Tag Archives: California

A sign of confusion

Can any Californians care to explain this sign, because they should be able to, after al they have lived with it for a few years.

Ok so I know that diving into water with rocks sticking out is not something that most people would do unless they are a little bit insane or tipsy, but if someone has jumped and below them there is water (and rocks of course) then they won’t be able to follow the instructions of 50% of this sign will they?

Any Californians care to explain this sign

Isn’t it enough just to say “No diving/jumping into the ocean” here? I think so don’t you! Not only that if we go back to the lower portion and weather irrelevant part of the sign, they say nothing about ‘diving’ into the ocean as they do in the first part, so is that allowed? Can you land in the ocean if you simply dive in? And does that countermand the first portion of the sign?

You humans are as confused as your signs aren’t you!

About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

I would like to tell you all about something new and rather nice that you can get from the Apple iBooks store at last, yes it’s my wonderful first book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ so what are you waiting for you lovely Apple users?

Only In California!

I like California it is a sunny interesting place full of interesting people and they have psychics of course!

Only In California

About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

I would like to tell you all about something new and rather nice that you can get from the Apple iBooks store at last, yes it’s my wonderful first book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ so what are you waiting for you lovely Apple users?

Octopus etiquette from California

Octopus etiquette from California why do they need to be told

Just two questions here!

Why do humans want to flash an Octopus? And why do they need to be told not to in the first place?

About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

I would like to tell you all about something new and rather nice that you can get from the Apple iBooks store at last, yes it’s my wonderful first book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ so what are you waiting for you lovely Apple users?

Thin excuses are being used to kill Feral Cats

Authorities in Orange County, California have developed a plan to trap Feral Cats at two Santa Ana elementary schools, traps will be set at Frances E. Willard Intermediate School and El Sol Science and Arts Academy in the belief that trapping Feral cats might – wait for it stop the spread of Typhus.

Cat Running

It might sound odd to most reasonable people, but the authorities have stated that they believe that Feral Cats might be carrying fleas infected with Typhus and that those fleas might spread the disease to humans. I hope you caught the word ‘MIGHT’ there, it appeared quite often didn’t it!

Sadly after being caught the Feral Cats won’t be tested for Typhus or indeed any of the fleas that they may have oh no they will simply be will be sedated and then euthanised.

The reason why all of the Feral Cats in the area will be killed is simple last month, one person living in the area contracted Typhus and that person might have been in contact with a Feral Cat who might have had fleas, and the fleas might have be carrying a Typhus virus – so many ‘mights’ again. And yes you read that right just one person contracted Typhus, there isn’t a plague!

Apparently the person who contracted Typhus was hospitalised but has since made a complete recovery. Which all seems a pretty thin reason to exterminate all of the wildlife in the area don’t you think dear cuddly readers?

Cat in a Cage

The same happened at JFK Airport a few years ago although the Feral Cats there weren’t accused of an possible public health violations they were just living at the airport, minding their own business but The Port Authority of New York who manages the 5,000 acre facility decided that hundreds if not thousands of Feral Cats that lived on their property were best dealt with by exterminating them.

The reason this time because no one had been clever enough to think up the public health wheeze was air and passenger safety. The Port Authority claimed that “the wild Cats were a danger to aircraft and passengers,” if you can believe that and so they trapped them, and then killed them.

Most owners of large plots of land discover Feral Cats living on the bits that they don’t use, to be perfectly true it’s probably untrue that the wild Cats would pose much of a threat to humans or their machinery as humans seem to pose to them and that is because Feral Cats tend to stay away from humans and have no idea how to fly aeroplanes or operate other machinery airport related or not!

These land owners will of course throw up their hands in despair and say that Feral Cats are un-adoptable, this is not true. What is true is that it would cost a lot more to tame, feed and then find homes for the Feral Cats and would cost too much, so killing them is the best way because it is cheap.

Cat behind planks

Well I have news for all land owners (and I am not the only one) Feral Cats can be ‘tamed’ and can make great house Cats. Cats aren’t stupid they respond to love, care, attention and most of all food. It’s true that humans can’t get a Cat to do what they want them do, when they want them to do whatever it is. That not because Cats are wild it is because they aren’t stupid!

