Jul 012013
 

Yes, if you are looking for more from a hat than just keeping the sun out of your eyes or creating a weird mark around your head then look no further because the clever old Israelis have come up with a ‘winner.’

Fany hats an Isreali speciality

Yes that’s right a hat that doubles as a fanny or is that fany! This of course means so much more to use English speakers, in the US it is a back bottom and in the UK a front one tee hee!

About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

I would like to tell you all about something new and rather nice that you can get from the Apple iBooks store at last, yes it’s my wonderful first book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ so what are you waiting for you lovely Apple users?

Dec 202011
 

As the title correctly says for a lot of us it is time nearly to slide into some shiny Gore-Tex, sharpen our elbows and practice being rude to anyone who gets in our way as preparation for attacking the nearest ski slope! Or it would be if you are going skiing anywhere that caters for the British and German riff raft tourist.

The areas blighted by these ignorant ski slope bullies include most of France, Austria and Italy and unfortunately a lot of the slopes on the west coast of the US.

If you want a nice quiet ski without being knocked over by some idiot who believes that they can ski in-between breaking a leg then the best place to go is, in my case, ‘local.’

There is of course is yet another reason to go ‘local’ this year and that reason is that a lot of the ‘popular’ (and for ‘popular’ just substitute ‘cheap’ ski resorts where the skiing riff raff assemble to knock each other over on the slopes by day and drink each other under the table by night) don’t actually have any snow – something to do apparently with global warming.

Still never mind about the riff raff happily they won’t be skiing where I am going skiing this year or indeed where we took a little Winter hol at the begging of this year, as you can see from the picture below we went to Switzerland at the beginning of the year.

I have to say that Switzerland is a spooky place. While we were up in the Swiss Mountains we decided to take a tour of the many and various Cheese and Watch factories instead of skiing it is amazing what you will do when you get bored isn’t it?

Anyway we hopped on the Snow-Express which is the name for a little coach tour can you imagine our surprise at the name of the tour company? Well happily though of you who are hard of understanding and imagining don’t have to imagine actually or indeed to imagine too hard because it’s on the back of the bright red coach below.

Swiss www

I have to say that after the unusual experience of our little wwwank-tour we felt rather glad to be back on the ski lifts the next day as you can imagine.

I have to say I love ski lifts, probably more than skiing, well you try skiing with four skis strapped to your feet! Skiing is hard enough to do when you just have the two! Although I don’t like the concept of snowboarding I’ve had a go a couple of times now and think that it’s really a way of getting down a snow covered mountain that was probably designed more for Cats to use than for humans. I took to it like a Duck to water.

So this year when I go skiing I won’t be getting someone to lug all of my skis to the slopes I will just get them to carry my snowboard instead.

Skilift

Although nothing to do with any of the above really, I mentioned that I was going off skiing in the New Year to Špindlerův Mlýn in the Krkonoše Mountains which is one of the highest and the most popular mountain ranges in Bohemia and indeed the Czech Republic’s best known ski areas and a nice group of Czech fans of The Cat who writes blogs made some Cat Cup Cakes just for me, aren’t they nice – the cup cakes and the fans!

Cat Cup Cakes


About the Author – The Cat who writes blogs!

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Dec 012010
 

It is true I am a bit late with this news and there are two reasons for that, the first is that I have been thinking very hard about the momentous achievement that is in this piece of news and secondly well we’ll get to that…

When I heard this news at first I though “huh…and!” Which of course is not a good place to start when considering Universe shattering (literally) news.

Then as I started to digest the news that scientists at the Large Hadron Collider (which lies under the lower priced areas of Swiss real estate next to France) have come the closest ever to re-enacting the beginning of the Universe (and we are talking about the Big Bang here and not some godlike being with a cement mixer) reproducing conditions a millionth of a second after the Big Bang I thought to myself “Makes you wonder why they didn’t go for the exact moment of the Big Bang rather than a millionth of a second after the Big Bang?”

Hadron C.jpg

What stopped them going right back to the beginning? The scientists have a very big machine – collider thingy! They have shed loads of cash, probably expresso coffee machines, a nice staff canteen and I’ll wager Prawns on tap! But still they didn’t go for the ‘big one’ the exact moment of the Big Bang. Was this some flaw in the character of the lead scientists, too cautious to stretch that little bit farther I wondered?

The I started to wonder (yes I did a lot of ‘wondering’ but then this is ‘wonderful’ isn’t it?) what did they get out of all of the time, money and commitment expended? The answer is a computer generated picture (below) and frankly not the best picture of a Big Bang I have seen!

