If I See Another Mince Pie!

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Hello all of you lovely humans, I trust your Christmas was good, mine was but I tell you what if I see another Mince pie I think I shall spontaneously vomit and explode, aren’t they nice?

Of course they are, especially if you have made them at home, well when I said made them at home – I don’t mean by my own fair paw, does that go without saying? But I did watch some clowns make them, and then leave them to cool on the kitchen work surface, need I say more burp!

It is apparently the best thing to do, make your own Mince pies that is, “so much better than the ones from the shops because they are too sweet” I overheard, I also overheard the inhuman cries when the humans here discovered that their, now cool, Mince pies had been eaten.

Yes I think I broke some sort of record and managed to eat all of the Mince pies in the kitchen, I have to say I really don’t fancy any more for a long while, hang on what’s this?

I have to go, I have to go I have just heard someone ask “Turkey sandwiches anyone?”

Oh before I go, happy middle bit of no mans’ land between the Christmas celebrations and the New Year!

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It’s Been Snowing! Have You Noticed?

Hello all my cuddly friends. I would have been blogging earlier but I was one of those hundreds, (oh how I want to add thousands to the hundreds there just for effect) who were abandoned, ignored and uncared for by EuroStar recently when the train I was whizzing from Paris to London on stopped whizzing.

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Alarmingly the lights went out and people started to wonder “wtf” as I believe they say these days.

Well the ‘f’ was that we were stranded, abandoned and… well you get the picture, or you would have got a good quality picture if I had been packing a Camera but my trip to Paris was light, and I just had my iphone so the picture is not very good at all.

Actually I always travel to Paris ‘light’ because there are just so many pickpockets there, but adding that helpful piece of travel information is drifting away from the point and the drama of this little blog.

Is a little blog a blogette by the way? Mmmh, who knows!

Anyway there we were at first in a situation that would have made a passable comedy, and they when my iphone died the situation became dire, everyone knows that you can’t be disconnected from your mobile phone even for a second, the world may collapse and there would be no way of emailing the pictures of it happening, as it happens, which of course was exactly what my fellow travellers, or should I call them waiters, were doing as well as waiting for the train to start chugging again, which it didn’t!

As the hours slipped away and stiff upper lipped English people got tired of slapping the faces of whimpering Gallic ones while shouting “get a hold of yourself,” and “panicking won’t help, you know!” And they eventually began to panic too, I have to say this good looking Cat fell asleep and woke up rescued, which was very nice, some one had thought to bring hot Tomato Soup and Corned Beef Sandwiches and there was a spirit of the blitz about the EuroStar coach, although I have to say that was coming mainly from the EuroStar staff who were being shouted at a lot.

It was only later that I discovered the horrible truth of the depths to which some humans has stooped and then actually gone lower, just for the hell of it.

The scene apparently was like something from a co-educational ‘Lord of the Flies’ with human sacrifices and cannibalism, honestly you humans are odd, if you were hungry you should have popped down to the buffet car surely.

All in all my frozen experience was different to everyone else’s who were on the stranded EuroStar train, I wonder if that is because I don’t automatically expect to receive vast sums of the folding stuff in compensation, surely not!

Anyway here’s a Happy Christmas to one and all! Yes I did watch the Muppet’s Christmas Carol last night!

It really is up there with the best, I can see why Charlie Dickens wrote it especially for the Muppets they play it with a lot of feeling and understanding and I also have to say that Charlie Dickens screenplays are so much better than his novels which are really a bit dull but, and it is a big ‘but,’ you have to listen to the words of the songs he wrote specifically for this movie they are just sublime.

“Just one more slept till Christmmmmas”

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My Thoughts On Rendition!

If you want my honest opinion regarding extraordinary rendition, I think I would prefer an extraordinary one than just the norm! Wouldn’t you?

This is an extract from my latest book “Thoughts from a Good Looking Cat!”

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Have I wished all of my lovely cuddly readers of my book, blog and my ‘www‘- wickedly, wonderful website a very Happy Christmas and more money in your pockets in the New Year? I hope so, I forget things sometimes. But I rarely forget to mention that you can still get my book at Amazon.com in time for Christmas and you really should you know, it would make me very happy and of course reading it will make you sublimely happy I promise. (Insert winning smile here).

