Tag Archives: The Cat

A Message From The Real Santa

As you know I like presents and I love the way that people get such enormous pleasure from giving me them so Christmas is a special time for this Cat and so don’t forget to send me loads of gifts and don’t worry if they are incredibly extravagant I won’t get embarrassed – promise!

Still that fact aside I am also a Cat who likes to share and if you are like me and want to spread a little joy to others this Christmas – especially the people who enjoy Christmas the most then you have to use a website called the Portable North Pole or PNP where you will be able to send anyone a message from Santa – last year you needed a picture of the person you were sending the message to – on behalf of Santa obviously. Last year I sent loads of Santa’s messages from PNP and everyone loved it young and old so I can vouch for it.

This year the PNP isn’t open just yet but the message on their web pages suggests something very special so I would click along there if I were you here is a link you can use that will take you to a page that looks just like the picture below – enjoy this and of course Christmas as well.

For the time being you can leave your email address so that the elves can send you an email when the PNP is open.

Portable North Pole and if you don’t trust links, I quite understand so here is the address for you to type in yourself – http://portablenorthpole.tv

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Oh don’t forget all of you who booked a NASA Face in Space place for the 133rd space shuttle flight it will be launched on December 3, 2010. And the 134rd Space Shuttle – the one that I am booked on will be on February 27, 2011 and we will be able to view our pictures soon after each mission – how wonderful is that? How wonderful is NASA and the good folks who work there – amazing that is how wonderful the good folks are!

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The website as always is http://faceinspace.nasa.gov or you can use this link to click over there now NASA Face in Space

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It Was Snowing!

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Today I got up just like any other normal day, hopped out of the bedroom window and into the very tall Pine tree outside. A devastatingly dangerous maneuver which I accomplish every day with not only elegance but also bravery and most of all style.

Outside it had started to rain and the Pine needles were giving off a sort of ‘Badedas’ aroma which if you happen to know what ‘Badedas’ actually is will tell you that I paused for a little while to enjoy the Pine Freshness while I got lightly soaked, but it was worth getting wet just to breath in the aroma.

After I had wriggled and squirmed my way down the centre of the tree, in a sort of worm like ‘on your belly like action’ I stepped out onto the grass which was wet and really very cold, actually I think that was when I noticed that the rain was very cold and to be honest it wasn’t really rain anymore it was sleet. I have always thought that sleet was nasty and insidious stuff which creeps into you fur and makes even a warm cuddly Cat feel cold.

To shelter from the sleet and try to stay warm I hopped, skipped and jumped under the cover of some beautiful white Chrysanthemums and started to – err well how can I put it? I did what I do every morning and night and sometimes at midday depending upon how the fancy takes me and my um, err ‘needs.’

No! You still haven’t worked out what I was doing? Humans! I was going to the toilet of course! Cats prefer an outdoor convenience whenever possible and so would you if you had to scrape around in a litter tray and although I don’t like plugging my wonderful book “Getting Out Excerpts From A Cats Diary” the Cat being me of course – you can read all about litter trays in it and if the fancy takes you buy it here Amazon.com and if you don’t want to feed a giant multinational you can always feed a really good looking Cat and get a copy from my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com.

So I was doing my ‘business’ as my Mum used to call it – she didn’t actually she was far to mock posh for that, but it is a great euphemism don’t you think? Then the sleet turned to snow right there in front of my eyes, now wonder the rain had been so cold nature was working herself up into a frosty frenzy!

I can tell you that I very quickly did a cover up that most politicians would envy, and made a snowy dash for the Pine tree and the warmth of my bedroom.

Have I mentioned my translator John Woodcock I do quite often in my wonderful book (see above) he is not the most exceptional member of the human race and when you humans actually finish your ‘race’ I expect him to be very close to the back. Like most marathon runners these days he will get a medal because have you noticed any idiot who can stumble across any ‘open’ charity marathon after 12 or so hours still ‘wins’ something! Only humans could do that because everyone has to be a winner – you are all quite mad.

