French Christmas Carols Are Odd!

Not only are french Christmas carols odd they are of course rip off of English ones, for example the good old ‘The Twelve Days of Christmas’ or ‘Partridge in a Pear Tree’ becomes ‘La foi de la loi’ or ‘The faith of the law!’But the french have tried to disguise the fact that they have stolen the English Christmas Carol by adding a bizarreness to it and that achieve this by adding words about their favourite past time – eating.

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So instead of a ‘The Twelve Days of Christmas’ we have ‘La foi de la loi’ or ‘The faith of the law’ which you will have cleverly noticed has noting to do with food – ah these frenchies are clever and there isn’t a Partridge or a Pear tree in sight.

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They sing this little song at Christmas in the west of France and as befits a song about food disguised as a song about the law, the french insists that the song is sung “avec solennite,” (with solemnity) this Cat thinks that that is probably not easy when you look at the words to the 11th verse!

So how do we know that the french stole the song when it has been so heavily disguised – well the tune is a dead give away and I suppose you are going to have to take this honest Cat’s word for that but I can also add that the sequence of the song is the same as in English because although the french do so much that is different from the normal world they haven’t yet managed to count differently to the rest of the world much to their annoyance.

So without further ado let’s strike up the band and sing ‘La foi de la loi,”avec solennite’ of course!

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On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me a good stuffing without bones (it doesn’t quite have the ring of a ‘The Twelve Days of Christmas’/’Partridge in a Pear Tree’ does it?)

Now just add the rest below!

Two breasts of veal,

Three joints of beef,

Four pigs’ trotters,

Five legs of mutton,

Six partridges with cabbage,

Seven spitted rabbits,

Eight plates of salad,

Nine dishes for a chapter of canons,

Ten full casks,

Eleven beautiful full-breasted maidens (would the french know what to do with these?)

Twelve musketeers with their swords

I don’t know about you, but it just doesn’t do it for me! I miss the Lords a Leaping and the Five Gold Rings but then maybe i am old fashioned, still if you are very good and need a laugh let me know and I will tell you all about the very weird Scottish version of this great English Carol ‘strange’ is a word that doesn’t come close to describing it – yes the french and the scots have a lot in common.

Great News

Amazon.com have done what they described as an “emergency restock” so that then now have enough copies my best selling book, they like me are surprised and delighted by just how many people have shown the good taste to buy not only a copy of my masterpiece of a book for themselves but also to buy four or five spare copies to give to treasured friends and relations.

So don’t miss out on having my wonderful book delivered well before the noel day order it now.Yes drop everything – what did you think I meant!

Get your copy or better still copies here Amazon.com and of course you can always get a copy of my perfect book from my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com where you can also enjoy a lot of other stuff free online games, jokes, and so much more.

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How To ‘Sign’ Christmas

Have you ever wanted to know how to say “Happy Christmas” in sign language and be able to wish your friends with hearing loss a “Happy Christmas?”

I know I would want to if I were human! Sadly paws don’t ‘do’ sign language very well, although it is worth remembering that as well as understanding human speech Cats can and do lip read – yes you didn’t know that did you?

Here is the perfect and simplest way to say Happy Christmas in sign language using ASL (American Sign Language), it is by no means the only way to do that because sign language is an amazingly varied and rich language but most deaf people are very clever at interpreting what you ‘say’ and will be able to understand what you are signing happily.

There are two basic signs that you have to master to say “Happy Christmas” in sign language the first (below) is ‘Happy’ (obviously) and involves holding your hands (which I must say I envy you having) straight out in front of your body and then twirling them in different direction as indicated by the nice bald man and handy arrows in the picture.

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Once you have done that the second sign is equally as simple and basically comprises the sign letter for ‘C’ a curl made up of your fingers and thumbs waved from right to left and if you add that to the first sign you have “Happy Christmas” in sign language.

Isn’t it nice to think that thanks to this wonderful Cat you can sign Happy Christmas I think so and wish I could but the closest I have got with my paws is “have cash” – and that is not something you want to advertise in public in snowy Prague one of the cities currently competing for “Pickpocketing Capital of the World.”

