Calling All E-reader Owners

The Cat would like to say a big hello to everyone who was lucky enough to get a nice shiny e-reader for Christmas and extend that very big hello to everyone who got an Apple iPad too.

Just out of interest how many iPad owners are on their second one after their first dreadfully assembled thing broke? Ok! And now how many are on their third iPad? Proving that the bloody Chinese can’t ‘make’ anything properly! Lastly who, like me, are on their fourth iPad proving that Monkeys could make better iPads than the Chinese and that not only do I have a lot of patience but so do the people at the Apple Centre. Of course this is the worst type of indictment against having anything what so ever made in China – we have to stop this nonsense demand that your goods are made locally for good ness sake it will be more economic and eco-friendly in the long run.

What is wrong with having things made in Ohio or Barnsley or indeed Prague? Nothing! These days as wages start to go through the roof in China and the cost to the environment of shipping what tends to be ‘broken’ merchandise out of China makes buying things made badly in China a non-starter.

Sorry I interrupted myself there for a moment, my regular readers are used to that and know that I will always veer or occasionally lurch back to the point which is. Hello to all you good people who got an e-reader or iPad for Christmas.

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It’s just a thought but if you are looking for something wonderful to read on your new e-reader, Kindle or iPad don’t look any further than my wonderful best selling book you can get in all of the usual formats that will enable you to read it on any e-reader, here’s a tip for ipad users – personally I would download the e-pub version of my masterpiece from my website here at my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com for the simple reason that I will earn more than if you buy it through Apple who have to pay so much for dumping badly made Chinese iPads.

If it is a Kindle edition of my peerless book you are looking for then just simply click here Amazon.com or indeed ‘on’ this wonderful picture of me on the cover of my marvellous unputdownable book.

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Oh one last thing! After you have read my wonderful book please let me know here or at the Amazon site here Amazon.com what you think of it I love hearing from new and old fans.

If you have an odd e-reader, that is err… how can I put this a little odd – no that isn’t right what I mean is a cheap Chinese knock off of any of the main branded e-readers or iPads let me know if in the unlikely event that my marvellous ebook doesn’t work on your new machine and I will ensure, as soon as I am able, that you have one of my ebooks in the format that best suits your machine in fact I’ll have my boffins on the case as soon as I can.

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Don’t Miss This!

Ok I have bowed to pressure from my translator John Woodcock and agreed to tell all of my wonderful cuddly readers about his daughter Jo Woodcock. Jo is on TV a lot next week in the UK and America in the second season of a drama called ‘Land Girls.’

‘Land Girls’ is about young women in the second world war who weren’t allowed to fight but ‘did there bit’ as bravely as any other person in the war by replacing men on the land and then having what appears to have been a jolly good time at the end of a hard and long working day.

If you are interested to discover more just click here it will take you to the BBC website dedicated to the second series of ‘Land Girls’ BBC Land Girls Season 2 or if you are over ‘there’ currently loving the french check out this site for PBS KPBS Land Girls Season 2.

Normally I would ask “what is it with the Americans and the french?” here but I know that not all Americans think that the nation that help cause the two biggest wars ever and then surrendered all too quickly and waited for the English and then the Americans who were fashionably late in both wars to get rid of the hun, but as this is about my translator’s lovely daughter I don’t think I will!

And now for the pictures they are both of Jo the first one is of her on her own and that will help you identify her in the second – I hope!

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Ok so that is enough about the translator’s business here to balance things is a bit about the most wonderful Cat in the world. Err that would be me!

Oh while I think of it – January is a slow month in the retail sector and so if you would like to help out your local bookstore or indeed Amazon.com do buy my book because you won’t only be helping them out you will be ensuring that I have one or two little home comforts and that surely will make you feel all warm inside won’t it?

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Clever UK Police Strike Again

Have you ever considered just how evil Guinea Pigs really are?

The ‘clever’ UK Police, who are always using hi-tech cameras and surveillance looking for an ‘easy collar’ so that they don’t have to do any hard work like ‘detecting’ crime, know that Guinea Pigs are not only evil but are more than capable of out witting them.

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These days being an effective ‘copper’ or ‘cop’ (English Slang for a Policeman meaning someone who ‘grabs’ something as in teenagers “cop a feel” on a date!) is not easy – oh yes there are all sorts of gadgets and goodies at one’s disposal but unfortunately as in real life if you want results you actually have to work for them, something that the UK Police are just not very good at. But then if you get a $10,000 bonus just for turning up to work where is the incentive to actually get your hands dirty and of course if you are a more senior officer then the bonus for just being at work is far greater.

So the UK Police use all manner of hi-tech goodies to do their work for them and often to embarrassing effect because in spite of the UK being the most ‘monitored’ country on the planet with more CCTV cameras per head of the population than any other country, criminals and in this case Guinea Pigs can still out-smart an honest work shy Copper.

