Tag Archives: royals

The Cat's Travelogue

A royal family of hypocrites

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This week the royal family hit a new low when the possible future king, if the monarchy last that long, was off playing at what they call “the sport of king’s” or in other words he was blasting away with both barrels at any animal that got in his way, on a wealthy pal’s estate in Spain, although it is reported that he was only looking for wild boar maim or kill.

Hunting wild boar Spain

All of this was happening a day before the royal hypocrite will be participating in a UK Government hosted conference on the illegal wildlife trade along side the other well know small animal murderer, his father charles. The conference will also signal the launch of a campaign jointly run by these two hunters called laughingly “Let’s Unite for Wildlife!” which aims to highlight the devastating impact of poaching animals such as rhinos, and elephants and calls for international action.

I wonder if anyone has sat these two idiots down and explained that the best way to “Unite for Wildlife” is to put their guns away and stop shooting at anything and everything that twitches?

But then I suppose if they can make their campaign “Let’s Unite for Wildlife!” a success it will clear all of the riff raft out of the shooting game and leave it just for the super rich all of which would be far more to the taste of these two cold blooded animal killers.

Prince William Hunting

The royal family regularly visit the sprawling 37,000-acre Finca La Garganta estate to kill things, this time william was accompanied by his ginger haired brother. Because although kate likes to kill things as much as any cold blooded royal this time she couldn’t because happily the royal couple have worked out that the sound of guns blasting here, there and everywhere tends to annoy the nannies because it makes the baby cry and her advisers have warned that public opinion, even the royal loving Brits, would take a dim view of her accompanying the royals for a shooting spree and leaving the baby at home with the nannies so she sloped off to the Caribbean instead to sun herself in a $20,000 a week Caribbean bungalow while the prince was busy shooting wild boar in Spain, all of course paid for by the hard pressed UK tax payer.

It s alright being a royal

Why shiver with the rest of the UK and have to endure the reports of UK citizens losing their jobs and then their homes and the ‘tedious’ reports of so many ordinary working people who are still in work but have to visit food banks to feed their children when you can sun yourself and relax by a pool? Why kate indeed?

Kate middleton

It’s alright being a royal isn’t it kate?

Obviously I have to declare my interest when writing a blog such as this one so that you, dear cuddly reader don’t think I am bias. I honestly believe that the George Washington and his merry men, the Bolsheviks and Oliver Cromwell had the right idea and that is why although I am English I live in a republic!

Oliver Cromwell

About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

I would like to tell you all about something new and rather nice that you can get from the Apple iBooks store, no not ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book you have been able to get that for ages, no something else rather wonderful. You can get John Woodcock’s brilliantly illustrated book the first in the series called ‘The Trams of Prague’

This heavily illustrated books created especially for iPads, Pods and Phones called Tram No 6 is the Naughtiest of Trams and it looks amazing.

If you would like to get this exceptional book the easy way, just click on this link:
Trams of Prague – Tram No6 is the Naughtiest of Trams

Don’t forget dear cuddly readers one and all that my translator’s heavily illustrated book has just been made available at the iBookstore or iTunes – what was it with Steve Jobs and all of the ‘i’s’?

To get whizzed straight to the store whatever it’s called just click on the picture of the cover of that wonderful book below.

Trams of Prague ePub Cover 2 1 13 225x225 75

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One law for us and one for them!

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As any mother to be can tell you when you are shopping for your new off-spring life can be difficult especially when you live in London and are the size of a cuddly Hippo. Public transport and the (not very) ‘good’ people of London can, and regularly do, make life difficult and don’t even get me discussing parking wardens, and that fact is true, oh except for the royals as the picture below demonstrates.

Parking suspended for all except the royals of course

If you just happen to be born with a silver spoon in your mouth to say nothing of enormous family wealth and estates, or you have been living in sin with a royal and eventually decide to marry him then life is so very different. Before you pop out to the shops the London police will suspend all of the parking bays in front of any of the shops you decide to visit and ordinary people will turned away while you are gracing those shops in question, even if you don’t buy anything.

To my way of thinking this sort of behaviour is just not very 21st century is it? Why should there be one law for some people and one for all of the others?

Mmmh the spellchecker suggested that I might like to ask “Why should there be one law for some people and one for all of the Otters?” And I think that is a valid point, though hardly relevant here tee hee.

But seriously you have to ask yourself, ‘what has this woman done’ to be given such special treatment? Is she a leading peacemaker, a top politician, someone who has achieved something in life’ and the answer is NO! Much to the embarrassment of all concerned she has appeared topless in newspapers around the world – which was awful and not even apologised to the British public who pay for her extravagant lifestyle, she has as I said above lived with a royal and then held on long enough to get married to him, although he seemed less than keen, and now she is pregnant, gosh! I hope my kittens achieve more than that!