Oops I interrupted myself didn’t I! Where was I – oh yes my translator, mmh guess what my ‘gifted’ translator did today, just to annoy me I think? He closed the window, yes of course it was the window I had so elegantly, stylishly and bravely leapt from only minutes before and indeed the window I use up to three times a day unless I have ‘eaten something’ if you know what I mean and have to use it more regularly and in a hurry.

Me? Oh you’re concerned. You want to know what happened next and in particular to ‘me’ – you are so kind and of course the best sort of humans – my cuddly fans. I bumped my cold nose on the close icy unforgiving glass that is what happened to ‘me!’

Then I sat on the very cold and extremely wet windowsill and got annoyed. When that didn’t work I pawed at the window in frustration and when that failed I cried as pitifully as I could! You must know that sound it’s the stock and trade of any trapped, bored or playful Cat, the “I’m stuck up a tree sound.”

It’s brilliant and works every time, usually a fire engine will turn up and I had great expectations for that very occurrence, passers by were stopping and pointing into the sky and ‘windoward’ (if that is a word).

Unfortunately, because I like a scene, the fire brigade or Hasiči as the fire brigade are called here in the Czech Republic didn’t attend this Cat emergency because the idiot translator heard the very loud cries of the Cat on the windowsill – namely me of course. The noise may have broken some windows somewhere and caused nightmares in little children but in my defence I believe that the volume of the screams was merely proportional to the emergency.

The window opened (though I noticed not very wide, obviously to not let in the cold and snow hrrumph!) and I scampered in making as much noise as I could while running over the bed covers, polished desk and scatter rugs, then with a flourish to finish the polished hardwood floor. It is astonishing just how much mud one can collect on four paws and then distribute liberally around someone’s home if ‘one’ is very annoyed.

As usual in these circumstances there were some benefits on the fringe and quite right too I say – I was given a bowl full to the brim of fresh Prawns which was nice, but I expect more this afternoon and some Tuna would help to salve my dented pride for supper and if it isn’t too much trouble to ask i would be delighted if the window was left open while I am outside taking my ‘constitutional’ as Gladstone or Queen Victoria probably called ‘it.’

There is one thing that you may be able to help me with dear reader because this question has always bugged the paws off me because I just can’t seem to find the answer and you all know that I am a genius which of course makes all of this even more frustrating – who is Christmas Carol and why is she so famous at Christmas, and what on earth does she do for the other 48 weeks of the year?

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One Bail-Out Package Please!

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For a number of months now I have noticed that both companies (namely banks but also insurance companies) and nations that have spent too much are getting really rather large bail-outs and I would like to know if any of my readers know where I can get mine because I have just heard that Ireland has gone for the big one and quite frankly if they qualify then so do I?

Why should I have an enormous bail-out well I have diligently followed the examples of the frivolous banks, building societies and countries and bought things I don’t need with money that I don’t have and now I want the first installment of my reward.

I deserve a mind bogglingly large bail-out because it is very very difficult to spend a million Euros/Dollars or Pounds let alone getting on for a billion I can tell you and quite frankly even I have to take my hat off (if I had one) to the guys at Lehman Bros, HBOS, Bank of America, Citibank, Lloyds Bank, Greece, Spain, Portugal and of course the star spenders of them all Ireland; they have done an incredible job of spending money that they didn’t ever have a hope of having and most definitely could never earn.

Personally I think that it is only fair that I should get a sizable bail-out package even though I am a just a Cat because I know that even if I haven’t qualified yet I can be as reckless as the star spenders mentioned above who like any Cat or indeed other dumb animal don’t know the value of what they have bought only that it must have been good because it cost so much.

What is it my Mum used to say – if you read my book you will remember I said she said “Jump” well they were the last words she said, but she also said that “fools” or were they “finance ministers know the price of everything and the value of nothing!”

Please send my bail-out to my Paypal address thecat@thecatsdiary.com. There that is simple enough even a finance minister could follow those instructions couldn’t they?

