Can’t Decide Whether To Buy An iPad Or A Competitor’s Device – Ask An Expert!

If you are having trouble deciding between an iPad or the ever growing range of competitor devices out there then you can either take some considered advice from this clever Cat and get the iPad – because imitators are so passé or check out an Iranian ‘iDic.K’.

As you can see from the picture below this expert prefers the Iranian version of the iPad, the iKoran, which has been fondly given the catchy name – ‘iDic.K’ because it ‘Doesn’t Include Content except the Koran’ you can also see that the ‘iDic.K’ comes in two halves the left half weighs five pounds and the right a chunky 10.

So why choose an ‘iDic.K’? Well that is a very good question and the expert has what he believes is a very good answer – the ‘iDic.K’ runs on what has been described by Iranian nuclear scientists “as the most revolutionary and advanced batteries ever invented.” 

These very advanced batteries, according to the Tehran based manufacturer iSlam Inc., are really easy to recharge, all you have to do is to prostrate yourself with your ‘iDic.k’ in both hands and pray 20 times a day. The same experts in Iran have said that prayer powered batteries, like Islam, are just about to storm the world and will be used in most household appliances in the West once Shria law is established and your old fashioned mains electric supply turned off.

The really good news is that no matter which iPad you choose, with the exception of the Iranian ‘iDic.K’ of course, you will be able to read my wonderful book on it and laugh not only at my antics but also at the antics and beliefs of all sorts of fools – no I guess I don’t need another picture here – the one above will do just fine.

You can get an electronic version of my wonderful book at most ebook retailers online, at at and of course my www – wickedly wonderful website

The Cat would like to apologise in advance for some of the content on this blog today namely the picture of the funny little bloke demonstrating the ‘iDic.K’ which was taken using another ‘iDic.K’s’ camera, The Cat imagines that the problem with the picture is the quality of the ‘iDic.K’ prototype’s lens, surely no human can be that ugly?

Justice Is Coming Possibily

Mary Bale, the dreadful bank employee who sparked international outrage after she dumped an innocent Cat into a wheelie bin, has been charged with animal cruelty thankfully.

It will be interesting to follow the trial and see just what you get for stroking a Cat and then dumping it into a wheelie bin and then leaving the poor thing there for around 15 hours. Did I hear anyone say time in prision? Time in prision is one of the options that is open to the judge as is enforcing an order that the old bag never keeps animals, but this trial will be in England, where the legal system is old, decrepid, unjust and frankly passed it and so she will probably just be sentenced to community service – cleaning out wheelie bins?

The injustice has already started because the Old Bag has been on paid sick leave from her job since the incident too afraid to go out I expect, I wonder why she is being paid to sulk at home after what she did?

You know if this old bag had done something really bad in the unfocussed misty eyes of the English legal system like say for instance stolen money even if it was the to the value of a chocolate bar she would see the inside of a gaol but sadly what is incomprehensible to most normal people what will it be to a judge and the English legal system? We will see! I doubt that a Cat will get proper justice!

Just so you know who to shout at when she goes to the courthouse (obviously I would never suggest or encourage anyone to thorw rotten tomatoes or eggs or indeed buckets of Cat vomit for that matter at Mary Bale the following pictures demonstrate the difference between Mary Bale and an Old Bag.


Mary Bale


An Old Bag

PS the trial will be in Coventry England and I will be there with a bucket tee hee!

This Cat Is Ahead of His Time!

There is something so satisfying about knowing that the world eventually catches up with ones thinking! As you can see from the article published yesterday in a very serious UK newspaper the world – at least the UK – is beginning to catch up with one of my particular pet subjects, the hyprocracy of people like Bono, the dreadful prince of Wales and so many more, but I will let you read the article for yourself.

It isn’t often that I reproduce someone else’s words but this correspondent from The Independent London wrote this piece on Wednesday, 15 September 2010 and I blush to say that she has taken the words right out of my previous blogs.

Yes Ms. Burchill, Bono, Fergie, Foorballers and their wives and of course the star of the show the Ever More Dreadful Prince of Wales are hypercrites.Here is what she says tee hee.


