Kate Masks© – the latest craze to sweep the planet

I don’t know if you saw the cover of Hello magazine this week? (If you didn’t I have added it below). I did, on a book stand in Berlin and I was rather surprised to see the person walking a rather nice Black Spaniel was wearing a Kate Mask©.

At first I thought that the good people of Hello magazine had been using photoshop but on closer inspection I don’t think they did, still I compensated for that below tee hee.

The reason why I thought Hello magazine had been a photoshoping was firstly the rather odd fixed stare of the over sized face under the hat and on the cover and secondly because Kate Masks© are in very short supply as this is a Jubilee year and no one in their right mind wants to wear a queen mask©.

Kate Mask

As you can see in the next snap I am so pleased that I was able to get hold of a few very rare Kate Masks© and join in the latest craze becoming a look-a-like for princess Cindy or is her name ‘The Duchess’ I forget!

My Kate Mask

If you don’t want to be left out of the most amazing craze since Planking then do drop me a line I have a few Kate Masks© reserved for my closest friends and if you are prepared to outbid them then a Kate Mask© will be posted to you immediately after your cheque, credit card or money order has cleared.

Qatar Mask 2

Honestly though I urge you to act fast because already I have has several UK cabinet ministers, some US senators and indeed a very close aid to the royal families of both Saudi Arabia and Qatar contacting me enquiring about availability of Kate Masks©.

Well this is a very special year for the British royal family of course, the queen will have been living in a life of luxury at the taxpayers expense and taking protracted exotic holidays for what seems like forever so this year the nation and indeed the rest of the world want to congratulate her on getting away with it for so long and what better way to do that than with a finely crafted (so long as you cut it out neatly) Kate Mask©?

Just a thought from a caring Cat!

What a shame that being married to a royal and having to exist in ‘that’ family has turned the good looking young woman (below) into the one above! Do you think she needs counselling? You have to ask yourself what is she going to look like after a couple of kids, having to deal with all the nannies and servants will be tiring and if her husband turns out to be the same sort of git as her father in law then she is going to be worn to a frazzle or less.

Another Kate Middleton

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Ich bin kein Berliner

Before you say I am misquoting Mr Kennedy the title is right, Ich bin kein Berliner or “I am not a Berliner,” because I am simply not fond enough of Berlin to say that I am. I have to also say that neither am I a sort of doughnut either and between you and I, I think that you would have to be quite mad to say that you are either of them! But unfortunately I had to be in Berlin again this week.

So this is the second time in two years that I have washed up on the wide open plazas of Berlin, which were landscaped by the RAF and invading Allied forces, and I have to say that the modern replacements to the old buildings that stood before the “don’t mention the war” are really not very nice.

Of course you will remember what happened the last time I was in Berlin if you have read my amazingly successful second masterpiece of feline literature ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ available from all good book shops and even some really rather dodgy ones too and of course here at Amazon – just click here Amazon.co.uk for the UK and here Amazon.com for the US and if you haven’t read it you can change that terrible social faux pas and we will say nothing more about it.


Don’t get me wrong there are some nice places in Berlin, but this time I was down by the river and surrounded by the new awful government buildings of the new unified Germany – the river (and symbolic east/west spanning) Bundestag for example.

These are brutal new structures are actually so terrifying that the Germans have to add to the ruin of the environment by leaving all of the lights on in them at night, just so that Berliners and casual but easily frightened visitors (me for e.g.) don’t leave the city in a mass panicky exodus. Frankly even by day it’s all just awful, large ugly buildings in acres upon acres of space on a scale that is just plain ‘Dallas!’

The area around the Berlin Hauptbahnhof (or Berlin Central Station) has been hacked to bits so that new and probably unwanted modern concrete buildings can be built by the dozen and thousands of Mercedes taxis can ply their trade on wide roads which means that the the lovely old Trams from the east side have been dumped in the name of progress which is a terrible environmental mistake.

