Tag Archives: The Cat’s Travelogue

Snow Comes To My Website & Blog

Once again this year to celebrate the season, Christmas and of course because I like the effect a lot, it has started snowing on The Cat’s Blog and my www.wickedlywonderfulwebsite www.thecatsdiary.com, or to be more accurate because as I explain in both my books Cat’s have a dreadful curse, we can’t tell a lie, it’s snowing all over The Cat’s Blog but only over the picture at the top of the page on my my www.wickedlywonderfulwebsite www.thecatsdiary.com.

I don’t know if you can see the snow in the picture below but I can truthfully say that it’s there (not being able to tell a lie is such a curse, I can tell you) maybe you should go to The Cat’s Blog and check out all the lovely snow for yourself.

There is also something new about the snow for this year on The Cat’s Blog and that is that you can make the snow go mad, change direction and even rather godlike make the snow stop! Just by using your mouse, track pad or if you are reading my The Cat’s Blog using an iPhone, iPad or iPod touch – your finger!

I wonder if that’s how god does the things he does? If that is there is a god ‘up there’ you have to imagine a Cat pointing his paw in a confused way ‘up’ as you read this bit!

Snow on Blog

Very soon this Christmasy kind Cat who writes blogs is going to bring you the ever popular Christmas lights to both The Cat’s Blog and my www.wickedlywonderfulwebsite www.thecatsdiary.com and yes don’t worry just like last year you will be able to pop, smash and generally destroy the pretty little twinkling lights when the ‘pleasure’ of all that Christmas fixed smile giving and general ‘joy’ gets the better of you and you feel an overriding urge to smash something.

Xmas Holly.png

Now for a little Christmas Quiz

Question: Where can you buy copies of my wonderful books?

Answer: Here!

Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary

Paperback edition of Getting Out at Amazon.com

Kindle edition of Getting Out at Amazon.com

The Cat’s Travelogue

Paperback edition of

The Cat’s Travelogue

Kindle edition of The Cat’s Travelogue

Mmh I don’t think I’ve quite got the idea or format of quizzes right, don’t worry I will keep trying while you go off and jingle you own bells – don’t you just love Christmastide?

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Stock of My Travelogue Arrives At My Webstore

At long last we have stocks of my latest and to date most wonderful masterpiece of feline literature ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ at my www-WickedlyWonderfulWebsite’s Store.

My book delivery Time Square NY

Quite frankly it has taken so long to get stocks because my wonderfully discerning and cuddly readers have been buying my wonderful book just as quickly as it has been printed and rushed to shops in enormous trucks and of course our biggest retailer www.amazon.com.

So now you can get your copy of ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ direct from the wonderful furry author and while reading it imagine I am sitting on your lap, and don’t forget as dear Clint Eastwood says for a few dollars more you can have what we now call the ‘Exclusive’ edition which will be signed by me and by my translator Mr. John Woodcock in one of his lucid moments.

Travelogue by John Woodcock

So, I have my paws crossed and I’m waiting patiently, hoping that all of my dear cuddly readers know what to do next and won’t disappoint me by not going to www-WickedlyWonderfulWebsite’s Store and buying at least one copy of my marvellous travelogue, if you liked ‘Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ I have a feeling you are going to love ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ and if you didn’t, then I don’t mind if you buy a few copies and give it to your least favourite relatives.

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Christmas Seems To Have Started

Xmas HollyIt’s odd Christmas seems to have started very early this year even before Thanksgiving and that surely is a record!

Still I can’t complain because my wonderful supportive and amazingly cuddly readers both old and new are buying my books in their thousands and apart from saying “please don’t stop,” I would like to thank them so very much for helping to keep a genius of a Cat warm this Christmas and indeed some way into the New Year.

Xmas HollyOf course I would stress that you, dear cuddly readers shouldn’t stop buying my books and that if you can you should buy even more because I have a little plan that I would like to share with you.

