Do you have backside troubles? Help is at hand!

This sign offers good news for anyone with backside troubles, I think. But first I wonder if any of my dear cuddly readers can tell me what are backside troubles and why a Beijing hotel bathroom would offer to repair them.

Bum Job

Is this I wonder, part of the “Two Fly Rule” that has been introduced by the new super power government concerned about the standard of public toilets in Beijing?

What is the “Two Fly Rule” I hear you ask with a sense of disinterest bordering on desperation? Well those clever chaps at the very very top of the government in China have decided that all public toilets in Beijing must not have more than two flies buzzing around per cubicle, and oddly enough the “Two Fly Rule” is just part of a rather bizarre new directive issued to washroom attendants and any others with an interest in public restrooms.

In addition to the “Two Fly Rule” other new measures aimed at improving public toilets in the Chinese capital include limiting the amount of rubbish that can be discarded on the toilet floor, though no one was prepared to say what sort of rubbish and how much was allowed under the new “Two Fly Rule.” There were other measures it is just that this Cat got bored reading them so gave up trying writing about them especially when the “Two Fly Rule” is strange enough on its own!

The man with the job of enforcing the initiative is called Xie Guomin and recently when asked by journalists about the “Two Fly Rule,” he said that it and all of the other measures to improve Beijing toilets weren’t actually compulsory, but were simply a new benchmark designed to improve the Chinese capital’s notoriously disgusting and unpleasant public restrooms, something this Cat commented on in his masterpiece of feline literature ‘The Cat’s Travelogue.’

Sadly those comments were removed from my wonderful unputdownable book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue.’ due in the main to a large payment of hush money paid into a Swiss bank account courtesy of the Chinese government. But as the incredibly corrupt official in charge of overseeing my silence has been removed from power and his equally corrupt buddies are trying to make other more serious ‘activities’ of theirs disappear from public record, I at least consider my agreement with them to be largely null and void and I can start to tell my cuddly readers all about the dreadful place that is called China at long last.

Sorry about that I got side tracked, where was I? Oh yes! Xie Guomin the party official in charge of toilets and more importantly the well thought out “Two Fly Rule” was reported saying. “We will not actually count fly numbers. The regulation is specific and quantified, but the inspection methodology will be flexible.” What on earth does that mean – it sounds like David Cameron talking doesn’t it?

Roughly translated what Xie Guomin said is ‘party speak’ for “we will do nothing at all to improve any public toilets and we have no idea why those bastard imperialists made such a fuss our our cosy, rubbish strewn, fly infest bogs when they were here during the 2008 Olympics, and if anyone asks why it has taken the government so long to get around to doing nothing about our filthy toilets they can go to hell! After all what is wrong with the public toilet in the picture below?”

Dirty public toilet China

Which just goes to show how far China has to go before it can really and truthfully think of itself as a superpower or indeed a civilised nation because a superpower and civilised nation would have a “No Fly Zone” wouldn’t it? Tee hee!

About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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