The Independent

Wednesday, 15 September 2010


You can’t part a phoney from his money in the age of the hypercrite

Hiding in full sight, it’s as though they believed those gimcrack ads about invisible capes in the back of the comics


I have many faults, but hypocrisy is not one of them. Thus, I’ve always been fascinated by hypocrites; indeed I examined the difference between a phoney and a hypocrite in this very column a while back, concluding that generally an old-school hypocrite knows what he is doing is wrong and seeks to do the dirty on the sly and holds his hands up when caught (Wayne Rooney), whereas a phoney pretends they’ve done nothing wrong but justifies it by some ridiculous psychobabble about being “in a bad place” (yeah, on the front page of the red-tops!) when bang to rights (Sarah Ferguson).

But recently a sumptuous smorgasbord of such flagrant hypocrisy has been laid before us that I feel a new category is in order: hypercrites, who combine the worst aspects of the hypocrite AND the phoney combined with some absolute lunatic conviction that NO ONE WILL NOTICE WHAT THEY’RE DOING. Hiding in full sight, if you like; it’s as though they believed those gimcrack ads about invisible capes in the back of the old-school comics.

Thus the high-flying poltroon Prince Charles lectures us about our carbon footprint while clocking up enough air miles to make a trolley-dolly dizzy. The Pope rails against the moral vacuum at the heart of modernity while presiding over the biggest paedophile ring in recorded history. Head honchos at the Government quango the Commonwealth Development Corporation live it up in Michelin-starred restaurants, kick back in five-star hotels and take £330 taxi rides from Brussels to Paris, out of the £2.5bn pot of public money set aside for fighting poverty in the world’s worst-off countries.

And now Bono, champion of the poor, has moved a good deal of the business of the “ethical” fashion house run by him and his wife, and set up to “encourage trade with Africa and celebrate the possibilities and people of the continent” from said Africa to China. No doubt to celebrate the possibilities of the sweatshops, long hours and low pay that’s SO a good look right now!


Of course, it’s only last year that Bono was accused by the campaign group Debt and Development Coalition Ireland of robbing the world’s poor by stashing huge wads of cash in a tax haven when the revenue might well have been used as overseas aid. “We wanted to raise our concern that while Bono has championed the cause of fighting poverty and injustice in the impoverished world, the fact is that his band has moved part of its business to a tax shelter in the Netherlands,” the DCCI said. “Tax avoidance and tax evasion costs the impoverished world at least $160m every year. This is money urgently required to bring people out of poverty.” But it’s still pretty rank.

And hearing about Bono made me think about Andrew Carnegie, as I do most days as I traipse along the street handing out twenties to beggars, hearing in one ear my accountant yelling “Julie – NOOO!” and in the other Mr Carnegie whispering “He who dies rich dies shamed”; my favourite saying EVER. Born in a one-room weaver’s cottage in Scotland, migrating to the US as a child, his first job at the age of 13 was as a bobbin boy, changing spools of thread in a cotton mill for 12 hours a day, six days a week, for a wage of $1.20. Soon after, he became a messenger boy at a telegraph company; he advanced through the ranks and then into the steel industry, where he made the fortune that saw him become arguably the second richest individual in American history, after Rockefeller.

But mainly, Carnegie gave money away – HE WHO DIES RICH, DIES SHAMED. Schools, universities, 3,000 libraries all around the world – my local library is a Carnegie library, and a beautiful thing it is, too – and pension funds for former employees. By the time he died in 1919, he had given away somewhere around the current equivalent of $4.3bn. His remaining $30m was given to foundations, charities, and to pensioners.

In the half-witted left-wing circles I used to move in as a callow youth, there was always this dumb theory that the rich over here were somehow better than the rich in the US because they had a sense of noblesse oblige. But it really is a bunch of eye-wash. Think of that stat that over here, the poorest people give the greatest proportion to charity, dwindling as one moves up the tax brackets; in the US, far more laudably and logically, the reverse is true. Think of that billionaire dude’s club, Bill Gates and his mates, whose brilliant circle-jerk generosity seems echoed here only by the amount of lectures the rich dish out to the poor, whether under the guise of greenery or government cuts.

WHY can’t a Euro-millionaire – be he prince or pop star – be more like a Yank? Just quit lecturing, shut your big wazoo and cough up! I’d like to say put your money where your mouth is – but then you’d have to stick it where the sun don’t shine, and who’d want it after that? HE WHO DIES RICH, DIES SHAMED. Deal with it!

Wayne & Coleen: Ladies – get off your rickety soapboxes

I’m starting to think that Wayne Rooney has done a far, far better thing than he has ever done by repeatedly sleeping with hookers. He is, unconsciously, telling his wife – who loved him when he was just a boy, not a brand – that he is not good enough for her and that she should get out now while she’s still young. Otherwise? The Catholic woman who embraces her suffering may well be a care-worn cliché, but if Coleen really fancies being a mater dolorosa, all the elements are in place.