How do criminals and Guinea Pigs do this? Simple criminals have learned not to look up into surveillance cameras and some Guinea Pigs are actually sometimes innocent no matter what the evidence might say.

The ‘evidence’ in this case was from an infra-red camera on board a Police Helicopter which costs between $4 and $8,000 per hour to keep in the air and the Police in general have far too many of them and fast patrol cars both of which have have dubious benefits for crime fighting but contribute to a lazy culture dependent upon gadgets rather than ‘police work.’

‘Mr Plod’ – as the UK Police are often referred to because of the ‘plodding’ nature of their work or their IQ levels I am not sure – was flying in an horrendously expensive helicopter over a house in Bradford, West Yorkshire, England when they picked up a hotspot on the roof of a garage and assumed it was a drug den!

Picture of a ‘drug den’ below.

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Yes thinking that a suburban garage was a drug den is probably a great leap of imagination, but I suppose when it is late at night and you are bored silly pootling around in a helicopter above a city and most of the curtains at bedroom windows are closed there is little else to do but to play ‘I spy a drug den’ is there?

After getting a search warrant to search Simon the Guinea Pig’s garage the boys in blue were the ones with the red faces because although Simon may well be growing acres of Cannabis in his tiny garage as the ‘clever’ police suspected the glow in the dark garage that the police helicopter picked up was simply caused by a heater that Simon’s human used to keep her Guinea Pig warm.

Probably the UK Police don’t know that Guinea Pigs and indeed most small animals get cold at night when the temperature ducks below freezing like some sort of lunatic limbo dancer and need to be warmed to stop them freezing and upsetting the kids in the morning.

A Police spokesperson said after the failed raid. “The majority of operations of this nature are intelligence-based and often rely upon swift action.” Although the Police spokesperson failed to say who supplyied the ‘intelligence’ because it obviously doesn’t come from the Police!

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Bandit The Cat Saves Family From Fire

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While Bandit’s family slept the brave 15 year old Cat from Lincolnshire in the UK, braved flames to raise the alarm that the kitchen was on fire and possibly saved his family’s lives.

Bandit braved the flames to raised the alarm by scratching his human’s face, Marie his human who then woke up her partner David and his two daughters and then with with Bandit, four other Cats, four kittens and two dogs as well as hamsters, gerbils and rabbits managed to get to safety outside as the blaze raged.

The Fire Brigade were called and promptly and efficiently as usual bravely brought the blaze under control.

Later when they learned of Bandit’s bravery they said “If the Cat hadn’t woke you up, the occupants of the house would have died from toxic fumes and smoke.”

Happily that is not the case and thanks to Bandit all of the 20 occupants of the house escaped unharmed.

As you can see from the picture Bandit is a shy cat who really doesn’t like having his picture taken and frankly was wondering what all the fuss was about, all he wanted to do was to get down on the floor and check for Prawns – the usual reward for clever Cat’s.

Animal lover Marie proudly said that “Bandit is a very intelligent Cat although I didn’t expect him to do something like that, which I am amazed by. He can actually talk. He can say things like ‘hello’ but people don’t believe me he can talk.”

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Sadly the family didn’t have insurance and will have problems renovating the rented property they live in and replacing the ruined appliances in the kitchen which was badly damaged by the fire.

Happily for them and for Bandit after the brave men and women of the Lincolnshire Fire and Rescue put out the fire and they then installed smoke detectors which means that Bandit will have some help if something happens like this again.


About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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The Cat Takes A Close Look At Road Signs

I can imagine the conversation between the dazed drive and the traffic cop after the (hopefully) small accident that this sign created all on its own!

Traffic Cop stands looking on bemused.

Driver pointing to undamaged yellow sign: “Turning left seemed right somehow officer!”

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Ok so the next sign is not technically a road sign however before cars most highways were trails – yes I know that is a sort of tenuous introduction but I really like the Californian honesty behind this sign and so we couldn’t leave it out could we?

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Censorship

Yesterday I was highlighting just how awfully politically correct and authoritarian the UK government is with a very small example of the madness of not allowing someone to put posters up asking if anyone has seen his Cat.

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Today I see that in the US there is the same sort of politically correct nonsense going on and worse this form of political correctness seems to be firstly generated by a commercial company and secondly against one of the 19th/20th century literary geniuses and his books Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn which of course was one of the first anti-racist novels and some would say the greatest.

In the ‘new’ editions of both Adventures of Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn which contain the offensive racial epithets “injun” and “nigger” have had the words replaced with “Indian” and “slave” respectively.

