Tag Archives: The Cat

A sign of madness!

Pardon

I know! It is absolutely perfect isn’t it?


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Educational nonsense across the world

As we all know who are or have been parents it is time to send our little one and indeed our bigger ones back to school and so with that in mind I thought i would share a little snap I saw from a South African TV news programme which was discussing the importance of education.

Educational nonsense across the world

Oops! Well it just goes to show how important a good education is doesn’t it?


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Back to School

For most young people it’s back to school soon and for a lot of them they will be looking forward to getting a decent education, sadly that doesn’t seem to be the case in the UK as this road sign shows.

Back to School

Mind you as the government of David Cameron is now making it almost impossible for working class or as we call them nowadays ‘poorer families’ to send their children to further education what do you expect?


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Small children love picnics and they’ll love Scotland

I hear from a lot of sources that the Pixar movie ‘Brave’ (which is a reference to those who go to watch it I understand) is being used by the Scottish Tourist Board to drum up business.

Here is why they have to pay so much to Pixar!

Small children welcome Scotland

Happy picnicking!


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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50p each 2 for a pound, what sort of bargain is that?

This picture was spotted at a sunny boot fair recently and I have to say that the dedication to achieving a minimum price of 50p is very impressive.

And I think that the main sign shows a nice use of asterisks although the spelling of “aerosol” is as creative as the pricing.

All Airysoul he was President of Israel wasn t he

Just a thought but wasn’t All Airysoul President of Israel?


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Off to Berlin, again

I am off to Berlin, again! I know it’s incredible for a Cat to visit the capital of a nation that he doesn’t particularly like so often, but the more I tell the Germans and in particular Berliners that I dislike them the more they ask me back!

Is there a cunning plan here? I wonder if they are trying to win me over by paying for my visits with luxury travel and five star hotels? Or are they just trying to wear me down? Who can tell what is behind those honest blue eyes under that pure blonde hair, I can’t for one, but that is mainly because the buggers are so tall I can’t look into their blue eyes pure or not!

BGate

So here I go for another four days of noisy Berliners I know it won’t be fun. The worst thing about Berlin frankly is not the place it’s the lifts (elevators to some), the lifts are, I have to say here, very much like lifts all around the world, some have scary glass sides, some are dark places with mood music for murderers and most, if not all, of the lifts in Berlin are filed to the brim with large tubby female Germans in their late teens and twenties making the sort of noise that if it came out of an aeroplane would ensure that it never flew again.

Here I was going to ramble on about Berlin and complain a lot, but I think that in the above two paragraphs you my dear cuddly readers can see my point! So instead of a tirade I thought that I would tell you about a little known fact, I heard from a reliable source, yes ok it was my good friend Ginger who’s reliability does occasionally come in to question on an hourly basis! But here it is anyway

Apparently there is a rogue British soldier whose shadowy presence haunts the people of Berlin (which thinking about it is probably the reason they are so loud), who doesn’t know that the war is over.

Private Tommy Strand fought his way from the Normandy Beaches to Berlin in the WWII. Now the fact that there were any nations other than the Americans fighting at Normandy may come as a surprise to people who only watch Band of Brothers or any Spielberg movie including the one whose name I can’t remember at the moment but had the name ‘Ryan’ in the title I think.

British at Normandy

Anyway, Tommy Strand always seemed to be part of the next ‘big push’ and the only break the poor devil caught was that he wasn’t part of Operation Market Garden the peabrain plan of the idiot general known as Mad Monty.

Instead of landing in Arnhem and becoming a prisoner of war Private Strand marched and fought his way to the heart of Germany and the capital, which is Berlin for those of you who are only scan reading this blog.

As you can imagine along the way many of the soldiers who fought and forced their way into Hitler’s front garden were affected, millions lost their friends, hundreds of thousands lost their lives, many sadly lost their minds and when the fighting stopped and the Germans almost to a man and woman decided that Hitler’s ideas were not so bloody clever and they had only been following orders anyway it was difficult for the occupying soldiers to adjust.

