Christmas Shopping Tips!

My first Christmas shopping tip is “in amongst the crowds of shoppers, always use your elbows like a pensioner and barge anyone in your way out of it!” But at the moment with all the snow and in England the wonderful organisation UK Uncut closing shops all over the place on the busiest Christmas shopping day that tip is a little useless tee hee.

The very new organisation to ‘out’ and ‘punish’ big personal and corporate tax dodgers is called UK Uncut and it is a little like the American organisation the Tea Party but with a smaller agenda and that is basically to campaign for fairness in the UK this Saturday the busiest on the calendar this year for shopping saw people of all ages closing shops and supergluing themselves to the shop windows of tax dodgers tee hee.

UK Uncut.jpg

The main ‘victims’ or is that tax dodgers they targeted were Vodaphone Shops who used a very clever avoidance scheme to slip 4.2 billion pounds out of the country and therefore avoid paying tax on it and the shops of the arch tax avoider Philip Green who owns Top Shop among others (and of course advises the newly formed UK Govt) and managed to sneak 1.2 billion pounds of untaxed income out of the UK last year. Keep up the good work I say!

I was going to go to Barcelona for my Christmas shopping I do that every so often because there are some great shops there with very different present-like stuff in but sadly the air traffic controllers were on strike.

So I (tip number two) shopped on Amazon.com where of course you can see and more importantly buy just by clicking here Amazon.com har ha. Shopping online is so easy and before I knew it I had exhausted several credit cards – I don’t know about ‘maxed’ these had ‘melted’ still as you will know from my book I learned long ago that it is better to use someone else’s credit card when shopping online it is (a) cheaper and (b) such a nice surprise of the beneficial owners of the card in question.

Sadly Christmas shopping tips are thin on the ground this year although I might suggest to Philip Green and the Directors of Vodaphone that if they want to open up shop in the UK then they had better pay the taxes they owe and not sneak most of what is owed in tax out of the country and then expect the ordinary British people to pay more on their behalf – there is a revolution coming by the looks of it.

Christmas Tree and presents.jpg

Technorati Tags:
, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Alright Mr. De Mille I’m Ready For My Close Up Now!

Bigger Koyla with Water on Nose.png

In answer to all of the rumours flying around the web, like litter around the Pyramids in Egypt, about the forthcoming movie of my bestselling book and work of genius ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary” all I can say at this moment is “yes!”

Unfortunately the ‘yes’ that I am affirming is a ‘yes’ that I continue to want to make the movie of my wonderfully entertaining which has made good people laugh from Peru to Peterborough via Pittsburgh, though sadly not the People’s Republic of China because I dared to expose their Cat and Dog eating habits.

So, how far have I managed to get with the movie moguls? Well further than you would think for a Cat who is busy writing another blockbuster book although along the way I have not made many friends but then who does if you tell the truth all the time especially to movie moguls?

At the end of the day after various trips to the land of Holly and Wood I would say that probably next year we are going to have a major announcement! It would seem that the main sticking point at the moment is the question “does the Cat have legs?”

I have pointed downwards every time they asked the question but I think they want to know if there are going to be more hilarious books from this champion of feline literature and the answer is yes!

As I have said before to the movie people just let me get on with the new book/books now and they can work on the first movie I blame Harry Potter everyone wants a series of movies now but let’s face it if Anne Frank can have a movie made of her diary then they have to go for mine now, it’s much funnier and you have to ask yourself “what has she done since?” Don’t you?

You can get my book and make your own decision on whether it should be a movie or not here Amazon.com don’t forget you can always get a copy of my perfect book from my¬†www.thecatsdiary.com where ever you buy it it will make a wonderful Christmas present and so why not treat yourself and all of your family friends, the butcher, baker and anyone else deserving especially Firemen who are wonderful.

By the way if you want to get into the Christmas spirit and have the snow falling across your webpage while you read my wonderful blogs in December then you’ll have to go to https://blog.thecatsdiary.com this year because unfortunately there is a bug in the WordPress blog thingy and it messes up the entire page, still never mind my boffins have boffed the same thing for you on the blog page of my www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com.

Technorati Tags:
, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Bacon I Don’t Want To Try!

At first when I saw this wrapper I thought that someone had sent me a label from China where Bow Wow and gulp Pussy Cat are regular menu items – but no oddly enough this wrapper comes from Spain.

I can tell you now if this is fast food in Spain I don’t want to try it!

Dog Bacon.jpg

Then horror of horrors struck me if they have Dog Bacon rolls will they eat a dessert of Stewed Cat and Custard?