Now I have to say that the words replaced are by today’s standards probably not very nice words, and here obviously I would like to apologise to all the rap artists, hip hoppers and other generally black musicians, actors and comedians who refer to themselves and each other loudly and regularly as ‘nigger’ but spelt with an ‘a’ I believe, who should stop using the word and cut it out of any recordings, live acts and the like forthwith!

Personally I think that the people who carried out this censorship have the same political views as all of the famous fascists and communists regimes of the past rolled into one – they should be ashamed of themselves for tampering and ruining a great piece of art.

All of which makes me wonder what will happen to my books in 100 years time? Which words will some little Hitler want removed from my masterpieces of feline literature, or will my book and so many more see the hot end of a bonfire before that time? Sadly when you look at the way things are going I have a feeling they will, but then I will be in illustrious company and happily not around to have to endure the world these idiots are creating.

No wonder in his Notebook in 1894 Mark Twain wrote; “If man could be crossed with the Cat it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the Cat.”


About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

The Cat & Kindle.png

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Wookie Is Missing

It is really a terrible thing to find out that your favourite, lovable best friend has gone missing, but to then discover that by displaying posters your favourite, lovable best friend on trees and lampposts if you live in the town of Bedford, England you are breaking the law and could end up with a $1750 fine is really taking the proverbial biscuit and probably the biscuit tin as well!

A gentleman called Mike Harding has recently discovered by putting up a series of A4-sized posters of his favourite, lovable best friend called Wookie, who has been missing since late November he is breaking the law and could end up with a $1750 fine.

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In fact the local Bedford borough council has in no uncertain terms warned Mike of the offence he has committed – one of ‘flyposting’ and told him that must remove the posters within 48 hours or face the fine.

It is just this sort of petty mindedness that illustrates the character armour of local government! Sadly as far as I can tell poor Wookie is still missing and has been since late November, of course he poor human who must have torn all of his hair out by now wasn’t exactly helped by the local council was he.

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Washington – A Sign

Just a quick sign today because i am off to the middle of Europe, have fun!

They do say that you see ‘signs’ that foretell the future in the oddest of places but who would have thought that you would see this one at a junction in Washington D.C.

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I’ll leave my wonderful cuddly readers to offer an interpretation! This clever Cat can’t wait to hear what they make of this oddest of signs.

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Shocking!

Thanks to the very brave ‘Cat Squad’ we have captured for the first time evidence of an ornamental Goldfish’s plan to trick curious Cats into ‘investigating’ a fish bowl and thereby luring them to a fate worse than the vet.

It is believed that this amazing picture was taken seconds before a goldfish named ‘Charlie’ swallowed poor ‘Gerry the Tabby Cat’ whole.

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‘Gerry the Tabby Cat’ is not the first brave Cat to go ‘missing’ at 36 Willington Avenue, Langton Green, Tunbridge Wells, Kent sadly, before ‘Gerry the Tabby Cat,’ ‘Simon the Persian,’ ‘Lady the Abyssinian’ and ‘Lance the American Bobtail’ have vanished without trace, except in the case of ‘Simon the Persian’ who’s damp leatherette collar was discovered in a fingertip search, by the local Constabulary, under the table days after his disappearance.

Now, thanks to a full investigation by members of my ‘Cat Squad’ (in this case, Ginger, Fluffy and occasionally Dave the Cat) and the local Constabulary it seems that the culprit responsible for these disappearances has been identified and to prove the culprits guilt my brave lads in the ‘Cat Squad’ managed to take what the local Constabulary has described as profound photographic evidence.

A spokesperson for the local Constabulary said that later today ‘Bubbles’ a stocky Goldfish of The Goldfish Bowl, 36 Willington Avenue, Langton Green, Tunbridge Wells, Kent will be taken into custody and questioned about the disappearance of ‘Gerry the Tabby Cat’ and several other offences against felines and their property.

All of which makes this a proud day for the ‘Cat Squad’ and of course the British Police who have had a lot of bad press recently and really should be given more credit for booking motorists, supporting the Donut industry and driving at high speed late at night with their sirens blazing for little or no reason. After all it isn’t their fault that criminals are getting cleverer these days and never seem to greet them with those tried and tested words, “it’s a fair cop governor, you got me banged to rights alright, I’ll come quietly,” all of which means that the number of serious crimes solved is the lowest since policing began.

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So It’s True!

So the rumours are true they are only letting Penguins and Puffins out! Why I ask you? What have the rest of us done that is so wrong that we have been made to stay inside?

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And what is it with Penguins why do they get special treatment? Just look at how Penguins are treated in Norway! Surely this prompts the question why isn’t this happening to me? I think I have achieved more in the last year than a flock of penguins don’t you.

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Just ask yourself ‘how many Penguins have written a bestselling unputdownable masterpiece book (available here Amazon.com of course) or have a fabulous blog?’ None of course – that settles it, I’m off to Norway to complain.

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