For poor demented Private Strand it was more than difficult, it was impossible and with his gun of the same name strapped to his back (no not a Strand Gun, a Tommy Gun duh!) and a weeks forth of Corned Beef sandwiches Tommy Strand went native which because Berlin was completely flattened was in effect ‘underground.’

For years Tommy Strand haunted the occupying armies and defeated Berliners by firing his machine gun at night, stealing cigarettes, Beer and Corned Beef sandwiches from the NAAFI which is a sort of trading organisation for the British Forces that not only feeds soldiers but also sells them cheap cigarettes and booze at rates so attractive that it almost encourages lung cancer and alcoholism and of course alcohol and cigarettes are two things that can get a soldier into trouble is they are caught using them on duty.

At first the British Army working with members of the local police, retired SS Officers and others, who were not lucky enough to be Rocket Scientists and were stranded in Berlin, searched for Tommy but the searches only turned up chewed crusts from Corned Beef sandwiches and empty Beer bottles.

It was as if Tommy Strand had become a ghost and would, because of his cleverness at not being found, become something worse a legend and so to avoid embarrassment it was decided in Whitehall and Downing Street that Private Tommy Strand would just simply have to disappear and be ‘unremembered’ a technique which had been learned from the British Allies across the Rhine.

And so in the late summer of 1945 it was decided that Private Tommy Strand should be ‘disappeared’ from memory and any official documents, but never from the nighttime in Berlin nor as the scourge of NAAFI, nor from the mind of some of his superiors who secretly and unofficially continue searching for Tommy, one of the reasons that there are still military bases in Germany, I am afraid I can’t tell you the ‘other’ reasons.

NAAFI Stores

From time to time a clever photographer would catch sight and if he was lucky ‘snap’ Tommy Strand in the daylight, on a Corned Beef sandwich run. You would think that a soldier dressed in antique battle dress carrying a similarly antique machine gun would be easy to spot but you have to remember Tommy was clever and not spotted or as the British Army discovered easily found either and of course these were simpler times as were the people, they believed Churchill after all, to say nothing of the other chap with the moustache of course.

Below is the last know picture of Private Tommy Strand in front of the Brandenburg Gate in the spring of 1963. It is believed that soon after this picture was taken Tommy ran out of bullets for his treasured and ever so noisy machine gun and worse the British Army no longer kept stores of that calibre in their ammunition dump under the old Reich Chancellery – oops I may have said too much there!

Soldier in Berlin

The picture below which was recently declassified shows British Military Police searching for Tommy in 1989. It wasn’t long after this picture was taken that the search officially petered out, many said that the reason for the search being called off was that Tommy was just to wily, too clever for the searchers, as one Major said “I admire Private Tommy Strand in a way, you know, clever bugger, bloody clever, he probably has a very big hideout somewhere, I admire that too! Oh is that the time, must dash Tea in the officers mess in five!”

Military Police searching

Others believe that because of the thaw in relations with the Soviet Empire and the fall of the Berlin Wall, which increased the search area enormously, the military simply lost interest in finding their errant private, who if he had stayed in the military and taken advantages of the comprehensive training and various education packages available could have rise through the ranks.

As a Colonel (who wished remain anonymous) said.

“If Private Strand had stayed in the Army and not gone awol by now he may well have been a General and in charge of the search for himself, err himself. Mind you he would be 74 today and that is a bit old even for a General!”

Now I bet you didn’t know that did you!


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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The Penguin’s role in Religion

They say that church is a place for all and this church in New Zealand proves the rule even though the “fishy smell” must offer worshippers something of a challenge.

All welcome New Zealand

Obviously there is no room in heaven for the anti-social including Possums and quite rightly too!

So all this Cat can say is that he hopes that the Penguins grow up to be model citizens and the Possums mend their ways.

For those of you who are curious to know what the word “Whanau” means and are too lazy to look it up, or tired of getting adverts instead of results from your Google search, here is what I discovered, though I haven’t managed to find a New Zealander to check the translation with – just like trams there is never one around when you need one is there?

