Sayings In The English And American Languages

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Ok so the title is a little wrong and I know that I will get dozens of letters from the same person in Australia complaining that I forgot to mention Canadian, Australian and New Zealand English, but if I did that then I would have to mention all of the countries who use English as an official language and to my reckoning that is 83 other countries where English is either the official language or is widely spoken.

If you are interested here and I know that Mr. Snoggins of Toowoomba Queensland Australia will be the 83 countries in question are:-

Antigua and Barbuda
The Bahamas
Barbados
Belize
Botswana
Cameroon
Canada
Dominica
Fiji
The Gambia
Ghana
Grenada
Guyana
India
Ireland
Jamaica
Kenya
Kiribati
Lesotho
Liberia
Madagascar
Malawi
Malta
Marshall Islands
Mauritius
Micronesia
Namibia
Nauru
New Zealand
Nigeria
Pakistan
Palau
Papua New Guinea
Philippines
Rwanda
Saint Kitts and Nevis
Saint Lucia
Saint Vincent and the Grenadines
Samoa
Seychelles
Scotland
Sierra Leone
Singapore
Solomon Islands
South Africa
Sudan
Swaziland
Tanzania
Tonga
Trinidad and Tobago
Tuvalu
Uganda
United States of America
Vanuatu
Wales
Zambia
Zimbabwe
American Samoa
Anguilla
Bermuda
British Virgin Islands
Cayman Islands
Christmas Island
Cook Islands
Falkland Islands
Gibraltar
Guam
Guernsey
Hong Kong
Isle of Man
Jersey
Montserrat
Netherlands Antilles
Niue
Norfolk Island
Northern Mariana Islands
Pitcairn Islands
Puerto Rico
Saint Helena
Tristan da Cunha)
Tokelau
Turks and Caicos Islands
U.S. Virgin Islands

Oh look at that I have mentioned all of them after all oops! Anyway I hope that the information above is not only useful but also pacifies Mr. Snoggings and I can get on with the point of this blog which may eventually actually have something to do with the title – what fun!

As a best selling and world renown author (you have bought my latest book haven’t you?) I tend to use the English language rather often and that, I am afraid is only because the Cat language has about as much chance as being used universally as Welsh.

During my time up to my elbows in the good old English language, which I have to say I really rather do adore, I have unearthed some odd phrases and sayings and from time to time I thought it would be a nice idea to drop one or two from a great height into my blog.

Then at the same time play with other sayings and then lastly create one or two of my own which you have my permission to use as long as I get a credit in the reference.

Ok so do you like the idea of this game? I thought that you would, well those that understand what I have written so far probably do, the others I see have wondered off, bless them.

So where shall we start, well Julie Andrews said that “we should start at the very beginning,” which frankly Julie is a little obvious isn’t?

Anyway here is one little saying that I have just thought of and you can adopt for your very own and when you use it, it will show just how clever you are.

In response to someone asking you something that you don’t know the answer to you say, “I haven’t the bloggiest!”

Mmmh maybe it seemed funnier in my head than on paper – much like the unfortunate Ricky Gervais’s recent work – for those of you who have been under a rock for a number of years Ricky Gervais cowrote “The Office” which was funny on one side of the Atlantic at least!

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Then sadly Ricky lost his ability to be funny. In fact I am thinking of setting up a fund to see if we can raise enough cash to see if we can get a new sense of humour grafted onto poor Ricky I have already spoken to surgeons and they say that it can be done, it won’t be cheap but they might just be able to save him.

Still this isn’t doing what we set out to do and that is to discuss English sayings and phrases, so unless you have lost the will to live by now here are two with Cat additives.

In response to someone telling you to “have a great day!” You can now reply. “Don’t worry about me I always have a great day – I think that they put something in my water your know!”

It is delightfully off putting and in a gentle way that isn’t too offensive.

The second and last saying, yes I have things to do and a life to lead too you know, is meant for times when you are thinking about people less fortunate than yourself, in my case that, at the moment, is when I am thinking about poor Ricky Gervais or Prince, (that is Prince of the ‘Charles’ variety rather than the small transexual one) and I am wondering just what it would be like to be ‘them!’

“When the shoe is on the other foot – I always fall over!”

But then as you can see from the picture there are some consolations for being prince, the small transgender one got to squeeze Sheena Easton not in uniform and the Prince of the Charles variety gets to be the judge of the Welsh Guard’s breast enlargement contest, open to Guardsmen and Guardswomen of course.

