Jun 262012
 

As followers of my blog may remember this weekend I followed in the footsteps of the Red Army and progressed through Poland, into the old GDR (East Germany sans Erich Honnecker obviously) and then on to Berlin.

Unlike the Red Army, after the war, I returned home, but I have come back with some great pictures.

Here is one of Görlitz, a medieval town that lies on the banks of the river Lusatian Neisse. Today they say that Görlitz is opposite the Polish town of Zgorzelec but actually they were the same town until 1945 but that doesn’t detract from its beauty.

Gorlitz

The town is so picturesque that several movies have been shot there, ‘The Reader,’ ‘Inglourious Basterds’ and ‘Around the World in 80 Days’ to name the only three I know, mind you I can dazzle you a little and show I was listening to the chap who was telling me all of this and now mention that Quentin Tarantino shot the movie-in-a-movie ‘Stolz der Nation (Pride of the Nation)’ for ‘Inglourious Basterds.’ Unfortunately for Görlitz the location of the story is Sicily!

The folks who made ‘Around the World in 80 Days’ used Görlitz as a location and shot the ‘Paris’ footage there, if you see what I mean.

So now onto the sign which I thought was rather jolly! It’s in German, a language that likes to bolt words together like oh I don’t know um… ‘Schwangerschaftverhütungsmittel’ which means contraceptive or even better ‘Unkameradschaftlichkeit’ which is a form (as if there are different types!!!) of unsporting-like behaviour!

Don t miss this in Germany

Yes you read it correctly and no I am not going illuminate here, I think it’s sufficient to say that the Germans have a ‘place’ for people who are old and a little unsavoury – must be all that sauerkraut I imagine!


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Jun 222012
 

There has been talk recently that Comrade Putin is, even at this early stage in his dictatorship, planning for his retirement and investigating the possibilities of launching his own brand of Vodka.

Comrade Putin

I would like to here and now put the record straight on this and tell you what he told me in a slurred telephone conversation recently. He “is not thinking just yet about anything but running Russia.” So I suppose you could say he was “Putin it off!”

Putinoff Vodka

I am, I have to say not convinced and if you happen to live in Europe check out the supermarket shelves of Lidl and tell me that this is not a clever bit of trial marketing!

PS.

Sorry about the old photo Vlad, but doesn’t it remind you of the old days?


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Jun 212012
 

You have to hand it to the world’s future overlords, now that the west have stopped buying the electronic rubbish that the Chinese make so badly, so quickly and that last for such a short amount of time when you take them out of the box, they are starting to rely on their more traditional skills such as running a Chinese restaurant.

Desperate for your custom

It is such a shame that their advertising reads like the written instructions that come straight out of box with their broken electronic gadgets isn’t it?

Or, and this idea might just make your brain tingle, have the Chinese finally worked out that their, oh let’s call it “Chinglish” has a certain charm and should be used in advertising? I hope not because they are wrong surely.


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Jun 182012
 

Quite often you see a sign and it speaks for itself, I have a feeling this one from a restaurant in Mumbai doesn’t know when to shut up don’t you?

We will make you have a good time India


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Jun 152012
 

I heard that in Britain the idiot who runs the country’s finances is going to lend the banks, the very people who caused the banking crisis, between (a maximum of) 80 and 140 billion pounds sterling, depending upon the newspaper you read. The timing is probably dependant upon the rate of decline in the governments’ popularity.

This started me thinking what are other countries doing to alleviate problems with their economies? So I began looking around the world to find out and the results were quite surprising.

First I saw that Spain’s football team had rather cleverly beaten the Republic of Ireland’s team, which in itself, I understand, is not a hard task but enables the nation’s team to progress into the last ‘8,’ being just a simple Cat I have no idea what that means but I understand that it’s something that every European country desires currently and only the Germans (as usual) are assured of!

In the end my search brought me to the picture below, it comes from one of my favourite targets China, and is a menu suggestion for families trying to eek out their food budget and handed down from the very top – that’s the corrupt little fat geezers who used to wear red army style uniforms to show they were true communists, but now wear shiny Armani suits to prove that they are kleptocrats.

What is it with the Chinese

Whether the rest of the world will start tucking into Roast Bowel and Egg is difficult to say because I think only the Chinese can afford the Egg as an ingredient because they are the ones hoarding the rest of the world’s cash.


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Jun 142012
 

I am not kidding you ‘Wanka’ ice cream is big in China especially where this picture was taken in Shanghai and although you probably won’t believe it the Chinese have no idea that what they have called their favourite ice cream is more than a little off putting to western tastes.

This really is an Ice Cream Shanghai

But then this lack of comprehension that their sought after ice cream is a source of mirth and usually prompts westerners to ask, when they see the sign above, if “anyone wants a …” and then collapse with laughter is no surprise really. The Chinese are a nation of strange people with a strange language who if you remember managed to take offence when Coca Cola started advertising their tooth rotting beverage in China all because “Coca Cola” translated phonetically means “bite the wax tadpole.” Yummy!

Words, like signs are powerful things in the wrong hands as this Cat knows tee hee, I am something of a master of feline literature as you know if you have read my PR, let alone my peerless books and since learning some English I have progressed to other bits of languages from around the world which I mainly picked up when researching my latest book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue.’

In fact I tended, because of the situations I found myself in, to learn only commands and more often than not swear words and can now fluently swear in dozens of languages, though until recently I hadn’t learned any Chinese swear words, happily I resolved that by learning the worst swear word in the Chinese language, would you like to know what it is? Of course you would! Well it’s “Democracy!”