About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

I would like to tell you all about something new and rather nice that you can get from the Apple iBooks store at last, yes it’s my wonderful first book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ so what are you waiting for you lovely Apple users?

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Look at what popped out of by in box

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Here is something that was sent to me anonymously and as soon as you can see the picture you can see why.

The email was of course signed ‘a friend.’

Photo 1

What I would like to know in all of the fury that followed the publication of the future queen’s boobs (if the marriage lasts that long of course and the British royal family have an appalling track record on fidelity and long lasting marriages) is why no one yet criticised Katie poo for getting her rather ordinary human mammary glands out in the first place, aren’t queens and future queens supposed to be paragons of virtue? Obviously not these days and I blame the parents don’t you?

Their behaviour could be matched by any of the normal, ordinary, everyday’ people who the currently are criticised for losing their way morally who can blame them when they have Kate and whatever her husband is called, his father and uncles as role models they are worse than alley Cats and of course this cat should know meeeow!!!!!!!

Obviously it is impossible for andy royal to behaviour like ladies and gentlemen because of their much vaunted ancestors. When you think about it all through history the British royal family have always had appalling manners and morals, so Kate and the no neck she is married too fit in nicely.

Although unrelated I have to say that the other day I was think about the royal family and the latest female addition and her family and it occurred to me that Kate and the other Middleton Frau who’s name escapes me together with their Mum and Dad are very much like the Boleyn’s of Henry VIII fame. They seem to be merely after fame, fortune and appear to lack any real morals.

So I do hope that the ten pound note above does eventually go into circulation because to my way of thinking it perfectly sums up Britain and the British royal family, to my way of thinking they deserve each other!

About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Imagine my horror!

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As the title says imagine my horror when I was casually leafing through my admiring Twitter followers and weeding out the spammers and porn artists, who I seem to attract for no reason that I can fathom, to discover that this political organisation follows me.

Twitter horror

The picture of that chap who leads the organisation and goes by the odd title of ’10’ is enough to put anyone off their breakfast Prawns isn’t it? What a shifty looking character he is, personally I don’t ever trust people with very high foreheads do you?

After I recovered from the shock and came out from behind the sofa and meowed a bit to let my translator know what might have ‘happened’ (if you see what I mean) close to where I was cowering – well in my defence I was terrified by that haunting smirk ’10’ has, I started to wonder why ‘they’ would wish to follow me, they can’t be fans of mine can they? I somehow doubt that.

So what other reasons could there be for reasonably powerful political institution that’s so unpopular with the British people that it had to share power with a minority party which it referred to before the election as “irrelevant?”

Makes a Cat wonder doesn’t it! Oh! As to the question above! I have no idea why that lot follow me but I hope that they are telling all of their members to buy at least one copy of my wonderful books it may well cheer them up especially as they and their political allies will get what my old Mum used to call a “drubbing” at the next election assuming that they last that long.

So if you ’10’ and your politicos are reading this, and of course it will appear and even get retweeted on my page at Twitter I hope that you take some of this Cat’s wisdom to heart, especially the occasional serious stuff which is usually about animal welfare.

The UK is not a good place for a lot of animals to live today, with idiots training Dogs to fight and to be like weapons, with what look like ‘normal’ middle aged women putting a Cat into a dustbin just because the Cat was sitting on a wall near one, and worst of all the fact that even the royals can’t keep their itchy bejewelled, privileged fingers of the triggers of their Purdey & Sons 12 bore shotguns much to the cost of anything that is either furry or feathered and wild.

As you can see from the picture below of the exterior of Purdey & Sons shop in South Audley Street London, all of the royals from the queen downwards like their double barrelled fun and have given Purdey permission to use their coat of arms.

Purdey

Of course a royal warrant means that the royals either get their weapons and ammo cheap or don’t pay for them at all and the company gets their warrant, a seal of approval, and with that can double their prices even when they aren’t selling their hardware to folk from the middle east who are tired of hunting with hawks and want to do what the royal family do with such grace and blow large holes in deer, rabbits, pheasant, grouse, and any other wild creatures that cross their sights.

And just to show that this cat isn’t exaggerating look at the picture below. Nothing demonstrates the result of a successful royal hunting party better than a picture of the participants carrying away the corpses of so many defenceless little wild creatures, in this case a brace or two of pheasants. While one of them wears a hat that was killed earlier!