Berlin Hauptbahnhof

I would say more but I’m in a hurry to get out of the path of some enormous, tough looking, loud Germans who are crashing down the Straße they are obviously looking for trouble and a Cat writing detrimental things about their new capital might just tip them over the edge, what a shame there aren’t any men amongst them to calm them down a little. Yes German women frighten me almost as much as the new buildings here!

All I can say is I can’t wait to get back to sleepy, safe Prague, I am lucky to live in a pretty fab place.

PS and nothing whatsoever to do with the above article or the price of Prawns, it has just occurred to me that the world hasn’t heard from that arch tax dodger and humanitarian big mouth Bono recently – hasn’t it been nice and quiet!

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Just an observation!

The other day I was doing what ex-pats do and reading the UK press or that bit of it that escapes online, and I have to admit I was doing it using superfast (and cheap I might add) broadband, but then I live in a very modern dynamic country unlike the country I was reading about I am afraid.

Two articles caught my eye; one about the speed of broadband in the UK or the bit I am interested in – England – and the other was a piece about the ‘happiest’ place to live in the UK.

Imagine my surprise when one of the ‘happiest’ places in England turned out to be one of the very same places with very poor broadband speeds!

I started to wonder if the two were related in anyway and here is what crossed my little furry mind. First surely none of the inhabitants of this happy place are able to experience Sky or Virgin and their internet services which would not only keep their household costs down to a minimum but also mean that they are happy not to be lining the pockets of those two smiling oily oligarchs Branson and Murdoch or indeed be subjected to their respective company’s ‘service,’ a word I use comedically here!

The second reason is a little more obvious and that’s that if you don’t have a very fast internet connection you don’t spend much time online and that must be nice, having just enough speed to look at my www.wickedlywonderfulwebsite, www.thecatsdiary.com or to buy my wonderful book online at Amazon.co.uk, you can even use this link Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary and don’t forget if you don’t want the paperback you can get an ebook (almost in your case) immediately, the same applies to my other masterpiece of feline literature The Cat’s Travelogue or even an ebook that is almost a popular as mine; my translator’s pretty Tram book Tram No 6 is The Naughtiest of Trams (The Trams of Prague) aren’t you lucky?

So I hear you ask what poor city is blessed with being the happiest city in the UK and unfortunate enough to have really dreadful broadband speeds – well that would be Carlisle!

There may be one very important reason why Carlisle is so happy it’s just on the right side of the border with Scotland tee hee!

I was going to add an aerial view of Carlisle to brighten up my blog a bit, but unfortunately Carlisle from the air looks really awful and so I had to be content with a snap of Carlisle Cathedral, but even that looks as though it has taken affront at something doesn’t it.
Carlisle Cathedral in snow

To my way of looking at the world Carlisle Cathedral looks as though it’s not the most friendly or indeed happy place on the planet but I have to stress looks can be deceiving, on the other paw there is Lincoln where the Cathedral does reflect the unfriendly character of some of the people I encountered there 12 or so years ago and yes you know who you are so I won’t mention your names.

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What were they thinking when they named this town?

When you are out for a stroll in the countryside, breathing in the scent of meadows, admiring mountain streams and sniffing the flowers or gateposts if you are a Dog you don’t expect to be confronted by some chaps attempt to impress the neighbours do you so if you want to avoid this rather odd though sadly not unique way of naming a town don’t go to Turkey, where obviously the men are MEN and Turkeys aren’t on the menu at Thanksgiving or Christmas.

What Were They Thinking When They Named This Town

Mind you if you want to meet the ‘twin of the goddess of luck’ then you will h’have’ to go to Bigadiç because that is where they reside – well they actually lived in “Didi-Moti-He” but oddly enough over the ages the name “Didi-Moti-He” has become Bigadiç – men!

Unfortunately there is nothing more that can be said about Bigadiç which is probably just as well – oh apart from the fact that I went there while researching my second masterpiece of feline literature ‘The Cat’s Travelogue.’ The place was so bland that it didn’t get into the Cat’s Diary let alone the hallowed pages of my Travelogue.

