Tag Archives: Movies

Le Fart

Here is a clue to another of the places which I visited when doing my research for my soon to be latest blockbusting book The Travelogue which will be available in all good book stores, www.amazon.com and of course my www – wickedly wonderful website very soon.

For years we have known that the French are a little err… anal and frankly their films and indeed their culture are really a long way up their own um how do I put this..? I am sure you get the picture without me being too graphic here, but at long last here is the long awaited proof that the French are what we have always believed.

“Le Fart Location de Films et de jeux” as the sign says doesn’t only concentrate on French Movie Rental you can rent explosive French Games as well aren’t you lucky?


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Religion Is Tiring

This nice little sign was above the front seat of a train I was travelling on in Thailand while researching my latest blockbuster of a book, which is due out soon, in fact I’ll be able to tell you when as soon as my agent and publisher sober up, they’ve been celebrating ever since they read it – apparently I am going to be as big as J. K. Rowling but they didn’t specify which bit of J. K. Rowling I was going to be as big as if you see what I mean!

Save Monks Legs

I think it is quite nice that you can save a Monk’s legs don’t you? Although I thought that Monks were supposed to be able to endure long periods of discomfort like err… standing and stuff, but I suppose I have watched too many Shaolin type movies, or maybe the Monks in Thailand are just not very strong.

There was one other thing that struck me about the sign – how many Monks are you supposed to offer the seat to? I asked around and no one seemed to know, but then as I was speaking English and they were speaking Thai which believe it or not doubles as a cuisine I don’t think they understood me.

You know Thai must be a very complicated language if you can use it as a cuisine too – just a thought!

Actually I have to say that the record of my trip through Thailand and indeed one or two other countries won’t be recorded in my forthcoming and soon to be blockbusting Travelogue because the ‘authorities’ there read the chapter devoted to Thailand and very graciously supplied an awful lot of cash to ‘persuade’ me to not include the chapter in my Travelogue.

Of course this clever cat isn’t dumb and Thailand together with the other countries are obligated to keep up the exorbitant (their choice of words not mine) monthly charges or I will publish a second and more complete edition of this explosive (in every way) book.

Its not really a Travelogue Too Far but it is “wicked” as my agent who seems to act as though she is 12 most of the time said.

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Macy’s Parade – One Day

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Ok paws up I have to admit that the picture I have here has been ‘doctored’ and I wasn’t in this year’s parade – your shocked mmh maybe I should have kept my mouth shut but you know Cats cant lie – worst luck we would be so much better at big business and politics if we could.

I have to also admit that the picture wasn’t ‘doctored’ very well – but what can you expect if you outsource things like this to India? – Not a lot is the answer! Just look at the standard of Disney and Dreamworks animation these days!

Still honesty aside for a moment one day I will really be in a Macy’s Parade, I promise, and it will be soon after my movie based on my worldbeatingunputdownable book – I have added world beating bit to my usual word describing my book because someone has stolen my word ‘unputdownable’ shame they didn’t search for a life rather than wonderful new words to steal – sorry where was I?

Oh yes my new movie – well what can I say? I am closing in on a deal which happily is based on the sales of my wonderful book of course; it almost goes without saying is available here Amazon.com and here on my ‘www’ “wickedly wonderful website” –  www.thecatsdiary.com happily at the moment no one has stolen my term for my website – but I suppose it is only a matter of time!

Unfortunately it is not like I am that little rat Mickey Mouse who just announces that he wants to make another comeback and gets a movie deal immediately. I have had to fight tooth and claw to even get into the movie mogul’s offices – well eventually I did it through a synagogue and a Steven Spielberg disguise, of course, but that is another story! I don’t want to get all Sarah Palin on you here!

So the movie of the book will come one day and you know how determined I am to be up there in lights, to say nothing of floating above your heads in a Macy’s Parade on Thanksgiving – there is just one thing that I am a little worried about and that is after the parade – yes I saw Mickey ‘nudging’ a Smurf in a way that should only be demonstrated on dolls but that is not what I meant about being worried about what happens after the parade! I have learned to keep my back against the wall dealing with all of those movie types.

What I am worried about is that in order to take part in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade you have to be able to float so they fill you up with Helium – fair enough! But and it is a great big one, ‘but’ what happens when they let the gas out? Do you make a series of loud inappropriate noises or is it just one long one? If anyone knows or has indeed had large amounts of gas in the past please can you let a worried Cat know exactly what happens – many thanks.

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Tiny People Aren’t Happy People – At The Moment!

