Humans as I think I have said in my latest book at Amazon.com and any number of times on my wonderful blog are rather odd.
Humans display these oddities in all sorts of ways and one of the most novel ways is in sign language. I have been collecting some signs that have been erected all over the world by humans who have carefully and deliberately, it would seem, disengaged their brains before writing the sign.
“Aren’t all Dogs strange?”
Don’t forget that Christmas is coming and giving someone a copy of my book would be an honour for both parties you can get an electronic version of my wonderful book at most ebook retailers online, at Amazon.com and of course my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com.
“What a brilliant book cover it should be a sign!”
Today it is raining, yesterday it was raining and would you believe it was raining the day before yesterday and it will probably be raining tomorrow! Now the rain situation is probably ok for you humans with umbrellas but for a Cat sitting on a window sill blowing two little patches of steam on the glass with his hot breath too much rain is just very depressing because as you can see from the photograph I can’t see out. And worse when it is raining heavily it makes the business of Escape heavy going.
As you probably know if you are a dedicated fan of mine that I like looking out of the window and planning my escape and so I am asking you nicely (at first) to kindly return the Summer so that I can see the back of this torrential rain and make my escape, it is I am sure the only think now holding me back oh of course there are the window locks, motion sensors, the security perimeter and flood lights at night, but I think the lack of fine weather has the biggest impact on my failure to escape.
Of course you humans are lucky not only because of your umbrellas but also because if you are stuck inside at work or at home and it is raining as hard as it is here you can happily read my book which you can easily get here Amazon.com or log onto my wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com and while away the time or if you are like a Cat ‘wile’ away the time before your next escape attempt.
I read that some tiny works of art vanished from an exhibition in a garden of an English stately home, but this Cat wants to know what did the idiots expect pocket sized art and the public loose with pockets.
Staff at the stately home are offering an amnesty to eagle-eyed visitors who appear to have spotted the tiny people and then removed all of the Lilliput-sized art exhibition from the mansion’s grounds.
Nine “tiny people” made from resin by the London street artist Slinkachu have disappeared from the gardens at Belsay Hall, in Northumberland, where they were part of a “deliberately curious” summer show and now they are not tee hee.
If you get a chance do visit Northhumberland on the north east coast of England, it’s very beautiful up there and reasonably empty even for over crowded England and of course it is famous for being a place where my translator (John Woodcock) lived after being born in Dracula country.
Dracula country being County Durham and in particular Whitley Bay, the home of the legend and where Bram Stoker spent a winter and came up with the whole Dracula idea when looking out over the grey sea and dark grey sky pressing down on it – I think har ha.
So they have recently found an enormous solar system consisting of seven planets which orbit a sun like star about 127 light years from Earth and I wondered if it needed a name?
If this new solar system does need a name then may I drop one into the hat right now? How about “The Cat Solar System/’ with the main habitable planet being called simply ‘Planet Cat!’ Sounds not only good to me, it sounds absolutely stellar.
If the new solar system is called ‘The Cat’ with ‘Planet Cat’ the home planet then I promise to mention it in my next book which as you loyal fans know is a travelogue, but sadly I have a feeling that 127 light years is a bit of a step to go to get a picture of me on Planet Cat for the cover which is a shame because my latest book has a wonderful picture of me (the divine picture is below).
Two of the largest women in the media tie the knot.
Last week it was announced that the large but lovely Queen of the American media and tv channel owner Oprah Winfrey was going to employ the ex-duchess of somewhere small in England – the tired and emotional Sarah Ferguson in an attempt to try and straighten her life out and stop her from trying to obtain money by deception using false pretences.
This Cat’s message to the big but beautiful Oprah is “stop, don’t do it, she’ll’ drag you down with her.”
Why, because the regally awful Sarah Ferguson will probably suck a Texan’s toes on tv or offer the ‘services’ of her husband on her live chat show which the gigantic but gorgeous Oprah is granting her.
This dreadful ginger haired Brit (pictured above while too drunk to complain about the photographer taking a candid snap or two of her about to pollute the upholstery of a nice motor) has got to be stopped and not encouraged, she really should be serving time in a jail for her latest drunken caper and not returning to her champagne lifestyle courtesy of the very well meaning Queen of tv.
