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Bing’s Confusion Or Is It Mine? Either Way I Don’t Need A Nanny!

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Do we live in a nannist world? I think so because everything we do seems to be monitored, filtered and checked to ensure that we don’t hurt ourselves physically or mentally by doing things like err living.

That is daft isn’t it? We, both humans and animals are living our lives in a big and dangerous place, it is called the world, which is full of all sorts of dreadful stuff that is just waiting to bite you and worse in Iran if you are a married woman and have a bit of a slap and tickle with a man who isn’t your husband you are liable to get stoned to death! But then happily the rest of the world isn’t as looney as the chaps in long dresses in Tehran, no wonder Iranian women wear clothing that only shows their eyes, it is obviously for protection because Iranian and indeed Arab men are some of the randiest bunch of perverts in the world and will leap on anything unless it is clearly marked ‘untouchable’ as in a poor woman wearing a full body cover, though even that doesn’t very well and worse I’ve heard even the goats in Iran are asking to wear the ḥijāb these days for protection!

But is the civilised world ‘that’ dangerous? Or are we both humans and Cats being saved from ourselves before we have actually put ourselves in harms way? I have to say that this clever Cat thinks so.

Why? I hear you ask, well the answer is simple. As you probably know I loathe www.Google.com and that means that for all of my search requirements, spying, snooping and or news gathering I use www.Bing.com.

Frankly Bing isn’t much better than www.Google.com but at least by using Bing I stop www.Google.com snooping and spying on me by not using their services and I heartily suggest and recommend that you do the same and do it fast.

Anyway www.Bing.com is as good or as bad at what it does as Google usually, but I have noticed one or two annoying things about www.Bing.com and to date this is the most annoying thing…

Just like the search engine Microsoft copied when they wrote Bing’s software Google you can’t personalise your copy and so if you have an inclination or indeed a requirement to change the default search options you can only do that for one session and then they default back to what Microsoft – opps sorry we are supposed to call Bing ‘Bing’ because Microsoft is so unpopular – wants you to use for your own good of course!

So what does that mean exactly? Well I wanted some pictures of a lovely place in England in the county of Devon, the place is called “Saunton Sands” and as the name suggests Saunton is on the coast and has a few miles of sand.

So I typed in Saunton Sands and got this message from good old Bing and no pictures at all.

“The search for Saunton Sands devon may contain explicit adult content and has been filtered” etc…. etc… as you can see from the picture of the daft screen message. Well I know I spelt devon with a lowercase ‘d’ but what is offensive about any or all of the words that I used in the search? Beats the f**king, c**p out of any of the logical reasons I can think of.

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So I had to turn the filter off and risk explicit adult pictures of “Saunton Sands devon” and here is the result, obviously don’t look if you are of a delicate disposition or if sand, sun and sea have a debilitating effect on you or indeed arouse you in anyway what so ever.

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Where are the naked ladies and other pervert’s pleasures? The only thing that is naked is the wonderful sands at Saunton, although because it is in England it will be covered in litter I expect.

Sometimes I despair of this world and all of the idiots in it, except of course for my lovely fans and readers I love them all you are the intelligent ones, mainly because you like my Best Selling Book of course.

Oh don’t forget to bully someone you know into ordering my book here Amazon.com.

Guess what I have a very few first edition copies that are signed which you can order from my very own website here www.thecatsdiary.com.

These wonderful pristine copies of my best seller are a little more expensive than the ones at Amazon.com because of the cost of postage from the sweltering Czech republic sorry about that! But on the other hand these babies are worth a small fortune I noticed the other day at a specialist bookshop, but from my website they cost a tenth of the price so get someone else’s credit card now and burn some plastic.

Oh by the way, did you know that it was today, the 16th of July in 1918 that the Tzar and all of the royal family were ‘dealt’ with by the Russians?

Now I am not suggesting that the way they were dealt with was ‘good’ in any way, but I hope that the British royal family take a minute or two today to realise what happens when you rob the people all of the time and continually ask for more money because your palaces are falling down.

Oh and maybe they could send the Russian Royal Family’s jewellery back to Russia. The British royal family bought a lot of the more glittery baubles on the quiet after the Tzar and his family had no further use for them not many people know that – if you are wondering what it is like to be in a dead Tzarina’s Tiara – well simple just ask the British queen!

Here is a nice picture of the ‘poor’ British queen wearing The Russian Kokoshnik Tiara which was bought after the messy business of July 16th 1918.

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Nothing Stranger Than The Truth

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In the north of England, or to be more precise, Yorkshire, where men are men, women are women and neither wallets nor purses are opened with any pleasure there is a saying and it sort of goes like this.

“There’s nowt stranger than the truth” which means that there is nothing stranger than the truth which I imagine is true, but then the people of Yorkshire also say “Owt for nowt” as in “ye don’t git owt for nowt! which let’s face it, even to English, English speakers, is a saying that is a bit of a puzzle, let alone to the ears of the late adopters of the English language, like say Australians and Americans!

