Monthly Archives: February 2011

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New To My Blog

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If you are new to my blog then you won’t know that I have added yet another feature to enable even more people to enjoy my thoughts, jokes, observations and ‘outings’ of idiots and ‘hopefully’ be entertained at the same time.

What is new to my blog is this rather handy feature called ‘Google Translate’ which rather badly translates my wonderful words into a language near you. And if you use that feature you’ll see that I have made it easier for people who don’t use English as their first language like err… me of course then you can read my wonderful blog in any language you choose – the Cat translation is non-existent I see!

Did you see what I did there? Something very clever and used the phrase ‘new to my blog’ in two very different ways, pure genius!

The Cats Google Tanslate

Limitations

‘Limitations’ is such a sad word but unfortunately we all have limitations and my limitation at the moment is that (hopefully for the moment) you can only translate my wonderful words of genius here at my blog on my own www.wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com and not at WordPress which is sad, so if you want to go straight to my blog and start translating now, here is the direct link – www.blog.thecatsdiary.com, if not then that is ok too.

So just to recap, for those hard of understanding, if you don’t read my blog here www.blog.thecatsdiary.com then you won’t be able to use the ‘amazing’ well you have to say that, although ‘rather good’ might be more accurate translation service from those gooey people who seem to own the internet.

In addition if can read this message then frankly I wouldn’t bother going to my blog here www.blog.thecatsdiary.com because you obviously don’t need the translation service, but if you read my blog and it doesn’t make sense (only because your first language is not English and not for any other reason) then do translate away here www.blog.thecatsdiary.com.

I would be delighted to hear what you think of my wonderful blog in your very own language if you for example call a Cat a ‘Neko’ and don’t use English all the time!

PS

As it is the last day of February I wondered if you could help me. I need about 50 of my loyal fans to buy my book at Amazon.com so that it breaks yet another record for books sold at Amazon.com this February.

Of course if you have already bought a copy of my wonderful book and one for all of your friends then it is time to start bullying people you hardly know to get a copy of my wonderful book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary” and do it now!

The Cat & Kindle

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Stop Press – Or Is That – We Interrupt This Broadcast!

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You can now see some short movies with Oscar winning potential on my www.wickedly wonderful website my new Video page you can use the pretty blue link or click the video screen capture to watch it in all of its wonderfulness.

The Cat's Video Library

One marvellous movie stars my very good friend Jimmy the Black Cat and the other exquisite movie, which I would say has Oscar winning potential written all over it – or would have if my web boffins had let me have ‘my’ own way – shows my screen double Lupin (odd name, I know but he is German Cat) gate-crashing a German TV weather forecast. Some may call this ‘adding value’ to German TV of course!

As usual do let me know what you think of my blog and also this time if you think that my movie direction has Oscar winning potential, because I would like to add that qualification that to ‘movie star quality’ on my CV. I hope that I will be on more screens soon, but I have already said too much!

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One Man’s Dog. Is Another’s Outlaw!

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In the ‘good old’ days of the brilliant but balding Chairman Mao the rules were simple people were allowed one child, a ‘brilliant’ little edict that caused unimaginable harm to come to so many female babies, and keeping a Dog was banned because it was considered a ‘bourgeois decadence.’

But now as Chairman Mao spins like a top, without a topknot, in his grave keeping a pet Dog is seen as trendy, so trendy that there are nearly a three quarters of a million Dogs kept as pets, and happily their owners never think of them as lunch, in the city of Shanghai alone – but then hasn’t Shanghai always been a bit of the decadent bourgeois side hasn’t it?

In fact the number of people in Shanghai indulging themselves in what was until so very recently a bourgeois decadence is so great that the city authorities have decided that the time has come to do what all governments from Shanghai to Sidcup do and that is introduce legislation to ‘control’ the number of Dogs kept by Shanghians especially as horror of horrors only 140,000 of the Dog owners have licensed their Dogs with the police.

The new law means that if you don’t currently have a license for your Dog then you may as well have it for lunch because you aren’t going to be able to apply for one, but oddly enough if you already have two licensed Dogs you can keep them for companionship purposes rather than culinary.

In a rather odd statement the Shanghai police declared that “they are expecting they will have to adopt many of the Dogs once they are declared outlaws.”