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Jun 132012
 

Hello all my dear cuddly readers from smog filled Dalian to boiling Dallas and sunny Lanzhou to polluted London, I thought that you should know that John Woodcock who of course is better known as my translator has something of a personal announcement and so I have donated some incredibly valuable blog real estate (at a modest fee) to allow him to tell you all about it!

John Woodcock’s very talented daughter Jo is appearing in a new BBC TV series which will be on your screens every night next week starting Sunday @ 10.25pm. The series is called “True Love” and is about older people taking younger lovers – Jo being one of the younger lovers of course.

Here below is the front cover of the Radio Times (an English TV listing magazine) which features the series.

Photo 1

Happily for all my wonderful cuddly readers in the US of A you’ll be able to see “True Love” on HBO soon I think, if you have the right equipment of course and I know my cuddly readers always have the right equipment, don’t you!

Here, if you need reminding, is a recent snap of Jo so that you know who to cheer for in the divan wrestling matches – if there are any tee hee.

Jo at Night

This is what the BBC had to say about the series.

“Created and directed by Bafta winning Dominic Savage, True Love stars David Tennant, Ashley Walters, Billie Piper, Jane Horrocks and David Morrissey. BBC One’s first improvised series, it explores five powerful and overlapping love stories set in the same town.

The first episode centres on Nick, who is happily married: his wife and children are everything to him, but when his first love appears out of the blue he starts to question everything. Could they go back to what they had all those years ago?

Cast: Nick is played by David Tennant, Ruth is played by Joanne Froggatt, Serena is played by Vicky McClure, Michelle is played by Lacey Turner, Darren is played by Luke Bryant and Lorraine is played by Jo Woodcock.”

Sounds good doesn’t it? But then I know someone who is related to one of the cast so I might be a little bias!


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Jun 122012
 

As you know I love signs and I love to share my love of signs with my dear cuddly readers, here is one of my favourite signs. It is Italian and is a perfect demonstration of the way that not every sign translated into English becomes a monster of the English language, no that only happens when the Chinese translate signs.

We do what it says on the sign

Speaking of signs, I heard of one just now, someone sent me a message about a sign they had just seen. The sign was apparently stuck to a large wheelie (trash) bin (under two pairs of spectacles) sadly my informant didn’t include a picture, but then the handwritten sign was in Czech so only a minute percentage of the population of the world would have understood it anyway, and of course I can’t be included in that tiny group.

Anyway the sign said “lost glasses” and was sitting next to two, yes two pairs of glasses, as you can see the Czechs are not great ones for the capitalisation of their words or indeed punctuation marks which is sad really because the statement could be just that a statement or a question. As in “look two gloat glasses!” Or “are these two pairs of glasses lost?” Or indeed “have you lost two pairs of glasses?”

Still who can fault a nation of such honest people, if this was England the glasses would have either been stolen, or more likely smashed by some moron, just for the hell of it.

The sad thing is that it is possible that the person who lost the glasses won’t actually be able to see the two pairs of glasses neatly balanced on the wheelie bin under the “lost glasses” sign because they might not have a spare pair of specs as it would seem that they have lost not only their main pair of glasses but their spare ones too.

What a pity, obviously June 12th is not someone’s day, I do hope that it gets better and he or she finds his “lost glasses”.


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Jun 112012
 

Have you ever wondered if there is one organisation that is so powerful, so clever, and so canny that they advise every single international bank?

If you have wondered then you would be right and The Cat has managed to get a photograph, and publish it for the first time ever in any publication, of the offices of the geniuses who advised JP Morgan only recently and in the past have offered sound investment advice to such risk taking heroes of the financial world as Goldman Sachs, Citibank and well you get the picture…

Ladies and gentlemen, and of course my dear cuddly readers I give you CHANCY INVESTMENTS of Malawi honest advisers to the banking world, who’d have thought that the world’s entire banking system was run, and of course regulated, by such an august institution.

Advisers to all international banks Malawi



About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Jun 072012
 

I heard from those small, but persistent bullies, the Chinese government again this week and I have to say I didn’t like their tone at all!

Apparently I have been unfairly picking on them and their comrade translators and “making too much funiness from their work the hardest.” Whatever that means. Happily as we speak I haven’t received the sort of cyber going over that either Google, for pointing out ways to overcome draconian censorship and the US government for causally publishing the pollution figures for Chinese cities – which if you’ve missed them are soberly described by some experts as “off the scale.”

Now, this Cat has been accused of being a lot of things but one of those things is not stupid and so I thought I would pick on India, not for a change because I think that like that other titan of economic growth and future leader of the world who’s inhabitants manage, despite their government saying otherwise, to do some really dreadful things, one of which is to condone underage marriage of little girls to old men and little boys to old women.

Best served with a child bride I expect Rajasthan

Here is a quote from the Asian Tribune which is published by World Institute For Asian Studies and sums up the attitude of Indians today towards child marriages.

“Chetram, a 56-year-old man residing in a rural village of the Surguja district of Chhattisgarh, who gleefully boasted of marrying six girls to date, all between the ages of eight and 16 years when he was 10, 14, 17, 23, 25, and finally 47 years old.”

So come on India you can launch rockets into space, brag about your economic growth, but you can’t stop dirty old men and women marrying little girls and boys – shame on you.

There that should keep the Chinese off my back for a while shouldn’t it?


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”


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