Nov 102011
 

While having my breakfast of tasty Prawns with a side of Prawns and a bag of Prawns to go sitting next to me on the diner table I was reading the newspaper.

I rarely read newspapers because I believe that if you want to ruin your day read a newspaper at breakfast and if you want to ruin your life become famous, like me, and have News International eavesdrop on your every phone call, read your mail, hack your computer and sift your trash while trying to gather dirt on you. So far that have failed thanks to my satellite phone a little tip I learned from someone I was talking to in the CIA several years ago.

I have to say here that when I was talking to this lady from the CIA I thought that ‘CIA’ was an abbreviation for China International Airways and to be honest I didn’t discover what the letters really CIA stood for until I climbed aboard what I thought was a small China International Airways jet at an airport in Pakistan while researching my latest unputdownable book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ (available here The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition and if you want an ebook here The Cat’s Travelogue ebook boy was I in for a surprise I can tell you, and if you read my latest work of feline literary genius you will know exactly what I am talking about here!

Anyway, so there I was reading the newspaper and getting ever more depressed, when I think I have reached rock bottom after reading three articles about four politicians in three totally different countries who were all displaying their own special type of ineptitude that singles them out for a career in politics when my eye caught this headline:-

“Is it time to give up on Tigers and Pandas? – Controversial plans to save one species at expense of another are gathering pace”

The it went on to say:-

“A majority of professional conservationists believe it is time to consider shifting efforts away from some of the world’s most famous species, such as the Panda, to concentrate on others which have a greater chance of success.”

Panda

So is that what humans have come to? They have hunted animals to extinction destroyed their habitat to grow beef for McDonalds then a few decades ago seen the light and started to conserve species instead of running rough shod over them and now they have decided, because trying to protect animals is too much like hard work, to choose one species over another because they can’t cope with their own destructiveness which so drastically affects all of the other animals and creepy crawlies who share the planet Earth.

Well all I have to say is shame on you humans for taking so much of the Earth’s resources and leaving so little for wildlife, shame on you conversationalists and in particular shame on the charity the World Wildlife Fund for taking so much money and pretending to give a damn about animals and obviously failing so miserably.

I would also like to say that if there has to be a choice between Pandas and Tigers we should save Tigers they are not only better looking, they are also more interesting, more active, distant cousins of mine and better still if their numbers were to grow significantly they might just start getting their own back and start eating humans!

2 Siberian Tigers

At least there is one positive to come out of this article and that’s that you can stop giving your hard earned folding stuff to the WWF!

As I have said time and again all charities are absolutely useless and this article proves that, if you ever doubted my word, instead you can of course send all of your spare cash to this Cat and make his life amazingly comfortable, unlike a charity I will spend you money wisely and choose only the finest Prawns, the best cars, hotels and employ only the most qualified staff to attend to my every need, which are many and various.

I do hope that people start to see how dreadful charities are now in the light of what these conversationalists are proposing. I was telling people 15 years ago just how greedy and corrupt banks were and now they are seeing it, let’s hope it doesn’t take the same length of time for the public to see just how much alike charities and banks are, they only care about themselves and nothing else even the things they are set up to protect, help, nurture or whatever else they waffle on about as they hold their hands out for you cash.

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Oct 242011
 

I am a very innocent, nice and extremely well brought up Cat and so when I was trolling through India researching my latest blockbusting and unputdownable book called ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ (available here The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition) I couldn’t help but be confused by the sign below.

Odd Indian Road Sign  What Do They Mean

If anyone knows what on earth the Indians are on about do let me know! Or if you can guess why two young men in skirts are following an older man in orange shorts into an Accident Porn Area I would be interested to know. My theory is that the young men are planning a Porn Accident? Well I suppose they are in the right place aren’t they!

In the meantime if you want to read my wonderful travelogue do please click here for the The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or here for the Kindle edition The Cat’s Travelogue ebook.

Travelogue by John Woodcock

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Sep 192011
 

It’s really a very exciting day today. I am with my designers in New York going over the final selection of cover designs for my soon to be published second book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue.’

You know I was pleasantly surprised, the cover designs are all really nice, except one that is which uses the most unflattering photograph of me, I do hope that we don’t use that design!

Unfortunately I have discovered that I have a little problem and that problem is that book publishing is (according to my publisher) a collaborative endeavour so we will be using the cover that is chosen by the majority. Mmh what do you think about that dear cuddly reader, you know what they say about things chosen by committees don’t you!

I have to say it came as something of a shock to discover that publishing my book was a “collaborative endeavour” because I would like to know where the designers, my agent Mr. Todd A Leibowitz call me “Todd” and my publisher were when I was knee deep in some of the less attractive countries around the world and just how close they were from swooping in and rescuing me when a mob of Pakistani religious fools were after my ‘Bacon’ just because they thought I was Danish? Not close at all is the answer.

Still I’ll forgive them their stupidity if we “sell as many of these ponies as we did the last Buckaroo!” To quote my Agent Mr. Todd A Leibowitz call me “Todd.” We apparently will be in “millionsville” once again. What can I say? I am so pleased and of course confused.