I plan to buy a Yacht! Well all sorts of successful people have Yachts and indeed a lot of people who are no longer very successful like poor old Stevie Spielberg who must be tearing his hair out wondering how to get a movie hit.

Here is a bit of advice for Steve – if you want a movie hit don’t what ever you do chose a story that is old and tired and written by a Belgian, oops sorry too late – isn’t the Tintin movie a bit of a Dog?

So what was I saying, oh yes I want to buy a Yacht, nothing too fancy just somewhere to entertain guests and special cuddly readers, sail the world and be very very comfortable – you do think I am worth it don’t you? Oops sorry for the l’Oréal moment!

Xmas Holly

Oh I nearly forgot with all of the Xmas excitement here is a silly picture from somewhere where being daft is being normal – the human world -and in particular Kenya.

Ladies and Gentlemen and all cuddly readers I give you a ‘Kenyan Suggestion Box!’ Isn’t it just the best suggestion box in the world and definitely deals appropriately with all of the idiot suggestions that you get in boxes of this sort.

You Know Where You Can Put Your Suggestions  Keyna

Xmas HollyLastly if you haven’t got the copies of my books that you intend to give as cherished Christmas presents this year there is still plenty of time if you shop at www.amazon.com or indeed www.amazon.co.uk. Just to help you there are some more specific links below, but before those I would like to draw your attention to a book written and illustrated by my translator John Woodcock.

His book is called Trams of Prague Kindle edition and it has been enjoying a bit of success recently. Obviously the tome is not selling as well as Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary or indeed my latest and greatest (to date) book The Cat’s Travelogue but it’s nice to see that the old boy has got what it takes to ‘make it’ on his own without my help, don’t you think?

If he sells a lot of copies of his book Trams of Prague I think I’ll buy him a rowing boat so he can visit me on my Yacht! You dear cuddly readers can help and buy his book here Trams of Prague Kindle edition. I thought I would show you a picture of the cover he is really rather good at illustrating and that’s handy because Trams of Prague is what they call in the trade – heavily illustrated.

Trams of Prague Kindle edition

Xmas Holly

If you need to save time and get whizzed straight to www.amazon.com to buy one or better still multiple copies of my books I have, being a kind and generous Cat, made it so very simple that even a human can do it. Just click one or all of the links below.

Xmas Holly

Paperback edition of Getting Out at Amazon.com

Kindle edition of Getting Out at Amazon.com

Paperback edition of The Cat’s Travelogue at Amazon.com

Kindle edition of The Cat’s Travelogue at Amazon.com

Xmas Holly

Of course I could go on and add more specific links to the www.amazon.co.uk pages of my books but this blog page is getting a little cluttered with links don’t you think? And worse you might thing that I was just after your money, and I promise that simply isn’t true! As I said above I want a Yacht!

Xmas Holly

Finally (honestly), do you get the impression from this blog that I rather like Christmas time and in particular Holly? Well if you do you would be right I really do because it is a great time to buy my books, so what are you waiting for?

Oldham’s Sign Erection Crew Visit Leeds

Oldham s Sign Erection Crew Visit Leeds

The lads and possibly lasses (in this politically correct world we live in) of the Oldham road sign erection crew have struck again, but this time you have to go to Leeds to see this marvellous example of the sort of careful workmanship and workwomanship (in this politically correct world we live in).

Their work is a fine example of the type of British craftsmanship and craftswomanship (of course) that David Cameron and all of the other deluded British politicians believe is going to make the UK a world power once again, to say nothing of ensuring that everyone has nice shiny shoes and all the trains not only run on time but are clean! Isn’t it great to ‘believe?’

If you don’t remember the fine example of Oldham’s road sign erection crew’s work from my previous blog here is an example as published by the Cat who writes Blogs i.e. me just before my birthday on November 14th.

If You want Craftsmanship don t go to Oldham

Of course if you missed my birthday you will be pleased to hear that I have no problem with presents, cards and cash arriving late, in fact I have said on any number of occasions that I am just like a politician in this respect – open to ‘presents’ at any time during the year!