Below is a photograph of a very good friend of mine who was a Feral Cat for most of his life who was ‘lucky’ enough to get knocked down in London and while most humans just stared at his body lying in the road my translator stopped to actually help the stricken animal, he ignored the call from one old scrote to “kill the stray and put it out of its misery”. Instead he carefully picked the crumpled Cat up and took him to a Vet.

Six months later after fixing, breaking and re-fixing a broken leg ‘Bumper’ came to live with John Woodcock in the English countryside where he used to sit in the sun, sniff plants, lie out stretched on John’s desk while John was working and generally and make the most of his retirement.

Bumper was the gentlest, calmest, nicest Cat anyone could share a house with and never once fought with any of the other Cats who he lived with let alone attacked any humans who came to visit and never once gave anyone or anything an infectious disease.

The only naughty thing he ever did (and he never got tired of his little joke) was when lying full out on John’s desk he would occasionally without getting up knock a pen or rubber of the desk and look up at John just to make sure he was not being ignored and when you said ‘Oh Bumper look at what you have done” He would grin and go back to sleep safe and sound which is exactly what he deserved.

Poor Bumper died of cancer, probably from all of the pollution in London, one of the most polluted cities in the world, caused of course by humans!

Bumper


About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Fish Parking – Cat Heaven

Every so often you find a place on this pretty little planet that surely is a tiny part of heaven.

For me being a Cat anywhere that allows a high concentration of fish in a small place and out of water too is heaven. As you can see from this sign California has a little bit of heaven in it.

Fish parking

Please don’t judge me if I don’t actually tell you where in California my bit of heaven is, it isn’t that I am being selfish, it’s just that I want to keep all of the fish to myself!

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The Cat Takes A Close Look At Road Signs

I can imagine the conversation between the dazed drive and the traffic cop after the (hopefully) small accident that this sign created all on its own!

Traffic Cop stands looking on bemused.

Driver pointing to undamaged yellow sign: “Turning left seemed right somehow officer!”

Turning Left Seemed Right Somehow.jpg

Ok so the next sign is not technically a road sign however before cars most highways were trails – yes I know that is a sort of tenuous introduction but I really like the Californian honesty behind this sign and so we couldn’t leave it out could we?

Californian Honesty.jpg

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I Don’t Know What To Say!

Very occasionally I am lost for words! Yes really I mean it, I think it is because I write so many words so often that sometimes they just slip away unnoticed and disappear and then I am flummoxed and don’t know what to say, although it occurs to me if a Cat, no matter how clever, who is currently lost for words can come up with the word ‘flummoxed’ then there is no hope for mankind who’s children seem to be leaving school these days in their teens with reading and writing ages of children half their age – but then as usual I digress.

Back here at the point for a moment – I am occasionally I am lost for words! When I find that I can’t think of anything to type either for my amazingly wonderful blog or my latest blockbusting book (which is a Travelogue and yes there is still time for you to pay to have your country ‘removed’ from my incredible book that some say is the most truthful account of what a travel might experience in any of a number of countries) I do a bit of casual ‘web surfing’ – if they call it that these days – to see if I can find an idiot or two to expose, or indeed something note or news worthy that my lovely cuddly readers may have missed along their way – obviously the titbit of information has to be animal related and preferably Cat related.

Today I was surfing the web to do exactly that and guess what I found – no you would never guess in a million years it is so stupidly ridiculous.

I found a website which offers information, tips, hints and so forth on magic – ok so far that doesn’t constitute ‘stupidly ridiculous’ I agree but I think you will see what I mean by “stupidly ridiculous” when you start to read the BLACK CAT HAIR page. Especially when you discover that you can buy – how can I put this – ‘a sample’ I suppose is the best way to describe what the seller calls the – ‘Lucky Mojo Black Cat Hair Curio Pack’ he or she offers for sale.