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Don’t forget that Amazon.com have restocked my best selling book and that means that you can still order it now and have it delivered before the noel day, they say that my book makes a wonderful present and who am I to disagree?

Get your copy or better still copies here Amazon.com and of course you can always get a copy of my perfect book from my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com where you can also enjoy a lot of other stuff free online games, jokes, and so much more.

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Ginger Is At It Again!

Why are all slightly unbalanced Cats called ‘Ginger?’ If you read my blog or visit my www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com you’ll be more than familiar with one of my best pals who mostly goes by the name of ‘Ginger,’ and indeed you may remember vividly his ‘cooler kid’ story.

My pal Ginger is not the only Ginger Cat who’s ‘balance’ you would question, but it doesn’t end there, ‘Ginger’ Cats are more often than not just plain naughty which is yet another trait in the shadowy, larcenous end of the Cat family tree where the ‘Gingers’ hang out doing a marvellous job of finding trouble.

The reason I ask why all Ginger Cats are ‘the way they are’ is because yet another Ginger has been caught being naughty, generally annoying folk and in the process getting himself into all sorts of official tepid water.

The ‘ Ginger’ here is a Cat who lives in Swansea in South Wales, Swansea’s not what you might call a ‘happening place’ there’s no urban beat in South Wales let alone Swansea the inhabitants would, in fact if they were honest, call the place ‘dormant’ rather than just sleepy, all in all Swansea is a pretty quiet place with not a lot to do in the long snow covered wintry nights – but enough of the Travelogue (the title of my next book of course – which happily doesn’t feature Swansea I have to say), here’s more about ‘Welsh Ginger.’

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‘Welsh Ginger’ has a hobby! It’s the sort of hobby that he and other enthusiasts can only practice at night when few are about and all good humans and nice Cats are tucked up in bed fast asleep.

‘Welsh Ginger’ went to far this time though when his human was woken up by Police officers urgently banging on the front door in the very dark and early hours of the morning.

‘Welsh Ginger’s’ sleepy, bleary eyed owner was told by the Police that they were responding to a ‘999’ call it is the same as a ‘911’ call except that it is faster and easier to dial on a digital phone obviously – mind you this Cat has always wondered why humans didn’t pick the first number on the phone dial to jab three times in a hurry if there was a need for any or all of the emergency services? But then that has nothing to do with this story or indeed human logic!

‘Welsh Ginger’s’ human sleepily said that the emergency call was nothing to do with him and took the officers into the front room where he kept the phone to prove it! It was then that ‘Welsh Ginger’ might have known that the game was ‘up.’ well at least for the moment, if he had been awake!

Unfortunately for ‘Welsh Ginger’ he had dialed 999 to make the hoax call probably giggling sleepily and then nodded off next to the phone where he was, according to the police report, “found to be reclining next to the unhooked phone with one of his paws on the keyboard.” Oops!

When we at The Cat’s Diary had a chat with – let’s call him ‘Telephone Ginger,’ because for some reason ‘Welsh Ginger’ make him sound a bit dim doesn’t it, he said.

“What can I say? I’m vexed – I was caught! But I’d do it again, in a whisker, in fact if no one is looking I’d do it now, can you pass me the phone… oh no that’s how I got caught last time!”

‘Telephone Ginger’ went on to say that he liked not only playing with the phone but also making hoax calls but that it seems that he had made one or two fatal errors.

“I don’t think I should use the phone again when I am tired, but I don’t think that was the only reason I got caught, it’s uncanny but I it feels like someone was on the other end listening!”

This clever Cat never said that Ginger Cats were that bright did I?

When asked about the incident a Police spokesman said “that he would like to thank Ginger for making a slow Tuesday night just a little more exciting, ‘cos you see, nothing much goes on in Swansea!”

