Tag Archives: The Cat

A Royal Event And It’s Unapproved Merchandise

As you may or may not be aware the British royal family is about to have a wedding, the marriage of St Diana the peoples princess’s son to someone or the other. The hope is that this time a royal marriage might be less disastrous than most of the family’s recent weddings which have not lasted long, caused enormous scandals, and even worried MI5 the British secret service and it is possible the happy couple have been more or less married in common law since they shacked up together at university.

So to celebrate ‘the occasion’ as some would call it, the merchandising department of Buckingham palace has been busy giving the regal nod, for a ‘consideration’ to all sorts of tat that is in the shops now, including some sort of dreadful game from the bride’s family who are as eager as the groom’s family to cash in on their daughter’s good fortune, as they probably see it.

Obviously with every merchandising ‘event’ from Disney Movies to well err Pixar movies the quality of the merchandising has to be monitored carefully by the rights holder so that the ‘right’ impression of the event and the status of those involved is forever carved in plastic.

The merchandising mangers in Buckingham Palace have been careful to ensure that the image of the ‘happy couple’ and their royal relations is one that creates the right impression and so they have only licensed “appropriate” merchandising.

Here for your delight, if you really adore rubbish, is a selection of the royal wedding merchandising that seems to have slipped through the net and not been given the royal seal of approval, which is odd because the selection beautiful sums up the regally happy couple, the family into which the bride is marrying and indeed the ‘entiresome’ event.

Let me explain the word ‘entiresome’ it’s a newly invented word (I invented it for this article in fact) and it’s used to explain, in one word, something that’s not only ‘entirely’ ‘tiresome’ but also everything that is to do with it is as well.

So here for your pleasure are just a few merchandising items that I think beautifully sum up the happy event with a commentary where ‘unnecessary’ tee hee!

If you are like me the first example of royal wedding tat is something you really couldn’t do without.

Sick

I am sure that you will agree with me I can’t understand why these uncannily lifelike moulded plastic replicas of the royal family and the happy couple weren’t approved by Buckingham Palace! It’s sad that a lot of Chinese workers hard work has it would seem gone to waste, still i believe there is one scrap of silver in the lining of the story and that is that the models are recyclable.

Lifelike

It is a mystery to me why these excellent single cup tea bags haven’t seen the royal nod, the images look, let’s face it, very much like the royal subjects especially wills and tea is the national drink of the UK.

Bags

Just look at the craftsmanship that went into producing the salt cellar below and then think about the poor souls who slaved away for little or no wages to help celebrate the happy occasion, I feel for these people when I think their exquisite commemorative condiments were not on the offical list of rubbish that is being sold to help everyone celebrate this ‘momentous’ occasion.

I have to say I am using the word ‘momentous’ in an entirely new what here because I hope that when used in the same sentences as the words ‘royal wedding’ it will come to mean something that is forgotten in a moment.

Idiot Salt

Last but not least The Cat and his friends have produced their very own tribute to the happily royal couple ladies and gentlemen we give you dave the Cat and Crown! Dave the Cat as always is elegant, tasteful and regal in a bobble hat.

Dave the Cat and Crown

If you would like to purchase a copy of Dave the Cat’s commemorative picture you can do so reply to this blog or write to me The Cat at thecat@thecatsdiary.com for details. If you have bought or want to buy any of the official or unofficial tat that is on sale to commemorate this happy occasion do let me The Cat know and I will arrange for someone to visit you and provide counselling.

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What’s On The Menu Today?

Is Beijing the only place where you can ask if your Sheep meat was well hung?

China Of course

In South Africa they are taking fusion food to the absolute limit – raped Chicken must be Royal Burgers Jo’burg.

Raped Chicken must be Royal Burgers

Ok maybe we are expecting too much from restaurants that are so far away from home they must serve nice home cooked food in Europe – I hear that the Spaghetti Carbonara is ‘different’ in German and this restaurant is obviously using homemade ingredients – just look at the menu!