I read that some tiny works of art vanished from an exhibition in a garden of an English stately home, but this Cat wants to know what did the idiots expect pocket sized art and the public loose with pockets.

Staff at the stately home are offering an amnesty to eagle-eyed visitors who appear to have spotted the tiny people and then removed all of the Lilliput-sized art exhibition from the mansion’s grounds.

Nine “tiny people” made from resin by the London street artist Slinkachu have disappeared from the gardens at Belsay Hall, in Northumberland, where they were part of a “deliberately curious” summer show and now they are not tee hee.

If you get a chance do visit Northhumberland on the north east coast of England, it’s very beautiful up there and reasonably empty even for over crowded England and of course it is famous for being a place where my translator (John Woodcock) lived after being born in Dracula country.

Dracula country being County Durham and in particular Whitley Bay, the home of the legend and where Bram Stoker spent a winter and came up with the whole Dracula idea when looking out over the grey sea and dark grey sky pressing down on it – I think har ha.

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Monkey Adopts Kitten

Ok Brad and Ange (that is Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie if you need a clue) do it so why not a Monkey? It has come to my attention that a long-tailed Macaque Monkey has been discovered looking after a Kitten in the forests of Bali and apparently is doing a better job than some humans.

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I have to say that if your name is Macaque you probably need all the friends you can the name sounds a bit ‘french’ if you know what I mean, that Monkey should definitely avoid standing with his hand on his hip with a name like Macaque shouldn’t he? Mind you judging from this portrait I think that the Monkey should be called Ronald he really looks like a ‘Ronald’ don’t you agree?

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Still both Monkey and Kitten are doing well and when asked how he felt about being adopted by a Monkey the Kitten was reported to say. “Migle, mmh ahh, ugh!” Which suggest that the Monkey may be cuddling just a little too enthusiastically.

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But a little bit of tough love never hurt anyone Kittens included and compared to the thoroughly revolting woman who me and the lads ‘sorted’ recently. You remember dear reader the dreadful old hag who seemed to think that it was really clever, funny – well I don’t exactly know what the dreadful middle aged bag thought when she petted and then dumped a Cat in a trash container – well there is no comparison is there? Once again animals prove to be more civilised than humans, sorry I am blushing now but we really are a cut above a lot of humans aren’t we?

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I Had A Scare Over Christmas

As the headline says I had something of a scare over Christmas! Aren’t headlines good! They are a great way of scanning a page and discovering if you can be bothered to read an article, obviously that comment refers to everyone else’s headlines in print and on the www – wobbly wide web and not to my blog which is always wonderful, so I have been told.

So on to the subject of the headlines. The humans here like movies and they settled down to watch “JFK” a movie about – well “JFK,” and if you have been living in a cave since the ’50’s or are indeed disgustingly young you may need to know here that “JFK” was the brand name for a US President called John F Kennedy, who was sadly assassinated before he really got into his Presidential stride and since then there have been all sorts of theories, most of them conspiracy ones, concerning how and why, what and wherefore, you know the drill.

Anyway the movie was much more than just a little dull and I drifted off to sleep, well a good looking Cat needs sleep! I woke up later in the middle of another movie, though at the time I didn’t know that it was another movie and could have sworn that I had discovered exactly what happened to JFK after the assassination attempt, he had given up politics and gone ‘native’ in a picture called “Dances with Wolves.”

You see movies sometimes confuse me, the main character in the movie “JFK” wasn’t “JFK” he was someone else, in fact all “JFK” did in his own movie was get shot, again something which must have been very depressing indeed, no wonder he gave up politics and a, it has to be said, not very promising acting career I thought!


Unfortunately I occasionally can’t work out which movies are factual, ‘biopics,”fact-ion’ and which are just complete nonsense.

As it turned out incredibly both of the movies I mainly slept through were based on fact (where possible) and if I had watched the end of one and the beginning of the other I might have been better informed, though of course the idea of JFK kicking back for a while and enjoying life is nice.

Actually I believe the poor devil did get the opportunity to do just that! Have you seen the picture of ‘him’ on the yacht with the naked ladies frolicking – oh I know I shouldn’t gossip, but it is fun isn’t it?

Lastly I enjoyed the “Dances with Wolves,” the Wolves reminded me of my Dog a little though like him, the Wolves in the film didn’t actually dance, unless I missed that bit at the beginning and when I tried to speak to someone at the movie studio MGM to find out where they shot the Wolves dancing they said that it wasn’t the studios policy to shoot Wolves, I hung up confused!

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