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It’s My Birthday Today

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It is my birthday today and I just wanted to say thanks to all of my wonderful fans who have sent me cards, gifts, money and cake.

Just one thing – next year it might be better not to send cake because even if the boxes of cakes are carried by the most careful couriers in the world by the time the “Posta” lady (our muscular Czech post person) stuffs the boxes of cake into my letter box the cakes are reduced to a rather nasty dripping but colourful mess.

By the way, today here in the Czech republic it is a national holiday which is nice isn’t it; fancy all of these nice people celebrating with me! Although they do seem to mention something about history and the Velvet Revolution – but I have no idea why.

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Now as you can see happily I have found out how to use html properly in this new blog writer and that means I can tell you where to get my book at Amazon.com and also to visit my WWW wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.comand provide links to them again which is handy for all isn’t it?

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The Cat Drowning Bitch Julie Carter Is Jailed!

The Cat drowning bitch Julie Carter is jailed – but most agree that this blight on the face of humanity has not been jailed for long enough just 12 weeks.

After telling staff of the British charity that is set up to defend the welfare of animals the RSPCA (the royal society for the protection and care of animals) that “she couldn’t afford a phone call to have the 8 Cats rescued” this demented piece of shit – sorry for some reason my **** key isn’t working – killed them one a day over a week.

Julie Carter, 43, of Bicester, actually tried to drown nine animals aged between one and three years old, because her housing association had told her to remove some of her Cats, but one of them survived.

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As usual British justice was thin on the ground at this dreadful woman’s trial and Julie Carter will be free to hurt animals and who knows even babies and small children in a very short time indeed. She was also banned from keeping animals for life however as a report on the British police early this week showed that some murderers and rapists who had been released from prison under their supervision had gone back to their old ways and murdered and raped – what chance have a few unimportant animals and possibly small children? The answer is none what so ever.

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Photographic Competition Winners And The Young

Recently the results of a photo competition run by the Sunday Times, the British Tourist Board and the people who don’t do a very good job of looking after the railway network were announced and while the winner of the main prize produced a stunning picture of Corfe Castle in Dorset very near to where this Cat lived a long while ago I have to say, the entrant that this Cat liked best of all was from a much younger person.

Don’t get me wrong – Corfe Castle, Dorset, taken by Antony Spencer is an excellent photograph it has everything that was needed to win a British landscape photo competition and it also proves that Mr. Spencer takes his art very serious and gets up very early in the morning and makes meticulous plans to achieve stunning results.

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On the other paw “Breakfast View,” by Taliesin Coombes from Cardiff who won the ‘Young Landscape Photographer of the Year’ competition demonstrates everything that is great about young people he wanted to win a prize, he didn’t want to get up early in the morning and most of all he wanted a full English breakfast, toast and a cup of tea and the result is perfection. One thing I would ask is where is the pepper and salt because I don’t like the brown Sauce (HP)? But what and idea! What a picture! And what a nice tasty breakfast!

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You know I have a feeling that if I had submitted the photograph on the cover of my book I would have won first prize, especially if there was a category for “amazingly talented daredevil Cats” – maybe next year, what do you think?

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In the meantime if you need to get a copy of my wonderful photograph then happily you can get one or more here at Amazon.com or of course you can always get a signed copy of my marvellous book from my www.thecatsdiary.com.

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A Small Problem With Gas!

This very week marks the anniversary of a very brave attempt to cross the Atlantic Ocean by Airship. On
October 15 1910, the airship America slipped silently out of its hangar in Atlantic City and headed out to sea.

The ‘jaunt’ across the Atlantic Ocean in an airship was the idea of wealthy journalist and adventurer Walter Wellman who previously had failed to reach the North Pole and other undiscovered destinations in the same airship America.

The America’s 6 man expedition into what was the complete unknown aeronautically speaking was led by a Cat of course and sadly some still point their fingers at the innocent but rather good looking tabby Cat even to this day, but in his defence it has to be said that Kiddo the Cat hadn’t been asked to be put in charge of the expedition.

