Tag Archives: French

Uncategorized

French Christmas Carols Are Odd!

2 Comments

Not only are french Christmas carols odd they are of course rip off of English ones, for example the good old ‘The Twelve Days of Christmas’ or ‘Partridge in a Pear Tree’ becomes ‘La foi de la loi’ or ‘The faith of the law!’But the french have tried to disguise the fact that they have stolen the English Christmas Carol by adding a bizarreness to it and that achieve this by adding words about their favourite past time – eating.

12 Days of Christmas.jpg

So instead of a ‘The Twelve Days of Christmas’ we have ‘La foi de la loi’ or ‘The faith of the law’ which you will have cleverly noticed has noting to do with food – ah these frenchies are clever and there isn’t a Partridge or a Pear tree in sight.

Partridge.jpg

They sing this little song at Christmas in the west of France and as befits a song about food disguised as a song about the law, the french insists that the song is sung “avec solennite,” (with solemnity) this Cat thinks that that is probably not easy when you look at the words to the 11th verse!

So how do we know that the french stole the song when it has been so heavily disguised – well the tune is a dead give away and I suppose you are going to have to take this honest Cat’s word for that but I can also add that the sequence of the song is the same as in English because although the french do so much that is different from the normal world they haven’t yet managed to count differently to the rest of the world much to their annoyance.

So without further ado let’s strike up the band and sing ‘La foi de la loi,”avec solennite’ of course!

12 day of Christmas.jpg

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me a good stuffing without bones (it doesn’t quite have the ring of a ‘The Twelve Days of Christmas’/’Partridge in a Pear Tree’ does it?)

Now just add the rest below!

Two breasts of veal,

Three joints of beef,

Four pigs’ trotters,

Five legs of mutton,

Six partridges with cabbage,

Seven spitted rabbits,

Eight plates of salad,

Nine dishes for a chapter of canons,

Ten full casks,

Eleven beautiful full-breasted maidens (would the french know what to do with these?)

Twelve musketeers with their swords

I don’t know about you, but it just doesn’t do it for me! I miss the Lords a Leaping and the Five Gold Rings but then maybe i am old fashioned, still if you are very good and need a laugh let me know and I will tell you all about the very weird Scottish version of this great English Carol ‘strange’ is a word that doesn’t come close to describing it – yes the french and the scots have a lot in common.

Great News

Amazon.com have done what they described as an “emergency restock” so that then now have enough copies my best selling book, they like me are surprised and delighted by just how many people have shown the good taste to buy not only a copy of my masterpiece of a book for themselves but also to buy four or five spare copies to give to treasured friends and relations.

So don’t miss out on having my wonderful book delivered well before the noel day order it now.Yes drop everything – what did you think I meant!

Get your copy or better still copies here Amazon.com and of course you can always get a copy of my perfect book from my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com where you can also enjoy a lot of other stuff free online games, jokes, and so much more.

Technorati Tags:
, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Uncategorized

Don’t Order No. 28 On The Menu

Leave a comment

Here is a little treat for all of my lovely readers the photograph below was taken in a small restaurant in Nice, France.

What can I say? We all know that the French think that they are the best cooks in the world after they stole all of the Italian recipes in Provence but “Grilled Paving Stone” – no thanks I think that the Cat will pass on that thanks so what ever you do don’t order number 28 on this menu!

By the way have you noticed the number system on the menu, do you think that the number represent some sort of indication of how dangerous each dish is? Just a thought.

Psst - Don't order no 28.jpg

I know that a lot of my wonderfully loyal and extremely cuddly readers are waiting and in some cases clamouring for my next book and you will be pleased to hear that ‘The Travelogue’ is well on the way in fact I am just about to descend upon another unsuspecting country tee hee.

Technorati Tags:
, , , , , ,

Uncategorized

Frenchman Imprisoned For Sending A Joke Email

Leave a comment

Now I have to first of all put my paw up and declare that like 99.999% of the entire population on the planet (well the cognisant ones anyway) I don’t like the French over much, no that isn’t true I don’t like the French at all – until now that is, so what has changed my opinion? Well it was hearing of the plight of one brave and funny Frenchman that did it.