Let’s hope that the multitudes of Shanghai’s outlaw Dogs don’t lead the police astray and start robbing trains, drinking moonshine liquor and having gun fights at corrals with two letter names – ‘OK!’

Dogs in Shanghai

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Odd Newspaper Sales Offer

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I’m still a bit busy trying to achieve something rather special and of course finish my next work of genius my Travelogue – the good news is that I am in Las Vegas at the moment, who that is good news for I don’t quite know but it must be good news for someone surely!

So with being busy etc., I feel I am neglecting my lovely cuddly blog readers who don’t get the longest blog at the minute, but they do get little jokettes and interesting pictures of course and if they are really feeling disgruntled could go to my www.wickedly wonderful website for more in-depth reading or of course buy my book here Amazon.com if they haven’t already tee hee.

So today’s blog – I do read the English newspaper called the Guardian which is rather famous for being ‘liberal’ and mis-spellings – the mis-spelling label is unfair because there are just as many poor examples of spelling everywhere these days especially in other newspapers.

Sorry the point and I separated for a moment but we are back together again now happily, veering off the point is just something I do as my dedicated readers will know full well – it is a talent of mine and of course part of my charm as a writer… oops the point mmh!

I saw this odd advert in the Guardian the other day and thought silly sods they can’t add up and that was it, but as the advert has appeared everyday now for a long while I thought I would share their silliness with you as they are so proud of it.

3 for 2

Note to the art department buy one get one free in my language means two umbrellas!

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Going To The Loo – Should Worry You!

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In Chengdu China they have special toilets for men – worrying! You wouldn’t want to use one of those would you?

Chinese special toilet

But if you have one of these breakfasts then you would ‘have’ to go wouldn’t you – life is a bitch isn’t it?

Intestinal breakfast

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Thinking About My Friends & Readers In New Zealand!

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I would just like to say that I am thinking about all of my friends and readers in New Zealand today and hope that more people are safe than first thought and that anyone trapped is rescued quickly.

NZ Earthquake

I see as of Tuesday 08.11 GMT the British government have done absolutely nothing and the Queen of England hasn’t offered any words of comfort to her New Zealand subjects, I wonder why?

Let’s hope that Australia is not the only nation to come to poor New Zealand’s aid hint hint.

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It’s Snowing – How Dare It?

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The weather had grown warmer and more Spring-like and obviously lulled this contented Cat into a false sense of Springtime security. I was just limbering up to take in the vista of swathes of Snowdrops sparkling in grass that is greener and recovering from being coated in tons of snow and what happens?

Snowdrops

I’ll tell you what happens Mother Nature decides to be a right bitch and dump a load on our heads – thank goodness that load is ‘snowy’ that’s all I can say about it!

So the Mac Mini is ‘back’ after its little trip to the repairers and so far its working which is nice although I don’t know why I am saying it’s ‘nice’ that it is working because it is only doing exactly what I bought it to do! Isn’t it terrible that we have to be thankful that a computer that is a few months old is ‘still’ working? Bloody malmanufacturing Chinese and Apple have a lot to answer for.

Did you see my new way of describing anything made by the Chinese? The word is ‘malmanufactured’ and ‘malmanufacturing’ are the ‘ways’ of the ‘malmanufacturers’ or Chinese people with half a brain, little clue and a screwdriver in their hand.

Did you also see that people (not only me) are beginning to get annoyed with Apple for not ensuring that they properly oversee the manufacture of their products by the ham-fisted little brutes across the sea.

I read the other day that an Apple executive had visited the Apple factory in China to make sure that they installed nets to catch all of the jumpers who are tired of working for little pay in dire conditions. What he did made me think! Whilst I tend to agree with what the Apple executive wanted to achieve, I wonder whether they should’ve held off on the nets, until the standard of manufacture improved don’t you think so too?

Workers at Fox Conn

Judging by the picture of some of the workers at the dreadful factory which makes not only Apple Computers (badly) but also ruins all sort of electronic stuff, maybe the standard of manufacture is due to the long hours, terrible pay, very poor working conditions and goodness knows what else, we know that the jumping off the roof of the factory is.