Of course if you don’t remember when Oldham’s sign erection crew last struck just click here, aren’t they clever?

Don’t forget that the holidays are upon us, Thanksgiving in just a day or so away and Christmas as usual is lurking around the corner which means that you may well be stumped for what to get the children, the Dog, the family and all of the others that you have to buy presents for, my advice is don’t panic just go to either my www-wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com or indeed good old Amazon.com and order dozens of copies of my books. May I helpfully suggest that for people you really like you give both of my books to and for people you aren’t so keen on just the one!

Here are a few useful links to save you time and cut out the hours of concentrated thought that you would normally devote to choosing the right present for everyone.


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Toilet Confusion in Laos

The English language is a wonderful thing, it being the language of international business, used by airline pilots and ship’s captains of every nation and used in so many different ways.

The English language is also reasonably easy to use once you have learned a few rather odd idiosyncrasies such as the difference between ‘there’ and ‘their’ and just because the plural of Mouse is Mice don’t automatically expect House to do the same! All of which means that the English language like all good tools is easy to use.

However having said that the English language does seem to be a rather difficult brute to use if one wants to use it in translation, do check the example below a simple translation of Lao, the language of the country with almost the same name Laos, but then maybe learning English in a country that was once known as the kingdom of Lan Xang (or Million Elephants) is a problem, they certainly seem to have made it so!

Preventing Toilets In Laos From Doing What

If any dear cuddly reader can tell the poor confused cat what on earth preventing a toilet is then they may well win a copy of my latest unputdownable book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue.’

Travelogue by John Woodcock

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Odd Chinese Safety Instructions

In addition to a complete lack of expertise in making any kind of manufactured goods for the West that last, stealing islands in the South China Sea and interfering under Tibet’s skirts China is a place where there is not a great regard for humankind let alone animals, cough, such as myself, who can without any great effort find ourselves being accused of being a stray (which is such and insult in the Cat culture) rounded up and placed on a Shanghai dinner menu.

All of which means that when you see signs like the one below you do hope that they are followed to the letter by the hamfisted Dog and Cat eaters behind the Great Wall of China.

What Does This Sign Mean China Of Course

You know it’s amazing what you see when you are travelling the world researching a book. But all I can say is after spending nearly two, paw weary years, globetrotting that I am glad it’s over and you my dear cuddly readers can read ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ I am confident that it will bring more than a smile to your lips and like my other wonderful unputdownable book ‘Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ you will want to read it again and again.

Don’t forget as you are dusting off last year’s Holly and trying to glue back together the kids favourite Christmas decorations; to say nothing about trying to get the tree lights to work, that my books make excellent Christmas presents for all ages and while you are ordering your copies do make sure you get one for your good self, you have earned a bit of time curled up in a chair with an extremely good book like either of mine!

Just for you dear reader I have added some very useful links for you to click that will take you to my books on www.amazon.com or indeed my own www.wickedlywonderfulwebsite Travelogue Website or the normal one here www.thecatsdiary.com or my amazing virtual retail establish here my store at www.thecatsdiary.com.

You can get paperback or ebook copies of my first book ‘Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ here Amazon.com and my amazing second book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ either here The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or here The Cat’s Travelogue ebook depending upon whether you want an ebook of a paperback version duh! Silly cat you know that sorry!

Lastly and for those who might be er… how can I put this, a little hard of understanding, here are some pretty pictures of my books and lots of devices that you can read them on if you choose to buy my ebooks! If you choose to invest in the paperback editions of my wonderful books then I suggest you read them on your lap curled up in a nice armchair!

If you need any or all of these items in addition to dozens of copies my books then click away below to your hearts content they all come from www.amazon.com where you know you can shop safely and securely to say nothing about good old Amazon ensuring that anything you order arrives on time.

It almost goes without saying but this clever Cat who writes books and who writes blogs for your amusement and delight does receive a very small ‘consideration’ from www.amazon.com if you buy any of the items below using the link or links. Well we all need to scrape a together living don’t we? So if you are going to buy a KindleFire, and iPad, iPod or iPhone to read any of my books on then it wouldn’t do any harm to click the link anyway below would it?