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And of course it was rather odd for a Cat to lead such a difficult expedition of exploration and to complicate matter further this particular Cat had only signed on for the project just before departure and had received no formal training in not only sailing in an airship, but like most Cats in anything what so ever. Cats of course in normal life don’t really need qualifications and training, they simply rely on their good looks and charm and their ability to cuddle almost anyone affectionately.

In fact Kiddo the Cat was what humans call a “Stray Cat” and had been sleeping rather comfortably in the America’s substantial hangar and was initially picked up by Murray Simon the navigator who like many sailors was a little superstitious and knew that a Cat on board – no matter how unqualified – would bring them luck indeed wrote in his journal ‘We can never have luck without a Cat on board.’

Unfortunately not all of the crew agreed with Simon about Cats and the luck they can bring not only at sea and so as the airship was being towed from the coast by a tug boat, the not all that nice, Melvin Vaniman, who was the airship’s the chief engineer (and indeed probably the reason the expedition failed), secretly stuffed the poor unsuspecting Cat into a bag and attempted to lower the Cat in the bag into the tug boat or the sea which ever was the closer.

However Vaniman’s attempt to jettison Kiddo the Cat failed but not before the poor Kiddo the Cat was unceremoniously dunked into the sea and then pulled back onto the America – what a way to treat a Cat!

It is probably because of this behaviour that the crew decided to not only give the Cat a name “Kiddo the Cat” but also to make him Captain and let him lead the expedition, something that the rest of the crew later came to regret probably as the expedition lurched from one misadventure to the next.

After 38 hours of flying the engines failed and the unfortunate America began to drift. In a moment or two of panic the crew decided to jettisoned all excess weight which in their opinion included one of the broken engines, though happily deciding not to dump the Cat or any food, both decisions the Cat heartily welcomed.

To make matters worse Melvin Vaniman, the airship’s the chief engineer, mixed up the gas release tap with the tea urn handle or something similar and the crew were treated to a rapid rise upwards to over three and a half thousand feet where the temperature has been described as a “bit nippy.” This major loss of Hydrogen meant that the Airship eventually lost buoyancy and started to get alarmingly close to the surface of the ocean where if the crew were dumped in the drink they would have been not only a lot colder but a lot wetter than they wanted to be.

After six days of aimless drifting to and fro over the Atlantic, and having travelled a total distance of 1,370 miles (2,200 km) from the launch site in Atlantic City (a world record distance as it turned out), the Cat and crew spotted the Royal Mail Steamship Trent not far from Bermuda and reluctantly decided to abandon the America and were picked up by one of the RMS Trent’s lifeboats.

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Sadly the America drifted off out of sight and was never seen again although rumours abound that to this day it haunts the Atlantic disturbing Seagulls when it creeps up on them silently.

It is not known whether there was much in the way of Cat food on board the RMS Trent but the Cat became a minor celebrity with the crew and then later a much larger celebrity upon his triumphant return to the states.

As is the way with these things especially when they involve Cats Melvin Vaniman the crew-mate who had at the start of their journey tried to dump the Kiddo the Cat into the Atlantic became the firmest of friends with the Cat, which just goes to show that if you take time to get to know someone or indeed ‘somecat’ before your try to drop them overboard in a bag; life could be so much easier and of course less frightening for any aforementioned felines.

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When Kiddo and the rest of the crew of the ill-inflated and ill-fated airship America eventually got home they were all treated like heroes especially Kiddo the Cat who was put on display in a gilded cage in the famous Gimbels department store. Fortunately Kiddo the Cat’s life became more sedate later when he went to live with Walter Wellman’s daughter, Edith and entered a dry and peaceful retirement.

Authors thoughts:

If any readers have any more information on this brave and well travelled “Kiddo the Cat” as he was called (especially) pictures this Cat would be delighted to upload them in his honour because no matter where we live in the world we should always honour our heroes whether they are in civilian or military life.

