Prawns With Feelings!

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People are surprised when I say that I read, but frankly it isn’t anything special is it? ‘Reading’ that is, not being ‘surprised!’ In fact being surprised is a little boring if like some people you are surprised all the time, because it means that you haven’t got much in the way of an imagination.

People are also surprised when I talk to them, a Cat that talks “what did they put in my coffee?” People usually ask, then they ask if I am a ‘special’ Cat and of course as well as being clever and a good looking Cat I am special, but not in the sense that has been used to denigrate people (and this Cat once) I hasten to add.

It is odd what some people think is normal and other people think is ‘unusual’ isn’t it? But when all is said, read and done I am mostly just a regular Cat who happens to read, talk and of course write wonderful books what make people split stitches – literally and literary if you see what I mean.

Just read one of the lovely reviews on if you chose to disbelieve me, which by the way is a great insult to Cats because we can’t, as I have said before, ‘lie’ which is a terrible shame if you want to know, and has hampered my career I am sure.

So to prove I am just a regular ordinary Joe type of Cat I thought I would talk about Prawns again, I was reading the other day that scientists have discovered that Prawns have feelings, no honestly they have!

I must say I thought it was a bit daft when I read it and imagined all of the Prawns who’s feelings I had obviously hurt in the past, poor little fellows.

Then I started to think about the scientists. What an odd bunch they must be to actually be interested in Prawns’ feelings in the first place, then as my mind burrowed deeper in to the whole Prawn feeling thing I started to wonder just what the research goals of the scientists was.

Did they think that Prawns’ feeling might be easier to research and study than humans? Did they think that by discovering if Prawns had feelings then they could use that information in say space, or industry? I wonder and of course doubt that they could.

Then I thought what a load of nonsense humans get up to. Then I decided that I would like to offer a nice home to anyone who has either very delighted or depressed Prawns, I know a great way to make them happy and of course become so much happier myself.

Lastly, though of course with me you don’t know that this paragraph will in fact be the last one of course, I must apologise for mentioning Prawns again, it is I have to say a bit of a habit with me, but I suppose it proves that I am just a Cat after all!

Finally tee hee and oops! I thought there was another paragraph in me – you can learn all about Prawns in my ‘un-put-down-able’ book I suggest that if you haven’t bought it is as good a place as any to get it, your eyes will love you and if you don’t laugh a lot then I will eat my words – so long as they are ‘Prawns, Prawns, Prawns…’ yes I am sure you get the picture!

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Today Is A Time!

This good looking and clever Cat has just worked out that today is special, or to put it another way the date is special it is 10.2.10 which if you say it is actually a time – ten to ten!

Mmmh what a shame I didn’t think of that earlier and had two minutes silence at ten to ten because that would have been two at ten to ten and that must be special mustn’t it?

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We’re A Bit Worried Here!

It’s Ginger! Well it would be wouldn’t it, he seems to have slipped away during the party, not it is ok not that sort of slipped away like when people talk about you after you have frozen in the path of an oncoming car for too long, not he popped out with some friends.

I have uploaded the most recent picture of Ginger I could find in a hurry it is from his failed or as he put it “yet to be refined” walking on air experiment.

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Actually one or two of the slack mouths around here said that Ginger and his friends had gone off somewhere to enjoy an eight of Catnip but I don’t think that can be right he hates the stuff, well since the overdose that is!

I have every faith, including probably a lot of misplaced faith, that he will turn up somewhere, he always does, unless he is angry for some reason then he can sulk for ages but don’t worry his butt is worse then his bite, if you know what I mean and I think I do!

The trouble is that it is still snowing here and has been since before Christmas and it is cold enough to really annoy any brass monkey, so if Ginger is outside he could be completely Cap’n Scott by now couldn’t he? If you know what I mean!

It was something of an anniversary for the good Cap’n Scott and the lads recently, I believe it was one or two hundred years since they decided to see if you could get to the South Pole just wearing a string vest, knitted mittens and a smile.

Sadly some Norwegians had beaten him to the South Pole in a Volvo and left what they thought was a funny note “We beat you here” it said, obviously Norwegians are better at Polar exploring than telling jokes.

But the good news for Cap’n Scott and his chums was that when news of their deaths reached Britain they all instantly became heroes. It is the British way to make heroes out of failures and legends out of disasters, hence Gordon of Khartoum who faced millions of really annoyed ‘fuzziwuzzies’ as people, such as the good people of Khartoum, were called back in ‘Chinese Gordon’s’ time (that was his nickname, no I don’t know why either).