Unfortunately because of French law I can’t tell you the name of this plucky Parisian because French law doesn’t allow it but I can tell you his age – he is 40 years of age – and frankly that is of no importance what so ever but then that is probably why French law allows me to tell you – the law of a country always reflects the nature of the people – French law is anal, British law is snobbish and American law is expensive.

So what can I tell you about this poor cheerful chap who finds himself in chokey (a British slang word for prison derived from the Anglo-Indian Hindi word caukī which actually means a shed), mmmh I have meandered off the subject, sorry, regulars readers and fans understand this, indeed according to some of the reviews of my wonderful book “Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary” it is a “charming facet of a delightful book.” happily you can get it here at Amazon.com for a very small consideration if you haven’t bought it already and be delighted for yourself.

Oops there I go again anyway here is the background to this story and a demonstration of ‘Frenchness’ at its most ‘French’ if you see what I mean.

Last week Rachida Dati, the former Justice Minister in the French Government who is an MEP at the European Parliament in Strasbourg appeared on a French national radio station and confused the words “fellatio” and “inflation” – which sound similar in the rather silly French language, though of course the slip could have been ‘Freudian’ something that no one – until now – seems to have mentioned.

Anyway you can imagine the hue of poor Ms. Dati cheeks and the short period of embarrassment that she must have suffered, but the world didn’t collapse as a result of her ‘slip of the tongue’ if I can use that phrase when talking about ‘fellatio’ and not get put into prison, but some bright (unnamed) spark decided to send Ms. Datia an email asking for a little or a lot (I am not sure exactly how much) ‘inflation.’

Rachida-Dati the consequences of a joke.jpg

As you can see from the picture Rachida Dati probably rarely laughs though it is understood that she did laugh the incident off at the time but Ms. Datia obviously takes herself very seriously and was as Queen Victoria once was “not amused” when the email arrived.

Ms. Dati was so not amused that she had the police trace the sender through his IP address and then raid his home seize his computer and remand him in custody for 48 hours. It probably helps being the ex-Jusitce Minister here don’t you think?

After being kept in a cell the unfortunate joker was placed on bail and ordered to appear in court on December 3rd charged with displaying contempt towards a public servant, an offence which is so serious that it is punishable with a prison sentence of up to a month and a 10,000 Euros ($14,500) fine.

Of course I will let you know what happens to the poor joker – as it happens, because this is worrying isn’t it? If displaying contempt towards a public servant is a crime then we are all guilty because let’s face it politicians, the police, Kings, Princes, Princesses, Queens, Presidents and so on are all public servants, to say nothing of all of the public servants and we all have at some stage called them at the very least “idiots” and that of course means we are all criminals at least in the eyes of French law, oh sh** – now look at that my * key is working now and I didn’t have to type ‘shit’ for a change. But really the French are a bunch of w**kers aren’t they especially the public servants it would seem – tee hee see you in a French jail soon!

Just so that you know the french for ‘inflation’ is ‘l’inflation’ and the french for ‘fellatio’ is, strictly speaking, ‘fellation’ but then if you were to translate ‘blow job’ into french it would be ‘fellation’ as well so I am guessing that Ms. Dati use a slang word – oh how dirty!

I could speculate what word Hugh Grant might use while parked up in a Parisian back street but I am too nice for that and when my movie comes out it will be animated and has to have a ‘universal’ certificate so I won’t do that.

Technorati Tags:
, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Uncategorized

Summer Has Come To The Czech republic

Leave a comment
Fig Leaf.jpg

It is that time of year again! Summer is here at last. Sadly the supreme being who created peadophiles, rapists, slums, poverty, cruelty and all of the other gifts that ‘he’ gave us convinced the Czechs, and indeed a lot of other misguided people in the surrounding area such as the Germans, Slovaks and what not, that they should leave their clothes in a pile somewhere and ‘enjoy’ the sun’s rays the way that ‘he’ had intended – au naturel!

What the misguided people in the surrounding area such as the Germans, Slovaks and in particular the Czech don’t seem to know is that nature au naturel is rather attractive, but their naked white bodies blistering in the sun’s microwaves are not, I wonder how one small but clever Cat can get through to these misguided hordes of naked humans and convince them to wear something and please not a thong and a frown like the French do at the beach?

