Tag Archives: The Cat’s Travelogue

An unusual sign especially for the Olympics

Usually if I see a sign that has been deliberately altered or ‘defaced,’ to be more precise, I tend not to include it in my little collection of silly signs but as it’s Olympics fortnight I thought I would make an exception for this bilingual sign.

Swim in Poo

I believe that it’s also important to mention the Olympics today because Mr Cameron the Team GB Prime Minister has said that the Olympics should have a lasting legacy! Makes ten sound like the royal family for some reason – I suppose it is always because royalists are trying to justify their existence too when this last Diamond Jubilee Bank Holiday proved that the royals are a bigger waste of money than space by costing the nation several billion for an extra day off, and still they whine to give them a royal yacht, I just don’t get it do you?

Mind you he, Davy Cameron that is, did say all that Olympic nonsense at the same time as his government has announced that they will be getting rid of a lot of school playing fields, the very place where school age athletes train.

Still as more than half of the Team GB medal winners come from schools where rich parents pay a small fortune to educate their children in what the English call “private schools” these days and so that shouldn’t affect Team GB should it.

But sadly the mainly private school educated chumps in the Cameron government weren’t content with just snatching school playing fields, so that their rich buddies who donate to the party could build houses and industrial estates that will probably remain empty because of the recession, they went a little further and will sadly cancel the two hour cigarette break for school teachers who teach games and another subject.

All of which makes the sign above rather relevant because the UK as a whole and England in particular seems to be swimming in the very stuff it mentions – politicians who needs them?


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Panther Piss the perfect pick up

If you are feeling a little down in the dumps and need a bit of a pick me up then I think I have discovered the perfect tonic.

Strong stuff from South Africa

Panther Piss is probably ten times stronger than the more famous Piddle Beer from Dorset, in England, that a friend of mine likes to quaff in considerable quantities and reading the ingredients I can understand why! 90% Alcohol and more than a dash of Nitric Acid, wow strong stuff!

Now I have to say that I don’t know a lot about Panther Piss but I believe that it is an illegal liquor distilled in and then sold to the people of the Townships of South Africa, what I do know is that whoever makes the stuff in the Townships must really loathe their fellow humans beings.

So how I hear you ask, does Panther Piss do what I say it will do in the opening line? Simple really! If you know someone who is feeling a little down in the dumps and in need a bit of a pick me up then all you have to do is to threaten them with a dose of Panther Piss, I bet they will feel better immediately or sooner!


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Show me where this is on a doll?

There are some words that really shouldn’t be used in a sign, well that is what I think and to prove my point I offer you this sign!

Show me where this is on a doll please

Now as the title says do please show me where this place is on a doll!


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Golden rules for signwriting

Here are a few golden rules for signwriters:

1. Collect your thoughts before you start

2. Decide what you want to say concisely and clearly

3. Find a clean surface to work on

4. Employ the services of a competent translator if you are not working in your native language

5. Read the sign carefully for mistakes

Tips for signwriting collect your thoughts before you start

Clearly the signwriter here didn’t follow any of the golden rules above when he, or indeed she, decided to create the masterpiece of misinformation (above).


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Is it me or does this picture make you hungry?

I am ashamed to say it but this picture makes me ravenous!

Lunch

No before you call the emergency tree hugger brigade I have to explain the men on the boat are eating Prawns and frankly I want them, yes I want all their Prawns now and while I am at it anyone else’s too!

Please give me a Prawns or buy loads of copies of my wonderful books so that I can buy my own Prawns, after all that would be a great deal wouldn’t it? I like Prawns and my books are top of the Summer reading charts I am happy to say with millions of satisfied readers already so if you are doing some last minute shopping for you fortnight in the sun you could do no worse than getting one or both of my books and happily the covers are sun lotion proof.

In addition I have it on good authority that if you fall asleep with a copy of my book on your stomach it will protect you skin more efficiently than factor 80 suncream, how about that!


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Toulouse, where the bastards come from, apparently!

Toulouse where the bastards come from

Fancy that!

The only thing you can say in favour of this French sign is that it is bilingual! How cruel is it to highlight the number of people born out of wedlock as they used to say in the victorian times and still do in the Conservative Party in the UK.

Still at least we know where all the bastards come from in Toulouse don’t we!


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Urban Fox has a Muddy Escape

Franky the Fox an adorable young fox cub had what couldn’t exactly be termed a Bond like escape from a muddy spot of bother recently when he was pulled from a deep muddy hole on building site caked in mud.

Fox1

Four-month-old Franky the Fox who was rescued from an site close to London’s Canary Wharf, wasn’t apparently looking for a secret way into the London Olympics without paying he had just lost his way and fell into the deep hole and had little or no chance of escaping.

Happily a kindly builder spotted Franky the Fox and his slimy predicament and phoned the South Essex Wildlife Hospital who arrived promptly on the scene to take care of Franky the Fox.

The only harm that was done was that Franky the Fox was covered in a thick layer of dried sludge from head to foot which as you can see washed off – eventually.
Fox2

After a lot of rest and even more food Franky the Fox will be released into the wild with the warning presumably, “Don’t go near any deep muddy holes!” Let’s hope that Franky the Fox remembers this important warning in the future.


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Home cooking Tokyo style

We hope you like home cocking Tokyo

TEE HEE

It gets a bit embarrassing when the “About Me” section is long than my blog but I thought this picture spoke for it’s self, don’t you?


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Mitt Romney has done something that no one else could do!

According to articles in today’s English press, Mitt Romney has questioned whether Britain is ready for Olympic Games.

Yes believe it or not the Republican party presidential nominee actually questioned our/Britain’s ability to host London 2012 Olympics and asked whether the country is genuinely willing to “celebrate” the Games.