It is understood that General Gordon who instantly became “Gordon of Khartoum” died because of an unfortunate clerical misprint and a dreadful diplomatic error!

It is believed that the thousands of people who gathered outside General Gordon’s offices waving spears and wearing frowns were actually complaining about their gas bills and had simply gone to the wrong address – the one at the top of their gas bills.

Chinese Gordon, annoyed at the noise outside went out to meet the rabble with a loaded pistol which he emptied into the crowd.

Not long after General Gordon’s death the gas company quietly changed the address on the gas bills and the British government instructed all British residents living in foreign countries not to answer their doors with a loaded pistol.

Needless to say in true Dunkirk spirit General Gordon was brought home and buried with full honours, his actions were rewritten and a painting was produced to ‘assist’ the new ‘facts’ and another British legend was born.


Of course it isn’t only personal disasters that the British celebrate, bless them, by rewriting history and creating heroes, just read about British military history and you’ll learn all about The Charge of the Light Brigade, Dunkirk, Operation Market Garden and many more glorious military escapes, and of course the idiots involved and in charge of those farces were all promoted!

To tell the truth – and of course Cats can be relied on to do just that, which is at times a bit of a chink in our character armour as far as I am concerned – this good looking Cat has a bit of a soft spot for poor old Cap’n Scott because he was obviously a bit of a character as I am sure were his pals, if you want to read an extract from his ‘alternative’ diary there is a little snippet in my wonderful best selling book “Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary” which is available at all really great bookstores and of course

There are quite a few snippets of diary of famous British failures who of course are national heroes in the UK, well I had run out of things to write and so I thought, now what would Livingstone say here and the rest is a best seller.

By the way Ginger has just turned up, he wasn’t outside at all, apparently he had another of his little ‘episodes,’ he said that he slipped into the airing cupboard and got entangled in a pair or probably two pairs of ladies (I presume) tights!

I wonder about Ginger sometimes, he has been wrapped up in nylons for three days and didn’t try to very hard to escape, that is odd isn’t it, it isn’t just me, is it?

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The Cat Thanks Everyone

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This good looking Cat would like to thank everyone who came to the ‘Bring A Prawn Dance!’ last Saturday/Sunday and for some hardened party goers Monday too!

All in all we had a wonderful time in general and as you can see from the picture it got just a little wild.

Actually I do wish that I had used a picture on the invitations because some people and I won’t mention any names here brought err, how can I put this – oh yes – complete idiots, instead of Prawns.

Apparently a ‘Prawn’ in the human language can also mean a person who is not only not quite the ticket and has bought a bus ticket when they should have got one for a train, what can I say?

Well I suppose I could say that we had a right royal time with the idiots, but I won’t because a lot of people have accused me recently of being a bit of a royal basher and those who know me will agree that isn’t true, give me a choice between a Prawn and a royal and I will always eat the Prawn!

Actually I heard from a ‘reliable’ source that a well known royal had bought my best selling book and loved it, apparently it props the drawing room door open perfectly!

I wonder if they bought it here at that would have been nice.

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Poor Prince Harry!

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I was so sorry to hear from advert filled website that yesterday or the day before the ‘lovely’ Prince Harry was in a potentially serious accident.

Happily, unlike his colleagues, ‘Henry Charles Albert David Windsor, born 15 September 1984’ as he would appear on any charge sheet, a serving officer in the British Army wasn’t being shot at at the time in Afghanistan where most of his colleagues are in cover waiting for the next idiot with a bomb, prince Harry was in Barbados.

It is such a shame that the British royal family have to fit in so much work around their hobbies and this terrible accident is proof that the lack of time they have to practice their past times is beginning to cause and possibly dangerous accidents.

Fortunately Prince Harry was uninjured in the fall when he landed it is believed on his head, doctors said that the royal family are blessed with remarkably thick skulls due to the constant and avid interbreeding of the pedigree over many years and that Prince Harry will be able to continue enjoying himself soon when the Grouse and Deer shooting season opens.

People close to the prince said that he will be taking more leave from the British Army so that he can recover from this ‘uninjury.’ The average soldier gets five and a bit weeks paid holiday per annum which means that for around 47 weeks of the year they can be shot at, bombed etc., in places such as Afghanistan.

On the other hand Prince Harry, who has taken full advantage of the fun side of what the Army has to offer has learned to ski, fly helicopters and scuba dive and hasn’t been on a full tour of active duty at all during his career in the Army, although it was rumoured that prince Harry was stationed in Afghanistan for 11 weeks.

