Something Germans do

So there I was minding my own business in the back of my translator’s hire car as we pootled through what used to be known as the Federal Nastiness of East Germany when a police blue light started flashing behind us and we started to invent reasons why we had driven through so many traffic lights what were blank and appeared not to be working.

(For your information when I asked why all of the traffic lights were out the polizei said that the reason the traffic lights weren’t working was that after 7.00pm on a Sunday evening the whole town’s traffic lights get switched off! No I couldn’t believe it either.)

So my translator indicated to turn right and pulled into a rather grubby housing estate that was obviously built for the proles back in the old days – you can tell these prole villas easily the concrete looks as though it could blow away in the wind at any time.

He got out of the car into a sea of small mosquitoes which managed to not only bite the two polizei and himself constantly for the 30 minutes he was out of the car but in the instant he opened the door of the hire car had sneaked in and continued to bite us all at their leisure for the rest of our journey home.

When you get stopped by the police or indeed polizei it’s always a good idea to ask why they have stopped you because as we all know in most civilised countries they can’t just stop you because they don’t like the look of the occupants of the car or the colour of the paint work.

So as documents were exchanged and truths checked my translator asked that all important question, for the first time as it transpired, and the answer, which was soon to be ‘modified,’ was interesting.

First they said that they stopped the car because a lot cars of this model and type were stolen! I asked if that was the case whether the germans crossed the border into the Czech republic to steal Czech registered cars, because the hire car I was driving was a Czech one and so that seemed a reasonable question, it wasn’t sadly and neither was the answer, the answer was drivel and even more fiction than the first excuse. One of the policemen said “that it can happen” I asked how often and the polizei man didn’t seem to know!

Polizei Van

My translator is a nice person and instead of telling the german policemen that he was an idiot he asked if they had finished, but they hadn’t. After the disappointment of not capturing the leader of a german car stealing ring who preyed only on Czech cars they turned their attention to the contents of the car, and in this case I really mean passengers!

The translator’s wife is Korean and that was obviously something that cheered the other of the two valiant german policemen because after swatting a few more mosquitoes he asked for her passport and trundled off to the van to do more checking.

The translator asked them what they need his wife’s passport for and they said, if you can believe it, that there was a lot of human trafficking in this part of german and they had to be sure that if I wasn’t a very clever and successful car thief then I wasn’t in the business of selling wives at worst or just helping illegals cross international borders.

The translator’s first question was of course who on earth would want to smuggle anyone in the germany? Which didn’t go down well because even though the two young german policemen were fluent English speakers they were still german and of course displayed their entire nations trait for not having even the tiniest spark of a sense of humour.

After being bitten by mosquitoes and subjected to the fantasies of the two german policemen we were eventually allowed to resume our journey.

On the way back to the Czech republic there are a number of long straight, but narrow, roads where german drivers drive at reckless speeds. One such mindless kraut, in a big Mercedes, had discovered just how dangerous speed can be and had hit a very large deer and ended up blocking the entire road.

While the other german drivers organised traffic and put out dozens of cute little red triangles around the accident I thought that it was a shame that the bored policemen weren’t there to direct the traffic though of course you couldn’t fault the organisation of all present (except the driver of the Czech hire car who had had quite enough of germans for the day thank you), but I expect that they were busy looking for clever car thieves or human traffickers.

This didn’t happen in the village sign posted below but for some reason I think that the germans pass a lot of hot air and wind especially the police and it is probably radar controlled so it seemed appropriate to include the picture in this blog.

Something Germans do

About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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