Mitt

So with one simple thoughtless comment Uncle Mitt has done what the London Olympics Organising Committee couldn’t do, the Prime Minister of the UK – sorry I forget his name, tall inconsequential faffy type of chap… you know, what’s his name? And indeed the rest of the people involved in the London Olympics, or should that be according to Lord Coe after so many years of calling the London Olympic Games the “London Olympic Games” – the “UK Olympic Games,” I’d call Mitt ‘a bit of a Prawn” but I like Prawns so I won’t, i’ll do better than that and let my cuddly readers on both sides of the Atlantic decide what to call him!

Of course no one in the UK, most of whom are jealous of London and Londoners if they live outside of London didn’t like the Olympics!

We, that is, the people, and Cats of course of the UK, don’t actually like most things including ourselves, but when some jumped up asset stripper and presidential no-hoper comes to our country and suggests that we are a bunch of idiots who couldn’t organise a polygamist wedding in a Tabernacle or whatever it was he said it strikes home I can tell you.

Only the British allow themselves to be criticised by the err… British and no one else, I bet Mitt and his various wives, if he is a true follower of the faith, can expect to be one of the 3,500 people in the new modern London Aquadrome who won’t be able to see the top board in the diving competition because of the curved roof which obscures the view of the highest diving board.

What a shame that the UK Border Agency immigration staff were working at Heathrow Airport when they let him instead of being on strike as they promised they would be, or is that why he came early?

Still I pity poor Mitt I wouldn’t like to be in his brogues, during this trip and then when he so many more foreign policy mistakes on the next legs of what is probably his first trip outside of the US, and then gets roundly beaten by the presidential incumbent who let’s face it has disappointed too many people all too often.


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Plastic Carrier Bags, Value for money and the Environment

Now that we all have to pay for our plastic carriers bags, to help save the environment, well that is the excuse that is made by retailers and the one time great providers of free eco-friendly carrier bags, is it time that we got something in return for our hard earned cash that is value for money?

Yes I think so!

Well that answer to my question was a little obvious because I am writing this blog from that point of view! But I hope you see what I mean.

Still my point is that Tesco and all of the other supermarket bandits shouldn’t be allowed to sell carrier bags that don’t live up to what name suggests and sadly fall well below the expectations of even a Cat, when the contents that have been crammed into the aforementioned carrier bag disappear out of the bottom and land below even the eye level of this vertically challenged Pussy!

There is, if I am not mistaken a point of law that says (in civilised western countries at least) that something which is bought from a retailer or any old third party should be of merchantable quality, isn’t there?

So having said that, would you my dear cuddly readers suggest that the carrier bag below is of that particular quality? Of course you wouldn’t, would you?

Tescos Carrier Bag

It not only failed in its mission to transport a sizeable shipment of mouth watering Prawns. It also spread those contents plus some rather personal items, which I prefer not to name, across the shopping mall floor, a shattering experience for the bottle involved and a highly embarrassing one for this poor humiliated and as yet uncompensated Cat.

Something has to be done to ensure that when we buy a carrier bag we get something that will do what the name suggests doesn’t it?

I suggest that someone start a campaign with of course my full moral support and backing, so long as I don’t actually have to do any hard work for that campaign because I am currently in mourning for a bag of Prawns and couldn’t bring myself to chain my person to the doors of a branch of Tesco – hint hint!

You know I have a feeling that there is more to this carrier bag nonsense than merely a clever supermarket getting extra cash for something they used to give away for free don’t you?

So convinced was I that there was something more to this that I even searched in the wonderful organ of misinformation and confusion ‘Google’ after typing “what happens to the money collected from selling plastic carrier bag that were once given away” I got these answers.

1. – “Americans throw away 100 billion plastic bags every year” Yeah right always blame the poor Americans, but what has that got to do with my question? Nothing of course!

2. “Firms faces penalties of up to £5000 if they give away single use carrier bags.” That seems a bit strong doesn’t it – still it was the Welsh Government website so…

3. Why do charity shops charge 5p for a used carrier bag when they’re selling clothes for 5 pence and selling books for 50 pence each?” Why indeed?

So after all that research – well I couldn’t stand reading more than a page of the nonsense that a Google search throws up so I gave up without any answers, but I did get loads of adverts served up to me selling things I didn’t need, have you noticed that Google always vomits nonsense doesn’t it? You would think that at least one advert would have mentioned “shopping bag” but it didn’t!

So sadly I can’t tell you where the 5p collected goes, although I suspect it goes towards the profits of the retailer involved and don’t blame them the scheme has to be inforced because it is the law.

I did laugh at this quote from one government website.

“What is a single-use carrier bag?

A single-use carrier bag is a bag that is not designed for substantial reuse and are often given out with the aim of transporting your goods home for just one trip. These are most often plastic bags but can also include paper bags too.”

Now I don’t know about you but I use paper and plastic carrier bags more than once to carry my Prawns home from the shop in and after that I use them as bing bags for my kitchen bin, although I have a suspicion that I should buy bin bags and use them for shopping first because they are so much cheaper at 2p according to the Tescos website page here Tescos website – Bin Liners and pictured below.

Tescos Bin Liners

It’s so true these days that high earning tax avoiders, The Tax Man, Politicians, Bankers, Multinationals and of course Supermarkets are all looking to take advantage of us.

As Leonard puts it in the Big Bang Theory when he trying to tell Dr. Sheldon Cooper that he has been compromised.

“Alright, well let me see if I can explain your situation using physics. What would you be if you were attached to another object by an incline plane wrapped helically around an axis?”

Dr. Sheldon Cooper: “Screwed?”

Leonard: “There you go.”


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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