Frankly I don’t know how to go about convincing the entire continent to cover up, I did think about naming and shaming but there are too many of the buggers, then I thought about showing photographs of them to a wider audience in the hope that the world would campaign against these lovers of nature but if I did that my lovely blog would look like one of ‘those’ sites that you get when you mistype some url’s and we can’t have that can we? I am a lot of things and have been called most but I’m not a pornographic pussy if you see what I mean.

So I am at a loss on how to stop all of this vast and unwelcome exposure of human flesh, you know sometimes I wish I was a politician because they are really rather good at cover ups aren’t they!

The trouble with being a good looking Cat I suppose I just don’t understand humans sometimes, what on earth gets into them that they have to take their clothes off and try to improve the beauty of a wooded, lakeside beauty spot.

What is worse is that from my lofty offices up here where the Barrandov Film Studios are I can actually see… sorry I just don’t have the vocabulary to describe what I can see or indeed the stomach!

Unfortunately there is one other problem today and that is what photograph to use in my pretty blog and so here is the only thing that I could think of it – is a suggestion of apparel for Czechs and the other misguided people in Europe to wear when they want to be ‘au naturel’ in nature.

Fig Leaf.jpg

Here are the instructions for using fig leaves for the more simple minded ie the entire nations of France Germany, Slovakia and of course the Czech Republic.

Men should wear one fig leaf and women three and men try to resist choosing a fig leaf that is too big you will only look ridiculous, and never wear a fig leave with any figs attached that would only lead to ‘complications’ and increased female expectations that I couldn’t possibily describe here!

Fig Leaf.jpg

Technorati Tags:
, , , , , , , , ,

Uncategorized

November Could Be Interesting

Leave a comment

You will be pleased to hear that I am going to have a bit of a break, unfortunately that break won’t be until November but it will be rather fun I am sure.

Have I piqued your interest? I do hope so! Where am I going I hear you ask – no go on please ask where I am going even if you aren’t really very interested because I am really hyped by the prospect and when you hear you might just be a little hyped too – whatever ‘hyped’ actually is of course!

Ok I give in I’ll tell you anyway. I am going to Florida, to Cape Canaveral that used to be Cape Kennedy, to watch a photograph of my face be launched into space on the last Space Shuttle flight ever, unless of course you count the return flight as a separate one if you see what I mean and surely the return flight is important enough to be counted separately.

shuttle.jpg

The great thing is that after NASA asked me to supply the photograph of me that is used on the cover of my world famous book “Getting Out Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary” available from all good, and not so terribly good, bookshops near you and of course at these fine places Amazon.com and my wickedly wonderful website or www www.thecatsdiary.com I asked them nicely if they would consider letting ordinary people send their pictures into space along with mine.

First they said that was a wonderful idea and then as they thought about it more they suggested that they might encourage people to send their pictures to them via the wonderful world wide web and they went away to build a website to do that very thing, well we have to celebrate NASA’s generosity because now if you are inclined to send your photograph into space you can do just that.

Simply go to the link below and upload a picture of you or indeed a loved one or family member (sorry old joke couldn’t resist it) and then wait until the Shuttle you choose comes back to the planet.

After your Shuttle has arrived back on Earth all you have to do is to go back to the site and using your reference number (which they give you after your picture is uploaded) you can get a certificate to say that your face has been in space, which if you are as interest in Rockets and of course explosions as I am you will probably treasure for a long time or if you are cheap like some people accuse me of being send the certificates to your friends and family as Christmas presents – tee hee.

www.faceinspace.nasa.gov/index.aspxm

I am going on the very last Space Shuttle mission the 134th, you should choose that one because it is going to be the best and most memorable because it has me on it. If you look at the picture below you’ll see some of our co-astronauts, a little bit about our mission on the STS-134 and a picture of the all important embroidered Mission logo – I want one of those don’t you?

Nasa.jpg

Well although of course I am going to be really sad to see the back of the ugly little Space Shuttle it has ended up like almost all little ugly things, it has become an icon like, oh Mickey Mouse, Jeffrey Katzenberg, the Chief Executive Officer of Dreamworks and of course the Statue of Liberty which frankly I believe the French couldn’t off load fast enough once they realised just how ugly it was, so they looked around for a young, gullible nation and gave them a ‘present.’