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What Worries Me!

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There are a number of things worrying me at the moment and the main one of those irksome little worries is that I am about to go to the states to have a chat with some Hollywood types about turning me in to an animated cartoon.

No don’t worry it isn’t the fact that I will be turned into an animated cartoon that worries me, I know that they will draw me rather than use some sort of machine to ‘process’ me, I am not that dumb thanks.

Although having said I am not that worried about becoming an animated cartoon character however the bods in H/wood are always a little vague on exactly when they will actually make the movie and of course that applies to everyone who has written a blockbusting work of genius such as my book “Getting Out Excerpts From A Cat’s Diary.”

Even if the H/wood guys buy the rights to a book they do seem to drag their brogues when if comes to actually making the movie – just ask Terry Pratchett about that sort of thing and listen to him go on about that b***dy Spielberg fella and how he has had the rights to three of his books for nearly a decade and done sod all.

Of course the reason why H/wood producers and Spielberg types buy the rights to a best selling work of genius like my book or indeed any best selling book by lesser authors than yours truly is so that other H/wood types can’t have them – hence the trip, there are no flies on this Pussy I can tell you.

And don’t worry, I am not worried about the fact that I may end up with an American at worst, or a Transatlantic accent at best in the movie I can live with that is the pay day is good.

So this is what I am worried about!

They tell you when you are going through American Immigration these days not to be funny, and I am naturally funny, I can’t help it I am just like that as you know, and it gets worse, they ask you what you do for a living don’t they? And all I can say to that is either, “I am a Cat or I am funny,” either way I think that I am going to end up behind a bar and I don’t mean one where Sam might just play it again!

So dear readers you have to help me, please give this poor funny Cat a few suggestions, mentor him, advise him, if you want to see him on the silver screen.

If you do of course you will be able to say, “I helped his career you know!” Well it might be truer to say “I got the idiot through American Immigration,” then someone will ask “how did you do that?”

And you’ll answer proudly. “I lent him my personality, I wish he would give it back!”

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Two Innocent Articles And Then…. A Warning!

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I didn’t realise that when I started to support The Queen’s stand against the dreadful incursions of the paparazzi that I would have started to prise the lid off a can, full to the brim, of worms.

Ok, so I have been mentioning the UK Royal’s love of shooting small furry animals such as myself, though wilder, (and I have to say wouldn’t you be wild if you were being shot at?) and now I have had something of a warning through a third party from the United States.

This came in the mail today:

You have finally done it my friend I think. Here in the States we have the men in black who handle upstarts and the like. I am certain the British have more than the guys with Amy Winehouse hats. If you piss those people off, someone will be wearing you to the next Royal function I’m sure so take it easy on the people who run things.

Now I had no idea what an Amy Winehouse hat was but now I am worried, see above. Yes her hair is uncannily like a Guardsman’s bearskin helmet if you can say the word helmet in the same article as you mention The Queen? I don’t know but then I am only a Cat after all!

Thinking about it, it might be a good precaution to get a disguise?

I know, I could wear an Amy Winehouse hat! As you can see Amy Winehouse hats are all the rage among Cats at the moment. Below is a recent snap of my Siamese friend Prince Blue Flower or Bert as we call him affectionally, he is modelling his Amy Winehouse hat which was given to him only last week, poor devil.

What do you think? Will it work if I go under cover of Amy Winehouse’s hair?

Toby, Ginger, Monty and Felix have all said that they will wear their Amy Winehouse hats in sympathy with me bless them, so as word spreads across the world please, gentle readers, don’t be alarmed if your Cat crosses your lounge wearing something that looks like a dead fellow member of his or her species on his bonce, it is only your very own Moggie wearing his or her Amy Winehouse hat with pride and demonstrating solidarity with yours truly.

You know I never thought I could get into so much hot water and I will have to get out of it soon or my Amy Winehouse hat will sag like a badly cooked Soufflé.

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Royal Messages Of Support

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I would like to thank quite a few members of the Royal family who sent messages of support for my warning to the paparazzi over taking photos of me of a more than personal nature.

Some nice Royals even offered an amnesty, where they promise not to shoot any more little furry animals, though I have to say that I haven’t heard back yet from the ones who seem to be bagging all of the furry animals that we have left in the countryside and have not packed up and immigrated because the climate is changing.