The poor lady (in the picture) looks as though she wants to be at home on the farm, or making her children’s breakfast, or indeed crocheting but definitely not being held captive making something that means absolutely nothing to her and knowing that every one of the items she makes creates greater wealth for just a few of her fellow countrymen and of course Chinese politicians – do you get the feeling that in a few years what is happening now in the middle east will happen in such a bigger way in China – I do!

I feel so embarrassed buying goods made in China you know! It’s terrible to support the growth of a country and culture where they have no regard for human life or the standard of their manufacturing! I do wish that Apple could make their computers in the US or the UK and charge just a little more for them or better still take a little less profit.

The problem is that if Apple did that then the third world conditions of those two countries would improve, and the people employed on the production lines would be so happy to have a job that they would try to ensure that the product that they were making was of the highest quality!

Oh dear I see one problem here unfortunately – all of the components would still be made in China so they would still break – talk about a being held to ransom! What were the captains of industry thinking about when they moved all the jobs to China? Oh yes profit and not consumers of course.

Changing the subject and talking of a product that you can be proud of my writing of my next book is sailing along now which is nice.

Not only that I hope this week to be able to announce some ‘developments’ regarding my latest masterpiece of a book “Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary.” But all I will say at this moment is that you should get your copy from either Amazon.com or my www.Wickedly Wonderful Website www.thecatsdiary.com now!

The Cat & Kindle

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Hero Dog Saves the Day!

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Last year a brave 8 year old German Shepherd Police Dog called Zak took a large chunk out of the bottomly bits of petty thief John Davies. Mr Davies said that he was “innocently trying to escape after Zak and his handler spotted the him trying to steal a bronze statue from a park.”

Zak The Police Dog.jpg

The statue worth £3,000 was saved and the thief’s rear wounded, which was just all in a days work for Zak, who only bites burglars and thieves happily.

Normally, in the Prime Minister daft Dave Chameleon’s Britain, if something like this happens and a thief or burglar gets hurt plying his ‘trade’ he or she can sue the Police or the property owner for the injury.

As an example of this nonsense believe it or not this week Police asked residents in Britain to remove metal mesh from the windows of their sheds after a spate of robberies because “burglars might hurt themselves while breaking in.”

Next householders expect to be asked to remove the glass from window panes for the same reason because we all know how sharp glass is after you have smashed it with a brick to gain illegal entry – don’t we?

But this time during Mr. Davies’ trial this week, for some really odd and almost inexplicable reason the sore bottomed thief wasn’t allowed the privilege of using the corrupt legal system to obtain damages from Zak and his owners because on hearing just how the criminal was caught Judge Julian Lambert said in court yesterday: “Good! I hope it hurt. Well done Zak!”

Yes well done Zak! He did what my dog Ben and any other right thinking Dog would do and of course what people in Britain should do (but tend not to because of fear of retribution from not only the burglars but also the legal system), no not bite thieves’ bums but help to maintain the law like.

Since all of the excitement Zak has retired and if he is anything like his human Police colleagues he will be receiving an enormous pension, still Zak is one pensioner who deserves his pension and a peaceful retirement. His handler still looks after him and said. “Zak’s now living a quieter life with me in Cheltenham and is perfect with children and families.”

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Coke Online – It’s Better Bottled

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I heard the other day that some fool had posted the ‘secret’ – well not anymore – recipe for Coca Cola online after it was ‘discovered’ by a radio show and I thought to myself “so what!” I won’t bother to mention the show or the website because that would just draw attention to these somewhat deranged people and that is exactly what they want of course).

It’s difficult for me to describe just how unimpressed I am by the actions of this idiot, what does the nincompoop think we are going to do – use the recipe to make our own coke?

This Cat hates to mention to these stupid people and anyone daft enough to believe what they claim is true and I’m not going to grace their story by repeating it, because surely everyone knows that the recipe for Coke and just about everything that was developed in the late 19th Century will have been modified so that the commodity embraces ‘modern’ tastes.

And of course as if to prove my point I am sure I don’t have to draw your attention to the word ‘new’ in picture below, but maybe for the “hard of understanding” as I like to call really stupid people it might be worth mentioning that in order to get ‘new’ Coke the people who make the fizzy black stuff would have changed the recipe – as Homer Simpson says “DOH!”