If you want a great picture of the Big Bang then just look at the picture below the scientist’s one – it is the cover of a book/animated movie pitch that my translator John Woodcock is working on about some prehistoric dogs called Desmond, Denis and Dwight the ‘Dino Dogs’ frankly I think that is a much better, more interesting illustration and we all know his ‘limitations’ don’t we bless him!

Alice Event.jpg

The Dino Dogs at the Beginning of Time an animated movie – the Dino Dogs are also available for parties, speeches and lamp post washing.

Bang Cover Third Draft.jpg

Then after all that thinking (and don’t forget the ‘wondering’) I eventually thought to myself ‘I don’t really care what the pictures look like science is a wonderful thing and the Large Hadron Collider is brilliant and better still it is located under France and Switzerland and if it does happen to blow up anytime in the future it probably won’t affect yours truly and that frankly is the most wonderful news!’

LATE NEWS

I have some excellent news about my wonderful masterpiece of a book. My publisher put down his wine glass the other day, sobered up for a while and “arranged to send Amazon a new load of books” or that is what he said!

book-cover.jpg

Yesterday I contacted Amazon who were, as I said the other day, panicking about meeting demand and supply etc., and they say that they have received the consignments and tucked them safely away in their warehouses in the US, Australia and the UK all of which means that my fans won’t be disappointed you can of course order a book here Amazon.com or if you want to put more of the cash in my pocket then you can get the ebook or the paper version at my www – wickedly wonderful website – www.thecatsdiary.com.

It is good news that they got to the UK warehouse to beat the little bit of snow they had – there has been about an inch of snow in the UK and of course that means that the roads are blocked, trains aren’t running and worst of all the BBC Breakfast News has dedicated itself to the snow and the problems it has caused – what a shame this ‘world leading power,’ the UK and not the BBC obviously. is brought to its knees by an inch or two of snow!

Maybe instead of acting like a ‘world power’ which it no longer is, the UK should stop lending $13 billion to Ireland, sending aid money to India and China and invest in a little bit of salt and snowplows for the roads – you know do something for the poor devils trying to get to work, school and of course the airport to get out of the place who read my blog on a daily basis and who I care for as thought they are family and are now sitting abandoned in Cars, Trains and the staff accommodation of Sevenoaks railway station with only the ever dreadful BBC to listen to!

Here in Prague in the Czech Republic (for the geographically challenged) it was minus 12C overnight it has been snowing on and off for four days and the snow is thick and crunchy and it’s also cleared from all of the major roads, most of the other roads that matter, and the sidewalks as well, even as I write this blog the little orange van that comes around to empty the trash bins on the sidewalk has stopped to empty the bin – today it has been fitted with a snowplow and has a grit spreader on the back clever eh? Well no not according to the British who would say that the Czech Republic is ex-communist and therefore a bit backward and nowhere nears as modern as the UK!

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Nov 272009
 
FatCatDryfood.png

It is true! Not all fat Cats are Bankers, according to those nice people at Purina a third of all pets in the UK are overweight,* so if that is the case what about the numbers in the states? It doesn’t bear thinking about does it?

So what are we going to do? I know, you could feed us Cats Prawns! Prawns are the perfect food they are full of energy, protein and not at all fattening. And of course some vegetarians eat Prawns, you know the ones I mean who don’t understand the word ‘vegetarian.’

Still I would happily live just on a diet of Prawns. So if you want to send me buckets or lorry loads I will happily munch my way to fitness.

Editors note:
As you will know from his book “Getting Out Excerpts From A Cat’s Diary,” available here Amazon.com,The Cat is sadly addicted to Prawns and although he is allowed them once in a while as a treat to send lorry loads to him as he suggested would be impractical, so please if you have followed his instructions and the lorries are on their way to The Cat Headquarters do please stop them and turn them around now.

The image used in this blog is deliberately distorted to preserve anonimity of this poor flabby feline, but we know who you are chubby chops don’t we!

* Source http://www.purina.co.uk

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Nov 212009
 
kippers.png

Here is some really wonderful news! I remembered that I forgot – does that sound right? Well never mind! I remembered that I forgot to tell you all about kippers when I mentioned them a while ago, but I have remembered now and found a nice picture of the tasty treats so here is the information that you have probably been waiting for!

A kipper is made from a fish called a herring. When kippers are made they use the whole herring and just split from tail to head, then they take out the nasty wobbly bits, salt it and then cold smoked it for a while in a smoke house.

Humans and Cat’s in the UK and the US often eat grilled kippers for breakfast and they are sublime with butter and a poached egg or two.

Some humans and all Cats in the UK eat kippers for high tea or supper and they are beyond divine and most Cat’s, like me, would kill for them, though it has to be said we rarely do!

There I hope that helps do let me know if you want any more information on kippers or indeed any other fish, I like to pride myself that I am a bit of an expert on fishy things.

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