Mmh sorry this was such a long blog especially for those of you with a short attention span but let’s face it this is an important time for Cats in the publishing industry, we make most of our cash at Christmas time and that is why I have to use every trick in the book to get you dear cuddly reader to part with yours.

You know it isn’t easy either, because there is a fine line between marketing and whining and then there apparently is the line that I have never paid too much attention to, the line beyond which marketing is considered bullying!

Just remember dear cuddly reader, if you can, that I’m merely a simple Cat and if I do seem to over sell my books it’s because I don’t know any better tee hee!

P.S.

Sorry if any clever human knows how to get the above links to sit together and could let a confused Cat know the aforementioned cat would be very grateful because it beats the Whiskas® out of me! And Cat food all over the floor is not at all nice, especially when it is Salmon and Sardine flavour!

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Fire Alarm Testes!

While researching my latest and most wonderful (to date) book which if you have been living in a cave or Rochdale and haven’t heard is called ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ I travelled the world and encountered strange people who erect bizarre signs in there very own edition of the English language.

Ladies and Gentlemen I give you “Fire Alarm Testes!” from sunny smog filled Shanghai.

Fire Alarm Testes Check How Long Too

What else can I add? Well I suppose the obvious what a load of rubbish, and did you see how long the brief Fire Alarm Test will take 8 hours! Mmh what an advanced nation!

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Oldham’s Bid To Rival China

Normally I ‘wobble on,’ as someone once said though I personally don’t agree, about the worse than dreadful craftsmanship (if you can call it that) of the Chinese and their hamfisted attempts to produce manufactured (and I use that word lightly) goods so it is with a heavy heart and a rarely experienced degree of reluctance that I give you Oldham’s attempt to take back some of the manufacturing jobs that they lost to China.

If You want Craftsmanship don t go to Oldham

Please note the precision and excellence of construction, the care and attention to detail and most of all the quality control.

As the sign says – well the bit that is the right way up that you can read – “Oldham is working for a co-operative borough” or words to that effect, while pondering just how many ‘work people’ (you can no longer call them ‘workmen’ in such a forward looking place) working ‘co-operatively’ it took to construct the sign I was also trying to work out what that strap line actually meant!

Are they suggesting that the entire area become some sort of enormous workers co-operative where more examples of this type of constructive freedom, that comes with this sort of endeavour, can be experienced you know like streetlights buried upside down and footpaths that foul dogs!

Here are some interesting (I promise) facts about Oldham

  • I didn’t visit Oldham when writing my latest block busting book ‘The Cats Travelogue’
  • Oldham is in England
  • England is in Europe
  • Oldham is a large town in Greater Manchester
  • Oldham has little early history to speak of
  • Oldham was a boomtown of the Industrial Revolution
  • Oldham was among the first ever industrialised towns
  • Oldham was the most productive cotton spinning mill town in the world at the height of the industrial revolution Oldham spun more cotton than France and Germany put together
  • In late May 2001 Oldham hosted 3 days of race riots
  • Oldham is a bit run down (see picture below of the railway station in 2010
  • Oldham is a bit run down

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    Save Tigers And Do It Now

    While having my breakfast of tasty Prawns with a side of Prawns and a bag of Prawns to go sitting next to me on the diner table I was reading the newspaper.

    I rarely read newspapers because I believe that if you want to ruin your day read a newspaper at breakfast and if you want to ruin your life become famous, like me, and have News International eavesdrop on your every phone call, read your mail, hack your computer and sift your trash while trying to gather dirt on you. So far that have failed thanks to my satellite phone a little tip I learned from someone I was talking to in the CIA several years ago.

    I have to say here that when I was talking to this lady from the CIA I thought that ‘CIA’ was an abbreviation for China International Airways and to be honest I didn’t discover what the letters really CIA stood for until I climbed aboard what I thought was a small China International Airways jet at an airport in Pakistan while researching my latest unputdownable book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ (available here The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition and if you want an ebook here The Cat’s Travelogue ebook boy was I in for a surprise I can tell you, and if you read my latest work of feline literary genius you will know exactly what I am talking about here!