Having handed out a little thank you to some Royals I feel I must however use this medium to tell the four or five very minor Royals who wanted/demanded ‘expenses’ if they were to write on my blog, sorry no dice that is a bit thick isn’t it?

Not only that didn’t they take one of your titles away from you after you had your toes licked on TV or something, it is so long ago one can’t really remember these days, thank goodness I hear you cry!

The removal of titles brings me to the sad case of Diana! She, I am sure, but do correct me if I am wrong, had all of her titles taken away after the ‘messy’ business except for “Head Shopper at Harrods” of course, so, and this is the point you will be relieved to hear, why is Diana referred to as the Princess of Wales etc when she is mentioned on TV and indeed even on the Royal Family’s own website – http://www.royal.gov.uk. Beats me!

You humans are odd!

Oh actually I have a little joke for you which all of you odd humans may like, it made me laugh for a minute or two. Cats sadly look rather sinister when they laugh and so we tend not to laugh much and when we do only for a very short time, we don’t want to scare anyone, especially if they are a bit dim and armed.

Anyway her is my little jokette:

I had a leak in the roof over my dining room so I called a repairman to take a look at it.

“When did you first notice the leak?” he asked.

I told him, “Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!”

There I managed to get to the end of this blog without saying that the picture of Diana is a royalty free picture har ha!

Oops!

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The Cat Issues Privacy Warnings Over Paparazzi Photos

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In conjunction with the announcement from Her Majesty the Queen and indeed prompted to some extent by her stand on the paparazzi taking pictures of her and her family in what she describes as ‘private moments’ I feel that I have to make a stand against some of the gutter press’s most recent outrages.

A ‘private moment’ of mine was splashed all over the press recently by the paparazzi, it was awful, embarrassing and the picture was frankly very unflattering! Surely just because I am famous it doesn’t give anyone the right to take paparazzi pictures of me in my litter tray does it? And I am sure that the Queen would be the first to agree with me!

Having said that I am not like Prince Willie, and that nice little mousey Katie Middleton person, worried about the paparazzi taking pictures of me out shooting small furry animals with my Dad and Step Mother and that is because obviously being a small furry animal I have a ‘thing’ against shooting them in the first place!

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It’s All New Shiny And Improved – But Not Necessarily In That Order!

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Yes that’s right, it really is all new shiny and improved! What is all new shiny and improved I hear you ask, my website of course!

Here at my ‘www‘- wickedly, wonderful website we have had the scaffolding up for a few months and the sun blotted out my many a large builders bum just so that you get to use my new and improved website. Or as the Americans (bless every single one of them) would say to “improve your website experience!”

So what do you think of my ‘www‘- wickedly, wonderful website? It is fab isn’t it? And whether you like it or not I would love to hear what you think of it, you can tell me on line or write to me at my own personalised email address thecat@thecatsdiary.com now how cool is it to have your own personalised email address? No don’t tell me, I know!

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Cats Rarely Get Invited To Go Inside A Church!

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Have you noticed that Cats tend to rarely be invited into churches of any denomination along with all of the others of god’s creations apart from humans.

A fact that has always puzzled me and that is because there are let’s face it a lot of bad humans who are greedy and do dreadful things especially bankers, Arabs in Dubai to name but a few.

On the other hand all Animals tend to get along well in the end and don’t do a lot wrong in general. There is obviously the odd isolated case of one animal eating the other but they do that because they are hungry so shouldn’t be blamed for that.

I don’t know about you but I have never heard of a war between the Animals on the planet except humans of course, it is amazing that humans are allowed inside churches at all isn’t it!

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As Seen On TV

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I am happy to tell you that one of my spies spotted my book on American TV last night. And although the spy couldn’t tell me which show it was duh! Apparently my book looked every bit as good on TV as it does in the hand.

Have you got your copy yet, no! Well the best place to get it is here Amazon.com and if you want to ensure that it is a work of absolutely pure genius then you can get a sneak peek here at my ‘www‘- wickedly, wonderful website.

I have to say that you won’t be disappointed with my wonderful book if has been described as excellent and that is from people nice enough to comment on it on the Amazon site, and of course now if you haven’t read it you run the risk of not being able to talk about it at parties. So what are you waiting for?

It will of course make a wonderful Christmas present for humans and Cats of all ages.

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