Wills Kate shooting

Finally this is just an observation, but have you noticed that both William and Kate share that ominous human characteristic I mentioned above, a very high forehead, it has to mean something doesn’t it?

About the Author

The Cat Portrait2

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting Out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and his latest wonderful book ‘The Cat’s Travelogue’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat’s Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Bet She Felt A Bit Of A Knob On The Balcony!

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It is true to say that I have deliberately avoided commenting on the royal wedding because it is tedious and every other idiot who can type has, but I couldn’t resist this little gem of a picture. It sums up the day and the dynasty.

I had heard that she gave good head but as a Cat I thought that she was generous with some of the best bits of left over fish!

They say that every picture tells a story and wow what a story this one tells! Poor little kate I bet she felt a bit of a knob on the balcony, she should have told whatever his name is to wait until they got inside. But then that’s the royals for you, if they want something they want it now!

One of the many reasons that they have to go!

Bet she felt a bit of a knob on the balcony

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Sarah F Is At It Again

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First of all here is a short statement from The Cat Corp., which was prepared earlier.

The Cat and his agents would like take this opportunity to state that any rumours that The Cat or The Cat Corp., has been in negotiations with Sarah F aka the Duchess of York to turn Buckingham Palace into an amusement attraction are totally false.

The Cat nor any of his representatives have had any contact with Sarah F aka The Duchess of York what so ever, indeed The Cat and his representatives would like to go further and state categorically that they have no interest in turning any ‘royal’ buildings, estates, palaces or second estates and palaces into amusement parks until the current sitting tenants have been evicted, which judging by the way that most of the ‘royals’ are conducting themselves won’t be long.

DoY.jpg

So what is the reason for the announcement above well the prematurely wrinkled Sarah F aka The Duchess of York really has gone and done it now hasn’t she?

Sarah F who also uses the alias The Duchess of York has been caught red handed trying to extract 500,000 very big ones – we are talking pounds and not dollars and they are still worth more – out of a ‘Middle Eastern businessman.’

The dumpy Sarah F aka The Duchess of York promised this Indian businessman that she could arrange an introduction to her fat ex, who is known to the authorities as the Duke of York for 500,000 big ones. Once the introduction had been made the Indian businessman would then be able to reap the benefit of knowing a low person in a high placed position of trust. Some years ago the British Government who were at their wits end trying to find more things to do with all of the surplus ‘royals’ appointed him as a International Trade Ambassador.

Since then the chubby Duke has done very well doing all sorts of private deals with shadowy ex-soviets, he even managed to off load his house to one for nearly ten times what it was worth even though it had been up for sale for years before that deal.

The full figured Duke did very well especially as the ranch style bungalow was built and paid for by the Queen as a wedding present.

The problem with the deal that Sarah F aka the Duchess of York arranged with the Middle Eastern was that the Indian businessman was an undercover journalist and after a couple of meetings and the exchanging of 40,000 in sterling poor old, she doesn’t seem to have worn well, Duchess of York was filmed saying out loud in her awful thunderous voice that she could do the deal for cash etc.

I am pretty sure the sooner that bunch are shown the door the better.

As you know this Cat doesn’t really care for the English ‘royals’ and as they don’t keep Cats and seem devoted to shooting any furry animal that doesn’t bark I have a feeling they don’t care for me either but I had to admire the dreadful Duchess’s gall when she said to the Indian businessman.

“Do you understand that I absolutely have not a pot to piss in?” Then a bit later. “I left the royal family with friendship, no money. Diana left with 20 million. And that’s why the Queen is my friend because I never took a bean from them.”

Thanks to The Times of London for the quote above.

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The Cat Thanks Everyone

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salad prawns.jpg

This good looking Cat would like to thank everyone who came to the ‘Bring A Prawn Dance!’ last Saturday/Sunday and for some hardened party goers Monday too!

All in all we had a wonderful time in general and as you can see from the picture it got just a little wild.

Actually I do wish that I had used a picture on the invitations because some people and I won’t mention any names here brought err, how can I put this – oh yes – complete idiots, instead of Prawns.

Apparently a ‘Prawn’ in the human language can also mean a person who is not only not quite the ticket and has bought a bus ticket when they should have got one for a train, what can I say?

Well I suppose I could say that we had a right royal time with the idiots, but I won’t because a lot of people have accused me recently of being a bit of a royal basher and those who know me will agree that isn’t true, give me a choice between a Prawn and a royal and I will always eat the Prawn!

Actually I heard from a ‘reliable’ source that a well known royal had bought my best selling book and loved it, apparently it props the drawing room door open perfectly!

I wonder if they bought it here at Amazon.com that would have been nice.

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