Tag Archives: WWW

It Was Snowing!

Koyla In a Tree.png

Today I got up just like any other normal day, hopped out of the bedroom window and into the very tall Pine tree outside. A devastatingly dangerous maneuver which I accomplish every day with not only elegance but also bravery and most of all style.

Outside it had started to rain and the Pine needles were giving off a sort of ‘Badedas’ aroma which if you happen to know what ‘Badedas’ actually is will tell you that I paused for a little while to enjoy the Pine Freshness while I got lightly soaked, but it was worth getting wet just to breath in the aroma.

After I had wriggled and squirmed my way down the centre of the tree, in a sort of worm like ‘on your belly like action’ I stepped out onto the grass which was wet and really very cold, actually I think that was when I noticed that the rain was very cold and to be honest it wasn’t really rain anymore it was sleet. I have always thought that sleet was nasty and insidious stuff which creeps into you fur and makes even a warm cuddly Cat feel cold.

To shelter from the sleet and try to stay warm I hopped, skipped and jumped under the cover of some beautiful white Chrysanthemums and started to – err well how can I put it? I did what I do every morning and night and sometimes at midday depending upon how the fancy takes me and my um, err ‘needs.’

No! You still haven’t worked out what I was doing? Humans! I was going to the toilet of course! Cats prefer an outdoor convenience whenever possible and so would you if you had to scrape around in a litter tray and although I don’t like plugging my wonderful book “Getting Out Excerpts From A Cats Diary” the Cat being me of course – you can read all about litter trays in it and if the fancy takes you buy it here Amazon.com and if you don’t want to feed a giant multinational you can always feed a really good looking Cat and get a copy from my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com.

So I was doing my ‘business’ as my Mum used to call it – she didn’t actually she was far to mock posh for that, but it is a great euphemism don’t you think? Then the sleet turned to snow right there in front of my eyes, now wonder the rain had been so cold nature was working herself up into a frosty frenzy!

I can tell you that I very quickly did a cover up that most politicians would envy, and made a snowy dash for the Pine tree and the warmth of my bedroom.

Have I mentioned my translator John Woodcock I do quite often in my wonderful book (see above) he is not the most exceptional member of the human race and when you humans actually finish your ‘race’ I expect him to be very close to the back. Like most marathon runners these days he will get a medal because have you noticed any idiot who can stumble across any ‘open’ charity marathon after 12 or so hours still ‘wins’ something! Only humans could do that because everyone has to be a winner – you are all quite mad.

Oops I interrupted myself didn’t I! Where was I – oh yes my translator, mmh guess what my ‘gifted’ translator did today, just to annoy me I think? He closed the window, yes of course it was the window I had so elegantly, stylishly and bravely leapt from only minutes before and indeed the window I use up to three times a day unless I have ‘eaten something’ if you know what I mean and have to use it more regularly and in a hurry.

Me? Oh you’re concerned. You want to know what happened next and in particular to ‘me’ – you are so kind and of course the best sort of humans – my cuddly fans. I bumped my cold nose on the close icy unforgiving glass that is what happened to ‘me!’

Then I sat on the very cold and extremely wet windowsill and got annoyed. When that didn’t work I pawed at the window in frustration and when that failed I cried as pitifully as I could! You must know that sound it’s the stock and trade of any trapped, bored or playful Cat, the “I’m stuck up a tree sound.”

It’s brilliant and works every time, usually a fire engine will turn up and I had great expectations for that very occurrence, passers by were stopping and pointing into the sky and ‘windoward’ (if that is a word).

Unfortunately, because I like a scene, the fire brigade or Hasiči as the fire brigade are called here in the Czech Republic didn’t attend this Cat emergency because the idiot translator heard the very loud cries of the Cat on the windowsill – namely me of course. The noise may have broken some windows somewhere and caused nightmares in little children but in my defence I believe that the volume of the screams was merely proportional to the emergency.

The window opened (though I noticed not very wide, obviously to not let in the cold and snow hrrumph!) and I scampered in making as much noise as I could while running over the bed covers, polished desk and scatter rugs, then with a flourish to finish the polished hardwood floor. It is astonishing just how much mud one can collect on four paws and then distribute liberally around someone’s home if ‘one’ is very annoyed.

As usual in these circumstances there were some benefits on the fringe and quite right too I say – I was given a bowl full to the brim of fresh Prawns which was nice, but I expect more this afternoon and some Tuna would help to salve my dented pride for supper and if it isn’t too much trouble to ask i would be delighted if the window was left open while I am outside taking my ‘constitutional’ as Gladstone or Queen Victoria probably called ‘it.’