These rumours are probably at best unreliable because the ‘prince’ would have been a high value target and as such would be a danger to all of the people who served in the army with him.

However the rumours of his ‘selfless service’ to his country do make great PR and the royal PR machine used them to great effect when they they have to cover Harry’s little faux pas, such as his love of dressing up in Nazi army uniforms, calling Muslims “ragheads” and generally demonstrating what a coarse and uneducated mob, the royal family really are!

The Nazi Prince.jpg

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Whales Tunes Are Deeper! Are They Auditioning For xFactor?


Hello all, I have just finished my toasted Tuna sandwich – I do wish that ‘they’ would hold the toast, but what can you do when you only get toasted Tuna sandwiches when they have slipped off a serving plate on the way to the kitchen table and taken a tumble down here, to the Cat shelf!

Anyway I have finished the Tuna filling from a really nice toasted Tuna sandwich, I of course, licked off all of the low cal spread, yes it is one of those weeks here – a slimming week poor humans, and I even tried to bite my way through the Tuna tasting toast but the darn stuff crunches everywhere doesn’t it and everywhere in this case was right up my nose.

After sneezing a lot I checked the news on the good old, though dreadfully bias, inaccurate and advert filled BBC and was delighted to see a nice story for a change!

Blue Whales who are some of us mammals biggest relatives have started to sing their “whale songs” in a deeper key, or that is what I read from someone who obviously has been listening at their doors.

In so much that the news was just about Blue Whales singing in a deeper tone the news wasn’t up to much obviously, but it was the next bit of the news which pricked (if you can say that on a blog?) up my interest.

Some scientists believe that the reason why our biggest of cousins and I am not talking about big Auntie Susan here, oh no, still the Blue Whales, the reason why they have dropped down to baritone (even the lady Blue Whales apparently) is that they could be happier that their numbers have increased and put them less at risk at becoming extinct, which let’s face it is a pretty good reason for a good old sing song.

They are, it would seem, happier as baritones even the lady Blue Whales bless them, I’ll say no more.

So next I was going to make a light of this monumental moment for Blue Whales and that is because I am happy for them and also because a little ‘gagette’ here and there does tend to brighten the day doesn’t it?

And I have to say I love to brighten anyone’s day, because they then tend to go off and buy my book which regular readers will tell you is excellent and that you can you can buy it here

But sadly the object of my little joke a person who won the xFactor or is that the XFactor sometime ago is missing. She was it seemed a nice lady and won by singing from a classical repertoire which is also nice. Obviously I don’t watch TV if something like this lighter than air entertainment is on because it makes me want to hurk up one or two fur balls so I didn’t remember the dear lady’s name.

Obviously when you can’t remember something a good place to look is it is more of a search engine than and even if it isn’t it has less annoying adverts and inaccuracies. So I typed in a few key words as you do and got nowhere what so ever.

It seems that a winner of the xFactor is like a butterfly, they appear, they entertain, (though of course few butterflies sing either pop or classical music), and then they disappear which is probably just as well from what I have heard of what is describes as their “talent” bless them.

But it is annoying for this comedic Cat because I was going to say that the Blue Whales’ drop in tone might be something to do with listening to this nice lady who won the xFactor and has obviously now vanished, but the gag doesn’t work so well when it is explained like that and anyway I may have gone on to say why the Blue Whales were singing in deeper voices and that might have got a little rude.

So all in all I suppose it is a good thing for all concerned that winners of the xFactor disappear for good. One thing I did notice in my style search is that the person to blame for the xFactor, a Simon someone, is leaving the show!

Let’s hope that he follows the ‘stars’ that he has created and slips as quietly as possible into total obscurity and that soon after the show Titanic-like, joins him, because it all sounds so awful.

Still what do I care really? I don’t is the answer!

Actually a thought just occurred to me, and it is that I may have an answer as to why the Blue Whales are singing in a deeper tone and that is of course that they are in training for an appearance on the xFactor show, ah yes it all becomes clear now!

Lastly, I am so glad that I, a good looking Cat, wasn’t a ‘one hit wonder’ and just famous for a mere five minutes! And I would like to thank all of my fans for making that possible.

Now you have to work on your friends and make me more famous than John Lennon, who bless him, once said in a fit of complete stupidity that he was more famous than Jesus! Whoever he is? Let’s face it what have either of them done recently har ha.

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