When writing that I remembered – if you haven’t seen the marvellous movie “Taking Chance” do. It is not only a very well made movie which will make you, rightly, extremely emotional it is great and fitting tribute to the military and their sacrifices in Iraq and by association in other conflicts.

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Important – Updated Launch Dates – For NASA’s Face In Space

My loyal fans might remember that back in July I mentioned on my wonderful blog here http://blog.thecatsdiary.com the NASA Face In Space Program which those amazing people at NASA and this peerless genius of a Cat had created so that you can send a picture of your extremely good self (and or a friend) into Earth orbit on board that wonderful thing called the Space Shuttle.

Well just to give you an up date the https://faceinspace.nasa.gov/index.aspx launch dates have been updated and can be viewed either below or by clicking this pretty blue link which will whisk you at the speed of either sound or light (depending upon your internet connection) or looking at the copy of the page that you will be whisked to below.

Of course this means that you still have time to join in and get your https://faceinspace.nasa.gov/index.aspx place if you see what I mean!

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I really do recommend that you join in because this is probably the last opportunity to get into space safely for us ordinary folk, you could always take a chance on the Virgin Space Plane if you have hundreds of thousands of dollars spare and any faith what so ever in the blond Richard Branson’s efforts. But frankly you only have to look at his F1 Team Virgin Racing to see just how well Virgin build anything that is supposed to be beautifully designed sleek and fast.

Mind you the poor 3-legged Virgin Racing team came into the F1 Racing series like a lion, with press releases, TV appearances, trumpets, fireworks, dozens of partly clad young ladies (who may or may not have lived up to the brand name) and so much more, with the blond beardy fella shouting his mouth off on radio and TV about how he was going take the established teams on and beat them at their own game but at the same time spend less money (billionaires don’t tend to like dipping into their pockets of course).

If finishing last or nearly last if they finish at all in F1 races is what the ‘established’ teams have been doing all these years the blond beardy one has succeeded and must be congratulated but this Cat is not a moron and tends to think that Virgin and Hi Tech don’t go together, maybe Virgin should stick to Spas and phones – oh sorry I forgot those endeavours have been sold off.

All of which suggests to this wary Cat that the best place for the $50-100 grand needed for a few minutes in space is better kept in your bank, surely it is safer to read all about the possible failure of the Virgin Space Plane than to be part of it!

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Unusual Signs

Humans as I think I have said in my latest book at Amazon.com and any number of times on my wonderful blog are rather odd.

Humans display these oddities in all sorts of ways and one of the most novel ways is in sign language. I have been collecting some signs that have been erected all over the world by humans who have carefully and deliberately, it would seem, disengaged their brains before writing the sign.

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“Aren’t all Dogs strange?”

Don’t forget that Christmas is coming and giving someone a copy of my book would be an honour for both parties you can get an electronic version of my wonderful book at most ebook retailers online, at Amazon.com and of course my www – wickedly wonderful website www.thecatsdiary.com.

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“What a brilliant book cover it should be a sign!”

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Where Have you Put the Summer?

Today it is raining, yesterday it was raining and would you believe it was raining the day before yesterday and it will probably be raining tomorrow! Now the rain situation is probably ok for you humans with umbrellas but for a Cat sitting on a window sill blowing two little patches of steam on the glass with his hot breath too much rain is just very depressing because as you can see from the photograph I can’t see out. And worse when it is raining heavily it makes the business of Escape heavy going.

As you probably know if you are a dedicated fan of mine that I like looking out of the window and planning my escape and so I am asking you nicely (at first) to kindly return the Summer so that I can see the back of this torrential rain and make my escape, it is I am sure the only think now holding me back oh of course there are the window locks, motion sensors, the security perimeter and flood lights at night, but I think the lack of fine weather has the biggest impact on my failure to escape.

Of course you humans are lucky not only because of your umbrellas but also because if you are stuck inside at work or at home and it is raining as hard as it is here you can happily read my book which you can easily get here Amazon.com or log onto my wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com and while away the time or if you are like a Cat ‘wile’ away the time before your next escape attempt.