Here is a picture of the happy couple recently don’t they look nice? But will it last?
Sadly this Cat is very worried for the dumpy divine Oprah, she shouldn’t trust a drunken ex-duchess because just as with her last adventure into a relationship the dreadful ginger ex-duchess will let the side down and poor Oprah will be left with mop in hand to clean up the mess, just as the long suffering poor sad duke of York does even to this day – appointments to meet him and further your business interests can probably still be arranged by Sarah Ferguson for a ‘consideration’ of half a million big ones – well she won’t start her new tv show until next year and a girl has to keep the champagne flowing and the private jets in the air doesn’t she and party while making loyal employees of several years redundant with the minimum compensation.
This Cat wonders if the result of the marriage between the dreadful duchess and the Queen of tv will end in tears? The happy event below did in the most uncomfortable way for all concerned and no one at the time was predicting that, but that was only because it was before this Cat got a blog which though of course is mainly used to promote my wonderful book available here Amazon.com is also used to expose the excesses of what is known in England as the ‘royal’ family, ‘royal’ can of course mean ‘significant’ like ‘royal’ mess of course!
Oprah do think again before you sign anything with ginger, she couldn’t even tell you where she will be living next year, let alone if she will be sober, best thing you can do if you want to help the ex-duchess is to find her a flat with the rent controlled, get her a job at JC Penny selling makeup or sparkly things and see if she can make a go of things for six months until your tv network is live, if the dreadful drunk duchess can then by all means throw the dog a bone so to speak, but she should have to prove herself first shouldn’t she.
Of course this Cat is available as a chat show host if the tipsy ex-duchess should be (err how can I put this) ‘indisposed’ and unable to host the show because she is suffering from slurred speech and double vision!
Would you believe it, this is the view from my window today. It is exactly the same view from my window yesterday and for the day before and probably knowing my luck tomorrow.
What I want to know is where have you put summer and more to the point when are you going to bring it back. I can’t sit here with my nose pressed up against the window blowing patches of mist over cold glass and not being able to see out for raindrops can I? I am an action Cat who needs preferably to be outside but if I can’t be outside then it would be good to be able to see outside, so that I can tell when it has stopped raining and make my escape through shafts of sunlight across the rapidly drying landscape.
Still I suppose life isn’t too bad at least if you are stuck inside on a very rainy day you can read my book or visit my website, you can get my book here Amazon.com and my wickedly wonderful website or www www.thecatsdiary.com
The owners of a Cat called Oscar have reported him to the police because he has developed a bit of a bad habit.
Oscar has stolen dozens of knickers and other unusual items of clothing from his neighbour’s gardens. Unfortunately where Oscar went wrong and his crime was discovered was that he obviously hadn’t thought his crime through properly and arranged for a fence to buy the haul of over 70 items of mainly ladies underwear. All of which meant that as Oscar’s habit grew so did the pile of washing in outside the back door of his home in Gordon Avenue, Southampton, England.
For a while it seems Oscar attempted in vain to control his larcenous underwear habit and concentrated on stealing Gardening Gloves, but as his massive collection of ladies ‘frillies’ demonstrates underwear was his first and only love and he soon went back to ‘collecting’ whatever lacy little numbers he could find, some 55 items from his colourful collection no less.
Frightened that their neighbour’s might start to think that there was a pervert, at worst or a petty thief at best, lurking in their shrubbery Oscar’s humans Mr. and Mrs. Weismantel decided that enough was enough and alerted the local police.
Happily Oscar wasn’t taken down to the police station because as usual the police were at a loss as to what to do about this clever Cat Burglar and were unable to help, but then they aren’t all that good as solving crimes.
It is clear that Oscar’s run in with the law has had absolutely no effect upon his little hobby and he happily and brazenly has stepped up his campaign to ‘own’ all of the underwear in his neighbourhood and it is understood from a local loose mouthed Tabby that Oscar is on the look out for a couple of thongs to add to his collection of smalls and of course ‘bigs’ – the area is a number of pensioners who have also fallen prey to Oscar’s ‘indulgences.’