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I’ve Gone All Christmasy And Put Loads Of New Free On-Line Games On My Site

From today until somewhere around the 12th day of Christmas, or the end of January if I am feeling a little ‘Russian,’ (because the Russians celebrate the New Year’s holiday until almost the end of January) you will be able to celebrate Christmas with me on my www – wickedly wonderful website because I have added a lot of Christmasy treats like flashing Christmas lights and falling. But don’t take my word for it check out the snow and Christmas lights for yourself here www.thecatsdiary.com.

And not only do the Christmas lights flash but if you are getting more than a little frustrated by the Christmas crowds in the shops, the cost of all the Christmas presents you have to buy for people you hardly know and generally drowned in Christmas spirit you can get your own back on my perfect website just run your cursor over the pretty flashing Christmas lights and see what happens – tee hee!

No please don’t thank me it is all in a day’s work for a techno Cat who simply wants to entertain humans everywhere. Oh and of course to get them to buy his book which luckily you can do on my marvellous site www.thecatsdiary.com or here Amazon.com and if you want to order multiple copies well who am I to stand in your way? I’m far to fabulous and polite to do that!

I suppose most websites that aren’t www-wickedly wonderful websites, run by a clever, kind and cuddly Cat would just stop there with a few flashing Christmas lights and some expensive special effects!

But and it is a big Christmas ‘but,’I am a Cat you loves to give and of course entertain and that means that I have gone that extra mile for my readers this Christmas or as they would have it in Europe I have gone the extra kilometre and added even more of my amazingly popular online games, these on-line games are as usual free, fun and fully tested by me, I loved them as I know you will so enjoy them and if they help you cope with Christmas or indeed pass the time until ‘the’ day and you get your pressies that is all I ask for – apart from the “buying my book bit of course tee hee!”

Not all of the free on-line games are Christmasy play the Ice Slide Game and you can catapult your favourite unsuspecting polar animal as far as you can into the snowy distance. Obviously you have to help that nice polar animal avoid the snowy hazards as he or she flies through the air – did anyone say addictive? They certainly did!

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The more Christmasy Free On-line Games include:

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Holly A Christmas Tale Delux

A great game where you can enjoy a new version of what is regarded as a true holiday classic!

Holly: A Christmas Tale Deluxe tells the story of a young woman who falls asleep on Christmas Eve and dreams that she is helping Santa Claus deliver toys to children around the world. But is she really asleep? Or is what is happening real?

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The Toy Factory

Where you help Simon the Elf recover all the toys of Santa before midnight because by midnight the presents have to start being delivered and Simon is nowhere near ready and worried what Santa will say when he finds out!

I have added many more free on-line games, but don’t let me spoil the surprise just on just click here The Cat’s Game Page and you can always be sure that The Cat’s games are exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.

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I Know You All Like My Sign Pictures

This clever Cat knows that you all like my sign pictures because when I post them the sales of my wonderful book seem to rise – it could be coincidence of course but just in case it isn’t I have found too excellent signs just for you and if you feel like buying my masterpiece of feline literature please don’t let me stand in your way just click here Amazon.com or here www.thecatsdiary.com my book makes a great Christmas present for someone you really love of course hint hint.

These signs are brought to you by two of my favourite English language muggers the first shows that the state controls everything in China in a very confused way of course.

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I wonder why you would want to catch fish in private then have a romp in the water? The chinese are not only authoritarian they are weird as well!

The second ‘sign’ is from a menu from a small café in the Ukraine and describes a dish of a mother in law as far as I can tell I bet she isn’t any “illusion appetizer don’t you?

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Shock Horror Prince Charles And The Queen Attacked!

Reports (and oddly enough very sharp pictures) are coming in to Cat World HQ that Queen camilla, “our queen of pies” as the mob now lovely call the chubby camilla the Duchess of Cornwall because of the weight she has so gracefully gained since she became an honest woman and married charles, and her husband the once and future king charles were attacked last night by a mob of hungry students.