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Snow Here Too – But Cruel Snow

Much as I don’t want to wobble on about snow because I know that most of Europe has the stuff and the skies across the world are filling up with the more so that it can be dumped on us all over night. But I did want to just quickly mention the snow here and that is because it is cruel snow!

Why is it ‘cruel snow’ I hear you ask? Well take a look at this photograph of some poor pensioners who were caught in the snow this morning while waiting for a bus into Prague, poor things they were going on a grumbling and barging tour of the shops.

Happily by the time I went out to take the (probably award winning) picture the sun had come out and the sky was blue, it was chilly though and I got cold paws.

Honestly I don’t know what they are going to do with the poor frozen pensioners but I have noticed some really rubbish ‘installation art’ here and there in Prague and so they could use the frozen pensioners as that? It’s just an idea of course. Not much of a way to spend Christmas though is it!

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What The Dickens?

After seeing that someone had managed to sell a Toothpick that belonged to old Charlie Dickens of Christmas Carol fame (not the Muppet version I hasten to add) recently for $9,000, it started me thinking about what mementoes my true fans would buy from me.

Just think, Charlie Dickens is dead! And that Toothpick which someone bought had been used by him to pick his teeth with, though of course he would have done that when he was alive! I am not suggesting anything really awful here, just that the Toothpick had been dragged in between his yellowing molars rather often, oh wait a minute The Cat has to puke.

Sorry about that, where was I oh yes Charlies’ Toothpick ‘the bargain of the year.’ Well I have decided to take a leaf out of Charlies’ book, though not literally or even literary if you see what I mean! I think I do, even if no one else does! I have decided to sell some of my own treasured possessions.

So now you lucky fans you can choose from the following new or nearly new treasured possessions:-

My Flea Collar (used and modelled by the ‘lovely’ Larry).

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My Scratching Post (modelled by good old athletic Ginger).

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My ‘downstairs’ Litter Tray (emptied, I think).

A Cat Collar with an elastic gusset which is supposed to help a Cat, in some way or the other, if it is dangling after being caught by a branch whilst the aforementioned Cat is tree climbing. But I have to say all it ever did for me was to make me bounce up and down as I dangled.

Author’s Note:

The Cat Collar is not modelled, in the picture below, by Roger, who simply bet me I wouldn’t include this picture of him!

The boy is a fool, now who looks like a complete buffoon and not only in this picture, Roger?

Incidentally I do apologise about the poor quality of the picture but Roger hit me on the head with the camera, though I don’t know why maybe I am losing my memory!

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And finally of course my Cat nip flavoured mouse collection including poor Terry the small and very smelly Ginger Cat nip mouse. Sadly none of the other Cat nip mice will have anything to do with Ginger! It breaks your heart doesn’t it?

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All of which, judging by the amount of money some fool paid for a used Toothpick, should raise a fortune, the bigger the better I say!

It almost goes without saying that the cash generate from the sale will come in handy. Christmas time is such an expensive time isn’t it? Buying presents empties the bank account almost as fast as a – well I was going to say bad banker – but frankly they all are bad aren’t they? If they weren’t bad we wouldn’t be in the deep doo doo we are in, would we?

Actually if you buy my wonderful book as a present for people who you really, really like and who deserve something really very special this Christmas then you won’t spend a fortune I promise.

The best place to get my amazing book is here of course Amazon.com and when you get it at Amazon.com you will have it delivered a long while before Christmas and that will save you trolling about in the shops fighting others for it and then having to carrying it home.

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Christmas Present List

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Hello to all of my wonderfully good looking readers from your humble servant The Cat.

I was so very pleased and frankly incredibly touched to hear that you wanted to know what I would like for Christmas. Of course I know that the question is one that is asked of a lot of very famous people and quite rightly we are a very important bunch with mostly fascinating opinions.