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Dreadful recipes from around the world pt 1 – in a can

The label says it all! I’m afraid.

Palestinian Cooking Isn t Up To Much

About the Author – The Author of the Cat Diary

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

Here are just a few things that you shouldn’t leave the house without – well if you have an Apple iPad you probably don’t need an Amazon Kindle Fire thingy but I am sure that you see what and mean and never, ever leave home without taking a copy of one of my wonderful books will you? Happily they come in both paper and electronic form.

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Holiday Souvenirs from Sri Lanka

The really great thing about going on holiday, apart from getting a lot of sun, sand, sea and something else beginning with ‘s,’ is that you experience new lands and cultures and if you are lucky broaden your mind. Sadly there are some places in the world where the last part of the first sentence don’t apply as you may know now if you are one of the first million readers of my latest masterpiece if feline literature ‘The Cat’s Travelogue,’ dear cuddly readers I give you an interesting take on souvenirs the first is from that beautiful war torn, hate ridden,tropical paradise which has been ruined by its inhabitants over the last 25 or so years – Sri Lanka.

Hygiene In Sri Lanka

If course if you are thinking of going to Sri Lanka here (below) is the sort of picture you can expect from the brochures and the tourism authority, frankly I like their picture better than the one above, but then the truth is almost always not pretty as it appears in the brochure.

Sri Lanka Beach

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What Have Sheep Got Against Trees?

The English countryside is a wonderful scenic place crammed full of open skies that kiss the horizon, fields, hedgerows, wildlife, odd villages with odder villagers inhabiting them (I may have mentioned the ale-swillers Fred, Ned and Ted before so I won’t now) all of which makes the English countryside somewhere that you either adore or loathe.

Here is a perfect example of why people from the towns have a problem with people from the countryside – they are often a little odd, as this sign demonstrates perfectly.

What Have Sheep Got Against Trees

If you loathe the English countryside you are probably a townie and there is nothing wrong with being one of those unless it would seem you are personally involved in planning the route of the second High Speed train which I understand is called HS2, because you old chap must really hate the countryside and should never have been giving the power to destroy such large chunks of it.

Which brings me to this sign one created especially for the head of planning for the HS2 and of course Davis Cameron the Prime Minister of the towns of England it must be difficult for them to understand that people don’t like their little idea in the countryside!

Bad HS2

So why is the sign above hard for townies, and the other fools mentioned, to understand well it’s simple really! They probably want to get from one dirty, smelly overcrowded dump to another as fast as possible, oh I’m sorry I mean from Birmingham to London or indeed the other way around and in doing so they need to carve up a very large and rather wide chunk of what I think we will call “the next two pictures.”

The first picture below, is of a bit of reasonably unspoilt English countryside that hasn’t been touched since the royal family and after them parliament thought of something called the ‘inclosures act’ or ‘enclosures act’ would be a bit of a wheeze and keep the hoi polloi of their land.


The second picture is of the same countryside (well nearly) after it has been turned into a high speed railway line no wonder the country folk in England believe that the townies don’t like them and their countryside!


One last little bit of stirring oops sorry I mean information that David Cameron and the rest of the tarmac brigade might like to bear in mind is the definition of ‘Hoi polloi’ today it might mean the rabble, the dregs etc., but in accent Greece where the word comes from it means ‘the many’ or rather deliciously the ‘majority’ now that surely is something that any politician worth his salt might like to bear in mind – even maybe David Cameron!

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Jesus for sale or lease – how much would you pay?

It’s one of those questions isn’t it, not unlike the question which asks if Schrödinger’s Cat is alive or dead in his box. Before I go on I would just like to ask if Mr Schrödinger’s fed the Moggy in the Box because if he didn’t then I am afraid I know the answer to that particular question!

Cat in A Box

So is Jesus going to come out of his box and make a lot of people happy and probably get an even bigger following than Elvis this time around? Well the answer to that question is on the roof of the shack in the picture below.