I think that the only reason that America accepted the French ‘present’ was that they thought that they were getting the Eiffel Tower, much as they did when the those nice folks in Lake Tahoe thought that they were getting the iron bridge called Tower Bridge and were justifiably surprised when the first stones of London Bridge were unloaded, though why they would want that ugly Victorian monstrosity is anyone’s guess!

London Tower Bridge.jpg

Just to compare the bridges and to prove that the bridge the good people of Lake Tahoe got was a nicer bridge. Here is the London Bridge as it is today.

LDN Bridge LT.jpg

Do please let me know if you agree with this Cat or not and of course if you upload your picture to be blasted off into space later this year.

Personally I can hardly wait.

Technorati Tags:
, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Uncategorized

April Fools Day

Leave a comment
pg-16-collider-circ_344432s.jpg

In England we have a sense of humour which is rather funny but not understood completely by the rest of the world, and of course in this case I mean England and not the other bits that are tagged on to the end of England where they don’t have a sense of humour (examples Billy Connolly, Bono, Gerry Adams).

Our sense of humour even extends to making one day special, well half a day actually as I will explain.

Today is that special day, April the first and on April 1st we can tell funny, tall stories until noon and anyone who believes them is an ‘April Fool’ but anyone who tells an April Fools joke after noon is an ‘April Fool’ themselves.

There is a tradition to have an April Fools day (usually on April 1st) in most countries and so you probably know what I am talking about, which makes a nice change!

Anyway I don’t know if April Fools jokes in other countries extend to the ‘media’ as they do in England and even if they do I still wanted to share this story from the Independent with you all, not only for the nonsense article itself which I think is funny, but also for the wonderful comments that the general public have added to the article.

So here is the article!

Hadron Collider II planned for circle line

I am sure that you will enjoy it for the nonsense it is and please do have a look at the comments if you get time some are as funny as the article itself.

I won’t spoil it by telling you what the article says, except to say that the mad scientists at the Cern laboratory are ‘reported’ saying that the 23km Tunnel which currently serves the London Underground’s Circle Line could house a successor to the Large Hadron Collider and if building work started soon it would be ready by 2020, tee hee.

Few people know the origins of April Fools day and so I thought this clever Cat would shed a little light on it for you!

In the 9th Century the Church in England wanted to take control of running the country and after putting their case to one of the madder of the current Queen of England’s relatives Edward 1st the Confessor both parties struck a deal to take over the administration of England and more importantly the collection of taxes.

The deal was a surprisingly good one for both parties, the Monarch for the first time had a marvellous network of administrators who administered laws and collected taxes efficiently and he didn’t have to lift a finger to do anything and the Church skimmed enough of the top to build Cathedrals, and become the second richest institution in England.

The arrangement was announced on April 1st in the year 878, the news took almost 11 months to travel the length and breath of England but that time scale was nothing in comparison to the length of time it took for the ruling class to adopt the new legislation and that is because no one with any sense could believe what had happened and thought that the whole thing was some sort of terrible not funny joke.

For this reason it took years for the country to completely come to terms with the new Church administration and adopt it fully because everyone believed that the demented King wasn’t serious.

So that is the reason why April 1st became known as the day to tell ‘tall’ stories although of course the first one wasn’t either ‘tall’ or funny and England suffered from the Church’s mis-administration, corruption and embezzlement for centuries.

Sort of reminds you of Putin’s Russia doesn’t it? With the Church’s part being played by the oligarchs this time. Anyway England became so desperately weak and discontented that it was easily conquered in 1066 by the Normans or the French if you like and the English don’t like so we call the French the Normans.

After Willy the Conk’s successful invasion, some say with the help of the Church who thought that they would get a better deal from the French, the Church managed to do a deal with the new King and so continued to collect taxes for hundreds of years thereby managing to keep their fingers in the England’s till for centuries.

Bayeux Tapestry.jpg

I hope that you have a very happy April Fools day.

Technorati Tags:
, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,