Looking down the list of people who have already filled in what they most desire for Christmas was a humbling experience I can tell you and before I let you in on my entry I thought I would share with you some of the hopes and aspirations of some very famous people indeed.

Most of the Politicians at the Copenhagen Climate Conference – want a cleaner, fairer, safer world.

President Obama – wants world peace. Presumably to match his Nobel Prize.

President Putin – wants to reduce nuclear arms.

President Sarkozy – wants to end hunger.

Nelson Mandela – wants to end injustice.

The Pope – wants stop premature infant death.

Elton John – wants more to be done to fight HIV/Aids

Mohammed Ali – wants more understanding between different races.

Prince William of England – wants a nice shiny Aston Martin like his Dad’s!

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It makes you proud that we have such altruistic celebrities and elected representatives. Not one of the ones who have earned their status were as selfish as they are often made out to be.

All of which brings me onto what I would like for Christmas.

The Cat – wants an end to hunting, shooting and fishing for amusement.

I do wish my readers a very Cool Yule and a Happy Christmas and remember if you need any present ideas you still have time to buy my book from Amazon.com it really is very good and that is because I am an inordinately good looking and talented Cat.

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Who Is Responsible For This Outrage?

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Do you know what? I love being outraged! Don’t you? There is nothing quite like a good rant at someone’s expense and of course it makes a nice change for me to do a bit of ranting rather than be ranted at.

Normally, for some reason that I haven’t ever quite fathomed out, people and of course I mean humans here, like to rant about the things I do, such as a little al fresco pooing behind the TV.

I don’t know about you but I get really bored digging in a litter tray four or five times a day and so once in a while I like to ‘go’ elsewhere, what’s wrong with that I ask you? Nothing of course! The humans tend not to agree though, bless them, and get just a little annoyed with me, then they do a bit of ranting after I slope off behind the TV.

Now it is my turn to rant! As you can see from the picture above some Cats, for reasons best known to themselves, do a bit of ad hoc jumping, probably I think to entertain humans. I say if that is what they like to do then why not, it doesn’t hurt anybody does it.

Actually I have to stress at this point that I never jump in public – Cats are supposed to be laid back – it would ruin our image.

But recently I have seen the results of Cats demonstrating their jumping skills to humans just look at the picture below.

The picture was sent to me from a “well wisher” and I have to say that it is just about the most awful thing I have ever seen. How can a sane human do this to an innocent Cat? No, I don’t know either. This sort of behaviour isn’t nice and it isn’t natural is it?

Maybe the Cat in the picture was bad, if so what on earth did he or she do that was so terrible that he or she had to be tortured in such a way as this?

Even the good Catholics in the Spanish Inquisition didn’t behave like this, or was that because aeroplanes hadn’t been invented?

Please if you know of anyone who had a Cat drop on their head recently can you get in touch with me and we will see if we can find a better home for this poor individual I think the Cat needs it don’t you.

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So to any Cats reading my blog and I know a lot of you do, let the above picture be a cautionary illustration and the story of that sad, frightened and tortured Cat be a lesson to you. When you think about jumping for the entertainment of some human or other thing again, think where it might lead.

I don’t know about you by dangling by a few strings 10 inches above the ground is a bad idea as far as I am concerned let alone several thousand feet attached to some homicidal (or is that Felinicidal) human who really and truly should either know better or be locked up immediately.

Lastly this thought just struck me when I was writing about Catholics, is or are Catholics anything to do with Cat Alcoholics? The words are so similar that it makes you wonder doesn’t it?

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A Happy Holiday For All

Sadly a large number of my blogs have been described as frivolous and I would like to do something about that and talk today about something that is a very serious problem facing almost every nation in the world.

The recent financial crisis. There are three or four truths about the recent financial crisis.

Yes it has been terrible!

No it wasn’t expected.

Yes banks including the federal reserve banks of most countries were responsible for the terrible event and no they weren’t punished they seem in fact to have been rewarded.

So those are the truths about the recent financial crisis but there is one more which it seems has gone un-noticed at the moment and that is that we together, us bods in the street, can get ourselves our of the mire and general doggie do do that the banks got us into.

