Lionel the talented (some say, and some say showoff) ‘swimming Cat’ has prematurely called off his attempt to become the first Cat to swim the English Channel after just beginning his first training session in the Summerfields pool and café Hastings Sussex.

In a specially arranged training session, squeezed in between the under 10’s Cygnet Club’s and the over 60’s water aerobics, Lionel – the talented swimming Cat – had his first taste of a body of water bigger than his water dish and realised that he should apply his “enormous” talents to elsewhere.

It is not known as yet whether Lionel will be keeping his byline – ‘the talented swimming Cat’ although it does sound likely.

If any organisation needs a special envoy or ambassador who has a marvellous opinion of himself that totally outstrips his abilities then do contact Lionel through this blog or directly to The Cat and we will pass on your details.

Obviously we have already been contacted by the ridiculous duke of York’s ’employer’ the UKTrade and Investment (UKTI) about an unpaid ambassador’s position. While being unpaid the expenses are pretty good and equate to around 4 million UK pounds a year, with obvious benefits such as first class travel, top quality hotels and the rest.

When contacted a senior government spin doctor said that “the only qualifications you have to have are to be arrogant, have a delusional belief in your own abilities and intelligence, a great sense of humour and know what’s best for British companies even if they don’t know. And of course if you have a German family background that wouldn’t hurt,” but quickly added that Lionel should “get in quick” because the PM, DC has been changing his mind a lot recently and the opening might close soon – “who knows.” He sighed.

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