And talking of sorrowing women, can we please have a moratorium on all the female newspaper columnists getting up on their somewhat rickety soap boxes and serving it seven ways to poor Juicy Jeni? “Young girls these days are whoring themselves to the highest bidder in search of a WAG lifestyle. When I was a youngster, we wanted to be something worthwhile like a teacher or a doctor – not rich and and famous,” goes the gist.

Then WHY, dear fellow female newspaper columnist, didn’t YOU become something worthwhile like a teacher or a doctor? Was it because, perhaps, you wanted to do something with low stress and decent pay? And to get your picture in the paper? Exactly. The Colonel’s Lady and Juicy O’Grady…

Medialand: Don’t do as I do – that’s the general rule here

Combining both these points, I can’t count the number of well-paid hacking jobs I’ve turned down because I found it somewhat duplicit, to say the least, to make thousands of pounds from an afternoon of condemning drunken, pleasure-seeking women on the streets of Newquay or Newcastle, knowing full well that when the day was done I would more than likely be drunkenly pleasure-seeking in the more upmarket bars of Soho and Brighton. But when I’d say to a commissioning editor “How can I condemn drunks, because I drink loads, too?” the response was deafening, to say the least.

Don’t do as I do – do as I why-oh-why is the general rule out here in Hackland. I love hacks, and I love being one, but their hypocrisy – particularly the women, regrettably, and particularly the female columnists – is one of the few qualities that revolts me.


There that is it – of course in the article Ms Burchill admits to having faults that, as far as I can see, is the only place where we differ.

To read more from my books, blogs and so much more don’t do anything else just click here – my wickedly wonderful website

Naughty Cows!

There are plans to combat climate change with a less gassy diet for cows because scientists believe that climate change can be slowed if farmers around the world change the diet of their livestock, whose feed crops, farting, belching and manure contribute a fifth of the planet’s greenhouse gas emissions.

I have to say that I have always thought that Cows were just a little – how can I put this? Er ‘earthy’ and now scientists have proved why Cows stand in fields with big smiles on their faces, they must be farting almost constantly to produce so much in the way of greenhouse gases.

Thank goodness that breeders never attempted to breed a ‘house Cow’ that is all I can say.

Where Have you Put the Summer?

Today it is raining, yesterday it was raining and would you believe it was raining the day before yesterday and it will probably be raining tomorrow! Now the rain situation is probably ok for you humans with umbrellas but for a Cat sitting on a window sill blowing two little patches of steam on the glass with his hot breath too much rain is just very depressing because as you can see from the photograph I can’t see out. And worse when it is raining heavily it makes the business of Escape heavy going.

As you probably know if you are a dedicated fan of mine that I like looking out of the window and planning my escape and so I am asking you nicely (at first) to kindly return the Summer so that I can see the back of this torrential rain and make my escape, it is I am sure the only think now holding me back oh of course there are the window locks, motion sensors, the security perimeter and flood lights at night, but I think the lack of fine weather has the biggest impact on my failure to escape.

Of course you humans are lucky not only because of your umbrellas but also because if you are stuck inside at work or at home and it is raining as hard as it is here you can happily read my book which you can easily get here or log onto my wickedly wonderful website here and while away the time or if you are like a Cat ‘wile’ away the time before your next escape attempt.

Tiny People Aren’t Happy People – At The Moment!

I read that some tiny works of art vanished from an exhibition in a garden of an English stately home, but this Cat wants to know what did the idiots expect pocket sized art and the public loose with pockets.

Staff at the stately home are offering an amnesty to eagle-eyed visitors who appear to have spotted the tiny people and then removed all of the Lilliput-sized art exhibition from the mansion’s grounds.

Nine “tiny people” made from resin by the London street artist Slinkachu have disappeared from the gardens at Belsay Hall, in Northumberland, where they were part of a “deliberately curious” summer show and now they are not tee hee.

If you get a chance do visit Northhumberland on the north east coast of England, it’s very beautiful up there and reasonably empty even for over crowded England and of course it is famous for being a place where my translator (John Woodcock) lived after being born in Dracula country.

Dracula country being County Durham and in particular Whitley Bay, the home of the legend and where Bram Stoker spent a winter and came up with the whole Dracula idea when looking out over the grey sea and dark grey sky pressing down on it – I think har ha.

Tiny people.jpg

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