Homemade

If those dishes are too ‘exotic’ for your taste then how about visiting a good old fashioned Soda Fountain for an Ice Cream and a Soda? Soda Fountains are nice, homely, clean places and they service ‘normal’ food don’t they? May I recommend good old Butt Drugs Corydon, Indiana.

Being an innocent Cat I wondered if there is any knowledgeable human out there who can tell me what a “Butt Drug” is please?

Butt Drugs

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Mind Control For Cats

Cat: “You’re not only a very good looking Parrot, I am sure that you’re very clever as well.”

Parrot: “Thanks, I think I am clever and not only a pretty boy!”

Cat: That’s what I thought and now this is your opportunity to prove that to the world.”

Parrot: That would be nice! Thanks!”

Cat: “My pleasure, ok, so all you have to do is to get just a little closer to the window and then show me just how clever you are by reaching up to the window catch and undoing it with your beak.”

Parrot: “Sounds like a plan!”

Cat and Parrot


About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Cats vs Fishermen

In a contest that involves wit, brains, guile and of course good looks a Cat will always beat a Fisherman.

And here is the proof. As you can see in the first photograph the Cat has found something interesting in the Fisherman’s nice shiny bucket, I was going to say that the Cat had found the Fisherman’s ‘tackle’ interesting but that just sounded weird!

Cat vs Fisherman 1

Very slowly, quietly and carefully the Cat does what cats do best, helps himself to something tasty and all while the idiot on the Quay is fiddling with his rod – mmh fishing terminology sounds just a little rude sometimes doesn’t it? But only if you don’t have pure thoughts.

Cat vs Fisherman 2

Which all goes to show that it isn’t only Dogs that drool while Cats rule is it!

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Good News for Toads

Well I think that this is good news for Toads – it appears that they are the only vehicle owners allowed to park in this car park who aren’t customers.

Good News for Toads

But then it is such a good idea to have a few ground rules isn’t it – you wouldn’t want drivers in your car park who do this sort of thing, whatever it is – would you?

Not Nice


About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Cat kind, his sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat’s masterpiece of feline literature ‘Getting out – Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary’ can be purchased at a bookstore near you or at Amazon.com or at what The Cat calls his www – wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as “exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic.”

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Just A Dog And His Master

Sometimes you hear of a story that touches you, not because it is anything grand, global or sadly particularly newsworthy in these days of 30 second news briefings, newspapers that have more naked flesh and gossip than hard news and you – yes that’s right you readers and viewers with short attention spans and shorter memories.

In your defence it is not your fault, now more than ever we are told that we have the largest amount of news (most of which is puerile gossip of course) and other information being pumped out at us from what surely is the largest collection of incontinent gossips in history – everyone is at it aren’t they? From the Huffington Post to the most lowly Cat blogger and it seems as though there is no escape from the news flow.

So unashamedly this Cat offers you a simple story of companionship, love, duty and something so much more, from two of the most admirable souls he has heard of in a long time and who like the war that they fought in will be forgotten.

It might not be forgotten today but too it will be all too soon. While people like the princely awful duke of York consorts with child sex offenders, Libyan gangsters and Kazakh fraudsters hoping first to sell his house for millions above the asking price and then to pay off his ex-wife’s debts while his elder brother talks to plants and makes vain attempts to coerce the British government into making policy the British people don’t want.

So enough of fops and fools for one moment, what I am about to tell you are just the facts, there is no embroidery, no fact-ion and that’s because I believe that this pair of heros need no gilding just remembering – so please remember them!

Lance Corporal Liam Tasker, and his Dog Theo worked in the British Army. Lance Corporal Liam Tasker was 26 and Theo just 22 months old, probably their youth helped them not only create a strong friendship but also gave them the ability to work tireless saving the lives of countless British soldiers and Afghans in the latest war that the British government can’t afford to participate in.

This dedicated pair of youngsters uncovered 14 home-made bombs and enormous quantities of weapons in just five months – a record for a dog and his handler.