Whānau is a Māori language word for extended family. The letter ‘ā’ is obviously difficult to find even on an ecclesiastical word processor! Apparently a number of Māori words like Whānau are now becoming popular in New Zealand and entering the language unlike words from languages like… oh say Welsh!

I have a feeling that Whānau is not a word that is going to catch on globally like say a lot of black American words such as ‘hood’ (neighbourhood), ‘grill’ (some sort of mysterious device that sits on clenched teeth made from bling), ‘gangsta’ (armed children on street corners who emulate their elders) ‘bitch’ (a ‘hopefully’ beloved wife/girlfriend) and so on and so forth.

It does seem a shame that some words cross into the mainstream vocabulary and some don’t!


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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A strange kind of tenderness in Majorca

As the Czech summer becomes ever more like an English one I am starting too think that it might be time to have my second holiday early this year to alleviate some of the shivering, but where to go? That is the question.

I have to say that I love Spain and normally drop in on my amigos at leads once a year but before booking a scheduled flight to sunny Majorca this weekend,(anyone who has read my second masterpiece of feline literature, ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’, will know my thoughts on low cost airlines and so I don’t think I need to say what bad value for money they are here, just read my book), I remembered an odd sign someone gave me that had come from the overly commercial south of the island, where you can get tattoos, pieced ears (not all attached) and horribly drunk if you are a dreadful loutish British tourist.

Mixed message Majorca

Makes you wonder if the Spanish know what tenderness or being gentle is doesn’t it, I know that they have, in the main, given up Bull Fighting “thank goodness,” a cry I hear echoed around the world by the Toro de Lidia or Black Bulls big and small, but using a weapon to piece an ear is a bit much isn’t it?


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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An unusual sign especially for the Olympics

Usually if I see a sign that has been deliberately altered or ‘defaced,’ to be more precise, I tend not to include it in my little collection of silly signs but as it’s Olympics fortnight I thought I would make an exception for this bilingual sign.

Swim in Poo

I believe that it’s also important to mention the Olympics today because Mr Cameron the Team GB Prime Minister has said that the Olympics should have a lasting legacy! Makes ten sound like the royal family for some reason – I suppose it is always because royalists are trying to justify their existence too when this last Diamond Jubilee Bank Holiday proved that the royals are a bigger waste of money than space by costing the nation several billion for an extra day off, and still they whine to give them a royal yacht, I just don’t get it do you?

Mind you he, Davy Cameron that is, did say all that Olympic nonsense at the same time as his government has announced that they will be getting rid of a lot of school playing fields, the very place where school age athletes train.

Still as more than half of the Team GB medal winners come from schools where rich parents pay a small fortune to educate their children in what the English call “private schools” these days and so that shouldn’t affect Team GB should it.

But sadly the mainly private school educated chumps in the Cameron government weren’t content with just snatching school playing fields, so that their rich buddies who donate to the party could build houses and industrial estates that will probably remain empty because of the recession, they went a little further and will sadly cancel the two hour cigarette break for school teachers who teach games and another subject.

All of which makes the sign above rather relevant because the UK as a whole and England in particular seems to be swimming in the very stuff it mentions – politicians who needs them?


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Panther Piss the perfect pick up

If you are feeling a little down in the dumps and need a bit of a pick me up then I think I have discovered the perfect tonic.

Strong stuff from South Africa

Panther Piss is probably ten times stronger than the more famous Piddle Beer from Dorset, in England, that a friend of mine likes to quaff in considerable quantities and reading the ingredients I can understand why! 90% Alcohol and more than a dash of Nitric Acid, wow strong stuff!

Now I have to say that I don’t know a lot about Panther Piss but I believe that it is an illegal liquor distilled in and then sold to the people of the Townships of South Africa, what I do know is that whoever makes the stuff in the Townships must really loathe their fellow humans beings.

So how I hear you ask, does Panther Piss do what I say it will do in the opening line? Simple really! If you know someone who is feeling a little down in the dumps and in need a bit of a pick me up then all you have to do is to threaten them with a dose of Panther Piss, I bet they will feel better immediately or sooner!


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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