What this all means is that the world is an odd place and the things that go on in it are odd, as I am sure you will agree are the people who inhabit this odd world, which I think leads me nicely to what has happened to me recently.

As you know I have been complaining about the increasingly large amounts of junk emails that I have been getting which offer a range of things, none of which I personally either want or need. Well recently I have received a lot of emails from what according to the ‘cc’ email addresses was a ring of men.

The emails were chatty and on the surface innocent, but of course because I had no idea what they were about or who the people were that were sending them I was at a loss to explain why these seemingly harmless emails were being sent to me, so I sort of ignored them.

However ignoring the emails didn’t work and they piled up, can you imagine what it is like for a good looking cat, best selling author and all round star like me? The amount of emails and post I get is cumbersome to say the least and worse I like to reply to all of the mail if I can, especially the post with presents or cash in it and of course the wonderful letters praising my best selling book Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary which continues to sell well on Amazon.com it would be ungrateful not to do that wouldn’t it and completely unlike me I like the cash, presents and praise.

So as ignoring these harmless emails didn’t seem to be working and the men writing them seemed to think that they knew me I decided to write to one of the gentlemen and ask why he was writing to me, what he and the others in the ring wanted and so on and so forth.

The chap replied that we/they were in a Bible study group that met every Saturday lunchtime (I have a feeling in a bar, but then that is just me) and that the only problem I had was that I simply didn’t know all of the guys in the group. Now that was quite worrying, I wondered if this chap had been enjoying just a little too much of the ‘rapture’ recently if you know what I mean.

I replied several times that I didn’t know him or indeed anyone in the group and as for the Bible, I couldn’t even lift it, let alone study it! To which some of the group replied that they would see me on Saturday and others sent their apologise that they wouldn’t be coming on Saturday and hoped to seem me on the following one.

Now I know that religion blinds people to the truth, but this is taking that to the extreme isn’t it? You humans are odd you know and that is why there is a saying in Yorkshire that “there’s nowt stranger than the folk!” I suppose.

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We’re A Bit Worried Here!

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It’s Ginger! Well it would be wouldn’t it, he seems to have slipped away during the party, not it is ok not that sort of slipped away like when people talk about you after you have frozen in the path of an oncoming car for too long, not he popped out with some friends.

I have uploaded the most recent picture of Ginger I could find in a hurry it is from his failed or as he put it “yet to be refined” walking on air experiment.

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Actually one or two of the slack mouths around here said that Ginger and his friends had gone off somewhere to enjoy an eight of Catnip but I don’t think that can be right he hates the stuff, well since the overdose that is!

I have every faith, including probably a lot of misplaced faith, that he will turn up somewhere, he always does, unless he is angry for some reason then he can sulk for ages but don’t worry his butt is worse then his bite, if you know what I mean and I think I do!

The trouble is that it is still snowing here and has been since before Christmas and it is cold enough to really annoy any brass monkey, so if Ginger is outside he could be completely Cap’n Scott by now couldn’t he? If you know what I mean!

It was something of an anniversary for the good Cap’n Scott and the lads recently, I believe it was one or two hundred years since they decided to see if you could get to the South Pole just wearing a string vest, knitted mittens and a smile.

Sadly some Norwegians had beaten him to the South Pole in a Volvo and left what they thought was a funny note “We beat you here” it said, obviously Norwegians are better at Polar exploring than telling jokes.

But the good news for Cap’n Scott and his chums was that when news of their deaths reached Britain they all instantly became heroes. It is the British way to make heroes out of failures and legends out of disasters, hence Gordon of Khartoum who faced millions of really annoyed ‘fuzziwuzzies’ as people, such as the good people of Khartoum, were called back in ‘Chinese Gordon’s’ time (that was his nickname, no I don’t know why either).

It is understood that General Gordon who instantly became “Gordon of Khartoum” died because of an unfortunate clerical misprint and a dreadful diplomatic error!

It is believed that the thousands of people who gathered outside General Gordon’s offices waving spears and wearing frowns were actually complaining about their gas bills and had simply gone to the wrong address – the one at the top of their gas bills.

Chinese Gordon, annoyed at the noise outside went out to meet the rabble with a loaded pistol which he emptied into the crowd.

Not long after General Gordon’s death the gas company quietly changed the address on the gas bills and the British government instructed all British residents living in foreign countries not to answer their doors with a loaded pistol.

Needless to say in true Dunkirk spirit General Gordon was brought home and buried with full honours, his actions were rewritten and a painting was produced to ‘assist’ the new ‘facts’ and another British legend was born.

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Of course it isn’t only personal disasters that the British celebrate, bless them, by rewriting history and creating heroes, just read about British military history and you’ll learn all about The Charge of the Light Brigade, Dunkirk, Operation Market Garden and many more glorious military escapes, and of course the idiots involved and in charge of those farces were all promoted!

To tell the truth – and of course Cats can be relied on to do just that, which is at times a bit of a chink in our character armour as far as I am concerned – this good looking Cat has a bit of a soft spot for poor old Cap’n Scott because he was obviously a bit of a character as I am sure were his pals, if you want to read an extract from his ‘alternative’ diary there is a little snippet in my wonderful best selling book “Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary” which is available at all really great bookstores and of course Amazon.com.

