Reports (and oddly enough very sharp pictures) are coming in to Cat World HQ that Queen camilla, “our queen of pies” as the mob now lovely call the chubby camilla the Duchess of Cornwall because of the weight she has so gracefully gained since she became an honest woman and married charles, and her husband the once and future king charles were attacked last night by a mob of hungry students.
Apparently students were tipped off by the British media, who needed a good picture story for today’s editions and in addition some outrageous table thumping moral editorial, that the ‘queen of pies’ and her prince were going to be attending yet another charity show where they get the free tickets and the champagne on the understanding that they rub shoulders with the commoners and plebs, who have paid thousands of pounds for a ticket, for as short a time as possible.
But last night the regal free jolly went wrong and the heavily armoured Rolls Royce car paid for by the royal loving British taxpayers and the other equally subsidised cars in the royal convoy were attacked and horror of horrors paint was thrown!
As readers of my blog can see – inside the royal car there was absolute panic from the regal couple and camilla was heard to scream “they’re trying to steal our Pies!” In the picture ex-naval captain prince charles can be seen being defended by the queen of pies who hold several honorary military appointments including Royal Colonel of the 4th Battalion of The Rifles and the rest in a list below* all which of course are unpaid positions but do carry hefty expenses for the organisations concerned which are of course in turn funded by the ever poorer British tax payer. Some on lookers say that prince charles retaliated and screamed at the mob after he had recovered some of his composure “get your own pies you filthy swine, there are our pies!”
After the attack the Metropolitan Police Commissioner said that no one had been injured and that was mainly because the press had failed to warn the London’s Metropolitan Police of the impeding attack, he went on to say that “had the press informed the police they could have had several thousand stick wielding riot police on hand to deal with the students efficiently and effectively – as I discovered on a recent trip to China whacking students and other protestors definitely beats catching criminals for a living and helps to ensure the rule of law!”
Comments and wishes of sympathy have yet to come in from all around the world however the Chinese Vice Premier Mr Li Keqiang was reported saying after he heard about the attack that “if people allow the Nobel Prize organisation to criticise China then this cruel attempt to steal an old woman’s pies, just because she lives off state handouts that others aren’t entitled to, shows how the rule of law is breaking down in the west; 19 other countries including the great friends of the royal family Saudi Arabia and Kazakhstan immediately issued statements agreeing with what Mr Li Keqiang had said.
Some time later charles’ father the rarely seen, secretive and mysterious ‘Dook’ was reported to say that “the idiot (we believe he was referring to charles) hasn’t got himself into a scrape with another bit of fluff in a car has he?”
The ‘Dook’ then rambled on as he was led away however this reporter thought he heard the words “still the good news at least with this one we don’t have to deal with the frenchies, nasty swarthy, squat and sinister buggers your average frenchie!” Then after a gap the Dook wrenched the hand that was covering his mouth and shouted. “Still glad the car was a ‘roller’ this time, stronger than the rubbish the krauts make, is the car still drivable – maybe we can salvage some parts this time.”
Prince Charles is heir to the British throne but few if any apart from his diplomatic son believe that he will ascend to the throne after his Mummy dies because of his ridiculous behaviour belief in odd cults such as homeopathy and statements like the one in September 10th, 1996 below, which was reported by the daily newspaper ‘The Sun’ on the front cover.
*The Queen of Pies honorary military appointments
Honorary Air Commodore of RAF Halton, United Kingdom Honorary Air Commodore of RAF Leeming, Commodore-in-Chief of the Naval Medical Services,Commodore-in-Chief Naval Chaplaincy Service, Lady sponsor of HMS Astute
Author’s background information
The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in history, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.
Camillia, Cat, Cat Diary, Charity, Chinese, Duchess of Cornwall, my blog, Nobel Peace Prize, Prince Charles, The Cat, www.thecatsdiary.com, excerpts from a Cat’s Diary, Metropolitan Police, London’s Metropolitan Police, Metropolitan Police Commissioner, champagne, riot police, royal convoy, Free Tickets, British media, queen of pies, Saudi Arabia, Nobel Prize, Duke of Edinburgh, The Sun, King, Cat World HQ, Kazakhstan, Chinese Vice Premier, Mr Li Keqiang