Black Cat Hair.jpg

Now to this casual and extremely untrained connoisseur of Cat hair or ‘fur’ as we like to call it, although obviously witches differ, the ‘sample’ looks more like humans pubes – if I can say that on a website that attracts children – but then as I stated above they probably can’t read or understand what I am on about so I think I will be able to say ‘pubes’ don’t you?

Still does it matter if the bag contains pubes (hopefully human) to be honest! It’s bad enough if the product being offered for sale is real “Cat hair” (please call it fur) because if there is any demand there must be hundreds of bald moggies shivering across the west coast of America, the home of the producer of ‘Lucky Mojo Black Cat Hair Curio Pack’, but believe me the outrage of this item goes much further than either relieving hundreds of black Cats of their fur or snipping of clumps of black pubic hair and bagging it for sale, oh yes it definitely does.

The charlatan who previously probably sold a ‘patent cure’ from the back of a covered wagon says about the amazing product that black Cat hair has the following amazing properties –

  • Black Cat hair is lucky for Gamblers

  • Black Cat hair is used in a bottle spell to make a couple break up. (I suppose that the couple in question aren’t gamblers and what is a ‘bottle spell’ when it is at home?)

  • Black Cat hair can (only because it is associated with black Cats as far as I can ascertain) grant Invisibility or the Return of a Lost Lover. (Which is the opposite oddly enough. But that isn’t important, what is important is the reason why I say that black Cat hair must, in this case, be useful because it is associated with black Cats and that association enables the magic spell. Why is that well as every practitioner of magic knows it’s the magic or lucky bone that a black Cat is suppose to have that does that ‘trick.’ However it isn’t really lucky for a black Cat to possess such a prized bone because the only way to get at it, and presumably the luck it contains, is to get to the bone after boiling the black Cat alive!

The website does say “Obviously this spell is cruel and we do not endorse it. For folks in search of invisibility after a fashion, we offer Law Keep Away.” This Cat wonders what are the ingredients of ‘Law Keep Away?’ You’ll notice that they don’t say that this spell is gross, cruel, distasteful, daft and most importantly of all like all other spells from any religion, craft just doesn’t work!

I bet you are dying to know how to use the black Cat hair that you are just about to purchase to make you so much luckier a gambler than you currently are aren’t you – well for those with very good glasses the directions and some of the above are printed on the very unappealing label of the evidence bag style packaging that your black Cat hair comes in. But for those slightly less well endowed optically I have transcribed it below. Mind you I bet if you dig around in this unsavoury website you will probably find a potion that will sort out your eyesight once and for all.

So here is what you must do to become rich beyond your wildest dreams – do nothing – the black Cat hair it would seem does it all – whatever that is. Unfortunately there aren’t any clear instructions for use of this magic black Cat hair.

But if you want to cause lovers to Quarrel and Separate and in that order I suppose – although personally I have discovered in the normal world when you quarrel and separate you then do a lot more quarreling after the separation, all you do is this – mix the black Cat hair with Black Dog Hair, 9 Coffin Nails, 9 Needles, and 9 Pins (not of the bowling variety I presume) simple!

The page of the website I was reading didn’t say if it sold black Dog hair and the coffin nails etc., but I expect they do don’t you?

Oddly enough after the enormous effort of accumulating all of the ingredients there is no ‘method’ no explanation as to what to do with what amounts to a pocketful of trash.

Or indeed thinking about it – they don’t say what you do once you have done what you are supposed to do with the ingredients if you follow me and frankly I think I got lost there somewhere, but I think you know what I mean! The people who wrote the label don’t say that you have to mix the ingredients together and then they follow that lack of instruction by not saying what you have to do when you have done what they haven’t told you what to do – my head hurts now does yours? Yes – let’s move on then.

I just imagine a lot very annoyed witches and I suppose an equal number of dissatisfied warlocks staring down at the crap they have in front of them and thinking – huh!

By the way do let me know if you give this a try – well let me rephrase that! Do tell me if you try this at home because then I know I can blacklist you and block your rabid emails because you obviously must be insane or desperate to try this and either way you have to be very dangerous har ha.