There are quite a few snippets of diary of famous British failures who of course are national heroes in the UK, well I had run out of things to write and so I thought, now what would Livingstone say here and the rest is a best seller.

By the way Ginger has just turned up, he wasn’t outside at all, apparently he had another of his little ‘episodes,’ he said that he slipped into the airing cupboard and got entangled in a pair or probably two pairs of ladies (I presume) tights!

I wonder about Ginger sometimes, he has been wrapped up in nylons for three days and didn’t try to very hard to escape, that is odd isn’t it, it isn’t just me, is it?

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The Cat Thanks Everyone

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salad prawns.jpg

This good looking Cat would like to thank everyone who came to the ‘Bring A Prawn Dance!’ last Saturday/Sunday and for some hardened party goers Monday too!

All in all we had a wonderful time in general and as you can see from the picture it got just a little wild.

Actually I do wish that I had used a picture on the invitations because some people and I won’t mention any names here brought err, how can I put this – oh yes – complete idiots, instead of Prawns.

Apparently a ‘Prawn’ in the human language can also mean a person who is not only not quite the ticket and has bought a bus ticket when they should have got one for a train, what can I say?

Well I suppose I could say that we had a right royal time with the idiots, but I won’t because a lot of people have accused me recently of being a bit of a royal basher and those who know me will agree that isn’t true, give me a choice between a Prawn and a royal and I will always eat the Prawn!

Actually I heard from a ‘reliable’ source that a well known royal had bought my best selling book and loved it, apparently it props the drawing room door open perfectly!

I wonder if they bought it here at Amazon.com that would have been nice.

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Typos, Best Selling Authors and Mary Queen of Scots

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Execution of MQS.jpg

As a world famous writer and good looking Cat, have you read my latest masterpiece – ‘Getting Out Excerpts From A Cat’s Diary’ you can get a sneak peek here www.thecatsdiary.com or better still (for me) you can buy it here Amazon.com by just copying and pasting the title of my award winning book in their search thingy.

All of which means that as you can probably imagine that as an author I have had a lot practice inserting odd and frankly erratic letters into words and I wondered if anyone else did that sort of thing as often as I seem to do!

To check this I decided to pay particular attention when reading the books of other authors, who are nearly as famous as me, and not drift off as I usually do! Guess what I found that lots of modern authors have loads of words in their books that have – how can we put this – er ‘challenging’ spellings.

I read with a smile in one of Jeremy Clarkson’s books yes that is the Jeremy Clarkson from Top Gear Top Gear.com and the Sunday Times The Times.co.uk no less, that someone was ‘whinning’ when he was talking about coming first and indeed there weren’t at all displeased when they won!

What is so dreadful about these typos is that his books are a bit of a rip off and this is because they consist of articles first published in the UK’s Sunday Times.

Then they are used as Fish and Chip wrappers before being collected up and bundled into a book or 12, which means that at least one sub-editor has missed the mistyping of Mr. Clarkson and if the publishers were interested in quality (yes, I managed to type that with a straight face) they would surely have had someone proof the copy before it was turned into a paperback book wouldn’t they? Which means that two proof readers missed the typos etc.

The use of typos to confuse readers is not a new trend though old Charlie Dickens was as adept as I am with changing the order of the letters in words – I prefer the think that us geniuses do that rather than suggest that we just don’t know how to spell things.

And this is to say nothing of Will Shakespeare yet! But then it was as you may know was a common practice in merry old England (or is that ‘merrie olde’ England) in Elizabethan times or is that tymes, to do that sort of thing a lot.

Based on this I have come to the conclusion that the Elizabethans were just very bad typists, well there can’t be any other reason for the dreadful spelling in the paragraph below.

The paragraph of gibberish is taken from an account of the trial and execution of Mary Queen of Scots written by Henry Grey, Earl of Kent, one of the principal Commissioners at the Queen’s trial and execution:-

‘… then laye shee downe verye quietlye stretchinge out her bodye, & layinge her necke over the blocke, cryed, In manus tuas domine, &c. One of the  executioners held downe her hande[s], the other did w[i]th 2 strokes of an axe cut of her head, w[hi]che (falling of her attire) appeared verye graye & near powled [bald] … the blooddye cloathes, the blocke, & what soever els bluddye was burned, in the chimneye fyer

Just for your convenience and sanity I have translated some of the weirder words that for some reason have fallen into disuse like “powled.” But still it is nonsense even I can type better than that, and I am a Cat!

Actually I have to apologise about the image for some reason I couldn’t find a photograph of the execution of Mary Queen of Scots which was a bit of a shame or indeed a photograph of her at all, which just goes to show how good the Elizabethans were when they set about erasing someone from history.

In addition I would like to make one observation on the painting of the execution of Mary Queen of Scots, she was a bit dim wasn’t she? After all even this Cat knows that you have to face the floor when kneeling over the execution block so that the man with the chopper has a fair chance!

Silly Queen!

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