I am afraid when I listen to my agent Mr. Todd A Leibowitz call me “Todd,” publisher and the designers all talking excitedly at once I feel a little handicapped, not by the fact that they are speaking American, a language which is very close to English the language I first learned when I started to write my first ‘unputdownable’ book, the trouble is that when I hear them all talking at once, firing buzz words into the conversation as if they were machine gun bullets at a we hate Saddam/Americans rally in Iraq I just can’t keep up, and worse every so often they clap a hi five above my head and shout “YAY” when they agree on something all of which is beyond me.

I just hope that the last hi five and round of “YAYS” wasn’t something to do with the committee choosing the design for the book! I feel I should ask but they are just too busy congratulating themselves currently. Maybe there will be time later, although after lunch I am being whisked out to the airport and sent home, yes my agent Mr. Todd A Leibowitz call me “Todd” is paying for my stay which is probably why it’s so short.

Anyway as soon as I can I will post the ‘winning’ design on my blog and hope that all my fans let me know what they think of it. I think it’s really a good idea to let my lovely fans see the cover of my new book in advance of publication because then they will know what to grab off the book store’s shelves.

Of course ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ will not only be available in your local bookstore it will also be available on Amazon.com as an ebook or a proper book and all of the other places you can possibly think of to get ebooks and the old style paper books.

The timing of publication is designed cleverly to catch the Christmas rush if the banks don’t bankrupt us all first! So please make sure that you buy at least two copies and one for your good self dear cuddly reader because they make excellent presents for everyone!

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Jul 282011
 

As the sign says “Sod Today” and while you are about it I suppose you could “Bugger Tomorrow!”

I saw this sign when I was tottering around the planet while researching my wonderful unputdownable next book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ I was in, where else, America of course, I love the American attitude but unfortunately the “Sod Today” ideal seems to be coming home to roost and things are getting tight for a nation that doesn’t know what living above your means err, means!

Sod Today And Bugger Tomorrow

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Jul 182011
 

I love travelling, though it has to be said that I didn’t really enjoy the travelling I did while researching my forthcoming blockbusting, unputdownable bestselling book, which if you haven’t heard is a Travelogue, called rather cleverly I thought, ‘The Cat’s Travelogue.’

Not only didn’t I enjoy the travelling I was more or less forced to visit countries that I would never ever think of travelling to, such as oh Bangladesh, Pakistan and two or three African countries, where even the locals don’t want to live in if they can help it and are desperate to immigrate from.

One of the great things about travelling is that you get the opportunity to taste the local cuisine or if you go to France you get to taste recipes stolen from the world’s master cooks the Italians.

Sometimes when you travel to countries where, for reasons best known to themselves, they have yet to learn one’s language their attempts to translate a menu into English has me (and I hope everyone else or I am wasting my time here) rolling in the aisles.

Here is a wonderful menu from a rather quaint restaurant in Madrid, as I said I rather fancy the ‘Fried Big Holes’ mainly because they must be better than the ‘Calluses to the Madrilenian’ surely?

Mmh I Think I ll Have 2 Plates of Big Holes  Madrid

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Jan 142011
 

The Cat would like to say a big hello to everyone who was lucky enough to get a nice shiny e-reader for Christmas and extend that very big hello to everyone who got an Apple iPad too.

Just out of interest how many iPad owners are on their second one after their first dreadfully assembled thing broke? Ok! And now how many are on their third iPad? Proving that the bloody Chinese can’t ‘make’ anything properly! Lastly who, like me, are on their fourth iPad proving that Monkeys could make better iPads than the Chinese and that not only do I have a lot of patience but so do the people at the Apple Centre. Of course this is the worst type of indictment against having anything what so ever made in China – we have to stop this nonsense demand that your goods are made locally for good ness sake it will be more economic and eco-friendly in the long run.

What is wrong with having things made in Ohio or Barnsley or indeed Prague? Nothing! These days as wages start to go through the roof in China and the cost to the environment of shipping what tends to be ‘broken’ merchandise out of China makes buying things made badly in China a non-starter.

Sorry I interrupted myself there for a moment, my regular readers are used to that and know that I will always veer or occasionally lurch back to the point which is. Hello to all you good people who got an e-reader or iPad for Christmas.

The Cat on iPad.png

It’s just a thought but if you are looking for something wonderful to read on your new e-reader, Kindle or iPad don’t look any further than my wonderful best selling book you can get in all of the usual formats that will enable you to read it on any e-reader, here’s a tip for ipad users – personally I would download the e-pub version of my masterpiece from my website here at my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com for the simple reason that I will earn more than if you buy it through Apple who have to pay so much for dumping badly made Chinese iPads.

If it is a Kindle edition of my peerless book you are looking for then just simply click here Amazon.com or indeed ‘on’ this wonderful picture of me on the cover of my marvellous unputdownable book.

The Cat & Kindle.png

Oh one last thing! After you have read my wonderful book please let me know here or at the Amazon site here Amazon.com what you think of it I love hearing from new and old fans.

If you have an odd e-reader, that is err… how can I put this a little odd – no that isn’t right what I mean is a cheap Chinese knock off of any of the main branded e-readers or iPads let me know if in the unlikely event that my marvellous ebook doesn’t work on your new machine and I will ensure, as soon as I am able, that you have one of my ebooks in the format that best suits your machine in fact I’ll have my boffins on the case as soon as I can.

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