  • Of course I can add one or two more facts about black Cat hair and so I will:
    Take black Cat hair (or fur hrrumph) from a black Cat without asking nicely and you will probably lose one of your thumbs you humans are so proud of.

  • Black Cat hair should be called Black Cat fur.

  • Humans will buy any old rubbish if they are told it will bring them luck.

  • Humans think that they are highly evolved.

  • Humans are probably the most gullible species on the planet and the only one which believes in a God I might add – but maybe I shouldn’t.

  • Some humans think that Sarah Palin cares about them and is electable.

  • As a Cat I think that it is really odd that these sorts of potions and magic thingy’s never include bits of humans because humans don’t seem to have any qualms when they lop of bits of animals to create their magic, or is it that everyone knows that this sort of nonsense is just that and so it is better to use a bit of Cat, Toad or Newt because they tend not to sue the magicians?


As you can see for yourself the ‘product’ if you can grace it with that description has a ‘small print’ caveat – which the maker of the label couldn’t be bothered to actually make small or I suppose didn’t actually have the right spell to hand to do the job for them – or maybe he/she did and it didn’t work. So here it is using the same odd combination of capital letters as the author does across the whole of the website –

“We make no claim for BLACK CAT HAIR, and sell as a Curio only.”

You can tell that this was rubbish was collected for sale in California can’t you – it is probably the worst place in the world to sell such a thing because it is probably the only place on the planet where disgruntled witches or warlocks would actually sue the supplier because the rubbish they bought didn’t work and be taken as seriously as they took the seller in the first place.


For those ultra curious the black Cat hair – oh I do wish the idiots would call it fur – retails at a mere $3.00 however the book of spells that explain what to do with the dreadful stuff is $14.95 you’d have to be mad to buy that rubbish when you can buy my book at Amazon.com or my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com wouldn’t you!


PS
The Disney movie ‘Tron Legacy’ may well be dreadful if you listen to the critics but do, if you get the chance, take in the soundtrack by Daftpunk. It is really very good indeed.

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Only A Dog Could Be This Daft!

Just look what this dumb Dog did!

Rebel an eight month old German Shepherd Dog was heading for trouble when he decided to check out an interesting looking hole in the wall.

As you can see from the first picture ‘clever’ Rebel somehow managed to squeeze his head into a really small hole in the wall of his garden in Los Angeles, California, and then the curious bone headed bow-wow got his head well and truly stuck.

Dumb Dog.jpg

Unfortunately Rebel’s owner was out and it was only when a friend of the owner heard Rebel whining, whimpering and generally expressing a wish not to have his head sticking out of the wall that he found the pitiful pup, in what could be described as “a bit of a tight spot” he took pity on him and called the authorities.

County Animal Services officers arrived and decided the Dog was not in serious danger and obviously thought that the dim Doggie was making a song and a dance out of his predicament so they decided that if Rebel could get his head into the hole then he could jolly well get his head out of the same hole – with a bit of help of course.

Obviously the County Animal Services officers’ main concern was not to hurt Rebel, with officers on either side of the wall, they tucked in the silly pup’s ears and gently pulled him back and forth for about 30 minutes before they managed to free him.

Happily no one, either canine or human was hurt and as you can see from the next picture Rebel seems to have rather enjoyed the experience, proving that Dogs are really very dumb!

Happy Ending.jpg

Well I don’t know about ‘a rebel without a cause,’ this Cat would say the this was ‘a Rebel without a clue.’

Sadly I have a lot of experience with German Shepherd Dogs and I would caution anyone who believes that German Shepherd Dogs are ‘intelligent’ they really aren’t and the ones that appear to be are pretending I promise, as you will know if you have read any of my blogs, my book or indeed my www – wickedly wonderful website my German Shepherd Dog ‘Ben’ is how can I put this in the most flattering way possible err – ‘challenged.’

If you didn’t get my book for Christmas don’t worry there are plenty here Amazon.com or if you want you can order one from my website here www.thecatsdiary.com.

I hope that eventually everyone will have a copy of my book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and not only because that will make me ‘J-K-Rowling-Rich’ but also because unlike Harry Potter my books will make you laugh and therefore the world a brighter place.

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