If the Spanish, who I have always found to be rather nice unless you are a Bull of course, treat their animals as fast food like this I think they deserve to follow Ireland and go bust!

Technorati Tags:
, , , , , ,

I’m A Bit Late With This News

It is true I am a bit late with this news and there are two reasons for that, the first is that I have been thinking very hard about the momentous achievement that is in this piece of news and secondly well we’ll get to that…

When I heard this news at first I though “huh…and!” Which of course is not a good place to start when considering Universe shattering (literally) news.

Then as I started to digest the news that scientists at the Large Hadron Collider (which lies under the lower priced areas of Swiss real estate next to France) have come the closest ever to re-enacting the beginning of the Universe (and we are talking about the Big Bang here and not some godlike being with a cement mixer) reproducing conditions a millionth of a second after the Big Bang I thought to myself “Makes you wonder why they didn’t go for the exact moment of the Big Bang rather than a millionth of a second after the Big Bang?”

Hadron C.jpg

What stopped them going right back to the beginning? The scientists have a very big machine – collider thingy! They have shed loads of cash, probably expresso coffee machines, a nice staff canteen and I’ll wager Prawns on tap! But still they didn’t go for the ‘big one’ the exact moment of the Big Bang. Was this some flaw in the character of the lead scientists, too cautious to stretch that little bit farther I wondered?

The I started to wonder (yes I did a lot of ‘wondering’ but then this is ‘wonderful’ isn’t it?) what did they get out of all of the time, money and commitment expended? The answer is a computer generated picture (below) and frankly not the best picture of a Big Bang I have seen!

If you want a great picture of the Big Bang then just look at the picture below the scientist’s one – it is the cover of a book/animated movie pitch that my translator John Woodcock is working on about some prehistoric dogs called Desmond, Denis and Dwight the ‘Dino Dogs’ frankly I think that is a much better, more interesting illustration and we all know his ‘limitations’ don’t we bless him!

Alice Event.jpg

The Dino Dogs at the Beginning of Time an animated movie – the Dino Dogs are also available for parties, speeches and lamp post washing.

Bang Cover Third Draft.jpg

Then after all that thinking (and don’t forget the ‘wondering’) I eventually thought to myself ‘I don’t really care what the pictures look like science is a wonderful thing and the Large Hadron Collider is brilliant and better still it is located under France and Switzerland and if it does happen to blow up anytime in the future it probably won’t affect yours truly and that frankly is the most wonderful news!’

LATE NEWS

I have some excellent news about my wonderful masterpiece of a book. My publisher put down his wine glass the other day, sobered up for a while and “arranged to send Amazon a new load of books” or that is what he said!

book-cover.jpg

Yesterday I contacted Amazon who were, as I said the other day, panicking about meeting demand and supply etc., and they say that they have received the consignments and tucked them safely away in their warehouses in the US, Australia and the UK all of which means that my fans won’t be disappointed you can of course order a book here Amazon.com or if you want to put more of the cash in my pocket then you can get the ebook or the paper version at my www – wickedly wonderful website – www.thecatsdiary.com.

It is good news that they got to the UK warehouse to beat the little bit of snow they had – there has been about an inch of snow in the UK and of course that means that the roads are blocked, trains aren’t running and worst of all the BBC Breakfast News has dedicated itself to the snow and the problems it has caused – what a shame this ‘world leading power,’ the UK and not the BBC obviously. is brought to its knees by an inch or two of snow!

Maybe instead of acting like a ‘world power’ which it no longer is, the UK should stop lending $13 billion to Ireland, sending aid money to India and China and invest in a little bit of salt and snowplows for the roads – you know do something for the poor devils trying to get to work, school and of course the airport to get out of the place who read my blog on a daily basis and who I care for as thought they are family and are now sitting abandoned in Cars, Trains and the staff accommodation of Sevenoaks railway station with only the ever dreadful BBC to listen to!

Here in Prague in the Czech Republic (for the geographically challenged) it was minus 12C overnight it has been snowing on and off for four days and the snow is thick and crunchy and it’s also cleared from all of the major roads, most of the other roads that matter, and the sidewalks as well, even as I write this blog the little orange van that comes around to empty the trash bins on the sidewalk has stopped to empty the bin – today it has been fitted with a snowplow and has a grit spreader on the back clever eh? Well no not according to the British who would say that the Czech Republic is ex-communist and therefore a bit backward and nowhere nears as modern as the UK!

Technorati Tags:
, , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,