The way that us ordinary bods in the street can do this is by spending money this Christmas cleverly and allowing money to flow again into and through the world’s financial systems and a wonderful way to do that would be to buy a copy of my book at Amazon.com and if you want to ensure that it is a work of absolutely pure genius then you can get a sneak peek here at my ‘www‘- wickedly, wonderful website.

If you buy my book at Amazon.com then not only will you be assured of getting it delivered before Christmas you will be helping to kick start the economy, for that you should be rewarded, and you will be, with a great read.

This wish that you buy my book is the first of many Happy Holiday Wishes from me to you, which may or may not be centred around you purchasing my latest masterpiece, written by a really good looking Cat!

I do wish you all a Happy Holiday.

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Being Famous!

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Being famous does have a downside as I found out only yesterday when I was minding my own business walking along the street behind my troupe of flunkies who were handing out signed photographs of a superstar and literary sensation namely me! A little trick I have picked up from some rap artists who might not have much in the way of talent but are great at PR but sadly are held back under the weight of their gold chains.

Some woman crashed through security, who was chatting up some teen, and is going to be ‘talked’ to later and accosted me! Now this is not the first time I have been accosted I have been accosted before and rather enjoyed it but I have a feeling that was light accosting and nothing like yesterday’s dose.

Superstars like me are used to a little light accosting, I understand George Clooney goes out of his way to be accosted and poor little Jennifer Aniston would just love it if someone would even look as though they were going to accost her in the street but sadly no takers.

But few superstars get really accosted in the streets these days so I suppose that what the woman did was a bit of a compliment really, though even now I can’t quite understand what she was on about but then I think that she had forgotten her medication, if you know what I mean!

She grabbed my fur coat and said, “You should leave that poor mouse Jerry alone!” then she ran off after giving my arm another shake or two and refusing a signed picture of me, still doesn’t make any sense to me.

If anyone speaks mad and can translate for me that would be wonderful, if I write a new diary I will definitely include her in it, the world, though not short of looneys does need them.

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Tiger Woods, The Cat Rolls Up His Sleeves and Dives In

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Mixing metaphors is like mixing drinks, it can produce an intemperate tirade of nonsense, similar to the intoxicatingly dumb and boring stories that currently beset poor, only in the sad stakes, Tiger Woods.

Now I have to say that of course I really have difficulty stirring myself to defend an idiot, and as the once mighty Tiger has admitted in so many words he was an idiot, but as a Feline I feel it is my duty to defend a Tiger, no matter how faded and tarnished this idiot’s image may be.

So after talking on the phone to my people who talked to the Tiger’s people who shared some black coffee with the Tiger, here is a short statement that both sides have agreed upon.

“Tiger Woods is not such a bad person you know and is was only practising at the 19th hole!”

As Eight-time Grand Slam winner Andre Agassi said when he awoke recently, don’t be so cruel to the Tiger and don’t judge him too harshly. “It’s irresponsible to jump to conclusions on Tiger Woods without the full facts after recent claims about the golfer’s private life…” Then he dropped off to sleep again.

Just remember that incredibly rich people have a right to let off steam once in a while and better still have, if they are sensible, a large number of PR people who can ensure usually that the ‘facts’ are never ‘full’ by any means.

So quite frankly my advice to the tarnished Tiger is to get better PR people. Frankly I would have thought that a small car crash in possibly an alcoholic haze, while possibly beating your wife with a five iron can be smoothed over rather easily if you have the right PR people, just ask the Kennedy clan!

Finally I have to say that as of this moment in time there is not going to be any announcement regarding the replacement of the Tiger with The Cat on the side of some bottles of Gatorade. Frankly just like the disgraced Tiger, The Cat would only drink that rubbish on camera and for large amounts of the folding stuff, but a Kitty has got to live! So watch this space.

However here at The Cat HQ (a sober and clean place where no wife beating has ever taken place) we were sent the picture below by an anonymous advertising agency, who simple asked The Cat for his opinion on some new artwork.

As of this moment that is all we can say on the subject of the new and improved Gatorade which, never fear, will be on the shelves for the Holiday Season.

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