shows my screen double Lupin (odd name, I know but he is German Cat) gate-crashing a German TV weather forecast. Some may call this ‘adding value’ to German TV of course!

As usual do let me know what you think of my blog and also this time if you think that my movie direction has Oscar winning potential, because I would like to add that qualification that to ‘movie star quality’ on my CV. I hope that I will be on more screens soon, but I have already said too much!

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Apple Computers Make Writing Difficult

Ok so my Apple Mini Mac is very close to being three months old and if it was human I am pretty certain that we would be baptising it or something, but as it is an Apple Computer we aren’t going to be doing that because that would be stupid wouldn’t it.

Of course there is another reason why we can’t baptise the bloody Apple Mini Mac and that is because the DVD drive has stopped working and that means that the Mini Mac is currently with a bunch of idiots at a service centre in Prague.

Sadly these repair centre idiots are fully Apple trained and know all about the latest Apple Computers and so they gladly accepted the Mini Mac for repair with the customer service case number which I had thoughtfully obtained for them from Apple in advance when Apple Customer Service agreed that the Mini Mac’s DVD drive needed replacing because it had been badly made in… where was it badly made campers? Oh yes! CHINA of course!

“So what is wrong with that?” I hear you ask, followed by, “and why call the poor devils at the Apple repair centre idiots, you are being an unkind Cat?” Well firstly I have to say that your obvious concern and compassion for the repair centre idiots is one of the reasons I like my readers, they are nice, kind people who have big hearts and don’t like to see nice defenceless if not clueless Czech service repair people called “idiots” by a nasty Cat.

Well this nasty Cat has a point, and that point is that the idiots at the Czech service place phoned several hours after they accepted the Mini Mac for repair to say that the reason why nothing worked was that the RAM was incompatible with the computer and the DVD drive was just fine and worked perfectly – in a tone that suggested that only they really ‘know’ about computers including Mini Macs and indeed they said that they had conducted all sorts of tests to arrive at their findings. They also said that I could come and collect my Mini Mac as soon as I liked!

Very soon after that call they phoned again saying that the DVD drive was err… actually… err… um… broken and not to collect it, they would repair it under warranty and it should to be collected on Thursday or Friday – although I think it is odd that they couldn’t actually decide on a ‘day’ to collect the repaired computer when they were on the phone I ignored the rather ‘fluid’ timescale.

And of course they also said that the RAM was still incompatible even though the DVD drive was broken, although of course they really should have said “that the DVD drive had recently become defective/broken,” but surely if they had used that more accurate term then it might suggest that they had broken the DVD drive when it was in their care, and that’s because they told us that the DVD drive wasn’t broken just a few minutes before. Makes your headache doesn’t it, well think about having that conversation in Czech! Happily I don’t speak Czech, (to my way of thinking it’s a very confused sub dialect of English spoken by an ever decreasing number of people, like err Russian and therefore not only pretty irrelevant but also difficult to learn and English was hard enough to learn) so someone else suffered that one.

Well, dear readers back to the RAM, I have exhaustively checked out the specification etc., of the RAM with the very reputable manufacturer and it is ‘very’ compatible with the Mini Mac and not only that the Mini Mac had been working away quite happily and at lightening speed (courtesy of the new improved RAM) for a long while before the DVD drive packed up. Of course the fact that it was working so well might be because the RAM was made in Taiwan and they are less careless and ham fisted, or should we just say less ‘Chinese’ there than their counterparts and indeed brothers and sisters on the mainland.

Of course the reason why the RAM is ‘considered’ incompatible by the ‘idiots’ (they have worked hard to earn that title don’t you think) at the Czech service centre is that the RAM is value RAM and apparently Apple Computers, the company, not the machine you understand, don’t like value ram?

I have no idea why these idiots thought that the RAM might be causing the problem, value RAM is the same as ordinary RAM and using it doesn’t void warranty, it is made by one of the industry leaders or anything, the only thing I can think of is that value RAM is what it says it is ‘good value for money.’

Apple have always been a bit snobbish but this is just plain stupid isn’t it. Oh by the way RAM stands for random access memory and it is the brain of the computer for anyone still using a slate to write on and an Abacus to help do sums – like err… the Chinese tee hee!

Now, I have to decide what picture to put here, because to my way of thinking a blog needs a picture, but then I don’t see why I should put a picture of a Mini Mac here because currently I am annoyed with Apple and of course the Chinese (I like to pick a fight that is going to be a challenge as you can tell tee hee), all of which means that you nice people should be treated to a picture of me.

book-cover.jpg

Don’t forget that you can get a copy of my wonderful and very popular book here at Amazon.com or of course at my www.wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com, you’ll love it I promise, and because it is not made in China it won’t fall apart after a few weeks.

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‘English Royal’ – Looking Daft Again

It is very hard to be ‘royal’ just ask Camellia Parker Whatsit – the Cat’s ‘Queen of Pies’ and prince Charles’ ‘consort’ and I am using the word ‘consort’ as a polite way of describing someone who has been having an affair with a married man for years, here! I believe in days gone by the courts would have described her as a “co-respondent.”

The main reason it is very hard to be a royal is that you really don’t need a lot of intelligence to be a royal family member and never have it is sort of an English tradition that their monarchs and their families are very stupid – for more information do take a close look at prince Charles and what he has said and done over the years.

Here, the future queen, if Charles gets his way and there’ll be trouble if he doesn’t (yes he is ‘that’ spoilt), is demonstrating the art of being a member of the English royal family perfectly and offering you an insight into that age old question. “How many fools does it take to put up an umbrella?”

How many fools does it take.jpg

Personally this Cat thinks that the old girl fits into the ‘firm,’ as the royals like to call their enterprise, perfectly and proves that it is time for a republic, at least then after a ‘term’ the English could boot out any losers and not have them hanging around embarrassing most of the nation for decades.

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