I Don’t Know What To Say!

Very occasionally I am lost for words! Yes really I mean it, I think it is because I write so many words so often that sometimes they just slip away unnoticed and disappear and then I am flummoxed and don’t know what to say, although it occurs to me if a Cat, no matter how clever, who is currently lost for words can come up with the word ‘flummoxed’ then there is no hope for mankind who’s children seem to be leaving school these days in their teens with reading and writing ages of children half their age – but then as usual I digress.

Back here at the point for a moment – I am occasionally I am lost for words! When I find that I can’t think of anything to type either for my amazingly wonderful blog or my latest blockbusting book (which is a Travelogue and yes there is still time for you to pay to have your country ‘removed’ from my incredible book that some say is the most truthful account of what a travel might experience in any of a number of countries) I do a bit of casual ‘web surfing’ – if they call it that these days – to see if I can find an idiot or two to expose, or indeed something note or news worthy that my lovely cuddly readers may have missed along their way – obviously the titbit of information has to be animal related and preferably Cat related.

Today I was surfing the web to do exactly that and guess what I found – no you would never guess in a million years it is so stupidly ridiculous.

I found a website which offers information, tips, hints and so forth on magic – ok so far that doesn’t constitute ‘stupidly ridiculous’ I agree but I think you will see what I mean by “stupidly ridiculous” when you start to read the BLACK CAT HAIR page. Especially when you discover that you can buy – how can I put this – ‘a sample’ I suppose is the best way to describe what the seller calls the – ‘Lucky Mojo Black Cat Hair Curio Pack’ he or she offers for sale.

Black Cat Hair.jpg

Now to this casual and extremely untrained connoisseur of Cat hair or ‘fur’ as we like to call it, although obviously witches differ, the ‘sample’ looks more like humans pubes – if I can say that on a website that attracts children – but then as I stated above they probably can’t read or understand what I am on about so I think I will be able to say ‘pubes’ don’t you?

Still does it matter if the bag contains pubes (hopefully human) to be honest! It’s bad enough if the product being offered for sale is real “Cat hair” (please call it fur) because if there is any demand there must be hundreds of bald moggies shivering across the west coast of America, the home of the producer of ‘Lucky Mojo Black Cat Hair Curio Pack’, but believe me the outrage of this item goes much further than either relieving hundreds of black Cats of their fur or snipping of clumps of black pubic hair and bagging it for sale, oh yes it definitely does.

The charlatan who previously probably sold a ‘patent cure’ from the back of a covered wagon says about the amazing product that black Cat hair has the following amazing properties –

  • Black Cat hair is lucky for Gamblers

  • Black Cat hair is used in a bottle spell to make a couple break up. (I suppose that the couple in question aren’t gamblers and what is a ‘bottle spell’ when it is at home?)

  • Black Cat hair can (only because it is associated with black Cats as far as I can ascertain) grant Invisibility or the Return of a Lost Lover. (Which is the opposite oddly enough. But that isn’t important, what is important is the reason why I say that black Cat hair must, in this case, be useful because it is associated with black Cats and that association enables the magic spell. Why is that well as every practitioner of magic knows it’s the magic or lucky bone that a black Cat is suppose to have that does that ‘trick.’ However it isn’t really lucky for a black Cat to possess such a prized bone because the only way to get at it, and presumably the luck it contains, is to get to the bone after boiling the black Cat alive!

The website does say “Obviously this spell is cruel and we do not endorse it. For folks in search of invisibility after a fashion, we offer Law Keep Away.” This Cat wonders what are the ingredients of ‘Law Keep Away?’ You’ll notice that they don’t say that this spell is gross, cruel, distasteful, daft and most importantly of all like all other spells from any religion, craft just doesn’t work!

I bet you are dying to know how to use the black Cat hair that you are just about to purchase to make you so much luckier a gambler than you currently are aren’t you – well for those with very good glasses the directions and some of the above are printed on the very unappealing label of the evidence bag style packaging that your black Cat hair comes in. But for those slightly less well endowed optically I have transcribed it below. Mind you I bet if you dig around in this unsavoury website you will probably find a potion that will sort out your eyesight once and for all.

So here is what you must do to become rich beyond your wildest dreams – do nothing – the black Cat hair it would seem does it all – whatever that is. Unfortunately there aren’t any clear instructions for use of this magic black Cat hair.

But if you want to cause lovers to Quarrel and Separate and in that order I suppose – although personally I have discovered in the normal world when you quarrel and separate you then do a lot more quarreling after the separation, all you do is this – mix the black Cat hair with Black Dog Hair, 9 Coffin Nails, 9 Needles, and 9 Pins (not of the bowling variety I presume) simple!

The page of the website I was reading didn’t say if it sold black Dog hair and the coffin nails etc., but I expect they do don’t you?

Oddly enough after the enormous effort of accumulating all of the ingredients there is no ‘method’ no explanation as to what to do with what amounts to a pocketful of trash.

Or indeed thinking about it – they don’t say what you do once you have done what you are supposed to do with the ingredients if you follow me and frankly I think I got lost there somewhere, but I think you know what I mean! The people who wrote the label don’t say that you have to mix the ingredients together and then they follow that lack of instruction by not saying what you have to do when you have done what they haven’t told you what to do – my head hurts now does yours? Yes – let’s move on then.

I just imagine a lot very annoyed witches and I suppose an equal number of dissatisfied warlocks staring down at the crap they have in front of them and thinking – huh!

By the way do let me know if you give this a try – well let me rephrase that! Do tell me if you try this at home because then I know I can blacklist you and block your rabid emails because you obviously must be insane or desperate to try this and either way you have to be very dangerous har ha.

  • Of course I can add one or two more facts about black Cat hair and so I will:
    Take black Cat hair (or fur hrrumph) from a black Cat without asking nicely and you will probably lose one of your thumbs you humans are so proud of.