Apparently students were tipped off by the British media, who needed a good picture story for today’s editions and in addition some outrageous table thumping moral editorial, that the ‘queen of pies’ and her prince were going to be attending yet another charity show where they get the free tickets and the champagne on the understanding that they rub shoulders with the commoners and plebs, who have paid thousands of pounds for a ticket, for as short a time as possible.

But last night the regal free jolly went wrong and the heavily armoured Rolls Royce car paid for by the royal loving British taxpayers and the other equally subsidised cars in the royal convoy were attacked and horror of horrors paint was thrown!

As readers of my blog can see – inside the royal car there was absolute panic from the regal couple and camilla was heard to scream “they’re trying to steal our Pies!” In the picture ex-naval captain prince charles can be seen being defended by the queen of pies who hold several honorary military appointments including Royal Colonel of the 4th Battalion of The Rifles and the rest in a list below* all which of course are unpaid positions but do carry hefty expenses for the organisations concerned which are of course in turn funded by the ever poorer British tax payer. Some on lookers say that prince charles retaliated and screamed at the mob after he had recovered some of his composure “get your own pies you filthy swine, there are our pies!”

After the attack the Metropolitan Police Commissioner said that no one had been injured and that was mainly because the press had failed to warn the London’s Metropolitan Police of the impeding attack, he went on to say that “had the press informed the police they could have had several thousand stick wielding riot police on hand to deal with the students efficiently and effectively – as I discovered on a recent trip to China whacking students and other protestors definitely beats catching criminals for a living and helps to ensure the rule of law!”

Comments and wishes of sympathy have yet to come in from all around the world however the Chinese Vice Premier Mr Li Keqiang was reported saying after he heard about the attack that “if people allow the Nobel Prize organisation to criticise China then this cruel attempt to steal an old woman’s pies, just because she lives off state handouts that others aren’t entitled to, shows how the rule of law is breaking down in the west; 19 other countries including the great friends of the royal family Saudi Arabia and Kazakhstan immediately issued statements agreeing with what Mr Li Keqiang had said.

Some time later charles’ father the rarely seen, secretive and mysterious ‘Dook’ was reported to say that “the idiot (we believe he was referring to charles) hasn’t got himself into a scrape with another bit of fluff in a car has he?”

The ‘Dook’ then rambled on as he was led away however this reporter thought he heard the words “still the good news at least with this one we don’t have to deal with the frenchies, nasty swarthy, squat and sinister buggers your average frenchie!” Then after a gap the Dook wrenched the hand that was covering his mouth and shouted. “Still glad the car was a ‘roller’ this time, stronger than the rubbish the krauts make, is the car still drivable – maybe we can salvage some parts this time.”

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Background information

Prince Charles is heir to the British throne but few if any apart from his diplomatic son believe that he will ascend to the throne after his Mummy dies because of his ridiculous behaviour belief in odd cults such as homeopathy and statements like the one in September 10th, 1996 below, which was reported by the daily newspaper ‘The Sun’ on the front cover.

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*The Queen of Pies honorary military appointments

Honorary Air Commodore of RAF Halton, United Kingdom Honorary Air Commodore of RAF Leeming, Commodore-in-Chief of the Naval Medical Services,Commodore-in-Chief Naval Chaplaincy Service, Lady sponsor of HMS Astute

Author’s background information

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in history, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com.

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Do You Like Tea Towels?

Do you like tea towels? It would appear that the British royal family don’t, because they have banned them from being used to commemorate the forthcoming dreadful royal wedding of two rather dull individuals who’s names escape me for the moment!

Yes that is right the Palace has ruled that official souvenirs must be “permanent” and “significant” (whatever that means) and for the ‘palace’ you can read the queen and the rest of the brood.

All of which means I expect we will see lots of really awful plates mass produced in China with uncanny photographic resemblances of the young royal pair; but hang on plates, commemorative or not, aren’t exactly “permanent” are they? You can break a plate quite easily especially if you are in a deteriorating marriage then they tend to fly at you from all angles, even if the aforementioned plate is covered in gold leaf to make it “significant!”