Theo and His Master

They had trained together for most of Theo’s short adult life and it was said of Lance Corporal Liam Tasker that his Dog handling skills were exemplary, as they trained the pair formed an inseparable bond, which was probably why they were such a successful team, it was Theo’s very dangerous job to be the ‘front man,’ where he would sniff out any hidden IEDs, weapons and bomb-making equipment.

Recently they took part in a mission in the Nahr-e Saraj district in Helmand, a hotbed of the insurgency and one of the most dangerous places in the war at the moment.

After a firefight broke out with the Taliban and L/Cpl Tasker was shot dead. Later though uninjured sadly Lance Corporal Liam Tasker beloved Dog Theo had a seizure and died of what is believed to be a broken heart.

This humble Cat would like to thank the brave souls of the Armed Forces for taking risks with their lives, which means that he doesn’t have to.

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Now You Can Say I’ve Got An iPad2

As the title says now you can say that you have an iPad2 – or you will be able to on March 11th and unfortunately although the iPad1 was not very reliable which meant it was constantly receiving ‘attention’ at the Apple Genius Bar and then being replaced – this one has two cameras and so I for one will be dumb enough to get one, but not until my latest iPad1 gives up processing and so far, touch wood or should that be ‘touch screen,’ it has been doing a sterling job for two weeks – I feel privileged!

Here is a picture of more than one iPad2 so that if you have been living in a cave for a couple of days and not seen the news you can get your first glimpse. I have to say that I am looking forward to getting my paws on it, for us creatures that lack opposable thumbs and find typing difficult the touch screen is a boon.

IPad2

What was nice, was to see Mr Jobs, who is every bit the genius that I am, give the presentation, it sort of makes the people who have been prophesying his imminent doom look more than a little stupid – tee hee. The Cat wishes Mr Jobs well and hopes that he outlives the prophets of his doom. It goes without saying that prophets should be ignored frequently and completely doesn’t it!

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A Happy Ending – For A Change

Workers at a British supermarket recently opened a sealed crate from Malaysia and just couldn’t believe what was inside. From the warm darkness a pair of shining eyes looked up at them and they heard a little squeak.

The eyes and the squeak belonged to a brave little kitten who had survived a journey of several thousand miles for over a month by licking condensation off the walls of the crate.

It goes without saying that the kitten was tired, hungry and very thin, but when the staff of the supermarket picked her up and gave her a hug she started to purr and meow for food. This lucky kitten couldn’t have turned up, or is that have been unpacked in a better place, and the supermarket workers were soon offering small amounts of the best cat food and some water.

The sensible supermarkets workers also called in the RSPCA – which is the UK version of the ASPCA – who checked her over and declared that although she was hungry she was healthy, probably about 8 weeks old and after staying in quarantine for six months will be given a new home in the UK. Of course offers to home the well travelled kitten have been pouring in.

It is thought that the kitten most likely crawled into the crate when it was awaiting loading in the port of Penang. The crate with the kitten inside would have been first placed inside a container and sealed so that it can’t be tampered with or of course be used by people wanting to illegally enter the UK, then the container would have been loaded into the hold of the ship for the three week voyage to the UK.

At Southampton the container would have been loaded onto a lorry to complete the final part of its journey and as they say – you know the rest – there was quite a surprise for the people unpacking one particular crate.

Isn’t it nice to have a happy ending for a change?

Cat in Box

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Stop Press – Or Is That – We Interrupt This Broadcast!

You can now see some short movies with Oscar winning potential on my www.wickedly wonderful website my new Video page you can use the pretty blue link or click the video screen capture to watch it in all of its wonderfulness.

The Cat's Video Library

One marvellous movie stars my very good friend Jimmy the Black Cat and the other exquisite movie, which I would say has Oscar winning potential written all over it – or would have if my web boffins had let me have ‘my’ own way – shows my screen double Lupin (odd name, I know but he is German Cat) gate-crashing a German TV weather forecast. Some may call this ‘adding value’ to German TV of course!

As usual do let me know what you think of my blog and also this time if you think that my movie direction has Oscar winning potential, because I would like to add that qualification that to ‘movie star quality’ on my CV. I hope that I will be on more screens soon, but I have already said too much!

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