  • Black Cat hair should be called Black Cat fur.

  • Humans will buy any old rubbish if they are told it will bring them luck.

  • Humans think that they are highly evolved.

  • Humans are probably the most gullible species on the planet and the only one which believes in a God I might add – but maybe I shouldn’t.

  • Some humans think that Sarah Palin cares about them and is electable.

  • As a Cat I think that it is really odd that these sorts of potions and magic thingy’s never include bits of humans because humans don’t seem to have any qualms when they lop of bits of animals to create their magic, or is it that everyone knows that this sort of nonsense is just that and so it is better to use a bit of Cat, Toad or Newt because they tend not to sue the magicians?

As you can see for yourself the ‘product’ if you can grace it with that description has a ‘small print’ caveat – which the maker of the label couldn’t be bothered to actually make small or I suppose didn’t actually have the right spell to hand to do the job for them – or maybe he/she did and it didn’t work. So here it is using the same odd combination of capital letters as the author does across the whole of the website –

“We make no claim for BLACK CAT HAIR, and sell as a Curio only.”

You can tell that this was rubbish was collected for sale in California can’t you – it is probably the worst place in the world to sell such a thing because it is probably the only place on the planet where disgruntled witches or warlocks would actually sue the supplier because the rubbish they bought didn’t work and be taken as seriously as they took the seller in the first place.

For those ultra curious the black Cat hair – oh I do wish the idiots would call it fur – retails at a mere $3.00 however the book of spells that explain what to do with the dreadful stuff is $14.95 you’d have to be mad to buy that rubbish when you can buy my book at Amazon.com or my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com wouldn’t you!

The Disney movie ‘Tron Legacy’ may well be dreadful if you listen to the critics but do, if you get the chance, take in the soundtrack by Daftpunk. It is really very good indeed.

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2 thoughts on “I Don’t Know What To Say!”

  1. In this Cat’s opinion there is little to be said for any person, parrot or indeed world cup Octopus who says that they can predict the future, heal, or achieve any of the mystic things that they say they can do and for me that applies to religion either organised or chaotic, they all appear to this ungodly Cat to be ‘on the make’ and ‘out for themselves’ and let’s face it do you know a poor church?

    Here is a little extract from my latest book which is a ‘Travelogue’ just for you that I think sums up the whole business nicely!

    “Italy – Beware Of Visions And Visionaries

    Some years ago in one of the little villages somewhere outside of Milan there was a young girl who apparently had a visitation from a golden Angel and several other important personages from the kingdom of heaven. Which is nice in a sort of extremely creepy way.

    Every single one of this young girl’s very important heavenly visitors told her that there was going to be a dreadful Earthquake and that the ground was going to open up and swallow all of the sinners who would then fall to purgatory and live in damnation until the end of time, or indeed beyond, you know just the normal damnation stuff! Not really a very forgiving thing to tell a young impressionable girl I know but heaven can obviously play hardball.

    When they heard the tale the little girl’s parents called the village Priest and asked him to confirm that she had had a holy vision and the Priest in turn called the village Doctor and together they talked for hours agreeing in the end that the best thing to do with the little girl was to lock her away, because the world was a complicated enough place without one more hysterical religious troublemaker.”

    There I hope you like it. One last thing my best friend is or believes that he has powers bless him, he is quite harmless as far as I know if you take what he says with a pinch of salt but one thing that always struck me as odd and that is that he has a native American Indian spirit guide, now he is English why doesn’t his spirit guide come from Dagenham or Bodmin? And I think if you are a little psychic then it is normal that you have a native American guide – why do spirit guides have to be like that – because they are ‘special’ I suppose and a bit exotic.

    I stopped him trying to ‘psyc’ me, if you see what I mean, completely and I think put the wind up him.

    My dear brother had died and I had only just got back to London and my friend was kind enough to visit to make sure I was ok, which was nice, he is as I said a very good friend. I’m English and so I made tea – we do that a lot.

    My friend and I were sitting in the front room talking and sipping tea when he looked up and told me that my brother had just come through the open door into the room.

    Now what you are supposed to do in these circumstances is marvel at the ability of the person telling you what is happening and also ask questions, and I suppose chat in ‘Crowe’ or ‘Souix’ to the native Indian guide, I say suppose because I don’t really know the form here.

    What I did rather took my friend aback because I wanted to end his (in my opinion nonsense and give him a new experience into the bargain) I shouted loudly at the area of space indicated and asked in my more vulgar language than I will use here “just why the hell did you have to jump of a bloody bridge?” There was more, I was angry so of course there was a lot more!

    My friend shut up happily and we continued to sip our tea and talk ‘normally’ about my brother who was one of the most wonderful people in the world, a bit of a drunk, very lonely and one of the greatest writers I have ever known – but then he was my big brother and sometimes younger brothers exaggerate the abilities of their older brothers har ha.

    Since that occasion seven years ago my friend and I haven’t broached the subject of the ‘other’ world happily and that means that I no longer get Tarot (the last 3 letters are important here) readings, ‘messages’ and any other rubbish.

    Have a wonderful weekend and if you want to be rich hold onto your money and don’t purchase any of this psychic nonsense – just invest in good books like err… oh mine of course.

  2. The owner of that shop that sells it is named Cat! She actually does know a lot of folklore and occult stuff, I have to admit that I was tempted at one time to purchase some stuff from her but then I talked to a few people who did and who felt like they were scammed. There was one lady online who said she got a free reading from her but decided to trick her to test if she was actually psychic by giving her a fake name and bogus information and she never picked up on it. She claimed that at one point she told her that her man was schizophrenic or mentally ill but she lied and didn’t have a man but gave her the name of her dog instead!

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