As a Cat with most of his marbles I have to say that I can’t see what all of the fuss about tea towels is about. Just look at this marvellous example of tea towel craftsmanship and design from Charles’ marriage the time before last, to the sulky blonde.

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I have to say although I am a poor judge of human expressions that ‘the boy’ in the pin strip suit looks pretty chipper and frankly the ‘likeness’ is very flattering, I bet when charles does the drying up at home he still smiles at the good looking young guy looking up at him.

If anyone should be more than a little annoyed it is the family of the blonde tragic princess-to-be she looks awful, but then if you had just heard that your future husband had been having an affair with someone old enough to be your Mum and had refused to stop you might not look your best when you pop down to Lord Litchfield’s studio to have him take a snap or two would you?

Thinking about it the only time we haven’t seen a beautifully handcrafted tea towel to commemorate a royal wedding was at charles’ most recent wedding and that was because it is believed that constant exposure to images of the bride can put chickens off laying and frighten small children although it has to be argued that the same is true of the images on the tea towel above come to think of it because let’s face it creating a life like image on a tea towel is just a dream – but then surely people should be able to dream and not have the queen and the rest of the royals stop them!

As tea towels are so dreadful, this confused Cat presumes that the royal palace gift shops, perfectly and strategically located to prise even more money from visitors in royal palaces up and down the UK will stop selling their range of “impermanent” and “insignificant” merchandise namely tea towels.

Personally I am just glad that the royal family owned up and told us unsuspecting punters that they had been selling us crap all this time in their palace gift shops.

Below is a picture of one of the tea towels that the queen and the royal squad have decided is crap, it is described on the Historic Royal Palaces Shops website here Historic Royal Palaces Shops as the – Tea towel – Henry VIII and Wives – and as you can see for yourself if you go to the website this tea towel, which the queen hates so much, is available in all palace’s gift shops including Buckingham Palace just look in the souvenir section although it will probably appear in the “Must Go Sale” section soon and will be heavily reduced from its rrp of 4.99 ukp I expect!

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So what can I say even the royals think that the merchandise in their gift shops is rubbish and that means the best thing to do is to go to my website and treat yourself to something classy and totally unroyal here www.thecatsdiary.com my www – wickedly wonderful website!

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Don’t Order No. 28 On The Menu

Here is a little treat for all of my lovely readers the photograph below was taken in a small restaurant in Nice, France.

What can I say? We all know that the French think that they are the best cooks in the world after they stole all of the Italian recipes in Provence but “Grilled Paving Stone” – no thanks I think that the Cat will pass on that thanks so what ever you do don’t order number 28 on this menu!

By the way have you noticed the number system on the menu, do you think that the number represent some sort of indication of how dangerous each dish is? Just a thought.

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I know that a lot of my wonderfully loyal and extremely cuddly readers are waiting and in some cases clamouring for my next book and you will be pleased to hear that ‘The Travelogue’ is well on the way in fact I am just about to descend upon another unsuspecting country tee hee.

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Internet Search

Do you ever do what I believe is unfairly called a “vanity internet search?” No! Well maybe you should, it’s great fun and not at all vain – well at least I don’t think it’s vain and even if it is at least vanity is a form of self indulgence that doesn’t make you blind!

The other day – well yesterday to be honest – I hate the fact that Cat’s can’t tell a lie, don’t you? I pawed in my name into www.bing.com, (I try not to use www.google.com for all of the reasons I’ve bored you with over the years, although that might change soon because next year they have asked to sell the ebook version of my award winning book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ through their new Google eBooks thingy that you may have read about – bless them) and guess what I saw a new image of me and it is, I have to say, pretty much like all of the other great pictures of me – wonderful.

So I thought I would share the new image of me with you good readers, you can find it for yourselves if you want to on the Kindle edition page on Amazon.com but I know that basically humans are lazy and so I thought I would not only add a link to the page but also show you the wonderful picture.

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You have to admit it is a great portrait isn’t it – just look at that unblinking stare, the strong chin, my chiseled features, those lush furry ears and sharp eyes, mmh maybe I’ll stop there I think I am beginning to sound a little sinister!