Selling Jesus

So hallelujah brothers and sisters Jesus is alive and well and and in a true religious manner available for lease and I bet if the price is right he could be bought lock, stock and bible!

Now sadly I couldn’t think of a really great graph to go here and as I have said once before graphs are good for blogs, they make them look authoritative and let’s face it this Cat needs all of the help he can get in the authoritative department. But happily I did find a pie chart and as if by some divine coincidence it does have a passing reference to religion and I understand Jesus apart from being a christian name in Spain and pronounced ‘Haysus,’ it is also presumably a christian name on the West Bank, Palestine (where Jesus was born) so here it is, now call me a lightweight if you dare!


Continuing on in a non-lightweight vein for a moment, when I was researching this blog – alright having a quick click through the internet – I found this interesting little site which casts doubt that the birthplace of Jesus (Bethlehem) existed when he was supposed to be born there! Shock horror!

To quote the blasphemers – oops sorry archaeologists – they say that Jesus’ birthplace just didn’t exist at the time of his birth, well they say this actually and I think it is the same.

“While Luke and Matthew describe Bethlehem in Judea as the birthplace of Jesus, “Menorah,” the vast database of the Israel Antiquities Authority (IAA), describes Bethlehem as an “ancient site” with Iron Age material and the fourth-century Church of the Nativity and associated Byzantine and medieval buildings. But there is a complete absence of information for antiquities from the Herodian period – that is, from the time around the birth of Jesus.”

So if you are now a very annoyed christian and want to do what the Muslims would do in this situation, find a few effigies of the authors to burn, threaten them with Jihad, or generally just get a little pissed off that someone somewhere dares to not believe the fairytales – oops sorry gospels that you believe in you can toddle along to the Archaeological Institute of America website and read more before you ‘explode’ though not literally please.

If you can’t wait to find the article that says that someone has told a big ‘porkie pie’ (lie) about the birthplace of Jesus then here is the link that you should go to straight away Where was Jesus Born?

Mind you, you may have to take what the Israel Antiquities Authority says with a pinch of salt because as far as I know to jews Jesus wasn’t who he said he was or some such nonsense, all of which goes to prove that the only religion which is the right, true and just religion is the one that you currently believe in!

So I now think that it’s time to introduce you to a new and fast growing religion, which will cost you less to join than the Mormon, Catholic and even the Muslim religion especially as our radical wing does’t call for you to make a mess of a suburb near you if you see what I mean!

Catism is “the new way” and you can sign up today with no initial payment and a wonderfully flexible low cost payment plan, which can be tailored to your individual requirements, so what are you waiting for brothers and sisters join today because “we have a long road to travel and I’ve seen the promised land. I may not get there with you, because my legs are a bit short and I tend to lag behind when out walking with humans and actually I have already been to the mountaintop.”

About the Author – The Author of the Cat Diary

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Happy Valentine’s Day from The Cat

I think that this card says it all!

The Cat s Valentine s Day Greeting Card Vector

But then just because something says it all that should stop someone, in the case me, saying something should it? So I need to say to all of my wonderfully cuddly readers HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY. Thank you so much of all of the gifts, cards, cash and Prawns (one tip there for the future could you ensure that the Prawns stay frozen on the journey here?).

My wonderful cuddly readers are so special to me as you all know and if I could I would rub noses with all of you, thank you so much for buying ‘Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ I wouldn’t sold any without you all.

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Is your Cat an addict?

Now you can make your Cat so happy that he won’t even know he’s a Cat. That’s right Cat Smack is the happiest snack in a sack.

Is Your Cat An Addict

Do you think that the little chap on the bag looks worried? He might be although if you look at his pupils I would say that before this picture was taken he was half way through a bag of the stuff what a shame that he doesn’t know that taking this sort of rubbish will ruin his life and destroy his career someone show him an article on Whitney Houston and do it quickly!

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