The Cat thinks that this hero should watch out though because it is understood that Vets have been contacted from the local Cat’s Protection League – a charity and not a Mafia style crime operation – and they have stated that “though it is unusual for a Cat to bring underwear back to his or her humans it is not uncommon for Cat’s to offer presents as a token of appreciation to their humans and indeed as a means of paying their way for their food and a roof over their head.”
Obviously this is drivel the notion that Cats would want to reward humans for looking after them is very distasteful to this Cat and I am sure all Cats in the world who of course consider themselves to be ornamental and by their very existence allow the humans who care for them to be rewarded with the satisfaction of knowing that they are doing a difficult job extremely well.
You know I know just how the poor old corpulent and caring King of Qatar must be feeling after his very generous (this Cat thought) offer of paying to rebuild all sorts of bits of Palestine that the Israelis knocked down and blew up recently was rejected by the Israeli Prime Minister, and that rejection was odd because at first he sounded interested in taking the money – quite naturally of course, free money these days is hard to come by isn’t it?
Just think, if the Prime Minister had said “no thanks” to the American’s offer of paying for a missile shield, the average American tax payer, who quite rightly, has no interest in building a missile shield in that part of the Middle East would be just a little less financially hard pressed currently.
Actually I too have been trying to do my bit for peace in the world and recently spent a not inconsiderable amount of my ‘hard earned’ paying for translations of the Koran into Yiddish and the Torah into Arabic ready for the newly translated versions to be distributed to the warring fractions of the Middle East only to be told to shove them “somewhere dark!”
Forgive this simple Cat and the large and learned monarch of Qatar for believing that by being kind we could both show people that there is a better way other than violence. Not only that if the Israelis didn’t like what the money was spent on they could soon get rid of it couldn’t they with a few well placed as well as some disastrously place missiles aren’t they always blowing up something or someone in Palestine anyway?.
Frankly I don’t get it do you? The chubby and jovial King of Qatar and The Cat offering Israelis something for nothing and they turn it down, I think it goes against the religion doesn’t it?
This good looking Cat would like to thank everyone who came to the ‘Bring A Prawn Dance!’ last Saturday/Sunday and for some hardened party goers Monday too!
All in all we had a wonderful time in general and as you can see from the picture it got just a little wild.
Actually I do wish that I had used a picture on the invitations because some people and I won’t mention any names here brought err, how can I put this – oh yes – complete idiots, instead of Prawns.
Apparently a ‘Prawn’ in the human language can also mean a person who is not only not quite the ticket and has bought a bus ticket when they should have got one for a train, what can I say?
Well I suppose I could say that we had a right royal time with the idiots, but I won’t because a lot of people have accused me recently of being a bit of a royal basher and those who know me will agree that isn’t true, give me a choice between a Prawn and a royal and I will always eat the Prawn!
Actually I heard from a ‘reliable’ source that a well known royal had bought my best selling book and loved it, apparently it props the drawing room door open perfectly!
I wonder if they bought it here at Amazon.com that would have been nice.
A lot of people ask me about me, and although I am a subject that I never tire of speaking about I feel do have to admit that I feel dreadfully limited when talking about myself and that is simply because I am wonderful, have done so much, am so good looking and of course have endless talent all of which means I just don’t have enough time to tell people who are interested in me, about me, to say nothing of the people who aren’t interested in me.
Of course I have pondered what to do about this dilemma and happily have come up with what I am sure you will agree is quite a brilliant little ruse.
I thought I would, on an occasional basis, share some of my likes, dislikes, thoughts and so much more with you in little one line statements of truth!
It is better to call them ‘truths’ so that no one bothers to check to see if they are actually true! Have you noticed that it is something politicians learned many years ago around the time they also learned to shed their skins, to say nothing of the art of pretending to be in control when things have got so bad that if they were driving a car instead of running a country the steering wheel would have come off in their hands just as the speedo reached 160 mph, which of course converted for our metric only readers is um… very fast indeed.
So here, you lucky people is my little fact of the day, it is of course all about me and utterly true!
The largest number of books I’ve sat on, at one time, is 13!
Now don’t forget that you can also discover so much more about me if you buy my masterpiece of a book “Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary” which is still available at Amazon.com for next to nothing and have been described as wonderful not only by the author!