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Spammer of the Year Award

Hi All,

As a successful blogger, website owner and general all round wonder I get a lot of spam – it comes to this blog, it comes to my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com and it comes to my personal email address – thecat@thecatsdiary.com. Most of the spam is from some arse or the other advertising rubbish that wasn’t freely available before the internet you know the stuff replica designer crap badly made in China, doggy loans, equally dodgy insurance and very dodgy invitations to get rich quick Nigerian scams, escorts, pills that make bits of men err more err ‘prominent’ all of a sudden and so on.

However there are some spammers who try to make conversation or indeed pass a compliment about a brilliant Cat’s blog or www – wickedly wonderful website in the hope that vanity will prevail and the flattered feline will drop his guard for a moment and allow the spammer to comment on his blog say for instance, then the flood gates are open and the spammer can post any amount of annoying rubbish on what is a brilliant blog and in turn spoil it for all.

So I thought that I would, just for a moment, reward a spammer or two with “The Cat’s Two Finger Trophy” (yes it is remarkably like the Football World Cup Trophy but with Churchill’s golden saluting fingers sticking out of the top tee hee) and let the spammers know that although they stand about as much chance of getting through my security as I do of winning the Nobel Peace Prize their nonsense is read by me and then deleted.

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The award for the most persistent spammer goes to – some arsehole at a betting site with over two hundred spams a month and rising. Happily this rubbish gets filtered out by a marvellous, friendly feline, but I’d blush if I was to tell you who that feline was!

The award for the worst google translate phrase from the original (probably Indian) goes to – some idiot at a Breitling Watch replica website. But it could also have come form the same address just insert a different ridiculously expensive designer watch product and you get the same replica rubbish, for “Your phrase is matchless…” when commenting on my ‘It Was Snowing!’blog?

The award for the most offensive spam goes to – Someone called ‘biking’ at a website for Irish escorts, sadly I can’t report here what they said because young people and Cats use this blog and my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com. Mind you! I would like to know if you were in the market for an ‘escort’ and I think we all know what one of those is, would you choose an Irish one?

The Award for the most nonsensical comment goes to some plonker at a Tattoo website for “Excuse, I have thought and have removed the idea”. Mmh how nice!

The Award for the most irrelevant comment goes to some Chinese site for – “For a long time I here was not.” I too for a long time I was here not especially when I am some where else place – what think you?

The Award for the best disguised spam goes to another escort agency for “Pretty interesting place you’ve got here. Thanks for it. I like such themes and anything connected to them. I definitely want to read more on that blog soon.”

Of course I would reproduce the web and email addresses for all my winners but that would sort of shoot myself in the paw don’t you think?

Still while we are on the subject of pests on the web aren’t Google doing everything they can to become as unpopular as Microsoft – just thought I would mention that! Here in the Czech republic they are not the dominant search engine and so they do everything to displace the search engine that is dominant called www.seznam.cz.

Google advertise at tram stops, on the metro, at the airport and whenever you log on to search on google (a rare event for me I use bing) you type in google.com in the address line expecting to go to a site in English and as the page loads google’s spy network realises that you are in the Czech republic and delivers google.cz which is annoying when it is in a language that this English and Cat speaker doesn’t understand and it does it every single time without fail – how annoying is that?

Just a quick note on the trophy design.

Being English I had to feel for the English in general even though I live in exile when first Russia and then Qatar won the world cup competition to host the game and earn vast amounts of money unless of course you are South Africa who lost billions – or should that be ‘lost’ billions?

The trouble with the English bid and the English is that they play by the rules – although I have to say I think that it showed just what a richard-head (dickhead to any adults reading) young prince Willie is when he said that three world cup delegates had personally promised him that they were voting for England and then in the final count England received just two votes and one was their own har ha – what an idiot and Cameron as well made an absolute twot of himself. (The word ‘twot’ is very much like the word ‘twat’ but the word twot can be used in mixed company har ha).

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