    Anyway, so there I was reading the newspaper and getting ever more depressed, when I think I have reached rock bottom after reading three articles about four politicians in three totally different countries who were all displaying their own special type of ineptitude that singles them out for a career in politics when my eye caught this headline:-

    “Is it time to give up on Tigers and Pandas? – Controversial plans to save one species at expense of another are gathering pace”

    The it went on to say:-

    “A majority of professional conservationists believe it is time to consider shifting efforts away from some of the world’s most famous species, such as the Panda, to concentrate on others which have a greater chance of success.”

    Panda

    So is that what humans have come to? They have hunted animals to extinction destroyed their habitat to grow beef for McDonalds then a few decades ago seen the light and started to conserve species instead of running rough shod over them and now they have decided, because trying to protect animals is too much like hard work, to choose one species over another because they can’t cope with their own destructiveness which so drastically affects all of the other animals and creepy crawlies who share the planet Earth.

    Well all I have to say is shame on you humans for taking so much of the Earth’s resources and leaving so little for wildlife, shame on you conversationalists and in particular shame on the charity the World Wildlife Fund for taking so much money and pretending to give a damn about animals and obviously failing so miserably.

    I would also like to say that if there has to be a choice between Pandas and Tigers we should save Tigers they are not only better looking, they are also more interesting, more active, distant cousins of mine and better still if their numbers were to grow significantly they might just start getting their own back and start eating humans!

    2 Siberian Tigers

    At least there is one positive to come out of this article and that’s that you can stop giving your hard earned folding stuff to the WWF!

    As I have said time and again all charities are absolutely useless and this article proves that, if you ever doubted my word, instead you can of course send all of your spare cash to this Cat and make his life amazingly comfortable, unlike a charity I will spend you money wisely and choose only the finest Prawns, the best cars, hotels and employ only the most qualified staff to attend to my every need, which are many and various.

    I do hope that people start to see how dreadful charities are now in the light of what these conversationalists are proposing. I was telling people 15 years ago just how greedy and corrupt banks were and now they are seeing it, let’s hope it doesn’t take the same length of time for the public to see just how much alike charities and banks are, they only care about themselves and nothing else even the things they are set up to protect, help, nurture or whatever else they waffle on about as they hold their hands out for you cash.

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    Jessie The Cat Goes For A Little Walk 2,000 Miles

    After moving 2,000 miles from Ungarra, South Australia to a new home in Darwin high up in Australia’s Northern Territories in March last year Jessie The Cat went missing, her family looked everywhere for her but she was nowhere to be seen.

    A year later Jessie The Cat’s family had more or less given up any hope of ever seeing their wonderful Cat again until one day the people who had moved into Jessie The Cat family’s old house called them up and said that they had seen a strange Cat mooching around their house.

    Jessie The Cat’s family asked for a picture, just in case the strange cat wasn’t a stranger to them. The picture arrived and delighted Jessie The Cat’s family because – well you have guessed it, it was Jessie The Cat.

    Jessie The Cat had somehow managed to walk 2,000 miles back to her old home and her journey gets even more impressive when you look at the routes she may have taken, either Jessie The Cat crossed Australia’s searing desert or she took a very much longer coastal route to visit her old house and chums, until now Jessie The Cat hasn’t said which one she took or indeed whether she plans further adventures in the future.

    Jessie s Journey

    Just like Jessie The Cat your favourite genius of a feline author has been travelling, last year and indeed for a few years before I travelled the world researching my latest and most wonderful masterpiece of feline literature ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ and although I didn’t actually match Jessie The Cat’s feat on all fours I think I deserve a pat on the back don’t you?

    You can get The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or a copy of The Cat’s Travelogue ebook by clicking these links or the nice picture below!

    Travelogue by John Woodcock

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