Can of Coke.jpg

Ok I will say this about Coke! It’s over priced and I have never understood why a litre of the stuff (that is a small amount to you guys in the states and such a small bottle probably doesn’t exist – only joking) costs as much as a bumper, jumbo sized 2 litre bottle but that’s no reason for spilling the beans is it? If you don’t like the cost of something you don’t buy it.

So every recipe has change except, that is, except the wonderfully original Worcestershire Sauce which was developed by the mother of Audrey Lawson-Johnston who was the last living survivor of the sinking of the ocean liner RMS Lusitania in 1915. Audrey’s family survived the sinking and shortly after getting back to England her Mum came up with the saucy idea of this oddly tasty sauce adored by a lot of people everywhere and of course some Cats (mentioning no names but expecting at least a case of the delicious stuff as a reward for product placement of course).

Worcestershire Sauce.jpg

Now not many people know the story of Worcestershire Sauce (or care probably har ha) but honestly for those of you who are easily excited what I have just said was not a secret.

By the way, who like me, thinks that the name of the English county ‘Worcestershire’ is a bit odd? It’s the most dreadful looking name and frankly looks almost as bad as ‘Gloucestershire’ doesn’t it? I blame the French invaders of 1066 for all of these silly names and I think I am right the name ‘Gloucestershire’ it was first used in the 1Oth Century which is the 1100’s isn’t it – me and my maths – I just wonder because the use of the word Gloucestershire was blamed on the Anglo Saxons and not the French in the text book I read!

RMS Lusitania.jpg

Don’t you think since Wikileaks – which is a most unfortunate name isn’t it, and easily confused with so much else – we are all just a little too obsessed with secrecy? I suggest we relax and have a nice cup of tea and if you want a secret about tea it is that tea bags contain the worst tea of the entire crop, the broken dusty bits! There I bet you didn’t know that! But I bet your Mum’s and Grandma’s do, what a shame you never listen to them, instead listening to a lot of attention seeking sneaky fools on the radio and internet, because if you had you would drink more tea!

I was looking for an illustration for Wikileaks but when I typed “nerd pissing in the wind” in – some say – good old Google.com I didn’t get any results – odd that?

But good news! To make it up to you I thought you might like this picture of a Dog doing its ‘business!’

Pug Pee.jpg

Pug’s are weird aren’t they?” Have you ever wondered why old ladies like them? I think we know why now – ‘hidden talents’ that’s all I’m saying!

By the way, and just quickly!

I would like to offer a great big thanks to everyone who made the February sales of my book a record for Amazon.com and it is only about half past February, my readers are so very special and so much nicer than the average reader! Thanks and I mean that, if we can do the same in March that would of course be marvellous so please start bullying your friends now if they aren’t close enough friends for you to want to buy them the book yourself!

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Killer Bees!

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“The Warm Prompt…in order to avoid has the danger Thanaks your coordination”

The above nonsense comes from Taiwan which is odd, no not Taiwan, but the fact that I was talking about them yesterday and praising the people who come from Taiwan, (oh what do you call them – ah yes Chinese tee hee) and look what they go and do to a simple KEEP OUT sign!

The Warm prompt.jpg

You know I couldn’t have put that better myself, dangerous Honey Bees are a danger that has to be avoided, sadly though it is the other way around, mankind is killing the Honey Bees with pollution and you better stop soon because even though Einstein was wrong when he said that “If the bee disappears from the surface of the earth, man would have no more than four years to live. No more bees, no more pollination … no more men!” he was almost right.

Mr Mad hair.jpg

Oh the reason why Mr Mad Hair was wrong was that most cereal crops such as Rice, Wheat and Corn that humans live on are actually pollinated by the wind and not Bees the planet would be an even worse place than it is now without Bees, no Honey, Fruits and so much more, though happily still Prawns.

I worry about a time when the fighting between humans breaks out about food who will fish for Prawns, I don’t think I can go without Prawns!

Anyway I have been wondering “A warm prompt” – what is one of those? You understand I don’t want one I just want to know if that is ok and while we are on the subject what other nonsense did Albert talk well here is a prime piece of rubbish straight from the scientists mouth try this flash of brilliance. “Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour,” which proves we aren’t all perfect are we?

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