There is one thing that you may be able to help me with dear reader because this question has always bugged the paws off me because I just can’t seem to find the answer and you all know that I am a genius which of course makes all of this even more frustrating – who is Christmas Carol and why is she so famous at Christmas, and what on earth does she do for the other 48 weeks of the year?

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The Most Embarrassing Name In The World!

Are you like pensioners I wonder who seem to have all the time in the world when they are waiting to have hip replacements and other enormously costly surgeries to help drain the taxed income of us all?

Why I ask is that pensioners have time to think and frankly I can’t wait to be one for a lot of reasons. The first and probably most important reason is that I will be able to recoup all of the taxes that I have paid and of course receive so much more in benefits, healthcare and the like, which you have to admit is a tempting prospect. But more than that, I will be able to have time to think while the pensioners lucky enough to be up ahead of me on the various hospital waiting lists and benefit queues have all manner of important and frivolous procedures carried out on them by health professionals so that they can live even longer and drain so much more money out of the ‘system’ before they complain for their last time.

What I am talking about when I say that I will have time to think is just that, time to sit in a recliner somewhere and actually use whatever portion of grey matter is left by then. And one of the things I want to think about and indeed if I can provide a definitive answer for, is what is the most embarrassing name in the world?

I also want to find the source of snot, you know the runny stuff in the nose, Livingstone found the source of the Nile so it shouldn’t be too difficult, but then that is changing the subject and that is not a good thing to do when writing, which is a shame really because this adorable genius does it all too often.

So which name do you think is the most embarrassing name in the world? Is it a first name like Dick or is it a second name like Hitler?

Obviously I haven’t arrive yet at ‘the’ name because I am not a pensioner and don’t have much time to think about these things, but I have a few candidates which I thought I would share with you and of course I hope that you send in your own suggestions, I also hope that you buy my book – as they say I don’t wish for a lot do I.

Somewhere at the top of any list of the most embarrassing names in the world has to be anyone who is unfortunate enough to have the last name Hitler, and if their first name is Adolf well then! Still Adolf Hitler isn’t the worst name in the world because help is at hand in the form of a free name changing service provided by the German government to change your name if it just happens to be Hitler and you aren’t that happy with it though it has to be said that not all Germans who are called Hitler want to change their names, which is rather revealing isn’t it?

Personally I think that the Saudi government should immediately provide the same service for anyone called Bin Laden because it must be really very difficult to get on an airliner if your name is Bin Laden. Although the real Bin Laden’s family were, and probably still are, residents of the US so presumably they aren’t worried about the name which all means that neither the names Hitler nor Bin Laden are really at the top of the list of worst names in the world.

I have to say high on my list of the worst names in the world would be Poo Bear – imagine a Bear made of Poo and you will see where I am coming from, but still I don’t think that Poo Bear is the worst name in the world do you Disney don’t do they, although they are concerned that Poo’s revenue stream is not as strong as it should be?

Happily we do have a little help in our search for the worst name in the world and that is because of the www (wheally wonderful web) and the gigantic but gorgeous Oprah Winfrey who you may remember devoted a whole show to the worst name in the world. In my opinion it could have been a series because it was by far and away the most interesting show the large but lovely presenter had ever presented.

Here are some of the names that come up time and again but still I think that we haven’t found the ‘big one,’ do tell me what you think and don’t forget to send in your own suggestions as well.

Dick Assman who comes from Canada – he would wouldn’t he! Actually Ramsbottom is a very ‘popular’ (if that is the right word) surname from Yorkshire and one can imagine just what it would be like for Dick Assman to meet a member of the Ramsbottom clan, things would get out of hand!

Still these names aren’t bad enough though are they! They are on a par with the idiot translator’s name John Woodcock apparently at school he was called ‘Timber Tool’ or worse ‘Splinter Pr**k’ but the scars have mostly healed and so Woodcock, though not a name I would choose to live my life with, is not the winner here.

Below is a list of other contenders but still we don’t have one that stands head and shoulders above the rest although the German name of the British Royal family is a bit of a horror and was only replaced by Windsor during the Second World War, just proving that they are the enemy!

Horniman
Smellie
Pigg
Sidebottom
Saxe-Coburg-Gotha
the German one mentioned above.

All of the above proves that when I become a pensioner I will have a lot of time to think about the worst name, although I swear once years ago my colleagues and I were listening to BBC Radio 4 and a German expert was introduced to talk about something or the other and his name was Klaus Shirtlifter which you have to admit is not only a contender but also a word not to be played with. I remember we all looked up from doing the clever stuff we were doing and said “Klaus Shirtlifter!” In a variety of disbelieving tones.

Here is the coat of arms of the royal family before they changed their name as you can see as typical Germans their emblems are printed on top of the British ones to show who won the war etc. Though quiet where the Welsh disappeared to no one knows.

Saxe-Coburg_Arms.png

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